Eight years ago today, Sleep Token released their first EP, titled "ONE".
The tracklist:
Thread The Needle
Fields Of Elation
When The Bough Breaks
There are two music videos for this EP, Thread the Needle [YT], released on September 8 2016 and Fields of Elation [YT] on November 10 2016
You can still purchase the digital album on their Bandcamp [LINK], which also includes three additional tracks. These tracks are piano versions of the original three and are breathtakingly beautiful.
[Inspired by Fix Your Attitude by @kylorengarbagedump and Keeping Your Promise by @strongtwiheart ]
Chapter Summary: When at last Kylo returns, you are able to give him your answer.
Words: 5,200
Chapter Warnings: Rough sex; multiple orgasm; oral; inappropriate use of the Force; inappropriate use of a lightsaber; choking/breath play; ankle sex; dirty gloves during sex
Allegiance
Simulations assisted in learning newer models of ships as well as refamiliarizing yourself with such models that you rarely utilized. Resources had been more limited on your previous base, whereas Star Destroyers housed a larger variety and volume of ships. You ignored the stormtrooper transports, considered the Command Shuttle, and paused beside a TIE/sf often. While using the simulation, there was no docking bay for you to commit these acts. Instead you were thrust directly into the cockpit. Usually this meant being alone, however you were currently becoming better acquainted with the TIE/sf. This was the third time you had started the simulation in this cycle alone. The first time had been with Feyre Belther, who preferred to sit as rear gunner and pick off any ships that moved in pursuit. Xe had paired well with Grete when Ro took over as your partner. This second time had seen you take the rear gunner position, and you had been unable to convince her to switch with you. Scowling, you had endured the fact that you were in less control over the piloting functions of the TIE/sf. There was an absence of animosity between you and Ro; despite this, there was a lack of potential friendship according to your assessment of the dynamics.
Within the TIE/sf there were upgrades that demanded notice. A miniaturized hyperdrive eliminated the necessity to depend on a carrier craft for extra-system travel. A squadron of these would best complement Commander Ren’s Silencer when on prolonged missions. Furthermore, the TIE/sf had a shield and improved armor that the majority of starships you had flown lacked. It was with your run with Ro that the tandem ejection seats were utilized. This naturally increased the frustration that had bubbled within you since you strongly believed that your piloting skills would have prevented this occurrence. Which was, you supposed, possibly nothing more than ego on your part.
Ro and Feyre partnered for the third run, meanwhile you paired with Grete. They had offered you the choice for which position to take. It had, surprisingly, caused you pause. Grete was one of the few pilots to have earned your trust and whom you would never object to playing the role of gunner for. Chewing on your bottom lip while mulling over the two options, you weighed the fact that they would have more experience flying a TIE/sf and thus you could learn from them with their undeniably superior skills as a gunner. Their accuracy was not far above yours in terms of overall statistics, yet enough so that you had been making it a point to observe them for tips. While your other two squadmates were running through their simulation, you locked eyes with Grete and asked if you could run both positions--two simulations--in this single training session.
And thus it was the third time in this current cycle alone that the simulation had started up and that you were placed into the cockpit of a TIE/sf. The communications were open between pilots, however all that rumbled through for the time being was the sound of Grete breathing. Stars stretched across all that you could see from outside the starfighter. Temporarily thrust into a reverie that allowed you to reminisce over your flight with Kylo Ren, you heard Grete speak without comprehending what they had said.
“Tired?” they asked when you hummed out a noise to indicate a repetition of their words was necessary. Prior to running simulations, the four of you had utilized a different training area in order to physically exert yourselves. Rather than immediately responding, it was more prudent to scan for enemy ships that might pose a threat. The absence of enemy vessels revealed a system lag in the simulation, which was uncommon but not impossible.
You caught a flicker of movement, ascertained that it was not from an ally, and took action. As you did so, you replied to Grete’s question. “I think it would be best if I ended the session after this run, yes.” You could not fatigue yourself in a way that would render you useless should a true attack from the Resistance occur. There were other forces that conspired against the First Order, including pirates and crime lords. Though you were under Commander Kylo Ren’s direct command, you ultimately were a First Order pilot.
For now, you thought, running through the simulation with Grete. The flight and shooting were both smooth. Partnered together, they and you were like one. Perfectly in sync. Taking his hand will mean that I put his interests above those of the First Order. An enemy ship exploded in an inferno that reminded you of a flower in bloom. With the simulation finally kicking into high gear, you were unable to dwell on your thoughts. The action aided in keeping you awake. Once it was completed, you told yourself, you would shower then rest.
Thus it was only natural that within half an hour, you were alone in one of the available refreshers though your squadmates had decided to train for longer. Steam enshrouded the shower stall as you stood under the spray to clean yourself and rid your body of the sweat that had previously enveloped your body. Lathering soap, you released a sigh that had been building ever since you had stripped out of your uniform. Training in a TIE/sf was proving to be a sort of complication. The closer you grew with your squadmates, the more it felt awkward to know that you were willing to, in a way, betray their trust. This had always been a possibility within the First Order.
Covert missions did, in fact, exist outside of what Kylo Ren had requested. The difference was that those were generally sanctioned by Supreme Leader Snoke. A chill crept through your body, prompting you to shiver as tingles ran along your spine. Heat from the water was incapable of eliminating the cold that spiraled until it clenched around your heart like a fist. You touched a hand over the area on your breast.
With a shake of your head, you began to spread the lathered wash over your flesh, scrubbing at the areas that had collected your perspiration. Your bare feet slid forward on the tile to carry you nearer to the showerhead. You reached your free hand towards it and altered the setting to where the spray had a wider diameter. It felt less like needles pricking your skin, now more akin to the pitter-patter of gentle rain such as what you had experienced on your previous duty station.
A concern that you harbored was that your theory of Grete keeping tabs on you for Kylo Ren was misplaced; you worried that the Commander was searching for a means of eliminating you due to your refusal to answer his request positively. After all, rejecting him outright marked you as a risk to his very existence. You knew that he desired to oppose Supreme Leader Snoke, that you could technically go to the First Order’s leader in an attempt to curry favor and rise in the ranks. That there existed a possibility that you would not be allowed to speak with him of the matter felt like a blow, a punch to your stomach. You wrapped your arms around your midsection in unison with stepping fully under the spray to wash away the soap from your skin.
Your eyes were closed, your lips parted, and you tilted back your head. Felt the gentle droplets caressing your throat. It brought to the forefront of your mind the memory of the Force skimming along your neck. Your hands sought your breasts, palming them, thumbs skimming along your nipples then flicking them back and forth. A thrumming pusled through your body, spreading down towards your cunt, which clenched with desire. You had become aware, in Kylo Ren’s absence, that you could swallow your fear of ghosts and do his bidding. You could serve him in any way that he asked. You trusted him, which was in a way amusing when considering that you had nearly perished the first time that you had flown with him.
Rather than be repulsed by the memory, you felt your lips spreading into a smile. Felt the heat within your body increase--until suddenly it fled instantaneously. The harsh sound of boots stomping entered your hearing range. You drew your hands down away from your breasts. Attempted to remember when shift change was scheduled for. Tried to wrack your brain for when it was that your squadmates would return from their various training exercises. There was something too familiar about the rhythm of the boots though you could not place your finger on it. That, you realized, was what unnerved you about their presence.
Your lips formed around a silent ah as the owner of the footsteps officially entered the refresher. It was with their closer proximity that you recalled where it was you had previously heard them. You held your breath, had your arms at your side, and turned around, ready to face him. A black-gloved hand yanked open the door. Your eyes landed on the visor, on the mask that held a permanently cruel and scrutinizing expression. Your nakedness was of no concern to you; he had taught you well that your state of dress was of no consequence in terms of your position compared with his.
Dirt slipped from the edge of his robes, sullying the ground at his feet more than his boots already had. Your gaze raked along his form. A part of you did wonder if this was nothing more than a specter of your mind, if you had conjured a hallucination based on your exhaustion and desire melding together. “You’ve been looking for me,” the modulated voice rumbled. He tilted his head to the side, inspecting you as though you were a mere bug. When your chest started to feel too tight and dizziness crept into the edges of your consciousness, you realized that Kylo Ren observed you as such because you had ceased breathing. You dragged more air into your lungs; it was moist from the steam of the shower, which was fogging on the helmet Kylo Ren wore. He raised a single hand towards you, the one that he had used to open the door, and you noticed that it, too, was covered in a thin layer of filth.
Should you accept his hand this time, where you had not before, you would dirty yourself. The limbs that you had cleaned sullied by the proof of his commitment to the cause. You reached for him, swallowing thickly as your wet hand met the leather. You stood there waiting for his fingers to curl around your hand, for him to yank you out of the shower, to tug you forward and impale you on his lightsaber or else bash you against the wall. To beat you to a bloody pulp for making him wait. Your fingers quivered, tiny droplets of water that had remained flung forward onto the sleeve of his shirt and the rest of his glove where your smaller hand did not reach.
Gradually he did curl his fingers, beginning with his thumb, and encased your limb in a grasp that was not painful. The absence of a crushing weight was infinitely more heavy, although it was not a burden. It would never be a burden to serve this man. Your eyes widened in exhilaration. Kylo Ren moved forward--not a lurch, it was so graceful, so smooth the way you were pinned to the sidewall of the shower stall. The showerhead perpendicular to your position and his. The back of your hand pinned against the cool tile, and Kylo Ren’s fingers nearly entwined with yours. He was fully robed, a fact that did not escape your notice, and you were naked. Dripping in more than one sense of the word. You pressed your thighs together, smearing the water and slick that ran along them. With his glove nearer to your face, you could smell the ash of battle clinging to its smooth surface. You leaned your head to the side, angling your face so that you could better inhale the scent. His robes and mask, his very presence, maintained that superhuman aura he exuded.
“I did look for you, yes,” you said, admitting aloud and without shame that his words had been correct. Not that he had required any confirmation. “They taught us lies in the Academy about the Force.” He hummed out a hmm of acknowledgement. That was all you required to continue speaking. “I did not want to reject your offer. I wish I would have accepted your hand immediately.” There was no shame in admitting this.
His other hand found your hip, upon which he smeared ash and dirt while creating a trail towards your cunt. Three fingers danced on your flesh, lightly tapping and inching nearer and nearer until Kylo Ren was able to toy with your inner thigh, next your perineum. Skipping past your clit, beyond your entrance. Your eyelids fluttered. Condensation clung to his mask, tiny droplets of moisture growing in size until they slipped down the surface, catching in divots.
The seam on the very tip of his finger created a delicious sort of friction as he drew it past your outer lips and along the inside of your labia. You could hear the lewd noise of your juices coating the leather. Could feel the drag of its stickiness spreading on your skin along with the dirt he had brought along. Proof that he had come straight for you after his return from the mission that had taken him away. Your heart hammered against your chest at that realization, as it fully sunk in.
The seam teased you a second time, and then he swirled his finger around in circles before plunging one upwards into you. Your legs jerked apart a few inches, his hand creating a wedge that prevented you from pressing your thighs back together if you had wanted to--which you did not. It was causing your heart to soar, this knowledge that he still found you worthy to touch though you had, even as temporary as it had been, spurned him. Kylo Ren curled his finger at the knuckle, bending it towards his body so that he grazed a soft bundle within you that sent electrifying waves of pleasure sparking throughout your entirety. A gasp ripped from your throat, and you threw back your head, hitting it against the hard surface of the wall. Your vision darkened near the edges, red pulsing into your view as pain and pleasure mingled. Your knees buckled yet you did not fall. The Force locked onto your hips, anchoring you in place so that the one wielding its power could do with you as he willed.
The thick digit was joined by a second, which wriggled into you, aided by the slickness pouring from your cunt. The wet leather clung to your skin, skidding, making your body jump. Your abdominal muscles fluttered, clenched. His thumb explored the sensitive flesh between your outer and inner lips before it found your clit. “Why didn’t you?” Shame flushed through you, however you knew in this moment that the truth would spill from your mouth. His very existence compelled you to tell him anything at all he desired to know. Commander Kylo Ren hooked both fingers this time, brushing that same spot, stroking you.
Air caught in your throat, your eyes springing open wide then closing, opening once more. You choked on your words, forgetting how to speak as he toyed with you from within. The name he had assigned you tumbled from his vocoder. “I…” You swallowed, clutched tightly to the hand that had yours pinned, and gasped out your words: “I was terrified of ghosts.” He scissored his fingers, opening you up and inserting a third digit. You peeked at him through your eyelashes and with parted lips. The steam from the shower was lessening as the water cooled. You tightened around those three fingers, purposefully clenching in an attempt to get him to move. To fuck you.
“You can stand there with my saber so close to your mouth…” The way he pronounced that final word, how his visor tilted down towards it in an obvious stare, caused you to run your tongue along your lips. “And yet you fear ghosts?” You nodded, suddenly not ashamed. His tone did not suggest that he was mocking you though it was tinged with mild amusement. “I see.” The languid drag of his fingers beginning to withdraw from your cunt earned a whimper. Your free hand darted for his wrist, seizing hold of it. Though he was physically stronger than you were, your grip did still his movements. He flicked his fingers back and forth, wiggling them inside of you, stimulating your nerves. “Do you think you are in a position to make demands?”
“Make me cum,” you countered, challenging him. The nervousness you had experienced was fleeing as adrenaline and arousal took over. This must have been the high he had felt when he had nearly killed you by firing upon your TIE fighter. Kylo dug his fingers into the spot inside of you that thus far had delivered pleasure--now you gave a yelp of discomfort, your body twitching. He could have easily made it more painful, which was how you knew that his interest had been piqued.
His fingers left your cunt with wet noises, slick running down your thighs again. Commander Kylo Ren raised his hand--still filthy, albeit less so, and dripping with water and your slick--with the palm face upwards. He clawed his fingers as though cupping a ball or some foreign weight. You felt your body rise into the air. Turning his wrist, Kylo transferred the location on which he was holding you to your throat. Digits twitching in pulses, bending then unbending only to bend again, you felt a ticking of pressure on the veins in your neck. Kylo Ren walked backwards. Predatory, observing. Moving his prey along with him.
Your chest rose and fell heavily with each step that he took, with every throb to your throat and cunt. Wetness pooled from you, sliding down your legs and dripping onto the floor. The shower stall disappeared from view. In its stead was the larger room that connected the other stalls with a wider opening in the center that contained a metal table one which to place one’s toiletries while they readied for duty. You gasped at the shock of coolness from the surface as your nakedness met it. Your legs dangled over the edge, and the Force abandoned your neck as Kylo Ren walked forward to join you.
He cupped your ankles in either of his hands, his thumb and middle finger digging into the ball and socket joint on each of them. This sent a tingling sensation shooting through your feet. The thrum was echoed by the pounding of your heart. Kylo Ren peered down at you through his visor. You imagined that his expression was controlled; even if he had removed the helmet, he would have the upper hand. You lowered your own gaze to his limbs to keep from withering under his scrutiny. You were not afraid as much as you were uncertain. Kylo tugged at you without loosening his hold. Your lips parted as a fresh wave of threatened numbness swirled in your feet. You felt yourself clench. He never ceased at discovering new ways to toy with your body.
“Mm.” A soft hum that you almost missed due to the speaker using that same moment to twist your ankles and force you to turn over onto your stomach. He bent your legs, dragged your body until only your torso remained on the surface upon which you had been seated. You propped yourself up with your elbows--or tried to before you realized that it was a futile fight. Defeated, you ran your tongue along your lips and listened to his actions. Felt your knees bending a little further, raising your ankles until they met the front of his pants, through which you could feel his hardened cock twitch. Another clench, your body growing wetter for him as arousal shot through. It was strange how blood could be diverted away from your feet while it pooled towards your cunt.
You twitched your toes to help enliven them. Waited a moment, listening for him to admonish you. Instead you earned the lovely sound of him saying Spacedust in a tone that you could not tell if it was a purred threat or praise. Another twitch of your toes, this time ending in you wiggling them enough to toy with the head of his cock as you bunched up the material that contained it. Kylo Ren transferred both of your ankles into one hand, which momentarily lessened the waves of threatened numbness as he freed his cock. Its underside ran along the soles of your feet. Then his hands returned to their former position. The tingling increased, his grip tighter. The sides of his dick moved just under where his fingers were. He parted those digits, pulling at your skin with middle and forefinger while continuing to press down on the ball of your ankle with his thumb.
It was a painful phantom that touched you--not unlike the Force touches that he so often used. Your toes twitched, allowing more pain and a sudden increase in sensation. Kylo Ren lessened the pressure, rolled his hips. You scrambled to hold onto the edge of the surface so that you were not pulled off of it; knowing him, he would let your face hit the ground as he fucked your ankles. He thrust forward again. This time Kylo dropped hold of your ankles, let your legs swing down. Maybe watched in amusement as the momentum nearly caused you to slip backwards. You would have, too, if he had not pressed forward at that same second.
You were pinned between his body and the metal table. Frustration bubbled upwards as he managed to elicit a whimper. One of simultaneous desire and hurt, the latter of which transformed into a new kind of hunger. The realization that his roughness had a beauty to it, an art, that momentarily stole your breath away. The underside of his shaft ran along the crack of your ass. First upwards then in reverse, the head of his cock meeting your skin and smearing precum. It was his unleveled breathing, elevated by the vocoder in the helmet, that made you clench. You unashamedly let out a whine.
The reward was two gloved hands smearing more dirt and ashes from your breasts to your hips then back. He grabbed your breasts, squeezed them roughly, and jerked his hips forward, his cock sliding between your thighs and teasing your slit. Just as before you had feared he would impale you on his lightsaber, now you wanted nothing more than for him to imaple you on his cock.
Kylo Ren swung you around, a bruising grasp on your left leg hooking the limb against his upper thigh to where your lower lips parted, your slickness smearing against his throbbing cock. You grabbed at his other hand and brought it to your mouth. Teeth descended on the tips of three fingers, biting down on the leather. You teased him with your tongue though he would not be able to feel it. Could taste the remnants of dirt, gritty, and the tang of the leather mingled with your own essence. When he did not demand that you cease nor force you to end your actions, you were emboldened. You dropped one hand down to his cock, wrapped your fingers around it, stroked upwards. Knuckles brushed your cunt, you felt his blood pulsing through his veins.
Biting down harder on the leather, you felt your body alight as he pulled back, exposing his wrist then hand. The glove dangled from your mouth. His bare hand found your throat. His bruising grasp constricted your airway. It made you tighten around the emptiness inside of you, had your hand skipping as you stroked--up, down. Twisting your wrist. The sounds wet as your slick smeared on the entire length of his cock.
A heartbeat pounded in your ears, darkness creeping in the corners of your vision. There was a sense of being pulled out of your own body, of floating--floating that was not unlike when he had lifted you with his power. “Oh, Kylo!” How you managed to scream his name, you did not know. Your jaw remained slack, open in that o as a sob shook your chest. Your hand did not still in its movements. Kylo’s grasp on your thigh tightened, easing some of the spasms that were wracking your body as you came on his cock. Not in the way that you had hoped to, yet you could not claim to be entirely dissatisfied.
Kylo Ren eased you down onto your knees, seemingly content that your mouth was open and compliant. He thrust inside, both hands on the back of your head. The bare fingers dug into your scalp. You swallowed around his length, toyed with his shaft on your tongue. Fought off any natural reactions that would ruin this moment. Your jaw was stretched so wide it was uncomfortable. There was no time at all to care. Not when he moved one hand away to clasp his lightsaber. Not when he used the Force to hover it so that only the very end of the hilt was on your clit.
He stepped to the side without removing his cock. Kylo turned your head to the side, his weapon visible only in your periphery. Your legs were spread, your heart racing. A flick of his fingers and you screamed in delight as the vibrations of the now-thrumming lightsaber rocked sent jolts of pleasure from your clit throughout your entire body. The crossguards were bright, painting everything in red. If it was not for Kylo Ren holding you, you would have pitched forward as you were brought to another orgasm, this one much stronger than before. The weapon was not removed, the vibrations thrusting upon you a third orgasm.
Kylo grunted, fucking your mouth so that his cock hit the back of your throat. Your screams and moans of pleasure were what he required to cum. You felt him fill your mouth, his spend slipping down your throat as you obediently swallowed without him needing to issue an order.
Only when he was finished did Kylo Ren deactivate his lightsaber. He walked towards the shower stall in which water continued to pour. Aware that he was cleaning the weapon, you began to shakily rise to your feet, using the edge of the metal table as a handle. The pair of you rearranged yourselves until you were each presentable enough to exit the refresher. Somehow dirt continued to slip off his boots with each step that he took. You stared at them, silently following him towards his quarters.
Doman walked by the pair of you on the way; your squadmate gave a nod of acknowledgment in the Commander’s direction but otherwise did not stop. You noted the change of pace with which he walked as well as the more rigid posture that he assumed. This instilled a renewed impression that you were an anomaly. Though this would apply to Grete as well, you knew, in regards with how they interacted with Kylo Ren. Comforted by the fact that Kylo Ren’s offer still stood, your concerns that Grete was meant to assist in killing you had disappeared, and thus you felt joy in having these shared characteristics with at least one of the other members of the squadron.
Neither you nor Kylo Ren spoke until after the doors to his quarters had closed, sealing you within the walls with him. “I am impressed that you considered Sith spirits to be a possibility.” You flinched at the tone he used. It was again not one that indicated mocking. He was amused, true, however there was a sense that he was genuine in the compliment. This led you to the conclusion that your fears were not unfounded. You were too tired to form an adequate reaction to the revelation. Lips parting, you successfully swallowed what would have been a prolonged uhh had it been allowed to roll off your tongue. “Should you find proof of their existence, bring it to me.”
“Uhhh.” There it was, seeing the light of day as you slumped down into the chair in which he had sat the previous time you had been inside of these quarters. Recovering within seconds, you returned to the other question that had been on your mind. “Is Grete involved? I know you’ve been watching me through them.”
Silence met you by way of response. You sought out Kylo Ren with your eyes, twisting in the chair until you located him two yards behind the chair. He faced you, his body rigid, his legs placed widely apart as though he had been prepared to deflect an attack. You turned away, drawing limbs nearer to your torso and folding yourself into the chair as much as you could. If only you could disappear; for some reason you felt as though you had asked a teacher the dumbest question they had ever heard in multiple years of teaching.
“Null Seasta.” Those two words, that single name, rumbled throughout the room.
You cupped a hand against your jawline whilst absorbing the information. The name was one that you had heard in the past, and you knew that Null Seasta was an ally of sorts with the First Order. Was that where Kylo Ren had gone, or was that where Grete had come from? You sat in silence, hoping that more words be spoken to reveal any amount of information that could be shared.
Instead you were greeted with noise from the opposite direction of where Kylo Ren stood. Nevertheless your inquiry received a proper reply in the form of Grete entering the Commander’s quarters along with three darkly armored individuals that could logically be identified as members of the Knights of Ren. Grime rolled off the cloak of the one that carried with him a Mandalorian executioner axe. A second Knight, whose arm brushed past Grete’s when they filed into the room, possessed a case-hardened pastillion ore helmet. The third and final Knight to have entered Kylo Ren’s quarters wore a helmet that had screen guards on the sides. As with Kylo, Grete did not seem unnerved by the close proximity of the Knights.
Whether Grete was part of the missions that you would be assigned to, you could not yet say for certain. Now, however, you knew that they were one of the few people aboard the Star Destroyer that you could trust after taking Kylo Ren’s hand.
“It’ll be quicker to brief the two of you together,” the pastillion ore helmeted Knight said, his voice easy to listen to. “Ready, Velantyn?” Grete nodded at the sound of their family name then walked towards Kylo’s bed, sitting on its edge. This was not the first time that they had been in these quarters. They were more familiar with them than you were. The Knight transferred his attention onto you. “Let’s hope this one doesn’t die so quickly.”
It must have been a requirement to be a Knight of Ren to be an ass.
AN: I have had a few people inbox me with questions about some of the choices I have made in regards to this story. So I thought I would answer here. I mentioned before that this story was written in honor of a good friend. This is HER journey, as much as it is Claire & Jamie's. I have changed a few places, and some minor details, but overall, this is a real story.
Previously || 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
Chapter 7: Revelations.
Would ye like to share with us what brings ye both here?”
Why they were here? It seemed such a simple question should have a simple answer. Yet the words jumbled together between her lips, twisting her back into silence.
She could feel her heartbeat.
A deep breath, then another.
Claire bit her bottom lip, guided by the firm pressure of her husband's fingers wrapped around her own. “Jamie and I.. have been trying to start a family.”
She looked up and caught Jamie's eye anchoring herself to his strength. “For the longest time, I never believed I was capable of having children. Then, I got pregnant.”
The older woman nodded. “I see. Yer no alone in that. I myself was never able to have bairns.”
“Everything was fine.. until.. it wasn't.”
“Ye puir dear. I'm sae sorry.”
“Thank ye,” Jamie said, as he wrapped an arm around Claire's shoulders. Claire could only nod, her lips drawn in a tight smile, hands, twisting the soft edges of her sweater.
It felt so different being on the other side. As a surgeon, Claire had gotten quite used to delivering bad news, trying to comfort those in pain. She herself had seen countless faces mourn when bad news was given and relief when things went well. Still, it was an odd feeling being the one comforted.
An old wrinkled hand reached out, stilling Claire's hand. “It's okay dearie, ye dinna have to share anything ye dinna wish to. We all ken the reason yer heart mourns.
She looked up as a ripple of quiet agreement moved around the group. Kind eyes watched with her encouraging smiles. One young woman pressed her hand again her heart, as their eyes met. “I'll keep ye both in my prayers, as we all do.”
“Thank you.” the words came easier as she looked around, still supported by the strength of Jamie's arm.
“I.. that is, Jamie and I appreciate that.”
********
6 weeks later...
The sound of retching woke him up.
Without opening his eyes, Jamie knew Claire was no longer in bed. Sitting up, he could see the thin sliver of light underneath the bathroom door.
Then that noise again.
“Sassenach?”
A low, miserable sounding groan answered him.
“Are ye alright?” he slid out from between the sheets, moving almost silently across to the door. “Claire? Can I come in?”
A few seconds of silence followed by a whimper was the response.
The door clicked open and Jamie blinked, trying to adjust to the light that flooded the doorway. Shaking his head he rubbed at his eyes, before he saw her, sitting on the floor opposite the toilet.
Her face was hidden from him, as her head rested on her knees, which were pulled almost to her chest. Her mask of curls hung almost limp around her, hiding her from view.
“Sassenach..”
Jamie slid down the wall beside her reaching to pull her into his side. Claire shook her head, as she attempted to pull away.
“I'm not feeling well Jamie.”
“Aye. I can see that. But do ye ken why?
Her curls bounced as she nodded. Her voice slightly muffled.
“Just side effects. It happens.”
“Ah. I didn't realize they would start so soon.”
Claire looked at him out of the corner of her eye, a wry smile on her lips.”
After nearly two months of going to their support group, Jamie and Claire had sat down and started to work out a plan. The decision to begin fertility treatments was something they both worried over. Despite their longing to start a family, there were many other concerns to think about. The cost alone was steep regardless of which option they chose, yet after weeks of talking and planning, the decision was made to try.
Dr. Leslie had gone over the different methods with them, suggesting the best options would be to look at oral medications to start. As Claire had been able to conceive naturally, Dr. Leslie felt that surgery was too extreme a path right away, while IVF wasn't really necessary...yet.
Claire had gone for her first solo appointment with Andrea the day before. She had gone through another series of tests and they had decided on the next steps. Jamie had wanted to be there but had an important meeting. Claire had insisted she would be fine on her own and kissed his cheek, sending him out the door. The pills she had brought home had come with had come with a rather peculiar set of instructions.
“We have to have sex.”
Jamie started, looking up from where he sat at the kitchen table, papers in hand.
“Right now?” He glanced around the kitchen, he eyes settling for a moment on the bar separating the kitchen from the living room. “Not that I'd say no to ye..”
“No, not right this second,” Claire said with a laugh. “Unless you want to take me to bed?”
“Sassenach, ye ken well I always want to take ye to bed.” He reached out a hand to take hers, pulling her into his lap. “I could spend forever in bed with ye and never tire of it.” He kissed her shoulder, drawing his stubble across the exposed skin of her collarbone. “Surely ye ken that I always want ye. There is never a moment when I shall refuse ye, as long as ye welcome me into yer bed.”
He looked up at her, his eyes dark. One hand took hers, bringing her fingers to meet his lips.
She shivered, her lip catching between her teeth. She could feel the flush rising up her neck as he spoke, her eyes locked with his.
“Take me to bed Jamie.”
He grinned. “It will be my pleasure, Sassenach.”
He had gotten to his feet, with her in his arms, and taken her to the bedroom. He had given himself to her, over and over, until they both had cried out, clutching hard to each other to anchor themselves to something solid.
Hours had passed with them wrapped around each other, each afraid to shatter the peaceful spell that settled around them, the sound of their hearts beating in unison.
She had explained then, in the dark the details of her appointment. Andrea had given her a prescription for a fertility drug called clomifene something that was supposed to help with her low ovulation.
“Our goal is to get pregnant.” Claire had whispered. “If that happens. Then we will go from there. Andrea suggested that I take a few weeks off from work, to allow time for me to get used to the medications.
He had looked up at her, seeing the dim light catch her eyes. “When would ye need to do that?”
She shrugged. I have already. I have enough time saved to take off for at least a month. I thought it might be best to start right away.”
He had muttered in agreement. “What else did she say?”
“She said that my ovulation was lower than she expected. That's why it took nearly three years for us to conceive the first time. That's why she had recommended we try the pills first.”
***
“I'm sorry I woke you up.”
He smiled. “Dinna fash Sassenach. Is there anything ye need?”
Claire groaned. “I need sleep. But I can't get comfortable. I'm either too hot or freezing. I have absolutely no energy.” She turned towards her husband, nuzzling into his chest.
“Well, let's get ye up off the floor.” He stood, pulling her gently to her feet. “Get back into bed, Sassenach, and I'll bring ye some tea.
