#xxccxx

[crshngwvs]

[crshngwvs]

this, is not for you. this is for me. this is f.s.fitzgerald and e.a.poe., c.bukowski and k.tucholsky. the beginning. middle. an end. still the same but different. healed: as good as new - but still healed. a progress. a chapter. closing the circle.

[crshngwvs]

can’t tell if it’s been months or years. but way too long since wrinting. and i sadly must say, i don’t feel like starting again right now. so much chaos and stress. planing, waiting. running around. living from day to day. having a four room appartment, living on my own, living alone. trying to handel everything and the quietness at night, when there is no one but me. no one who makes any sounds; closing the door, opening the fridge, walking down the stairs. lonelyness in way to big rooms. and studying for university. but still being lazy. trying to spend as much time with my loved one. and building our life. waiting for the day he moves in and trying to make him feel as home as i can, while filling these walls with memories, i took with me from home. and home. so far away. a second life, which is not second but first. the first and always prefered home and life i had to leave. so i can grow. missing family. home. friends. missing my besti, our midnight crys and movie nights. and that we dont need to be sorry for talking about the same boys over and over again. and fuck it, i wish i could tell u, but i cant. and cant handle how far away this is. and that i fucked up handling it. how i miss being home. and the people i loved for years and years. and i know, it seams like i forget about you, my dear, my home, my friend. but i try to handle it. and i cant.

and i think this is growing up.

[crshngwvs]

Manche Flüsse münden ins Meer, und wenn ich dann dort am Ufer sitze und der Strömung zu sehe wie sie davon treibt, wird mir klar, dass es eigentlich gar nicht so sehr darum geht wo wir jetzt grade sind, sondern wo wir ankommen werden - dass das alles eine große Reise ist und wir in der Strömung des Flusses leben. Hier und Dort scheinen nahezu am gleichen Ort zu sein, denn alles verschwimmt mit uns, versinkt in uns, denn wir treiben ab. Und egal wie kalt das Wasser und wie wie stark die Strömung ist, manche Flüsse münden ins Meer. Und dann merke ich, dass Zuhause gar nicht so weit weg ist.

[crshngwvs]

Landluft. und sentimentale Fragen. hallo Zuhause.

[crshngwvs]

Du bist das Gegenstück, in jedem deiner Blicke lag Stolz und Freunde und Liebe und es war du. Und dann war da plötzlich nur ‘wer bist du?’ und ‘was ist hier?’ und nichts. Alles war anders. Und das kannte ich nicht.

[crshngwvs]

and i start dreaming of things that will never happen and people i haven't seen since months and all the things that never should be reminded. memories are still fading away but my mind is grabbing their dark roots to hold them close. everything seems real again and i can feel the breath of every single moment. night dreams are becoming daydreams and i feel like i've been awake since days. where are you going honey?