Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress! Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call! Psalm 102:2
Conversations with the right people often bring out various gems such as wisdom and comfort; I love having conversations with people who are understanding but it rarely happens. There are conversations that end up in arguments while some conversations are too dry. For this year alone, I often find myself having a conversation with the One I promised to work my relationship with — God. I guess 2024 is the year that I have the most conversation with God and although I do not get a “literal” verbal response from Him, those conversations hold the most weight than any conversations I have with any human. I found comfort in those conversations with God even though most of the time it was just me unleashing my pain and anger. In the days when I felt so trapped in the misery of life, screaming at the sky became a habit. In 2024, I often found myself to be in the same spot as I was last 2023, under the fig tree like Nathanael.
The hit series The Chosen has been mentioned in this blog a lot of times because it was the main reason why I came home to God. It was as if that show was “Jesus” who reached out and found a “lost sheep” which is me. Before I came across the series, I was in a very difficult position in life and I do not believe in God anymore. That show led me back home. I ended the year 2023 with the feeling of being in the process of “rebirth” and it led me to make a decision that as I start a new year, 2024, I will be working hard on my relationship with God. And now as 2024 comes to a close, it was the best decision I have ever made; my “faith” journey was not easy though, I have fallen numerous times but I do not regret the decision of continuing the “rebuild era” of my faith.
Not every calling of Jesus' apostles was narrated in the Bible so for faith-based movies and series like The Chosen, writers have taken the creative liberty to show the calling in a way that is still respectful to the scriptures and this is where The Chosen shines. They have portrayed the callings in a way that the Lord’s message is still there and today’s generation would understand. While all the callings were beautifully portrayed, the one that stands out for me is the calling of Nathanael. The Chosen’s episode 2 of season 2 is definitely one of my favorite episodes because of two main reasons: Nathanael’s calling and Philip’s kindness towards Matthew. This blog post will focus on the conversations involving Jesus, Nathanael, Philip, and Matthew.
Differences and disagreements in a group are normal since people are different from each other and the apostles of Jesus are no strangers to those scenarios. Matthew, because of his former life as a tax collector, was often the “outcast” in the group. There is an obvious tension between Matthew and Peter so when Philip arrived and officially became a part of the group, he became this bridge towards showing the apostles how it should be done the moment you became a follower. One of my favorite quotes from the episode was when Philip told Matthew “I ‘was’ something else once too. Once you’ve met the Messiah, ‘am’ is all that matters…the people out there, they want to define us by our past…but we’re different, we’re awake.” It was a great statement of assurance for someone like Matthew and once that line was delivered, it felt as if the message was being told to me directly as well. There are moments, especially at the beginning, that I felt so conscious about being “loud” in my newfound faith. There are times when I feel hesitant to share bible verses on my sns accounts because of the reputation that I have. There are times when I feel like people would judge me for trying to be “holy” now when I was far from it before. I was afraid that people would judge me because I was never a kind person before so if I become loud in my faith now, they will think I am a hypocrite. But then, Philip’s words to Matthew are comforting because it’s true; once you decide to accept Jesus in your life, who you were before is just the past because what matters is the present life with Jesus. It gave the same message as what Jesus said in John 5:14 and John 8:11 “Sin no more” No human is free of sin but once we accept Jesus in our lives, it is now our duty to leave the life of sin and follow Him. True repentance can be achieved through Him alone for He is the way, the truth and the life.
Another conversation that I loved from episode 2 was when Matthew asks Philip to help him in learning more about God’s words. Matthew said that it was “To make up for the lost time” in which Philip responded with “No Matthew, you did not lose any time. It just got rearranged. You’re gaining it all back now” It was a simple yet deeply moving conversation. I bought a Bible as a Christmas gift to myself in 2023 and made it my goal to read it in 2024; and I did read it and finish the entire Bible this year. I decided to get myself a Bible so that I can also make up for the lost time just like Matthew has said so I started 2024 by reading the Bible. There are even times when I would just keep on reading despite not fully absorbing the verses because I feel like I have so much to catch up on and I do not want to let time pass again. But in “speed reading” I missed fulfilling the very reason why I even started reading the Bible in the first place, to re-introduce myself to God. It became reading because it was a “requirement” for me to finish all the books before 2024 ends so when I reached the book of Job, I was surprised. I stopped reading the bible after I finished the book of Job because it was difficult for me to understand why the God that I thought to be merciful and loving, would allow such a thing to happen especially to a faithful person like Job. And then all the events in the previous books hit me too — the great flood, the plagues in Egypt, famine, wars, it was all too much for me to understand. The “pause” I did in my journey back to God felt empty but I was able to compose myself and bring myself back to reading the Bible again. I realized that there is no need for me to hurry. As I begin to read the Bible again, I let my mind and my heart become open to God’s words so I can fully comprehend His message.
Nathanael’s arc in The Chosen means a lot to me because of its beautiful storytelling. His character was introduced in the show as someone who is working hard to maintain the position he worked hard for and he knows how to stand his ground. I also like his honesty and his “no filter” vibes. However, his life changed when an accident happened at work. He lost everything he worked hard for which led him to the fig tree. Under the fig tree, Nathanael was crying out to God through Psalm 102:2 and that scene hit close to home. Like Nathanael, I have also found myself under the fig tree, crying out to God. His pain is familiar to me. It was difficult to hold on to God’s promises when you were in your lowest moments and felt as if God had abandoned you. I have been under the fig tree several times this year too. It was in those moments that I feel as if I deserve to get an immediate response from God but often have to deal with His “no” as an answer to my prayers. It is difficult to maintain your faith when you are receiving “God’s no” instead of “God’s yes”. Like Nathanael under the fig tree, my heart is breaking and I am desperate for answers. I fully understand that challenges, rejections, and heartbreaks are part of this world but I feel as if the amount of pain I am getting is too much. In those moments when I found myself under the fig tree too, I often wondered if God had abandoned me because it felt as if I was just screaming at an empty sky. I have also asked the same question, “Do you see me?”
I have been alive for 28 years now and while my life has its ups and downs through the years, 2024 has got to be the most challenging year for me. This year was the year in which I had the most mental breakdowns; this year just hurt me in a very different way. If someone would tell me that they are going to give me $1 Million in exchange for having to go through 2024 again, I would immediately decline. I do not know what’s with 2024 but somehow it is a year that is worse than my previous years. I would even go as far as describing it as worse than 2017 when my depression was at its worst and my antidepressants are the only thing that keeps me going or I will say worse than 2020 even though that was the year when the pandemic was at its peak and my grandfather died. 2024 is one psychotic bitch! But then I came across this phrase online that says that “The closer you want to walk with God, the stronger the spiritual attack” and I guess that is how my 2024 went through. This is the very year that I decided to be serious in my relationship with God but coincidentally it also became the year that tested my faith the most. In a way I felt betrayed and abandoned by God every time I cry out to Him under the fig tree because I feel like I deserve to live a stable life too especially when I am working so hard in maintaining my relationship with Him. I guess the reason why I felt so hurt this year even though other years were difficult too was because now I know that God is real and knows what He is capable of, unlike the previous years in which I always doubted His existence. I know that He is the God who can do the impossible things that is why I am hurting more. I know that the horrible things I experienced this year did not come from Him but I also know that He could have intervened but most of the time He did not and that is where it hurts the most. Those are the moments in which I would ask God if He sees me because if He does, then why is He not intervening?
While the second episode of season two’s main plot is the calling of Nathanael, Philip’s character shines in this episode as well. Most of the beautiful and deep conversations involved him, like his conversations with Matthew, his conversation with Jesus, and of course the conversation with Nathanael when he is convincing him to meet Jesus or as they like to say it in The Chosen way, “Come and See” It was the conversation between friends that led the way to Nathanael to go out and see who this rabbi that his friend is talking about and that conversation happened during the time he felt so lost. I had my fair share of doubting God this year but somehow, various conversations with different people keeps on reminding me to just hold on to my faith and trust Him. I remember how I was ranting about the hardships I have faced this year and my own family would remind me of all the times God has come through for me this year which I often forget because I allow the negative things to outweigh the positive ones. I was looking at my life in the negative light instead of seeing that despite every hurtful thing I have experienced this year, God’s love remained.
The best conversation from the episode and definitely the one that is close to my heart is between Nathanael and Jesus in the end. It was their first time meeting so when Jesus told Nathanael about him, he got confused and asked “What is this? How do you know me?” in which Jesus replied with “I have known you long before Philip called you to come and see” And of course, Nathanael being the man of logic, looked at Philip to ask if he told Jesus about him so Jesus told him to not look to Philip for answers and then Jesus finally said the words in which I often find comfort these days, “When you were in your lowest moment, and you were alone, I did not turn my face from you. I saw you, under the fig tree” The first time I heard those words, it touched my heart because it made me feel seen by God and every time I rewatch episode 2 of season 2, hearing those words always feel so reassuring. While God never promises that life on earth will be free of pain and suffering, He promised to be with us through it all. It was those words that reminded me of how loving and merciful God truly is because He sent His only begotten Son to redeem us. As I have said before, I don’t think I would find my way back to God if it were not for Jesus. It was Jesus, who is both 100% God and 100% human, who made me become more accepting of God. During Jesus’ time on earth, He has also experienced what it feels like to be human — he knows the feeling of joy, excitement, hunger, thirst, and even pain and loss. So every time I feel hurt, I just know that Jesus understands. He knows. He sees me.
Looking back at everything that happened in 2024, I realized that it was indeed one of the most painful years of my life but there are still moments in which I felt joy. Those moments of joy were rare but I guess that’s what makes them precious. So many things happened the way I did not want them to but there are also various events in 2024 that made me experience the love and mercy of God. Honestly, there is still a part of me that does not fully understand my arc in 2024 but I choose to remain in my faith in God. I guess this year is the year that taught me the essence of 2 Corinthians 5:7 “We live by faith, not by sight” because it showed me that my faith should not be determined by the number of times I experienced God’s miracles but to remain faithful even in the moments when I feel God’s silence.
