#yearsingle

[theyearofsingle-blog]

[kiss-me-once-in-the-snow]

Passing Slowly Through a Vector

I promised myself that I was going to learn and heal. I was not going to rush into anything. I was totally fine with that. Life it seems to have said, “Fuck You” to my plans. So, now I must maintain the balance. I must keep the distance to pull myself together, but I cannot deny the genuine connection that I feel with this person. It is fireworks in the night sky. It is burning a whole inside my chest. We speak the same language. I am not sure even what slow means. I am a person that has thoughts and feelings at the speed of light. I have been reading things in order to help my understanding. It says “the slower you go the faster you get there.” Do not take the relationship labels on too early, hold of getting sexual, and keep making time for yourself. Seems easy enough. Except my natural state is to want the security of labels, I seek the connection of physicality, I also tend to crave to spend every day with someone. Slow is against my nature….but my nature has been disastrous so far. I feel that this could really go somewhere. Sooooooooooo time to scream it to myself…SLOW but you can still be excited. I am still learning to be in my own skin. It is impossible to create something beautiful like a relationship if one of the pieces is bent. I need to feel like a whole person. I have to believe I deserve happiness in order to get it.

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[kiss-me-once-in-the-snow]

Being more.

I started writing on here as a way to get all the pent of feeling that a break up caused me. I thought I had found someone that was going to be in my life for a long time...for her to vanish. I have blamed everything under the sun. I have felt the gambit of emotions. I have rethought so many things. I went about trying to correct my karma and to grow as a person. I apologized(all be it the worst apology ever) to someone that deserved so much more from me. I am filled with so many regrets.I feel that no “I’m sorry” will ever bring justice to the equation, but she forgave me. This beautiful soul forgave me. I cannot even forgive me and she did. I need to work so hard on becoming a better person. I need to be more like that. I am going to spend this year working toward that goal. To be someone that loves fiercely, communicates openly, and forgives at all cost. I made so many mistakes but falling for her was not one of them. Letting others put doubts in my head or not trusting anyone enough to really communicate are mistakes I must learn from. I read something earlier today it went something like this. “find a girl that is to good for you...and let that make you become that good.” I have miles to go before I sleep, but I have been given a wonderful direction. 

[kiss-me-once-in-the-snow]

Karma

I didn’t know it, but I am willing to admit it. I have had this kind of heartache coming for awhile. Once upon a time I broke a girls heart and bailed. I left for an abusive relationship that had already wasted years of my life. Why? Good question. I don’t have a clue. Maybe it was the time already invested or that I thought I could fix her. If I could do things right this time things would be perfect. Flash forward someone has broke my heart and bailed for the same reason(going back to an abusive/unstable person). The irony is becoming. I left everything I said I wanted for a ghost of something. My ex is doing the same. I wonder if she knows she is making the wrong call right as she makes it. I know I did. The second I did it. I was that stupid kid that traded his totally rad new bmx bike for the one with training wheels and broken chain. All cause you thought, “I can fix the chain and I owe the other bike for me learning to ride and shit”. Sometimes things are gone. They are broke and you cannot fix them no matter how much glue use slap on. Sometimes, that funny-silly girl that was too good is the one you should've stuck with. And now it is time for karma to kick you in the balls for previous dickheadery. You think man...I fucked that call all up. 

[kiss-me-once-in-the-snow]

Over it

Today the circumstances have been relieved. I am slowly coming to the realization that another relationship has failed. No coming back. I asked someone, “what the fuck is wrong with me?” She responded that my timing seems to always be off. Then she apologized for the shitty things she did to me. It got me thinking of some of the bad karma I have built up in my relationship jumping. One person, I feel like I was particular shitty too. I wrote an apology knowing that it was going to bring no real comfort. I have wanted to say sorry for so long but was honestly fearful. I was very ashamed of my treatment of this person. I went into that relationship with the best intentions only to not communicate about my feelings. I was so use to someone that I could not communicate with I never gave her a chance. I just assumed that talking about my negative feelings would kill the relationship. I think that is something I must work on in the future is talking about the uncomfortable subjects.  With my anxiety I already want to numb the pain. Alcohol or relationship. I need to be okay with not feeling okay. That feeling of being in love or falling in love is a great pain killer to all other crappy things in my life.

[kiss-me-once-in-the-snow]

Thes song that is most how i feel

[kiss-me-once-in-the-snow]

First post, 1 Week without

Okay, lets kick this thing off. It has been a week since my ex girlfriend left me. In that time, I was told it was because she needed time to get her life together and didn't want to lead me on. As well, as finding out she is back with her ex or at least letting him spend the night. The circumstances surrounding her and him are at best a guess. As some evidence points she may be turning to him for shelter or out of fear. Other evidence points that she actually wanted back with someone that has abused/made her life hell. Someone she ran away from with just the clothes on her back. This part has left me unsure as to what believe. I will await further evidence before I commit on her motivation. 

Week 1. The initial shock and wanting to die has subsided. I still miss her incredibly bad. She consumes my thoughts. What is she doing? What is she thinking? Have I crossed her mind? Is he touching her? Does she want him,too? Is she scared? Why did she do this to me? All questions that keep hammering away at my head and heart. I start thinking of a future without and seems colorless. I feel as if someone took my dreams and put them on shitty 50s black and white TV. I sometimes will look at her picture on my phone or social media and wish that it would light up. That she would want to say this all a mistake and please come over. I don’t know if she will ever come back. I have to get use to the idea she will not and I will be spending a year single. That seems so easy right now. I am so heartbroken the idea of another girl touching makes me sick. I hope with time that will change. Hell, maybe by the end of this I will be counting down the days till I can ask someone to “go steady” with me. 

[kiss-me-once-in-the-snow]

#yearsingle

On February, 8th of 2016 I was dumped. Now, this came a complete surprise to me as I thought the relationship was going very well. I had even thought about how this relationship could grow. I fully believed that with time this was the girl I could marry. The break up was rocky to say the least. My emotions ranged from devastated to anger. I seriously came to a really dark place. What could have I done better? Was there someone else? Did she ever love me? Was it all a lie? These are questions that vexed my very existence. One full week later many of these questions still haunt me. I try to be logical and say I do not want her back, but I do. Or so I think I do. It has occurred to me that in my  25 years of life....ten+ of them have been in a relationship. I have not went a year without one since I was 14. This brings me to this long post that I am sure you are already bored of. Do I miss her or being in a relationship? Do I love her or the idea of her. Am I just a lonely fuck that needs someone to validate my being? Unfortunately, time is the only one that can tell me these answers. So, have decided to catalog my struggle with being single for full year.

The rules: I can not enter into a romantic relationship... meaning NO GIRLFRIEND I may resume being a hopeless romantic hell bent on finding love on February 8th of 2017.  I will write entries cataloging my experience of the single life on my tumblr under the hashtag #yearsingle  if anyone want to follow along. 

 Life tends to be more complicated so I do need to add my escape clause because of circumstances in play...the only exception to this rule will be a resurrection of my last relationship (probably not going to happen).