Every now and then I have days where I feel the most intense sensation of....I think it can be called anxiety. It's almost like a nostalgia mixed with an anxiety; it's not the most pleasant feeling ever, but it also seems to be like a push, like I'm suddenly reminded that I need to find something.
The fact that I don't know exactly where this sensation comes from is both what scares me about it but also makes me curious. The sensation is located in the center of my sinuses (oddly enough), it's almost like a smell mixed with a feeling of spinning, accompanied with words that I cannot make out.
This feeling has come and gone for years, usually about a month in between days where I feel it most intensely.
I turned twenty-five about a month and a half ago, and I have been feeling different for a while now. Like older, more secure and less insane, though on the surface nothing much has changed in my life. Maybe it's this internal transformation that is making the sensation of nostalgic anxiety seem to make more sense to me now.
I think this is the push that is going to push me forward into what I call "the rest of my life."
Obviously I'm not getting a whole lot done around here. Twenty-five, no solid job, no college education, still live with folks etc. etc.
"The rest of my life", whatever it may lead to, needs to start with a leap.
So now this feeling is telling me something that I have felt for years now. What's changed is now I have the guts to listen and understand.
I've been talking about going to The Rainbow Gathering in Montana this summer, and I still intend to do that.
And now I am going to register with WWOOOF (World Wide Organization Of Organic Farmers). They have farms all over the country. My plan now is to register and spend a few months travelling the country and working on a few farms. I'll probably head back to California in the fall. We will see.
To start I'm gonna work on a farm about 20 miles from my home. I've been to this farm before and the people know me, and I figure it's a good way to get my foot in the door.
This sensation, I realized, is the urge to get out and see. To not be afraid, to trust in the universe and the people in it. I am going.
