Sitting down at the desk in her room, Sea pulled out a blank notebook and a ballpoint pen. A small tear rolled down her cheek at the sight of the name engraved into the pen, but she hurriedly erased it from existence. She continued to blink until the looming threat of waterworks went away, and then her eyes focused on the task before her.
Growing up, she'd always longed for someone to give her advice. Someone that cared enough about her to tell her that what she was doing was wrong. Someone that had enough experience, someone that had lived through what she had. Someone who loved her and wanted to see her do well in life. And now...now she was realizing that that someone she'd always wished for had been there all along. It was her...Sea was her someone. She just wished she'd known it sooner.
And in honor of discovering this tidbit of truth, she thought it was fitting to write herself a letter. If no one was going to be there to give her advice, then damn it all, she was going to do it herself. With the tiniest of sighs and a quick biting of her lip, she set pen to paper and began to write.
Dearest Sierra,
Hey yo future me,
Sea,
I admit, I'm not the best person to be giving advice. But I know you well, like the back of my hand (ha!), and I think I've earned the right to say what I'm about to. Or write what I'm about to. Pah, technicalities. Who really cares?
Anyways, over the past four three five months here (shit, it's been that long already?), I've learned a lot. More than I have at any other point in my life, which probably isn't all too surprising, but it's worth mentioning nonetheless.
Numero uno: Don't be afraid to love. Don't be afraid to be loved. It's not as scary as you think, and it's definitely worth it, despite all the pain and heartache that will inevitably follow.
Numero dos: Move on. Move on, move on, move on. If Fox doesn't come back fairly soon, you're going to have to go on with life. That doesn't mean you have to forget him, no. I mean, Jesus, you have his kid to take care of. But you need to allow life to take you somewhere Fox-free, as much as you may hate it for doing so.
Numero tres: Alcohol isn't everything. You used to think it was a way of life, but now you know it's the opposite. It eats away your life, bit by bit, and you don't notice it until it's nearly taken everything.
Numero cuatro: Set a good example for Kylie. You're doing well already, yeah? Staying sober and running the bar as if you knew what the hell you were doing? Keep that up, it'll only benefit her in the long run. She needs someone to look up to...you should know that all too well since you lacked a strong parental figure during your adolescence.
Numero cinco: Breathe. Don't forget to breathe. I know, sometimes you're doing everything in what feels like a crazy rush, and you feel like you're never going to finish. But fuck, throw that all to the side and take a second to collect your thoughts. You deserve it, and it's vital to keeping your sanity. Trust me.
And hey, lastly? Live. Live life to its fullest. Live like you're going to die tomorrow, because heaven knows that's a definite possibility. Live like you've nothing to lose, even if you've already lost it all. Live like no one is watching.
Because in the end, that's what you're always going to want. More life. And when it comes down to it, you have the chance to get everything you've ever wanted. You only have to reach for it, and it's yours.
So damn it, stretch those arms and reach.
Yours forever (obviously),
Sea
Her fingers were fast to fold the paper neatly and tuck it inside an envelope. Once it was sealed, she placed a light kiss atop the paper and shoved it inside one of her old suitcases. Because anytime she got that fear and wanted to run away from it all, she'd have to run across that letter. She'd have to face the music.
"No," he almost yelled, reaching forward instinctively to grab her hand, not wanting to be alone. He felt incredibly pathetic in that moment, but he did not care; if it kept Lucy near him, then he would be the most pathetic fucker in that hospital. "Don't leave me please," he pleaded, his voice somewhat strained from the pain in his side. "I'll deal with him, just don't leave me."
Lucy walked over to his good side and climbed into the bed next to him. She pressed her body against his and grasped his hand, she won't leave him, not ever.
After a couple of minutes of socializing she couldn't wait any longer, she needed to see him. Lucy said goodbye and walked out to where she knew he would be waiting. She walked up to him from behind and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning up on her tiptoes to whisper into his ear. "Did you miss me?" He turned around, enveloped her in his arms and leaned down to kiss her quickly on the lips. "Come on, lets get out of here."
They took their time walking home, discussing baby names. They hadn't meant to get pregnant and in the beginning it was rough but now they have learned to accept it and take it in stride. They ended up deciding to name it Ivy if it is a girl or Felix after Andrew's father if it is a boy. After five years everything has finally begun to even out between Andrew and his father and he accepts Lucy like she is his own daughter. She never thought she would get a chance like this in her life and it warms her heart thinking about the family she finally has.
Lucy turned around when Andrew did when someone started talking behind them, panic washing over her. A familiar scene played in her mind from five years early in the confrontation with her father.
"Lucy, leave, please." Andrew told her, but Lucy couldn't leave him again, not after what happened last time.
"No-" she started but he cut her off.
""Lucy!" he yelled at her. She choked back tears and turned around and ran, pulling out her phone to call the police. She didn't go very far and sobbed into the phone, begging them to come. She hug up when she saw Andrew round the corner. Lucy looked beyond him and saw the headlights coming towards him. "Andrew no!" she screamed!
Without even thinking she ran into the street and pushed him away, causing him to fall on the side of the road, but leaving her in the path of the car. What happened next was a blur but then she had a moment of clear consciousness. She could hear faint sirens in the distance and vaguely make out Andrew standing over her crying. "Lucy, stay with me please! You need to stay fucking awake, Lucy. You can't leave me!"
Lucy opened her mouth to say his name but she ended up coughing up blood. "I love you." she managed to cough out before everything went black.
***
Lucy tried opening her eyes again but everything was far too bright and the beeping coming from somewhere next to her vibrated in her head, making her feel like she was going to explode. She groaned in pain. Suddenly she felt a pressure on her hand. "Lucy, please squeeze my hand if you can hear me."
Lucy responded to the familiar voice by squeezing her hand as hard as she could. She tried opening her eyes again and managed to turn her head towards the voice. Her heart leapt at what she saw. "Andrew." she muttered.
He leaned forwards and rested his forehead on hers. "You're okay." he sobbed, "Everything is going to be okay."
Christmas time has always been really hard for Lucy through her entire life. When it was supposed to be a time for happiness and family it only meant her dad got drunker and his hits got more frequent. It had also been Christmas when Lucy made the fateful decision to leave the only life she had ever known to start over while taking care of someone else. As she grew older Christmas grew to be a time of guilt. She never had the money to spare to buy Noa the gifts that ever other child her age had the privilege to receive. Though the young girl never seemed to mind there was always a guilt in Lucy that she couldn't give Noa the life she deserves. Eventually she learned to become indifferent. Christmas was just another holiday that everyone made too big a fuss over. She is already perpetually annoyed with everyone and Christmas only furthers that.
Christmas first began to change Lucy's life when she was 24, although she didn't know it at the time. That was the Christmas that she met Andrew. The first time they kissed, although it was jokingly, was under mistletoe in the doorway of the bookstore he worked at. Meeting Andrew that Christmas changed her life once more. Every year since then, she has never been alone on that holiday. It has always been the three of them and more recently four with a tentative acceptance now between Andrew and his father.
On this particular year his father and Noa have already left and with a little too much alcohol in their system they decided to take a trip back to the town where they first met.
Lucy laughed and stumbled onto Andrew. He grabbed her to steady her and laughed quietly. "Someone has had way too much to drink. I never knew you as a lightweight, Lucy." Lucy frowned jokingly. "It's Christmas, it is a time of celebration. Beside, I'm not that drunk, I just like being close to you." Her life has taken such a turn from what she thought it would she can't help but be drunk with happiness and completely content with simply being near him. Andrew pulled them to a stop when they stood on front of a familiar doorway. "Hopefully there will be more to celebrate." Andrew muttered but Lucy simply looked at him confused.
Andrew ran a hand through his hair nervously. "Look, you know I've never been good at these things. Remember the first time I tried asking you on a date? That was a disaster, so now I'm going to try again." Andrew paused to take and breath and Lucy looked at him, still confused though somewhat understanding what is happening though not completely believing it.
"I came here because this is where it started. We had our first kiss here and we almost fucked here but my boss caught us, though that never stopped us after." He groaned at his own rambling and quickly pulled out a small box from his pocket and opened it.
"I know sometimes I suck a lot but Lucy, will you marry me?"
In another time Lucy would have shot him down in an instant without even thinking but this isn't that time. Andrew showed her a life she never thought she could have. He finally made her care.
Lucy practically threw herself onto him, smashing her lips against his before pulling away slightly and whispering against his lips, "Yes."
“Fuck,” Lucy muttered, “how do you do this again?” She poured a bit more oil into the pan. “Why won’t you fucking fry!” she yelled at the chicken in the pan. No matter what she does she can’t get it to fry right. Lucy looked down at the chicken with disdain. When she cooked with Wren everything turned out fine. She isn’t doing anything differently now so it should work but it isn’t. Lucy leaned back against the counter and stared at the flame under the pan. All she wants is her bloody fried chicken. It shouldn’t be this hard. Lucy turned around and turned the volume on the ihome up so her music filled every nook and cranny in the flat. She turned around angrily, grabbing the bottle of oil, and pouring it on the chicken angrily. “Just fucking fry!” she yelled.
Somehow in her frenzy a bit of the oil managed to fall onto the flame and catch in fire, shooting into the air. The whole pan burst into flame. “Fuck!” Lucy screamed, backing away. Quickly, she grabbed a kitchen towel and tried throwing it on the flame to put it out. That only caught on fire along with everything else, causing the flame to grow even larger.
“Noa! Get the fire extinguisher now!” Frantically she grabbed her large pitcher of lemonade and threw it on the flame to try and put it out. Her effort seemingly had no effect and the fire continued burning on. Noa ran in with the fire extinguisher, practically throwing it at Lucy. “What did you do!” she yelled but Lucy ignored her. Instead she fumbled with the extinguisher, hands shaking, trying to make it work.
Somehow she managed it and foam came shooting out everywhere, covering Noa and other various parts of the kitchen. Lucy pointed the extinguisher at the growing fire dousing it in foam while Noa watched horrified. Eventually, the last of the flames were put out.
Lucy tossed the extinguisher across the room and slumped down onto the ground. Noa’s laughter filled the room as she grabbed some of the foam off of her and threw it at Lucy. Lucy joined in and swatted the foam away. Together, the two girls fell onto their backs on the ground in fits of laughter. “How did you manage that?” Noa asked between desperate breaths. “I just wanted fucking fried chicken!” Lucy threw her hands up in the air, continuing to laugh at the whole situation. The two girls’ laughter mixed in with the fire alarm blaring and the music still going, drowned out the rest of the world.
Lucy slammed another glass down onto the counter on front of her. “I fucking win again!” she slurred while laughing. She doesn’t know how many shots they’ve taken anymore only that she keeps doing them the fastest and that’s all that matters. She tries to high-five the person standing next to her but misses by a couple of inches and ends up smacking them in the face instead. “Oopsies,” Lucy giggled.
Normally Lucy doesn’t drink this much but the day had not been good. Her dad was not in a very good mood and took it out in the same way he always does. She has a new bruise hidden under her shirt as proof. As always she chose to drink to forget but this time it got a little out of hand. She can barely stand on her own anymore. The bar in front of her is her saving grace though she isn’t completely sure what bar she is in or how she came to be there. All she knows is there are an endless stream of drinks being presented on front of her being paid for by someone else so she lives on in drunken bliss.
That was of course until suddenly the alcohol stopped coming. Lucy slammed her fist down, causing the old wooden bar to rattle. “Come on! Give me more fucking drinks!” she yelled at no one in particular simply hoping someone would listen or the alcohol would magically appear. She was sorely disappointed when it was a man instead. “I can’t drink you,” Lucy mumbled. “I should hope not.” The mystery man in front of her replied.
Lucy looked up at him and squinted. Her vision was blurry and she didn’t have the energy to force herself to focus. All she could make out about him is he is tall, young, and attractive. “You look too young to be behind the counter. Hey, do I know you from somewhere?” she added after a moment. The man chuckled quietly. “My uncle owns this bar so he lets me help out from time to time and you seem to end up here pretty often. We also go to the same school, I think. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you there before. Besides, aren’t you a little young to be at a bar anyways? How did you even manage to get in here!” he retorted.
“Because I am half this bars fucking income that’s why. On that note why don’t you do your job and get me more fucking alcohol!” Lucy asked, getting annoyed. She doesn’t need anyone lecturing her on her drinking habits. She wants alcohol and they want her money. It is a win win situation so why is he being so damn difficult.
“No can do.” He told her, shaking his head. “We’re closing up now. You’re going to have to leave. I’m not even going to ask for your keys. You definitely don’t look old enough to drive but god know what else you’re doing if you’re spending your nights here. How are you getting home anyways?”
“Yes I can drive but no I do not have a bloody car. Do I look like I have that kind of money?” Lucy laughed bitterly even in her drunken stupor. “I’m going to walk home. It isn’t very far, I think. I’m, like, 83 percent sure I live on Bluff Road.” Lucy held up six fingers as if that validated the number she told him which she no longer remembered. Lucy stood up, using the counter as support. “Well I’m not the one footing the bill so I’m going to head out. I have to go home or daddy will be mad. Well, he will be mad anyways, he always is. I just don’t need anymore bruises than necessary you know?”
The man seemed very unnerved by everything she just said but she didn’t pay attention to him too much but frowned instead. She hadn’t meant to say anything but it all came out anyways. She wont remember it tomorrow so neither will he. No harm done. “Bluff? Christ that’s far to walk. It's good couple of miles and you can barely stand. Wait two seconds and I’ll drive you.” He told her, placing his keys on the counter and putting away the last of the glasses. “I wouldn’t want your dad to be mad at you.” He added quietly, “No one deserves the bruises.”
Lucy inhaled another deep breath of the sweet, salty, air. Her dream has always been to live in a little town on the ocean and here she is at the ripe age of eighteen following through. She never thought she’d have a dream let alone achieve it after everything yet here she is. Even if everything else goes wrong she will always have her stint in the little town on the ocean that a sign she had passed upon entering informed her is Cromer, England, 8,113 residents.
An oily strand of hair fell on front of her eyes, making it even harder to see in the dark night. She hasn't showered in over a day and needs one badly. Lucy and her little sister Noa only got off the bus moments ago but she already know that this is the place she wants to start their new life. It is the last place anyone would look for her. They left nothing that could be traced back to them. Every bus ticket and hotel room from the past weeks was paid for in cash. Lucy even went as far as to dye her hair blonde and style it differently. No one would ever find them here Lucy thought bitterly.
Lucy slung her bag over one shoulder and pulled Noa’s wheeling one behind her, the other girl practically sleep walking. The cut still fresh on her side stinging at the strain. It has not yet had a chance to heal properly yet as it has been reopened multiple times with all of the lifting Lucy has been doing. She almost likes it better that way. It is a reminder as to why she had to leave everything she has ever known behind, why she had to leave probably the only person in the world who will ever really care about her with nothing more than a letter.
They began walking in the direction that they were told the hotel would be. They will stay there tonight and tomorrow Lucy will begin her search for a cheap place to live and a job. She still has enough of the cash she managed to steal from her dad upon leaving to keep them afloat for a month. Beyond that, their future in this little coastal town is unknown. It’s too bad they can’t stay long.
Andrew sat on the old beat up couch in his flat, taking whatever drug he got his hands on that week. After being laid off from his job as a waiter, this was pretty much the norm for him, with Ami working full time at the hotel. He felt as if he deserved it; it’s been a while since he took some time off to himself and he was basking in his laziness. He knew his girlfriend had a problem with it, but he paid no attention to it. She had a problem with almost everything.
Hearing the door unlock, Andrew looked over, blowing out smoke; it was not 9:30 yet. Ami should still be at work. But she obviously was not, since she was instead, standing in the doorway, glaring at the young man on the couch with a crack pipe in his hand.
“Uh, hey babe. You’re home early,” he greeted, noticing her harsh stance.
“We need to talk,” she growled, walking in and slamming the door shut behind her.
“Uh, okay, talk awa- Oi, what the fuck?” he let out as she slapped him across the face. He dropped the pipe, and rubbed his face, looking at her incredulously.
“You’re so fucking disgusting, you know that?!” she yelled, hitting him on the shoulder this time, very hard.
“Fuck, Ami, calm down, what the hell are you talking about?!” he yelled back, holding his hands up to protect himself from her fists. What she was angry about this time, he did not know.
“What am I talking about?” she repeated. “You don’t think I fucking know about that little party last weekend? Jesus, do I look like an idiot to you?”
Andrew’s brow furrowed. He didn’t remember any party. “Wha…” he started, trying to think back to that week. He could literally remember nothing.
“Look at you, you’re dafter than I thought. What made you think I wouldn’t find out? Who is she? Just some random fuck, or have you two been seeing each other for a while?”
“Ami, what are you talking about? I don’t remember anything,” he told her, trying to sound rational. But once the words came out, he remembered. Shit, he thought. How the fuck did she find out?
“You know what I’m talking about! Andrew, you fucking cheated on me!” he shrieked, tears springing from her eyes.
He was pretty much backed into a corner, and he had no idea what to do. Lie, just lie. “Who the hell told you that? I would never cheat on you,” he mislead, his voice level. Standing up, he put his hands on her shoulders. He was always a good liar, but this time, he knew his skills would be in vain.
“Oh shut up, you asshole.” She smacked away his hands. “Jennifer told me. She was there Andrew, she saw you!” Pushing him away, she picked up her stuff from the coffee table. “I don’t care what you say about it, we’re done,” she finished, walking into the bedroom.
“Jennifer? She’s a lying cunt, that’s what she is. I can’t believe you’d take her word over mi-… What the fuck do you mean, we’re done? This happened before, you get angry, I comfort you, we make up, and we go back to the way we used to be. It’s how we are, Ami,” he called after her, finding her stuffing most of her clothes into a bag.
“No, because my friends spoke to me about it,” she began, as Andrew rolled his eyes and muttered here we go. “Let me fucking speak!” she yelled throwing a shirt at him. “Andrew, you’re going nowhere in life. All you do is sit, shit and smoke. You're twenty three years old and you're living like you're eighty. You don’t take care of me, like you said you would. You don’t take me anywhere, you don’t cook for me anymore, and you’re wearing me out with doing nothing! I want to see the world, I want a life. You already wasted yours, don’t make me waste mine.”
Andrew listened to the girl, his eyes wide. “So that’s it? You’re gonna ruin everything we have over one girl and five fucking years?! You said you were happy with me!"
“So you admit it! You did fuck her. God, you're a such a fucking pig!” She screamed, tossing more clothes at him, nailing him in the eyebrow with a sharp bra clasp.
“Fuck, stop throwing shit at me! What are you, nine?” he yelled, rubbing his eye. “Alright, fine, I did fuck her. But don’t you say you didn’t fuck Jeremy last year, you’re at as much fault as I am.”
“Don’t turn any of this on me. That was last year, you idiot, not last week! And who told you that, Tucker? When has he ever told you the truth?”
“He’s my cousin, of course I’m gonna believe him.”
“He’s your drug dealer, how could you ever trust him? Don’t even answer that question, it’s over. We’re over, you’ve got your drugs, your shitty flat, the girls at the bar, I don’t fucking care. I’m leaving.” She hitched her bag over her shoulder, walking past him out of the room.
“Oh yeah, just solve our problems by walking out. Good for you Ami. You know what? Fine, you don’t need me and I don’t need you, just go. I hope you have a wonderful fucking life in, oh where was it you wanted to go? Oh yeah, Paris. See, I remember these things. Go find your soul mate there and live your life seeing the fucking world. God you’re so pretentious!” He argued back, following her to the front door. “You always had your stupid head in the clouds, and I still put up with it! I always entertained the thought of you becoming a famous artist, but you don’t realize the practicality, you don’t live in real life. Get that through your thick head!” He didn't care anymore. If she wanted to leave, he would let her leave. It's no use keeping someone miserable around.
“Fuck you, Andrew!” she yelled, as she left the flat to her car.
“Oh, well if you did that more often, maybe I wouldn’t need another girl!” he called back, standing outside and watching her place her things inside.
“You know what, that miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. The kid would have had a god damn fuckhead for a father.” With that, she got into her car, started it, and drove away, leaving Andrew outside.
“What the hell are you looking at!” he screamed to the other neighbors, gawking at his shirtless, angry form. He retreated back inside, and slammed the door shut, the impact causing a photo of them to fall to the floor, shattering the glass.
I know that I owe you so much more but this letter is all I can give you. There is so much more I wish I could say. It will be the last thing I ever give you as I have decided to leave. This was the hardest yet easiest decision I have ever made in my life. By now you will have realized I am not coming to the new years party and we will not kiss on the stroke of midnight to welcome in the new year and to celebrate the passing of eighteen years of my life. Eighteen years of life here is the reason I must leave. I have been here far too long, made so many memories, and met so many people in my short life, but most importantly you. The last year with you have been the clearest of my life. You touched me in ways I never thought possible and in ways I don’t believe will ever happen again. You saw in me what no one else could and brought me out of the darkness and into the light.
I wrote this letter because I know I am not strong enough to say goodbye in person. Just seeing your face would crumble my resolve and this is something I have to do. I beg that you do not try to find me and by the time you read this we will be long gone. This is a new start and we need to do this ourselves. My dream is to someday live on the ocean. For now I pray that you find a girl who will be there for you in ways I never could. It may be hard now but she is out there waiting for you.
Although I have already begun to close myself up again, I will always carry the things you taught me with me even when I am lost and can no longer remember. I fully intend to stay clean where ever we end up, I owe you that at least.
I owe you so much more than this letter but with this I am going to let you go. You will always be in my heart and I even believe in may love you. My only regret is realizing too late and never being able to tell you to your face. I will always hold you close to me in my heart.
