#wurd up

[b0chelly]

I can experience audio/visual hallucinations at night, but I also get something I call Thought Hallucinations. These come in Mental Image and just straight Thoughts. These can be equally distressing as fully perceiving something that isn’t there/happening. I guess intrusive thoughts can be similar, or the same thing to some people. But I can get those too but these feel different. They feel baffling and fleeting. Disorienting. I can jolt awake quite upset by them, I’ve literally yelled shut the FUCK up when no sound was actually perceived bc i didn’t know how to express myself in my confused state. Are they mine? They are not my thoughts but not NOT mine. It’s like someone changed the channel on the radio and your own head voice lands on a random commercial already in progress. But it’s not really auditory. The mental image is harder to explain. I guess kinda like quickly turning on a light in a dark room on and off. Before you quite get the full picture of what’s going on in there. But, sometimes, it’s very vivid but NOT quite visual. Because I know what a visual hallucination is like. Hearing but not hearing, seeing but not seeing. It’s my thoughts but not my thoughts.

[b0chelly]

No more beef bacon at Sam’s ;~; . I’ve eaten that in a wrap for three weeks and it is gone now.

[b0chelly]

Exciting development in head tingle progress, I’ll have to post after work, but it is weird! Which is on brand for me.

[b0chelly]

I got the notes from my consultation, she totally did not tell me anything it said she did lol. Apparently she doesn’t suspect seizures. I’m shocked, the rapid jolting I thought would be concerning. It’s absolutely not narcolepsy, but she put down medication induced rem sleep disorder (I thought that was more acting out dreams) and ptsd with nightmare disorder. She put suspected obstructive sleep apnea, which my mom had so sure. I saved it in my files.

[b0chelly]

Hmmmm, this person with central sleep apnea (brain stops the breathing so no snoring) wrote something that sounds familiar

Edit: this could explain why I am feeling brain damaged. Oxygen deprivation does that.

[b0chelly]

She said i definitely need a sleep study. No diagnosis of course, not even a suggestion. I think I said everything important. I asked her if I can stop my medication the night of a sleep study to trigger an attack and she said absolutely, I actually need to do that, so that is good. I will bite the bullet and take the test. The cost worries me but I am not being facetious when I’m saying I am getting brain damage. I told her that. I feel like my brain is literally being harmed. Hopefully tomorrow I will get a call to schedule a test, but probably next week. I will take the test and she will get back to me when she looks at the results. She’s in Reno but that’s chill.

She did say it is good I had a therapist to help with the anxiety, I love my therapist but there is only so much positive thoughts can do in my situation when more than one of my senses perceives danger that is indistinguishable from real life.

[b0chelly]

Male coworker asked the room whether the rest of us (women) had the choice would we have been male or female, 3 out of 4 said male including me. Two of them cited no menstration/menopause or make up or having babies and getting ready very quickly. Uh skill issue, i chose not to have kids i don’t wear make up and get ready very quickly because I don’t give a shit. You don’t need to be a man for that. I just want the dick.

[b0chelly]

I’m honestly wondering if I have developed cptsd or something. From being haunted. I am getting serious brain damage from all of this . I’m having difficulty some days getting worked up at my job and stinking of fear and it makes me more anxious. The only reason I’m not having sleep avoidance issues is because the hope that a nice person to give me comfort or monster time will happen. When dreams and hallucinations are nice it is euphoric and I crave that feeling so bad. My therapist suggested that I experience traumatic things, but I was under the impression that was lowercase t. Completely forgot cptsd is a thing.