#wrong thoughts wrong words wrong actions

[otterofthemany]

im starting a collection

[brogressive]

wrong thoughts, wrong words, wrong actions

can i just be fucking normal? holy shit, dude. my life would be so much better if i was skinnier, prettier, and more social. everyone around me is pretty much like that, so i feel really left out by everyone.. even by my own friends. lol i even feel out of place when i'm just walking around at school or even at a store buying stuff, especially clothing stores.

i hate my voice, face, and body, too. people say i'm pretty but already know they're just saying that to make me feel better. everything is just wrong with my face. why can't i have pretty eyes, nice eyebrows, a cute nose, nice cheekbones, and a nice face shape? i have the complete opposite and it fucking sucks. i'm awkwardly tall for my age, too. most people confuse me for someone older and i honestly don't know if i should take it as a compliment or not... i mean, i wanna be older so i can do more stuff, but still. everyone's shorter than me and skinnier and prettier than me. i just feel really out of place, man. my sister constantly makes fun of me and calls me ugly and points out my flaws and it just makes me feel even worse than i already do. my mom always says i'm pretty and that i was "blessed" with a "perfect body" but i'm pretty sure she's lying. she also talks way too much about how when she was younger, she was naturally pretty and basically better than me in so many fucking ways. she probably thinks she's inspiring me or something, but really, it just makes me feel even worse and extremely self conscious about my appearance. my mom even shames me for eating junk food every once in a while, too. idk man.. i'll be happily eating a nice, not-so-healthy snack and she'll just tell me about how it's bad for me, how i'll gain a ton of weight, and how i can have super high blood sugar and  stuff and maybe even  get a few diseases because of it and shit like that. i'm sure you guys don't know this about me, but i'm absolutely terrified of dying or having a disease or illness that could possibly kill me.. saying anything like that to me just automatically ruins my vibe, scares me, and most of the time, makes me cry.

i'm afraid of death but at the same time i don't feel like living.. how fucking stupid is that, right? i honestly don't understand myself and how i act and how i think.

oh yeah, i don't understand on how people even talk to me or how i even have friends.. i'm honestly a piece of shit. i don't deserve friends. i've never had a boyfriend or had a ton of boys have crushes on me at the same ufcking time so i feel rather left out when my friend starts talking about boy problems and things like that. i most likely haven't had a boyfriend because of how fucking stupid and ugly i am and that's honestly not a surprise to me. who would want to date me, though? you don't know? cool, i don't know either. i should stop worrying about boys and stuff. it's not like any of the guys i like would date me anyway. they're either too old or are already in a relationship. everyone looks at me funny when i say i like older guys too.. i honestly don't like people my age, y'know? they're too fucking stupid, ugly, and annoying. (lol this is coming from someone who constantly puts themselves down for being all of those things.. but whatever.)

my friends are kind of starting to annoy me too (says the one who's fucking annoying as shit lol). and the whole annoying friend thing kind of goes along with the whole not being able to vent to a real life friend.

she usually doesn't care about how i feel. she'll ask about how i feel or how my day was or whatever, but other than that? nothing. i'll ask how she feels and she'll just ramble on about her own problems, which frankly, i'm starting to not give a flying fuck about. i'll not and listen and whatever but i honestly don't really care. but anyway, she always talks about herself.. i sometimes think she's truly full of herself. idk man but there's this guy at school that likes her.. he knows that she knows and vice versa. she constantly talked about it. she constantly bothered him about it, too. poor guy. did she want to hear him say that he liked her for an ego boost or something? the funny part is- she doesn't even feel the same way about him.. you go through all of that trouble to find out that someone likes you and then you just don't like them? fucking what? what's the fucking p o i n t of it? dude holy shit. that made me really angry. not sure if my explanation even made sense, sorry. anywho, i've noticed that she tries way too hard too.. like, she fucking tries to dress up nicely but honestly, she seems to fail. some colors and accessories she tries to combine, but they just don't work. she also tries to copy how i dress too.. i don't know if i should be happy about that or not. i bought this really fucking cute shirt that i like. it's all oversized and warm and adorable ok. she says she likes it, and then weeks later she tries finding a fucking replica and then buys it. her friends now call that fucking shirt that i had.. fucking weeks before she even had it, "[her name here]'s shirt." that made me so fucking angry i don't know why. i freak out about small things like that a lot.. i don't know. that honestly makes me kind of not want to wear that shirt to school anymore. tbh, mine's just better than hers, but still. i don't know. that made me rather angry. she's pretty attention seeking too. to be honest with you, i want attention.. i want compliments and stuff like that, and i truly appreciate them, but i don't fucking beg for them.. ya feel? she dresses certain ways and acts certain ways for them, in my opinion. teachers always give her compliments and stuff. i don't know, i want to be appreciated and given compliments too.. it just makes me feel useless and invisible when stuff like that happens. i'll try and look nice and whatever and rarely anyone compliments me. why can't people appreciate me how they appreciate her? does this shit even make sense? i'm sorry, dude. i just want to be appreciated and stuff, okay? i guess i'm just really jealous of her getting all of that attention. we're pretty much always together, and it kind of sucks watching her getting all of these compliments and shit and just standing next to her awkwardly. she's pretty manipulative and tries acting like things that she's not. apparently her mom was a tomboy at her age, so she tries acting like a 'tomboy.' what kind of fucking tomboy dresses like the girliest thing ever? aren't tomboys supposed to be more masculine than feminine? wearing black every once in a while + liking cute skulls and shit + talking to mainly boys =/= tomboy.  fucking hell. i don't even knwo what i'm ranting about even more. there's just so many things that anger me about her, honestly. being too close to someone makes me start kind of hating them.. i don't know. i'm fucking weird, goddammit. 

sorry if any of this shit even made sense. sorry for throwing my first world teenage problems at your face. sorry for bitching over tiny things. i'm fucking sorry. and if you took the time to read all of my shit, then fucking thank you. i appreciate it. i'm gonna start doing this shit more often so.. yeah. bye.