#xinginwords

[xinginwords]

Entitlement II

The first real present I ever received was from my brother when I was 15 years of age. It was the first time I was given something with no obligation, no birthday party, no nothing. Never before had any brother received a gift.

It was a plush turtle coloured in blue and yellow. I stood stunned and awkwardly said ‘thankyou’. I was so taken aback that emotionally I rejected it. It wasn’t until a while later than I began to cherish it more and more and named him ‘Shuckles’ after a beloved pokemon only our family knew (because we had a pirated version with nonsense names).  For the longest time, we grew up with no expectations of anything. We couldn’t afford a gameboy, a scooter, pokemon cards or anything. If we did, it was either borrowed or stolen. We didn’t deserve anything we didn’t work for and even then sometimes not. I accepted that a long time ago. 

Yet here I am, thinking about a plush toy. A turning point that took 10 years to manifest. My brother did an incredible thing, a picture of grace. Especially because we were poor, especially because the opportunity cost was high, especially because it had never been done before. 

And you may not understand just how much it means, because I didn’t but this picture of grace is one of the most beautiful memories I could ever have. 

[xinginwords]

#Word Vomit Wednesdays 41 Say Yes

haha hiatus? nononono, just deep in my failings on human commitments... 

As you can imagine, I received this topic a week ago. 

This week’s topic: Say Yes to New Things

I’m always up for new things, in fact, it’s maintaining the new things that is more difficult. There are new things that I do steer away from; dreaded commitments, dreaded people and dreaded decisions...

So I’ve been on the busy train for the last couple of weeks. There was this conference, there was my birthday, there was out of town visitors, there was a lot of stuff ok! And you know what? It has been awesome!

I love and hate past Xing for making those decisions...

Alot of decisions are new to me. I don’t usually organise a Talent Show at my own birthday, but that’s what I did... I don’t usually decide and book tickets to another country within an hour, but that’s what we (Arnold and I) did. I don’t usually take responsibility for leading a film team, but that’s what conference needed. 

I have been saying ‘Yes’ to new things, and I didn’t even realize it. You may be in the same position! But for every Yes, there was also a No. I think Shonda Rhimes (Executive Producer of Grey’s Anatomy and How to Get Away With Murder) puts it best: “Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life." - Shonda Rhimes

Where am I failing you might be asking? 

Well, I traded in work hours and money, I traded in a bit of pride and a lot of sleep. I traded in projects I was passionate about and exercise altogether. I traded a part of my old self in order to become a new person. Don’t be fooled into thinking every Yes is a benefit. Every Yes comes with a cost, whether small or big. And yes, it did matter to me to lose all of the above... but it was worth it. 

Mark Twain also once said "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.". 

We learn by making mistakes. We learn by trying new things. We learn by saying ‘Yes!’, even when the cost was higher than the gain. So consider Yes.

At the very least, you could learn a little.

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It has been a long day, but it will be a longer week. Here’s some inspiration to get you through!

Media of the week: Shonda Rhimes Commencement Transcript

More Vomit: Taylor//Brian//Josh//Judy//Justin//Hnou//Esther//Jenine//Ezy//Rowland/Vihash  

[xinginwords]

Restless

And here I am, 2:17am and I can’t sleep. I have no real impending worries, a relatively good balance of work and a decent relationship base. Still, I spent the Friday night unable to be satisfied by God. That is, instead of reading the Bible, praying, worshiping or any sort of devotion, I spent it aimlessly wasting time. Sure I had other ‘productive’ things to do. 

but I am frustrated by this. 

I’m frustrated that it is easier for me to write than it is to delight. 

We’ve been talking alot about the Holy Spirit recently and it basically convicts us of the truth of the gospel. Without it, we are both powerless and hardened of heart. That’s exactly how I feel. 

I understand that there is sacrifice, but I struggle to love the greater good, God. 

Beyond ‘purpose’, beyond ‘why’ even, is this. 

This restless feeling, that doesn’t know what to do with itself. Because it can’t surrender, and its never satisfied. Maybe great artists tune this to calling, maybe insomniacs reach for a pill, I can’t help but feel this is the piece of the puzzle in which I have to start on.

The Edge of a puzzle  is a corner barely a whisper of a bold proclamation It would be worse if you left this unfinished. 

It would be worse if I went to sleep. 

[xinginwords]

#Word Vomit Wednesdays 36  WAITING

Did you wait long?

This week’s topic: WAITING

I HATE waiting, mostly for other people in public settings because I feel super awkward. Like that guy next to a lamppost constantly checking his phone... That’s me. 

But now I just play pokemon on my phone. Not a bad thing at all really. 

Ever since I was little, I always felt like I was waiting for something. Waiting for my Dad to make me milo (age 4), waiting for my mum to send me to school (age 7), waiting for my brother to get out of the shower (age 11), waiting to finish school (age 17). 

We are ALWAYS waiting, for something or someone. Most of these things are good, but sometimes we are waiting for bad news... I think Phil Kaye says it best; “Fear of joy is the darkest of captivities”. I didn’t expect this vomit to go this way... 

Some of the worst waits of my life was being forgotten. I’m talking about waiting for someone to come pick you up and they literally just forget. It wasn’t so bad when I was with my brothers, because we had each other. It still sucked though, we were stuck at chinese school, it was too far to walk home and we didn’t have money or phones. We waited 3 hours once. In the same spot. 

I’ve waited for my brother multiple times, an hour each time... He’s a forgetful person, and his phone often runs out of battery. 

It is SO frustrating.

And after all this, what do I have to say? 

Waiting is all about trust. We wait because we trust. I have experienced the easiest of waits. I recently read of a girl going through domestic violence. Her back against the door as her father pounds on it, cursing, ready to beat her as soon as he gets in. Waiting for him to calm down, waiting for all this to go away. So who is she waiting on? Herself or him?

She was waiting on God. 

Luke 12:4-8 “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are you not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.  Wow. That’s perspective. 

And the funny thing is, it wasn’t so God could save her. It was just to remind her that this darkness, this fear, this wait is nothing in comparison.

So what’s a minute, what’s a day? What’s the darkest news you’re waiting on and compare it to something of perspective.  Because if that’s what you believe, (and I’m talking to you Christians)

Don’t complain and have a little faith. 

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Media of the week: Her blog post

Other wvw, also be prepared to look out for a new vomiter ;)

Taylor//Brian//Josh//Judy//Justin//Hnou//Esther//Jenine//Ezy//Rowland/Vihash  

[xinginwords]

#Word Vomit Wednesdays 33 WANT

The things I can’t have are the things I want the most...

This week’s topic: Wanting What You Can’t Have

Well that sucks. Figuratively of course... Soooooo I just bought some sports earphones because mine kept popping out at my last run. Safe to say, I got what I wanted, OR DID I? COS IN FACT I WANTED THE SUPER EXPENSIVE ONES!!!

You make a good point Xing, that your wants are in fact infinite and you are forever settling. I know right... The fact is, I want a lot of things, some tangible, most not. And most of the things I want, are simply not simple. There are career aspirations, family aspirations, adventure aspirations that I may or may not be able to have. Some will say they are dependent on me, and others will not. 

For most people, the real nitty gritty want is happiness and happiness can be achieved by materials, success, relationships etc. Who am I to judge then, if someone wants to take ecstasy to get it? Humans all crave the same thing, they just try with different means to achieve them, sometimes smart, sometimes not.

You’re doing alot of this wishy washy crap Xing. I know. Bear with me. 

TANGENT TIME! So I’m reading ‘ How to Win Friends and Influence People’ and it discusses the Socratic Method in which you inception (verb) into someone via questions. So the magic question is ‘ What do you REALLY want, that you absolutely cannot have?’ 

Is it eternal life?

Is it infinite happiness?

Is it rugged good looks and a butt tonne of money?

Is it character and integrity? 

What if I told you, that the absolute real want and desire in your heart was something you COULD have? That my friends, is the allusion to Christianity, and I’ll take the flames as they come. 

As for me, I don’t know what I want. I believe, if we just really knew what we wanted, no matter how impossible, we’d try to get it regardless. Humans don’t really believe in the impossible, how else would we be here today?

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This week’s song: Lost Boy - Ruth B Check out more vomit here!

Taylor//Brian//Josh//Judy//Justin//Hnou//Esther//Jenine//Ezy//Rowland/Vihash  

[xinginwords]

Important Truth

About a year ago, I swallowed my pride. My friend articulated a point I believed wrong, within my field of expertise... As an evidenced based health professional, it seemed well within my rights and duty to educate them on the matter. I could see however, they were adamant. So after probing gently, and heating up to a disagreement, I relented. It hurt my pride and ego as a man as you can imagine. Here I was, submitting on what felt like the very core of my intelligence. If this was worthless, then so am I. Both in character and usefulness. 

As bitter as that experience was, subtly and slowly, emerged a shift in perspective from them. Perhaps it was that I relented once upon a time. Regardless, my opinion did not diminish because I submitted, in fact it gained weight despite it. 

You see, few are logical, most are biased and prejudiced. There are few truths in the world, and logic will not hold you in lonely times, people will. Consider relationships are more important than ‘truth’, because for all we know, love is only truth I want to know. 

That decision over a year ago has made all the difference. I could not imagine, losing a dear friend over a matter that hardly matters. 

In one of my first posts that I said ‘ I wish I had lied’ about a similar incident. But diplomacy is not about lying, it is about seeing what is important. 

[xinginwords]

#Word Vomit Wednesdays 32 PROMISES

I PROMISE NOTHING!! HAHAHAHAH

yup.

This week’s topic: PROMISES

A promise is a sacred pact to uphold or do something. 

I say sacred, not because it is religious by any means, but it holds honor. There’s another simple but deep word... 

So what have I promised in my life? I pretty much never promised anyone anything significant. But I’ve made promises with myself all the time. Ones I’ve kept and ones I haven’t. More often than not I pat myself on the back for not making promises I can’t keep. Good work Xing, You didn’t fail at that promise because you never gave your word!

Sounds good in theory...

Better than an Australian politician right?

Wrongish... It’s true that a promise never made is better than a promise broken. But the longer I live, the more I change my perspective on what it means to live. So on a real tangent, one of the main reasons I didn’t decide to do medicine was because I didn’t want to work hard. What’s the point of that?! But as I get older, work becomes more of a privilege than a pressure. I just finished a survey about elderly people, asking;   What do you think an elderly person wants to do with their time? 

I of course answered: Work.  They want to be useful, I would hope we all do. 

So on this long long tangent, doing something is better than doing nothing. Promises are just like that. Promises are a good thing. They hold dreams, bonds and heart. Yeah, promises aren’t something to take lightly, but a promise worth keeping is a promise worth making. 

#deep #sodeepIcantseethebottom

So what can I promise you, my viewers, or even myself from this blog? Nothing. I can’t promise I’ll make it on time every Wednesday, I can’t promise I’ll continue this forever. I can only promise that I’ll try, to write and continue writing, and when you meet me in person, it will hopefully reflect this here. 

The promise is Authenticity, and its a much harder walk than I ever anticipated. 

[xinginwords]

TR: What makes Xing Happy?

INTERESTING Topic Request.

There are alot of things that make me happy, from a good bargain, to a successful video or even a smile on the street. Yup, I’m not creeped out by strangers smiling because that’s what small communities do!

Besides the point, the real question is, what is a selfish happiness of mine. When was the last time I felt TRULY happy?  Truly is great word. It speaks volumes. ‘How are you?’ becomes ‘How are you truly doing?’. 

Well, I kinda feel like the happiest time in my life was when I was 10. I remember having my birthday at school and it was nothing special. But that year, was great... I had alot of friends, hanging out after school everyday playing pokemon cards or 4 square. Playing 40/40, rollerblade hockey, gang up chasey. I ran reserve for cross country which was really getting a day off school cos I was a reserve lol. I spent saturday afternoons lying in my brother’s bed looking at the ceiling wondering if everyone secretly had the same favourite colour but just perceived blue differently... I was cycling my bike heaps and heaps, went to skate parks and friends houses, watched tv after tv series on ABC and still did well in school. My brothers were also in school and had heaps of time to play together cos there weren’t any exams yet. It was the best of times...

It really was.

Happiness has never been a moment for me. It has always been a time. I’ve had happy moments from graduating to birthdays, from test scores to first jumps, but... seasons really do it for me. So rather than explain an inexplicable feeling.

Here is an excerpt from one of the happiest times of my life. The Summer of 2011/12. 

http://xinginwords.tumblr.com/post/13627571137/the-red-moon 

And the song of the post is: Relient K - The Best Thing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfX4vR2lNW8