Jul 8, 2013
Me: This book smells nice.
Friend: What does it smell like?
Me: Glue.
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Me: This book smells nice.
Friend: What does it smell like?
Me: Glue.
What greater crime could there be than fixing the price of chocolate?
For shame, for shame...
I hate things that require effort.
I guess this means I hate life.
Me: Am I funny yet?
World:
Me: How about now?
World's Best Party Guest
If it's possible, I think I may be the world's best party guest. As long as I get a few drinks in me, I'm quite the personality. Unless there's too many people, then I don't want to go to your sucky party, okay?
I talk, people laugh. I forget to control my indoor voice while saying ridiculous things, everyone stares. It's a great party trick.
Choice random yelling quotes are:
"You're really a family of cannibals and you're trying to eat me!"
"I always say things out of context!"
"We're not talking about zombies!"
So, the next time you want a fancy dinner party ruined, just call me, and I'll be there to shout random non sequiturs.
I come with some lovely catch phrases, like:
"I'm like America, I never lose a war!"
"No, you're out of order!"
"Objection!"
"Sidebar!"
Oh, wait, that's a lawyer...
Oops.
How I Debate
I'm such a terrible person to debate with. If you ever get into an argument with me, I suggest you cease your activities immediately.
Why, you may ask.
Because I'm like America, I never fucking lose a war.
Guy: *Posts some picture on Facebook of a street with his last name*
Me: Congratulations. Someone with the same last name as you has actually done something valuable.