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So my BFFs and I have this Race until 31st October who loses the most weight... Last week I did more exercise than EVER eat healthy (except 2 meals) , many many hours of fasting... and ... Gained 300grama in 1 week. #WTF? So yes, I binged today... not in a good mood
Daily “words” that can’t help you...
I am getting used to not to dinner. During the first days of this new habit, I was worried that my grandma -imagining that she was like all the grandmas in the fucking entire world- would be worried, that she would say “ohh noo... bla bla bla”.
So... NO. Actually, this morning, after my dinner of 2 simple crab stick (less than 50 kal) i had a little sandwich of smocked salmon (less than one hand) because I am not going to lunch. Then, i had one little cookie for celiac people (i have this box i want to fucking finish, so i rather to pick it up in the morning).
Then, my grandma came to the kitchen and she was like “I don’t know how you say you are loosing way, there is no way, you ATE SO MUCH”. I felt like SHIT. I felt like I don’t deserve that. I felt so huge. Insecure and mostly gluttonous.
Let me rewind that, the other day, i bough dry fruit. She was like i am going to get fat, that i cannot eat so much of that BLA BLA BLA. So to make her fuck mouth shut up i told her (which is true) that i am in my lowest weight in 2 years (which is true).
The worst part about this story, is that I really think I am eating so much, but at the same time, I know I am eating MUCH less that I used to eat. I really don’t know what to think... I am in control, I just want to eat “enough” but i don’t really want to have an ED. But... this really doesn’t help. Right now, i feel like a fucking whale. Just for one fucking cookie (by the way, a tiny one of 32 cal).
This past week has been really tough, my period is coming today (well, it had ot came yesterday but it seems she doesn’t want to show up) and i feel fucking HUNGRY all the time. On one side i feel a little proud because i ate so much less than i used to eat during the week prior to my period, but on the other hand i ate so much more that i used to eat since the new “me” showed up. I have gained almost 1kg and i want my period to come to loose that 1kg of “blood + others”.
I am re-reading this... I think i got it; I am a mess.
Hope you had a nice Halloween, mine was a shit.
Day Fry (backwards)
Today is finally friday, I honestly can say that until now, I have eating really well and really clean.
I was not about to get dinner... However i started to feel REALLY hungry, and kind of dizzy so I had some fruit.
This sunday i got a birthday party, hope i will be able to control myself and do not surrender to sweets and the “forbidden” food.
While i am eating fruit, i am actually looking at thinspo... I think it is kind of “addiction”...
Yesterday
Well i made my challenge and I got drunk, luckily for me and my body, i get drunk with lilttle alchol, so that was 1/2 Mojito + 3 shoots = completely drunk.
Since i made my very first goal (not the final one) and it was one of my rewards, i am very happy. Plus it was the perfect moment for that.
Now i am worrying because every monday i record my weight on an excel and i do a comparartive etc... I went today to the gym.. but i am a little scared about what number will show it tomorrow...
Diary
Update from this week:
I have been talking with many MANY people about diet. But I have one excelent case I would like to mention. This friend, has lost more than a half of his weight , which in poudns would be more than 220 pounds...
He told me that one day, he woke up and got conscius about that. What did he do?
He eat cleaner and walk.
Just like that.
Of course sometimes he ate the cheat meals, but he changed little things on his daily diet (like coke to coke 0) and he walked like a lot.
Lately I am very tired. I don’t feel like going to traing. However, I feel like going to walk. So i take my waterbotle and I go to the gym, i put on my cellphone netflix and I walk.
This walking plus eating a little less during the day has made a huge difference.
Maybe I am not loosing weight as fast as other people, but i am losing weight and not being very hungry (just a little). I have breakfast, lunch and very light dinner sometimes. So i am pretty happy.
Hope this keeps working for a while!
PS: Right now i am going to the gym to walk :)
PS 2: Only 3 pounds for the GW1!!! Yayyyy
It’s all about start...
I am not good at starving... Actually, if I have to be honest with you, I think nobody is good at it because humans are genetically made to eat, so we have energy, because at ancient times food was not abundant. In conclusion, we are designed to eat to be alive.
However, I have been thinking a lot, what I want? What i need to achieve that? And I realise it is so simple: I want to be skinny. Just that. And yes, I have tried MANY MANY diets, and of course, “yo-yo” effect has come back. Ultimate answer: new way to address my life.
So here it comes where I start, I am not good at fasting, actually my record is not even a one single day... But I am not letting go. I can do it. Last weeks i have been reducing eating porcions. Next step for me is to eliminate “fear food”. I have to be strong for that. Final step is to starve on week-ends. I cannot allow myself to starve during weekdays due my job, but what i can do is to eat the minimum that my body requires and starve on the weekends.
I am going to try one complete starve day this week. However I am not really good at excuses. I will do a research about that.
My Rewards
I saw this kind of post in another tumblr and I would really to make my “own” version of this to motivate me, some things are exactly the same but i really like the idea:
165 ~ I’m allowed to get drunk (once!!)
GW1 (160) ~ Wear that leather skirt with high boots and red lipstik + get manicure done.
153 ~ buy that yellow leather jacket that I love like Megan Fox
GW2 (147) ~ “accidentally” send Whatsapp to M***** and show him what he’s missing (I’m also allowed to get drunk again)
140 ~ all new clothes
UGW ~ I can eat THE fear food (but not too much!) - Real Party, get drunk, kiss some good-looking stranger guy at the Disco/Place.
First day
I have been thinking A LOT about writting a diary... Lately I have had a difficult times, not hard, because I am pretty sure other people have been trought really hard times, but I felt bad, too much tension, in every aspect of my life.
Step by step i have been fighting this difficult situations, but there is still something pending, something I have not taken care of too much time of my life: MYSELF.
I want to feel good with myself, i want to be proud of my body and most important I want to walk around everywhere givving a fuck about what other people say about me because I would be comfortable and good. This is it, i have been going and back during this last month, but i have made a decision: if i want something I have to fight for that!
Let’s begin the journey!
