Him
So, I’m documenting this text mainly for my own sake, a sort of way to help myself cope I suppose. And since tumblr is known for the amount of people who bitch and just complain, I figure something like this would flow in nicely, the objective of this is not to get noticed in anyway shape or form, as a matter of fact it’s almost the opposite, as the certain person whom is involved does not attend the site on a regular basis, and if you are reading this, you know who you are, I have no ill will against you, so no this isn’t to bash on you in anyway. Just a bit of a biography I suppose. I am currently attending Comic-Con in San DIego, alone in my hotel room, it is 1:44 PM, and to be honest its been fun :) the atmosphere and thrill of the city has kept me distracted from a rip in my heart. Alright let’s just get to the point, I once had something with someone, something that I thought would never be taken away, I loved her so much, we would visit a local park on a regular basis and just soak in each other’s presence, very much high school sweethearts that had real love, how did I know it was love? Because we could be ourselves, we could cry, or scream, we could fight and return clean, we were inseparable. All couples eventually get curious… soon enough it happened, my parents had warned me but I was a fuckin’ fool. I still remember the text for consent, but I won’t restate it, purely because I’m not a dick lol, just using this to vent. It felt so good to have someone love me for who I was and to have a romantic partner that let me explore our relationship in other ways. Things got out of hand fast, we definitely got carried away, and it caught up with us just as karma works. I didn’t care though, I wouldn’t let a small bump of awkwardness get in the way of me making her mine forever. We had dreams, and hopes for a family and a gingerbread house, y’know the stereotypical cliche family lol. I wanted it with her so bad, I didn’t want to imagine a world without her. But nothing lasts forever and all good things come to an end. Though I can say with confidence that I guarantee you have never heard of a break up due to these reasons. I do remember the night I spent crying all night… if you have a significant other right now… look at them and just gaze, they’re beautiful in every way right? Handsome, pretty, just perfect in every way because you love them… but what if the amazing aura of happiness they emit suddenly vanished? I remember being on our nightly phone call, and I remember the fucking conversation that pulled my heart apart. She was transgender, and I want to make this clear : I am not a homophobe or against the LGBQT community, I support you guys, but as a straight male who was with such a beautiful female partner, I felt my life was complete, I was happy for once. But our conversation that night killed me, brought me back into the abyss, broke me, I would eventually put the pieces together, she had cute short hair that actually was there to help her look more male, and she would feel awkward in dresses, and in make-up, which I didn’t care for. So I supported her… him. Because I loved him, I acted like I didn’t fuckin’ care, like the feelings of insecurity weren’t even there, because I had so many feelings for him, I acted like the feelings of discomfort weren’t even there, because I was so fuckin’ scared… of losing him… her… him… I wanted the her…. of him. Of course it just crumbled from there, we started fighting more often, I became cynical of things that weren’t even there, we stopped telling each other of emotions and she started… we started lying to each other. I dunno if she ever cheated on me, I know I didn’t cheat, but of course I was cynical of her, him, sorry. I didn’t want to lose her, we had boxes of polaroids of each other, and countless love notes. But I still wanted to support his transgender ways? I bought him a breast binder, gave him some of my clothes, let him hang with other guys, and in the process destroyed myself. But I had to put on the face XuX, so no one worried about me. Don’t get me wrong, he tried for me too, he started saying things like “I just wont have a gender for a while so you’ll be more comfortable”, and again I said acted like it was okay, It wasn’t. And I was an asshole in many ways, mostly because he was transgender, that was the main reason we crumbled. So D… if you did stick through this whole post, I didn’t break us because my mom told me too, I did it so you could be free of me, you don’t need someone who cant accept you for who you are, you are so perfect in so many ways, too perfect for a hopeless dork like me, don’t hesitate to wave in my direction, I’ll smile back :). Thank you for all the memories D, I wish you and your future SO the best. And thank you for anyone who is going through a breakup, you are not alone. Annndd that’s it, I can officially say I’ve ranted/vented on tumblr, yay! I’m tumblr scum!! I love all of you. Peace.