// I have this hc that gav used to keep an audio diary thing and i felt like writing some of the entries. it starts of pretty cute but gets heavy real quick so be warned about that ^^;
tw: mentions of abuse, suicidal thoughts, lots of angst
912 words <3
{June 15th, 2016; 00:00:34}
Gavin: Uuh… Hey, I guess? I don’t know why I’m doing this, I just read somewhere that keeping an audio diary thing can help you when you need to rant or whatever, so… [he mutters] God, this is dumb.
[There’s a beat of silence]
Gavin: Well. It’s June 15th, 2016. I’m 13 and I’m already a mess, honestly. Haven’t really got anything of note to say, so… See ya. Hope my future self is doing a bit better than this.
-Click-
{May 23rd, 2017; 00:00:40}
Gavin: I forgot I started this thing. It’s been ages [he chuckles]. Guess the main thing of note is that I realised I’m gay, so that was a thing… One of my friends - James - he’s hot as fuck, and oh my god. I do not know how I didn’t realise earlier. But yeah, now it’s super awkward cause I’m just here, kinda thirsting over one of my friends, but I can’t really say anything cause, y’know, I don’t wanna risk him hating me or anything. …Apart from that nothing else has happened really.
[The sounds of movements, then-]
Gavin: Oh yeah. It’s May 23rd, 2017.
-Click-
{September 14th, 2017; 00:00:50}
Gavin: Guess who forgot about this thing again. [He chuckles, but there isn’t really any humour to it] It’s not been as long as last time, only a few months, but a lots happened. Mum and Ryan won’t stop arguing about every little thing recently. I’m kinda scared of what’ll happen if they split… Like, yeah, I hate Ryan, but I don’t know if mum’s gonna wanna move out and take me with her or what and I don’t want that cause Eli’ll still be here, probably. Mum and me haven’t really been getting along much either though recently, so who knows. Guess I’ll just have to wait and see… God, I wish everything could just go back to how it was.
[A pause]
Gavin: …No I don’t, my life’s always been shit.
-Click-
{September 18th, 2017; 00:00:38}
Gavin: [Yelling, seemingly directed away from the recorder] Hey Eli, c’mere a sec!
[A moment of silence, then some shuffling footsteps]
Elijah: Yeah?
Gavin: I want you to say hi to my thing. Recorder thing. I dunno what to call it.
Elijah: Call it Travis.
Gavin: That’s- [laughter] That’s not what I meant, but sure. Travis.
Elijah: So what, are you keep a diary on this thing? [His voice gets closer, as if he is approaching]
Gavin: Uuh yeah, I guess you could call it that. I keep forgetting about it though so there’s like, nothing on here.
Elijah: Cool. Well, hi Travis.
Gavin: Oh my god, Eli… [Despite his words, it sounds like he’s smiling] Ok, you can go back to whatever nerd stuff you were doing now.
Elijah: Actually, I was just-
-Click-
{December 4th, 2018; 00:00:48}
Gavin: It’s been like, over a year since I last did this, damn. Well. I said a lot about how shit my life was before, get ready past me, you’ve still got a lot more shit coming. Mum and Ryan split, Mum moved out so now it’s just me, Eli and Ryan here. Except Eli may as well not be here anymore cause he says fuck all to me and barely ever actually comes out of his room. Ryan hates me like usual, so all in all I’ve just been stuck in a life that absolutely sucks with no one to talk to. I constantly feel like shit and honestly I sometimes wish I just didn’t exist. I don’t seem to be important to anyone here, so why should I bother?
[A moment of silence, Gavin seemed to hesitate. Then-]
Gavin: [he mutters] Fuckin' hell…
-Click-
{January 30th, 2018; 00:00:52}
Gavin: [He seems to be crying] God, I fucking hate this place! Me n' Ryan got in a really bad argument and he got really mad and fucking hit me- It just- It just reminded me of when I was still living with dad, and I- Worst thing of all was Eli. He saw the whole thing and just fucking stood and watched, he did nothing. God, I just hate everyone here so fucking much!
[The last few words were yelled, accompanied by a bang that sounded like someone hitting the table. There was a few more moments of quiet sobbing]
Gavin: I just wish I could end it all. Sleep forever. Or just fucking die, I only seem to be here for people to fuck with, so what’s the point anymore?
-Click-
{August 16th, 2019; 00:01:01}
Gavin: So, I got kicked out. Me n' Ryan had another argument and I admitted to wanting to move out and so he yelled at me that if I really want to he'll make me, then proceeded to tell me to never come back.
[There was a moment of silence, then a sigh]
Gavin: I'm staying round a friend's house at the moment, but I dunno how much longer I'll be allowed to. After that, no fucking clue what I'm gonna do. …It's kinda terrifying, really. Before, I would say that I'd rather live on the streets than stay living there, but now that I'm actually faced with the possibility of that happening, I'm… I'm terrified. I'm still only 17, so I dunno if I'll be able to find a place I can live on my own.
