Inspired by @kool-aidd‘s fic I can’t stand to look In the mirror.
@ihavenoconsistentname more Ex angst. Enjoy <3 Part 1/?
TWs: Dysphoria mention, slight dysphoria, accidental misgendering, accidental deadname-ing, slight yelling, Ex is supposed to wear a dress.
Ex looked in the mirror. A stranger stared back. Perhaps that was a tad too dramatic. Ex stared back. But Ex hardly knew this Ex, who wore flowery pink dresses, had long hair, went by Xanthia, and, well, was a girl. See, Ex wasn’t a girl. Not that anyone knew, he was so deep in the closet. So he looked around at the empty bathroom. The girl’s bathroom.
It was empty because it was lunch, and no-one could see what he was about to do. So he had to work fast. Ex popped a stick of gum, unwrapped of course, in his mouth and started chewing fast. It took less than a minute for the gum to be sticky. He took it out of his mouth and stuck it in his hair, on the upper part of his neck. Ex tried to see how it looked in the mirror. He bunched his hair together, getting even more hair stuck to the gum. It was a verifable mess.
Ex took at a pair of sissors and cut a lock of his hair, close to his scalp, from above his ear. It didn’t fall to the floor, seeing as it was still stuck to the gum, but it was satisfying nonetheless. By this time five minutes of lunch break had passed. Ex heard footsteps and froze. Then the door to the bathroom opened.
A girl walked in, looked at him, looked at his hair, then looked at the scissors in his hair. Busted, Ex thought guiltily. Unless his plan worked. She winced, and said to him, “You know, you can get gum out with peanut butter, right? What am I saying, if you knew you would have used it.”
Ex replied with “No, I didn’t know that. But it’s too late now, I’ve already started cutting it.” His heart was beating fast in his chest. One wrong move could out him. Actually, she would probably just assume that he wanted his hair short before she assumed he was actually a guy.
“Can I help you with that? It would probably be awfully hard to cut the hair on the back of your head.” She walked over to Ex and stood beside him. She probably thought I came here specifically to cut my hair, and that’s why I have sissors. Actually, thought Ex, it’s much more likely she just glossed over that detail in her mind.
“Sure.” Ex replied. Hopefully he wouldn’t end up looking like an idiot.
“I’ll have to give you some sort of undercut to make it even, this lock is cut close to your scalp.” She took the scissors out of his hand and started on his hair. By this time, 7 minutes had passed by.
Fifteen minutes later Ex was sporting a, while not barber level, better than he could have done undercut. He leaned forward and ran his hand through his hair. He thanked the girl, who nervously told him it was fine then ran off to a bathroom stall. Right, she came in here to use the bathroom in the first place.
Ex looked in the mirror. For once, the person looking back seemed familiar. He smiled slightly to himself. If his plan worked, his reflection would be looking a lot different soon.
Ex picked the hair off the floor, threw it away, and washed his hands. He stepped outside of the bathroom and quickly ate as much of his lunch as he could. Then the bell rang, and he walked to class, finishing off his lunch.
With this newfound freedom Ex could almost ignore the fact he was wearing a dress. His parents transcribed a lot to gender roles. They’d never let him be a boy. So he wore dresses to school. It was absolutely terrible for his dysphoria and self-esteem. But he used to just push through. Now he had a plan.
He felt self-conscious at seeing how everyone would react to his hair, but nobody noticed. Ex didn’t really have any friends, perks of being that one weird albino kid. And everyone who knew him, knew him as Xisuma’s sister.
He hated being known as Xisuma’s sister. First of all, it made him seem like the only defining thing about him (besides the albinism) was the fact that he was Xisuma’s sister. Two, Ex wasn’t Xisuma’s sister, he was his brother. Not that anyone knew that. Their parents were pretty transphobic, so Ex was staying in the closet.
He slid into class right before the teacher shut the door, speed walking to his seat. He heard a slight gasp, and turned to see Xisuma staring at his hair. He mouthed later, and hoped Xisuma understood. One or two of Xisuma’s friends who shared this class also noticed his haircut, but seemed not to care too much.
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Ex’s last class was different than Xisuma’s so the next time. They saw each other was on the bus. Ex had taken a window seat and was staring outside moodily, waiting for Xisuma to show up and interrogate him. A body sat in the seat next to him.
“So.” Came Xisuma’s voice.
“So.” Replied Ex, not to be outdone.
“Xanthia,” Ex barely refrained from wincing at being called that. His heart twinged painfully. Not a girl! His head seemed to scream. Call me Ex! “Why did you cut your hair? Do you have Dad and Mom’s permission?”
“I got gum stuck in my hair.” Ex mumbled.
“What.” Xisuma said disbelievingly. Ex wanted to snort. Naive.
“I SAID I GOT GUM STUCK IN MY HAIR.” Ex yelled.
Xisuma recoiled. “I heard you fine the first time! I just meant who put gum in your hair?”
“No-one put gum in my hair” Except for me, Ex added silently. “there’s gum everywhere in the school, I got some in my hair somehow. I went to the bathroom to cut it out, some girl offered to cut my hair for me. That’s it.”
“You could have just used peanut butter.” Xisuma offered tentatively.
“The girl said the same thing. I’d already started cutting my hair, and I didn’t know about the peanut butter thing, even though apparently every one else does.” Ex said, lying through his teeth about the peanut butter thing. Yeah he knew that peanut butter got gum out, who didn’t? The school had so much gum over it.
They small talked the rest of the bus ride. When they got home Xisuma went through the door first. Ex hung back, a sick feeling in his stomach. Not the kind of sick feeling from being sick and going to throw up, or the sick feeling of dysphoria and going to throw up, but the kind of sick feeling you get from pure nerves.
He walked in. Both his parents were their. His mom looked appalled and his dad looked angry.
“XANTHIA!” They yelled in unison. Ex flinched. Then he held his hand up.
“Before you rail on me, I got gum stuck in my hair. No-one stuck it in there, I don’t know how it got ther. I didn’t know about the peanut butter thing, yes someone else cut my hair for me.” Ah shoot, I should have taken pictures.
“It’s true, she told me the same thing.” Xisuma piped in from the stairs.
Dad did not look happy. “It makes you look kind of like a boy.” Mom didn’t look too pleased either.
“I know. I’ll deal with it.” Dad nodded and Ex headed upstairs.
He gave himself a secret smirk as he went. Phase one complete.
