seen from United Kingdom
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from Latvia
seen from China
seen from Netherlands
seen from Brazil
seen from Vietnam
seen from Canada
seen from Uzbekistan
seen from Colombia
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seen from Kosovo
people in NY keep asking me what i am doing for New Year’s and i’m just like, there’s no point: nothing lives up to hanging out in pajamas at @losertakesall‘s drinking too much pink champagne and whisk(e)y playing mario kart and cards against... and salivating like a crazy person until the 5 pounds of candied chicken arrives.
M: I think we both like this whiskey because it's triple distilled in copper, and, you know, it tastes like blood.
me: oh right because it's shark week for us
M: exactly!
me: email from Kaiser: "As your health care champion, I would like you to have a Pap test as soon as possible."
me: ho-kay, kaiser!
youandsometimeswhy: christ that makes them sound like some sort of medieval knight
youandsometimeswhy: PLEASE NO JOUSTING IN THE VAGINA
youandsometimeswhy: if they m'lady you i think it's time for a restraining order
youandsometimeswhy: i would like you to have a pap smear post haste, m'lady
me: it's not even from My Doctor, it's just from A Doctor
youandsometimeswhy: lemme up in there, with my swabs
youandsometimeswhy: i am not like the other doctors, i am your cervix's CHAMPION, m'lady
me: Nice Guy Kaiser (TM)
me: I feel like your sexual orientation is WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME
youandsometimeswhy: and yours is I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER
re: speed dating
me: why are there always way more women? like i feel like dudes should be working way harder. show up to the thing, be a person.
youandsometimeswhy:i think it might be the age-group. lots of biological clocks going off for the women around my age
youandsometimeswhy: and few takers. especially with all the peter pan motherfuckers around here.
youandsometimeswhy: meanwhile, dudes my ages are like "i can totally have kids when i'm 50!" without ever asking the question of "with who?"
rational self-amusement
youandsometimeswhy: Zappos targeted adds keep trying to get me interested in Joan of the Arctic wedge-heeled boots and I cannot decide if they are hilarious or just wrong.
youandsometimeswhy: i am trying to imagine that meeting
youandsometimeswhy: "no, no. it totally makes sense. ARCTIC because they're lined winter boots"
youandsometimeswhy: "and it's IRONIC because she was BURNED to death. GET IT?"
youandsometimeswhy: "HOT and COLD. GET IT?"
youandsometimeswhy: "god you people have no sense of humor. good thing i own the company!"
me: "plebians."
youandsometimeswhy: WHO IS JOHN GALT
my grandmother (via twitter): "call your mother. she got bit by a dog and is in a lot of pain. -granny"
[i have not spoken to my mother or anyone in her family for years]
me: [fwds tweet to alan and mairi] can you believe this shit i just had to block my fucking grandmother on twitter. like what the fuck could i do about a dog bite anyway.
alan: whoa they'll try anything won't they
alan: Call your mother. She's a Nigerian Princess and if you reply now you will inherit her fortune!
alan: Call you mother for all natural male enhancement and Russian brides!
mairi: And that's not all! if you call your mother now, we'll throw in this premium professional quality chef's knife set, and additional $99 value!
alan: Want to make $10,000 per day from home? Just call your mother!
me: [uninterrupted expletive-laden bitch-fest about a thing that's happening]
youandsometimeswhy: *passes you a waterfall and a trashy romance timetravel novel set in the scottish highlands and some herbal tea
