You’re Not Fatter’s
OK. I know I just wrote a post on my recent venture into a low-carb lifestyle. I know I promised to touch on the psyche and the human condition, and I will. Consider this rhetoric involving the psyche expended when engaging in a simple social transaction regarding personal ‘lifestyle’ choices. Let me set the scenario: I gained approximately 15 pounds due to inactivity caused by foot injury and the resultant surgery. I am a girl who was raised with manners and wears her heart on her sleeve. When someone asks me a question, I give them a fucking answer. No one likes to be ignored following a question, so I am simply being polite. The problem then lurks in my reply. The requester, at times, becomes annoyed by my response. They may even take an agitated tone, scoffing at the truthful reply I have given. (More on the outdated practice of common niceties in a future post)
In a recent exchange between myself and an acquaintance, I was heating my lunch in the break room when I was asked, “What’cha eatin’?” To which I replied, “Oh I dunno, some Atkins frozen-meal-thing. I just began the Atkins, and this looked reasonable.” Now, a sensible person may have just said something along the lines of, “I see, well enjoy!” and walked away. That’s it. No additional questioning. No further commentary or prodding. Nothing. Those people (we shall call them Sensibles) are not much use to me, but they are nice enough and the small talk they offer usually breaks the lonely monotony of life. However, the requester in this incident was not a Sensible. Nope. The requester in this exchange happened to be a You’re Not Fatter. (You have to say that in a booming movie announcer-type voice to really get the feels on this)
You’re Not Fatter’s (YNF’s, for short) are a particularly bothersome subspecies of homo erectus. Not only will a YNF genuinely believe they are doing you some big favor by employing ingratiating tactics, they will become annoyed by any attempt made to disagree. For example, we shall begin with the same innocent-sounding question, “What’cha eatin’?,” and instead of the delivery coming from a Sensible, It comes from a YNF. To which the YNF’s question I reply the same as in the preceding example, “Oh I dunno, some Atkins frozen-meal-thing. I just began the Atkins, and this looked reasonable.” YNF’s will never- I repeat- NEVER walk from this opportunity to provide first, a back-handed compliment, and second, their unsolicited (and often lacking empirical evidence) advice, commentary, and the gift of allowing another homo erectus to hear their voice. * insert deadpan expression here*
So, just like a starving fish in a polluted lake, they take the bait. They reply (gasping), “Oh! Isn’t that diet baaad for you? I mean, all that meat and fat is hardly good for you? Besides, why are yoooou on a diet? You don’t need to lose weight!”
And to which I internally respond, “Bitch, please.”
The external response is tricky. An individual can get sucked in the YNF vortex never to see the light of day again. I carefully choose my outwardly verbal response replying with, “Meh. My body, my life, my heart disease,” then walk away before I cut a bitch for being so fucking ig’nant. With this example, I provide homo erectus with a valuable Public Service Announcement (PSA): Please do not offer unsolicited advice to grown-ass people and please do not tell persons trying to better themselves they ‘do not need’ to change.
Now, what the fuck was my purpose here, again? scratches head Oh lawd. Yes.
The YNF’s tiresome attempt to fulfill their pitiful little lives with meaning by spreading ‘the good word’ to others.
YNF’s, this next section is for you. And it’s actually meant to serve as a gentle reminder that your seemingly well-intended estimation is unnecessary. In fact it is superlatively annoying as balls. (don’t you love a sentence that has both an intellectual ring, as well as the word balls? of course you don’t, you YNF!)
In order to better serve you, I shall give my ‘people’ their own name: Don’t Give a Fuck’s (DGF’s). We too are sub-species of homo erectus. We too have our well intentions. We too care about the perpetuation of the human race. What separates us? I’d love to say IQ score, but since IQ is derived through a bunch of standardized tests that ignore other human variables (creativity, emotional prowess, etc.) it cannot be. The difference, you see, is WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!
DGF’s do not have this nagging compulsion to tell others what they should or should not be doing. DGF’s are mindful and respectful of other homo erectus’ personal choices. DGF’s truly realize that humans will live how they desire to live, despite any well-intended advice or disingenuous flattery. DGF’s are generally in tune with themselves enough to know when their lifestyle is harmful, and you know what? THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Furthermore, DGF’s do not have to resort to rudimentary tactics such as inserting flattery to get their point across. DGF’s realize that flattery is often a ruse that gets people to respect, listen, or submit to what you have to say- much like the lines used by a used car salesman or a loser looking to pick-up a chick at closing time. Please do realize, sweet YNF’s, that flattery to a DGF’s is as cheap as a camel toe on the street corner. And lastly YNF’s, unless you come with an entire university database worth of empirical evidence to support whatever it is you are about to assert, may I suggest you opine at a minimum.
That is all. I’ll eat what I eat, and you will eat what you eat. And we shall eat together, one judgy bite after another. In peace and ‘til poop do us part.
(The Fine Print: If you are a YNF and would like to seek treatment for your condition may I suggest immersing yourself in a pool of DGF’s. Better bring a case of beer; therapy is not free, but freeing!)
