A/N so this was supposed to be a short thought and ended up longer than I'd planned, whoops.
TW: heavy body image issues, quick skin picking mention
x fem!reader
"You don't understand!"
"Sweetheart-"
"No!"
Throughout the apartment you can hear two sets of feet slapping against hardwood in the kitchen. Hers, fast and angry. His, cautious but intentional.
"Did I do something?" He asks. "Because if I did, just tell me what it is so we can talk about it-"
She spins around and stares at him, incredulously. "What? No you didn't do anything!"
He blinks at her.
"Okay," he starts off, trying to wipe the last bit of sleep from his eyes. "Did you not want me to come here after work? Because if you need space that's totally fine, I just need you to let me know that."
He'd gotten off early today, and in a bid to surprise her he had headed on over to her apartment, wanting to be there when she got home from work. Letting himself in (with the spare key she had given him), he had then made a home on her couch where he intended to stay until she arrived, however the exhaustion from the day had caught up with him. He'd passed out.
And he was then awoken by the door swinging open, and his beautiful fiance storming in like a bat out of hell.
"I'm sorry I didn't let you know, but I thought it'd be a nice surprise."
"It was a nice surprise!" She exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air, "It is! I love when you're here! I love being around you!"
Silence settled in the room, the only sounds being her exasperated breathing.
"Then baby, what's wrong?" He asked, gently.
He takes a slow step forward, and then another, like he's approaching a frightened animal. And with the wild look in her eyes, that feels like a fair comparison.
Next thing you know, he's right in front of her, sliding his hands around her waist gently. Her chest is still rising and falling rapidly, but she seems more calm than before. Looks less like she's going to bite someone.
"Just talk to me." He murmurs, pressing a kiss to her temple.
A large exhale. Then he feels her hands twist themselves into his shirt, holding on tight like he would float away otherwise.
"It's just," the mumble comes from pressed into his chest. "It's just stupid, fucking Gina."
"Gina?" He questions, still cradling her. "From work?"
"Yes!" She huffs. "She and freaking Roger-"
"Her boyfriend?"
"Not anymore! They're engaged now!"
He can feel her tensing up in his arms again, and starts to rub her back in small circles.
"Is that a bad thing?" He questions. "Just last month you told me he was gonna pop the question any time."
"No it isn't a bad thing, I'm very happy for them!" She puffs indignantly.
He smiles into the top of her head. He doesn't know how she continues to be so endearing even when clearly quite upset about something.
"Then what's the issue, my love?"
This gets a reaction, but not quite the one he was hoping for. She pulls out of the hug and starts pacing the kitchen again, mumbling and pulling at her hair now.
"It's just that, now that they're engaged Gina won't stop talking to me about all their damn wedding prep." She pauses her footsteps and squeezes her eyes tight, pinching her nose. "And it's like, well duh! Of course she's talking to me about it because we," she gestures between the two of them. "-are also engaged! But we've been engaged for months and in a fucking week it feels like she's already so much more prepared than I am!"
She stomps over to the sink, grabbing a glass from the counter and filling it with water, then downing it all in one go. Then she continues.
"He booked everything for their honeymoon last weekend, the venue she wanted didn't even have a wait list, and get this," she throws her hands in the air again. "-she's already got her dress!"
"Don't you have an appointment to go try on dresses in a few weeks? I'm sure you'll find yours-"
"But it isn't about the dress." She sighs. He can slowly see the fight abandoning her, leaving whatever ugly feeling was truly the cause of all of this. "Her boobs are just perfect."
Silence.
He blinks once. Twice.
"Sweetheart, it doesn't matter to me how nice hers are, I'm quite attached to yours."
This gets a smile out of her. Brief and small, but the first smile he's seen since she got home.
"You don't get it." She murmurs. "Hers are so nice, and they sit pretty by themselves, and she could wear a bra that has no support whatsoever and she's still gonna look like a freaking Barbie. Do you know what she told me about her dress?"
He knows this is rhetorical, so he waits.
"She doesn't have to put on any shape wear. Not a single piece. She doesn't have to tape, or suck in, or squeeze. She just looks that way! I don't even have my dress and I just know I'm gonna look like a stupid walrus if I'm not squished into spandex."
"Now wait a second that's not-"
But the truth is starting to spew out now, she's already started and can't hear him.
"My boobs have never looked like that. They will never look like that. If I took my bra off right now they would damn near kiss my bellybutton, can you imagine if we have kids?" She violently blinking, refusing to make eye contact now.
"And then I started thinking about everything I need to fix before we get married, everything I'm trying to get dealt with before the ceremony so you don't have to see it." She squeezes her eyes tight.
Crickets can be heard for a moment, it's quiet enough you can hear the television from the next apartment over.
"It makes me wonder if we should even do this at all."
"Stop."
Her head snaps up.
His eyes are burning, his chest is tight and his fists are balled. He's enraged, but not at her. Never at her, but at the way she clearly sees herself.
"Don't do this, don't ever say those things about the woman I love ever again."
Tears are now streaming down her face, but there's a ball of indignation rising in her chest as well.
"How can you say that when you don't even know all the gross things about me?"
The kitchen is starting to feel suffocating, so she leaves into the living room. He's right behind her.
"Baby there is nothing you could tell me about yourself that would make me not love you-"
"Oh yeah?" She eyes him. She's too far now, everything that's been kept locked up for the last almost year is forcing itself through the open dam.
"I haven't worn my retainer in a year, and I can actively feel my teeth shifting back to the way they were in middle school. That isn't pretty."
She circles the couch, now keeping him on one side while she stands on the other.
"Not only are my tits saggy, but they're covered in stretch marks. And they get absolutely disgusting when it's hot outside. They get white heads and the worst rash from my bra chafing and that sure as hell isn't appealing."
"My stomach rubs the tops of my thighs and makes ingrowns there that I pick at until they bleed. The insides of my thighs chafe so bad that they look infected, and I can hardly stand to see them myself!"
That boy just stands there, his heart breaking as she lists everything she can think of that should make him not love her.
"I get ingrown hairs in my armpits, that get worse when I shave so I have to let them grow out and I hate it! I have zits on my butt that I am so ashamed of, no matter what I do they will never permanently go away, and my worst nightmare-" she's hysterical now, snot clogging her nose and tears tattooing themselves on her face. "- my worst nightmare is you seeing me on our wedding night and being absolutely revolted by everything I am. Resenting me for all of my flaws, for not being able to fix everything I have tried so hard to keep from you."
She slumps into the couch, hands finding her hair and pulling.
"I'm so scared that we're going to get married and you'll realize that it's a mistake. That you deserve someone better, someone prettier and quieter and more presentable than me." She whimpers. "And then you'll leave."
Her eyes are glued shut, so when she hears footsteps she can only assume that he's leaving. Going to grab his things and head out the door now that she's finally laid out what he would actually be getting into. Everything that he would actually have to deal with as her husband.
She was right, it was too much. She wasn't enough like Gina to make him stay, and now she needs to gather the strength to tell everyone that their engagement has been called off-
Then a warm, calloused hand is gently cradling her chin, lifting her head out of her hands.
"Open your eyes, pretty girl." He whispers from in front of her. "Let me see you."
It takes a moment, but he's patient, and when she finally opens her blurry eyes she can see him, the man she loves more than anything else in the world, on his knees with his eyes full of tears.
"Thank you," he murmurs as he presses a kiss to both of her cheeks. "Thank you for sharing this with me, I know that it wasn't an easy thing to do."
A watery laugh escapes her unintentionally. "That's your response?"
"Not entirely," he gives her a little smile, brushing away the baby hairs that are stuck to her forehead and the sides of her face.
"You are the most precious thing in my whole world, and nothing that you just said will ever be able to change that." He gazes at her lovingly. "Your body being totally normal and human is not something that I will ever hold against you, not something that will ever drive me away."
He takes his thumb and ever so carefully wipes the tears and smudged mascara out from under her eyes.
"You are my beautiful fiance, the woman that I am so blessed to be with. The woman that I cannot wait to marry, to live with. The person that I hope to give my children, the incredible lady that I dream of growing old with." He nuzzles his nose against her own, unbothered by her tears now mixing with his.
"It makes me feel so special to get to be the person that you share these things with. To be a safe place for you to rant and rave and cry and scream and just exist. And my sweet love, you are that for me as well. You hold me when I'm tired, piece me together when I'm broken, and love me when I cannot love myself."
He plants another kiss on her forehead, then stands from where he is knelt on her rug, carefully lowering himself next to her on the couch and pulling her close.
She easily clicks right into his side, right where she belongs, fingers once again tangled in his shirt like he'll disappear if she doesn't hold on.
"I can't wait to marry you." He murmurs, "I'm yours as long as you'll have me."
"I can't wait to marry you," she whispers into his neck, her breathing finally evening out for the first time this afternoon.
"..and I kind of feel bad about everything I said about Gina. She was just collateral because of how I felt."
An unexpected laugh bursts from his throat, and he squeezes her a little bit closer.
"Then tomorrow you can buy her a coffee and apologize, but for tonight let's just stay right here."
