also I wanted to say sorry for ignoring your asks in my inbox its just cuz I was away for so long, it was too overwhelming to answer all that (Im still incredibly grateful tho), but veeeeeryyyy soon I will post some lore dump and I wanna answer some questions! or just write me hate emails I will still love you anyway
(Short answer:) I have dated before but not in a serious and longterm enough way that I’d call it ‘being in a relationship’, if that makes sense? Like, I’ve never thought of someone as my boyfriend/ex, so it's just been dating that never became serious enough to turn into a proper relationship.
(Longer TMI ramble answer lmao:)
I've mentioned this before, both in the context of writing Nat's anxiety for CYE and just simply ranting here, that I used to be really anx-depresso for years and years. I had zero interest or energy for anything for the longest time, including anything social. So while other people were doing the usual young people things and getting these experiences, I was just a sad blob getting through them days</3 Crappy times but great source material for writing realistic emotions for all sorts of different scenarios in stories😩 ANywho, I've always been pretty romance-y even when sad blobbing, so when I finally started to get out of that a lil and felt a bit more human, I wanted to try the whole dating thing too. So far I've never really clicked with anyone though, which is why it’s never gone past the more casual dating stage.
In the last few years I noticed that I really don’t like the whole dating thing in general, at least not in the way it’s gone for me in the past. Learned that I hated being in a situation where the dating started with us having the same expectations (relationship, not casual), but somehow I'd end up feeling like only I was hoping to build that relationship / care / connection, and the other person was just after the physical side. I really didn’t like how it felt like the only way to get attention from these guys was through that route, and my people pleasing butt took a bit too long to realise that that was not a fitting vibe for me😅 Left me feeling a lil bit too insecure and objectified for it to be acceptable in my books :’) But so it goes, it's a learning process like anything else. Still, I decided not to do that at all for now: the next time I’ll even consider ‘dating’ someone, I want to feel like there’s some more connection first and not just physical attraction or whatever.
It’s just tricky because dating in general seems to traditionally rely on that physical attraction and angle from the get go, and it's so fast. Like, dating apps always rely on the visual side of things from the start, y’know, and you're generally just expected to jump right into it. If a stranger asks me out somewhere, my first reaction is usually a whiplash because… wait, you don’t even know me??😭 (I find people attractive physically/aesthetically too, but that's more secondary for me in the beginning compared to sensing a good, matching vibe from someone over a longer period of time) I know dating is supposed to be about getting to know someone…. but I guess after all these years and experiences, it just easily gives me a weird ick when someone approaches me based on just my looks alone?
Asdfgh it’s confusing, I don’t know how to explain!! Like, compliments and interest is nice obviously, but I guess the next time before I date/go meet someone with the intention of dating, I want us to actually know each other a little bit so I know they actually like me too?? So it’s not dating just because they’re horny and they think I’m fit lmao :')
