32 “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.” - CHENBAEKXI 8DDD
I LOVED WRITING THIS SO MUCH MY SOUL IS HEALED
“Ithink I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.” - CHENBAEKXI
Thefirst time he said it, it was to himself, quietly, in his head, inthe silence of their shared empty flat. It was the middle of the dayand Jongdae was working at home, so as usual he was alone. As usualhe got up when he felt hungry, picked up the dirty socks Baekhyun hadleft under their table the night earlier, dropped by their room toput them in the laundry basket. As usual he laid down on the bed fora while, nesting his head against the pile of pillows he had insistedon getting because hey, there were never enough pillows. He grabbedMinseok’s notebook on the nightstand, the one he used to writethings he needed to do. As usual, Jongdae chuckled because what usewas this notebook if his boyfriend was forgetting it back home ? Herummaged through the pages, laughing at the little doodles he orBaekhyun had done on some of the pages, before putting it back down,his stomach reminding him that he was hungry.
Hegot up, smirking slightly when he tripped over the bottle of lubethat had been accidentally kicked under their bed. He put it back inthe usual drawer, making a mental note that they’ll probably needto buy more soon. He caught sight of Minseok’s huge scarf on theback of a chair and frowned. Minseok hadn’t left the flat withoutit since a while, he hoped he wouldn’t fall sick. He shivered atthe thought and grabbed one of Baekhyun’s big sweater from hispile, sighing in relief when he smelt the familiar odor of hisboyfriend on it. Finally he left the bedroom, walking toward thekitchen. He opened the fridge and smiled at the box full of leftovers from yesterday with a post it in familiar handwriting “Pickme Pick me Pick me <3 !”. On the level above, the samehandwriting on a similar post it “Don’t forget me !!!”on a dairy produces box. Well, Jongdae thought, he knew he needed toeat some, Minseok had made sure to point out how he’d never drinkmilk or anything related.
Here heated the left overs, took one of the dairy produce pot andsettled on the couch, his hands drowning in Baekhyuns sweater. Heloved this. He loved his current life, the rhythm they had, he lovedstealing his boyfriends clothes when they weren’t there, lovedlazing around and quietly moving in that place they decided to sharetogether a while ago, loved to be there when Minseok or Baekhyunwould come home and welcoming them, loved falling asleep with theirthree bodies cuddled together, loved the slow evenings and the steamynights, loved-
Hisspoon full of yoghurt stopped in its track.
Heloved them.
Jongdaeloved Minseok and Baekhyun.
Jongdaeloved them.
Heslowly put the spoon down in his plate, licked his lips, processingwhat he had just realized.
“I’min love with them.”
Heslowly hid his face in Baekhyun’s sweater, suddenly scared of whatthat implied.
+
Whenhis boyfriends came back home that day, Jongdae felt like things hadchanged. Not in a bad way, not in a noticeable way. In a sense, itwas like a few months back, when it had all started, when he couldn’tbelieve it was real. It suddenly all seemed so unreal and scary.Putting a name on his feelings, making them so much more importantand precious even if he now realized, it had been that way since along time. And he didn’t want to fuck it up, he was terrified.He was so fucking scared, it was overwhelming, he couldn’t keepstill, even with his head on Minseok’s lap, Baekhyuns hand playingwith his sweater as some episode of a corny show was playing, his twoolder boyfriends making comments.
Jongdaeglanced at them, letting his eyes trace their features, observing anddiscovering like it was the first time his eyes had laid upon them.And he had no words, no beautiful lines or any poetry to describethat feeling his whole body seemed the radiate at that precisemoment. There was no means in the world that could make anyoneunderstand the affection, the connection, the love he felt forthose two men, Minseok, Baekhyun, his boyfriends.
Asmall, nervous tear slipped out of his eyes, and of course bothnoticed, immediately fussing over him, what’s happening babe ?Are you okay ? Holding him up so he was sitting on Minseok’slap, facing them as more tears burst out, drowning his eyelasheswithout any control. Baekhyun held his hand, looking so worried as hetucked his head on Jongdae’s shoulder, pressing sweet kissed on theskin, while Minseok was trying to collect the tears with his hands,his mouth, his words, small reassurance whispered in his ears,that they were here, that everything was fine.
“I’mjust-” Jongdae sobbed, but he had a smile on his face. “I’mjust so in love with you.”
Hishold on Baekhyun’s hand tightened before removing it from hisfingers, pressing it against the back of Baekhyun’s neck, beforelooking straight into Minseok’s eyes. “I’m so in love with youboth, and that terrifies me.”
Minseokwas finally breathing again, and soon he was hugging Jongdae, amirror of Baekhyun, his head tucked in the crook of Jongdae’s neck.“I’m so fucking terrified because relationships are so fragile.Because if one of use makes a mistakes, it might goes up in flames.And I don’t want that.” A small shhh escaped Baekhyun’slips, who had his hands in Jongdaes hair. “I love you both somuch.”
Theystayed like that for a few minutes, Jongdae trying to stop theuncontrollable tears, from confusion, from fear, from affection. Hetold them about how he had realized it, how their routine was part ofhis life and it was the best, how he missed them every minutes of theday and having their things lying around in the flat made him feelless lonely, like they were here with him, how fucking stupid he feltright now. And both Minseok and Baekhyun were quick to collect him,hugging him, kissing his face and neck, every patch of skin theycould reach, I love you toos and it will be okays,decorated with it worked so far, it will works, i’mscared toos.
AndJongdae realized, there was no need to cry, no need to feel soterrified, because their relationship wasn’t only him, it was thethree of them, and Jongdae trusted them like he trusted no one else.Even if Minseok hadn’t said it before, or if Baekhyun would onlywhisper it quietly in the middle of the night, he knew. They lovedhim as much as he did. They were as much scared as he was. As muchscared to say it, to make it real, because they knew how fragile itall was.
