#written processing

[softlove-hardenedheart]

Anne, 

She didn't love you the way she said. She couldn't tell the difference between platonic interest and romantic. What was she searching for? Radical acceptance, love, someone she could trust, and she knew sexually and romantically she wasn't interested, and she didn't want more than what you two already had. Still, she didn't realize that the relationship could continue to grow without moving past the platonic stage. That night? That night that changed it all, you saw 'us' more than anyone else. Rapid switching; the good, the bad, the ugly. I'm so sorry we put you through that and didn't have a proper explanation. 

She was confused, and I'm sorry she hurt you. I'm sorry WE hurt you. I'm sorry she didn't validate your feelings, and I'm sorry 'Eli' didn't tell you when they switched back and immediately lost that type of interest she had for you. 'Eli,' although flawed, knew what heartbreak and hurt the relationship moving away from platonic would cause, 'Eli' was far more in control than the one that was confused. We should have done better, we should have been more aware, and we should have appropriately apologized. 

At the time, even we weren't fully aware of what was going on. We just knew we were struggling. Our brain told us it was all in our head, that we had done no wrong; in reality, we caused so much unneeded pain.

I'm sorry we hurt you.

I'm sorry we weren't honest with you. 

I'm sorry our apology wasn't complete.

I'm sorry you never received closure. 

Now, we are healthy, supported, and loved. We met people that understand us and will always be there, despite our faults. We can recognize the type of love that exists in this world and are educating our less matured parts in what love looks like in all forms. We will never cause this type of hurt we caused you again. 

We don't intend for this message to get to you. We hope you are doing well without it and have moved forward. We have confidence that your journey and path will bring forth growth and comfort. 

Goodbye, Anne, if we ever do cross paths know that we will accept whatever comes our way with a stronger heart and mind. Thank you and farewell. 

[amori]

Yesterday, Eugene and I hung out at my place. I was stupidly nervous at the beginning and then it eventually faded. A couple things. From the start, his attitude was that of a friend. When we sat down to eat our personal pizzas, he mentioned setting me up on blind dates with some of his friends. Then a little later he said "Why couldn't I have met you like 5 years ago?" and then the night progressed I was honest with him as far as perceptions and feelings that have gone on between us in the past (not in terms of my thoughts about our relationship particularly, but I did feel some assumptions he had of me that I wanted to set straight.) I really care about this relationship and I want to have clear communication and truth and transparency. The night flew by and I was sad to see him go. Ultimately, I want to see where this will go and if his dating Katie will change in my favor. I'm conflicted in this "friend zone" place. Is there where I want to be? Is this where I should be? I'm such a slow processor and all day today I thought of so many questions I have for him and so many more discussions that need to happen that I wish I'd covered yesterday. He has been on my mind all day, but so has this conflicted feeling. I just don't know what I want or what I'm looking for. I keep praying for a sign or clarity or something. I shouldn't stress about it but I just have the worst history and I'm not ready to get involved in something that won't lead me where I want to go and will just end up hurting me in the long run. I went on a run today and realized how much baggage I have. I still carry so much shame and hurt. I am an incredibly broken person deep down and I have a lot of fear associated with my past and how I will come across to others once they know of all the mistakes I've made. I had a lot of dreams about him last night, too, and all of them were negative in some way. Him realizing I'm not worth it, him getting tired of me, him deciding not to talk to me. Where does this feeling, that everyone is bound to leave me eventually, come from? It's the worst. Why can't I be confident in where I am at present? Why is that so hard?