Farewell
Summary: The time at the summer cabin by the lake has come to an end and it is time for San to say... ‘see you again soon,’ to Alex because it could never really be goodbye. Things have changed between the trio and her family. The family as a whole is growing and changing even if no one is acknowledging it. It was a summer of change for everyone.
Wordcount: 5k
Content warning: this one is a little angsty, (I promise it will get better), discussion of longing and wanting to fit in, experimentation with relationship dynamics, feeling left out, loneliness, kissing, longing, falling in love, and separation.
The last night of the summer trip came all too soon for everyone. Yunho, Mingi, and their girl were all eager to get back to their life and home together, but it had also been wonderful to have time with San and Alex. For the first time, she also felt that this time out in the wilderness had actually done what her father had always wanted. She felt closer to her family than she had for years. For once she was a little sad to be leaving.
The house was bustling with activity as everyone packed up and tried to get the cabin spotlessly clean. She had finished packing her bags and Mingi had already come by to whisk them away to the van to get them out of her way as she cleaned. Her mind was only half on what she was doing. It wasn’t like it was the first time she had done all of this so her mind could afford to drift to other, more important matters. Something had changed while they had been here, she wasn’t sure what…but something.
Really, she told herself, a lot had changed. San had fallen head over heels for Alex with head-spinning speed. She would have expected nothing less from him. She hoped Alex was ready for it because once San decided something, changing his mind was difficult, to say the least. She had always liked them, but they had never been the best of friends. The both of them had mostly passed through each other's lives here and there but they had never had the opportunity to become more than good acquaintances.
She had always felt defensive of them and it had rubbed her the wrong way their father had always treated them. Even when they had tried to be the daughter their father thought they should be, Alex had never reached those unspoken expectations of who they were supposed to be. It had just always struck her as cruel and wrong. This time, she had really gotten the time to get to know them; to actually learn who they were. She genuinely liked Alex, especially the laughing, teasing, sarcastic person who came out more and more as they spent time with San.
As much as San seemed to be giving Alex the attention and affection that allowed them to be the person they really were, Alex was saving San equally. She knew that San was grateful to be part of the group and that he loved them all like family. He knew he was on the outside in some ways. He was a satellite in their little system. Aways a part of the whole, yet also on the outside looking in. She felt color rise on her cheeks at the memory of the time that San had tested being more with all of them.
Honestly, she admired his open-mindedness. When he had come to them and said he thought he might have feelings for them and that he wanted to test things she had been both surprised and not. He’d had a crush on her years ago and she knew that some part of that had never really gone away and maybe never would. Still, she didn’t think that alone had been enough to motivate his want to explore joining them. He’d actually asked if Yunho would if he would be comfortable letting him try first.
It had all been a mess mostly. The kiss between him and Yunho had been awkward from the very start. They both tended to be rather inclined to be the ones to take the lead in things and found it hard to navigate who ought to do what. In the end, Yunho had relented and let San cup his face and bring him to an angle where their lips could meet comfortably. The kiss they had shared had been oddly passionless for as much as they had tried to explore earnestly. They had parted with nervous and awkward laughter.
The test with Mingi had strangely gone slightly better. Not that there had been more chemistry, but Mingi had an easier time letting San set the pace. He’d also been more reserved and later had admitted that he’d felt a little like he was cheating even though they had all agreed and even with both of the others there and within arms reach. They’d parted with a dissatisfied sigh and didn’t even meet Mingi’s eyes before the other boy got up to join Yunho who was seated nearby on the other couch.
She’d gone last and their kiss was the only one that held even a hint of passion and even then, it was disappointingly one-sided. Feeling her lips on his finally, something he had fantasized about for literal years, had, in fact, felt…hollow. She’d tasted sweet and her lips had been as soft as he had always imagined. Everything about her had been exactly as he had pictured, everything except that it totally lacked that spark of passion he always saw whenever she touched either of the other boys.
When they had pulled apart San had felt tears prickling at the back of his eyes. He’d been unable to hold back a sob as the disappointment and futility hit him. Burying his face in his hands he wept as he let go of the hope he’d had of finding a place with them. They had all comforted him and assured him that he always had a place in their lives. He was family, he just wasn’t meant to be a part of that. He’d let go of that hope that he might find that sense of belonging that he yearned for as a part of their little group.
Things eventually went back to normal and they mostly acted as if it had never happened and he settled for being the satellite; always there but a little separate. She was so grateful that he had found them. There was something real and warm in the way that he looked at them. They had all known, whether all of them were willing to admit it or not, that San had still held a candle for her. Not that he ever expected to take the place of the boys, more that you could almost see the question of what if that clung to him like a spiderweb. Alex had brushed that away and given San a sense of what it felt like to have something that wasn’t just a shadow or a dream but held all the warmth of a sunny summer day.
On the other side, she was sure San was exactly what they needed. He was loyal to a fault, supportive, encouraging, and could see the good in someone and make sure they saw it in themselves. Alex had become too accustomed to being a tolerated second-class citizen in their own life. They never met their father’s approval and their mother didn’t care terribly much about anything aside from her own current hobbies and passions. Her child was little more than a supporting character in her story.
It had taken so little time for Alex to bloom in the time they had spent with the group. Of course, San’s doting was a major contributor, but just having people who didn’t trivialize their likes, talents, opinions, and interests was really allowing them to stop constantly feeling on edge. It was wonderful to see and yet she worried that it would take no time for all of that to disappear when they were back home, alone with parents that didn’t even make a bare effort to understand them.
“Can you make me a promise?” San asked Alex as they sat together on the edge of the dock, dangling their feet in the cool water.
“Maybe,” Alex looked at him. “I think it depends on what it is.”
“Call me every day,” he said, taking their hand and squeezing it. “And if you can’t call me, at least send me a message so I know you are okay.”
“I won’t disappear on you, I promise,” they agreed. “Just promise me that you’ll let me know when you…I don’t know…get tired of me…promise me that you’ll tell me.”
“I won’t,” he narrowed his eyes at them. “I’m not going to get tired of you so I don’t need to make that promise.”
“Then promise to let me know if anything changes or even if you just can’t find the time,” they pressed.
“I promise to always talk about things with you,” he offered. “Whether I’m busy or stressed or sad, I promise to tell you.”
“I’ll take it,” they chuckled and nodded.
“Okay, good,” San nodded, turning to look out at the water again. “I miss you already and you are still here beside me.”
“I’ll miss you, too,” they said, leaning into his shoulder.
“We’ll work on getting you into the art program first,” he stated, feeling a little lump in his throat as he felt the seconds they had together ticking away.
“If it doesn’t work out, it's okay, you know,” they assured him.
“It will work out,” he promised. “Don’t worry. And, when you come, I’ll be there to show you the ropes.”
“I’m sure you know it like the back of your hand,” they chuckled.
“Probably better,” he sighed. “During finals week this year I had a marker stain from a project I was doing and I didn’t notice it for four days.”
“How on Earth do you know how long it was there before you noticed?” They asked with a laugh.
“Well there was only one place I could have gotten it,” he explained with a self-deprecating smile. “It a was special marker that I only used with my friend in the art department. I have to use mineral oil to get it off so I know when I had to have gotten it and exactly how long it took me to notice.”
“Distracted, were you?” They tried not to take too much joy in thinking of the face he must have made when he noticed and had to trudge back to get the things he needed to clean himself up. Even knowing him for the little time that they did, they knew he couldn’t have stopped himself from making a dramatic face and letting out a few choice words before sighing and going off to do what he needed to clean it.
“Finals were hard this year, especially given the weird situation we had over the midterms,” he nodded.
“What happened with midterms?” They asked.
“Remember the storm we had in mid-December?” He asked, turning a little to read their expression. They nodded and he continued, “It hit in the week before finals and between the cold and all the snow, a lot of services and the city shut down. Some students couldn’t get to campus over some of the days when finals were supposed to be. The power got cut to some of the dorms, including mine. The schedule was sort of chaos. Some people canceled finals altogether, but that meant that your grade basically depended on your final grade. I had two of those classes.”
“Oh,” Alex looked out at the lake with a serious look. “Did it turn out okay? Were your grades good enough?”
“Yeah, they were all A’s or B’s,” he informed her.
“That’s good,” they confirmed. “I guess your dad was at least proud of that.”
“He hasn’t asked,” San said stiffly.
“Oh,” they shifted, wishing they hadn’t said anything.
“Chipmunk and the boys took me out for dinner though,” San smoothed things over with a big smile. “She’s always proud of me and checks on me.”
“She really loves you,” they said, feeling a little jealous of her. Was she really his first choice making them a good enough second because he could never have her?
“She is the family that I’ve always…needed,” He admitted. “I found her when I needed her the most and I’m so grateful that she found a place in her heart and her life for me. She had everything she needed already and she found a space for me. I’m grateful.”
“Are you in love with her?” They hadn’t really meant to ask, but they couldn’t stop themselves.
“No, not really,” San was able to concede. “She took me in when I needed it the most and has been a comfort I was in desperate need of. That’s the sort of thing that’s easy to mistake for something it’s not.”
“What does that mean?” They pressed.
“Just that,” he paused and sighed. “When you feel like you’re really alone in the world, sometimes you cling on to anything that gives you that feeling of belonging.”
“Isn’t that what love is?” They questioned.
“Yeah, it is,” he chuckled. “It's love but it’s not what being in love is.”
“How do you know?” They had never been in love, they could admit that, but they had also never had that kind of acceptance from people in their life.
“I…” he cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “I told you I’ve kissed them before.”
“Oh, right,” they vaguely recalled him mentioning something off-hand the first day they’d met.
“It wasn’t enough,” he stated. “The affection I have for Chipmunk, it’s not the same, and it’s not enough.”
“Right,” they nodded. They weren’t sure they understood, but they trusted San.
“Anyway, that kiss won’t be the one I’ll be thinking of when I go back to school,” He said meaningfully as he reached up to touch their face.
“Oh?” They asked, eyes searching his.
“I’ll miss you,” he murmured.
“I miss you already,” they admitted softly.
“Me, too.” He smiled before he leaned in to touch his lips to theirs.
“Mingi,” her father called out as he came up behind the young man who was lifting one of the bags into the locking box on the roof of the van.
“Yes, sir?” He startled, fumbling the handle of the suitcase and nearly dropping it.
“Hey there,” her father chuckled, helping him lift it again, this time getting it into the right place. “Thanks for taking this out here. I was going to do it myself in a few minutes. You boys have been a real help this summer.”
“Oh, thank you, sir,” Mingi smiled and lifted his shoulders as he hugged himself happily. “It's been a great trip. I wanted to say thank you for letting us come along. I know this was supposed to be family time.”
“It was family time, kiddo,” he reached out and patted the younger man on his shoulder and gave him a fatherly smile. “You and Yunho are like members of the family at this point. Never expected to have so many sons but I can’t say I’m not happy for all four of them now.”
Mingi smiled and blinked at him, completely unsure what he was supposed to say. Her father had always been warmly tolerant of both he and Yunho. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been kind and welcoming, simply that he had been a little prickly, especially when it came to how much time his daughter spent with them.
“Anyway, come on,” Her father cleared his throat and gestured toward the cabin. “There’s still some stuff we have to do.”
“Yeah,” Mingi agreed quickly, both eager to please him and glad that he didn’t have to figure out something to say to that.
“Yunho, can you help me with something?” Her mother called from the kitchen as he passed by on his way to his next chore.
“Of course,” Yunho grinned brightly and made his way towards where she was standing, hands full of things she was using to make the last lunch they would all have before hitting the road home.
“I seem to be in need of three or four hands at the moment,” she joked with a sigh. “Can you hold this up while I pour?”
“Sure,” he nodded, putting his hands on the sides of the container to hold it upright.
“You’ve always been a helpful boy,” she chuckled. “Our daughter was lucky to find such good guys in you two.”
“She brings out the best in everyone around her,” he replied. “We’re lucky to have her…as a friend.” He added the last bit as it occurred to him how it might have sounded.
“Well now, I think you all are a little more than friends, now,” She concentrated on finishing what she was doing, feigning a lack of seriousness in what she was saying. “You guys have been around long enough, and you’re important enough to all of us to be family at this point.”
“Right, of course,” Yunho agreed, feeling his heart in his throat but trying to hold it down. For a moment he thought she had implied something else, something true but that she didn’t…shouldn’t know.
“I know you take good care of my daughter,” she told him, taking over the holding of the container and releasing him from his job now that she had said her piece. “If I didn’t think you would take good care of her, I would have objected to all of you being roommates when you went off to college. Having you both there helps me know that she’s safe.”
“We’d never let anything happen to her,” he promised.
“I know,” she flashed him a smile before looking back at what she was doing. “Anyway, thanks for the help, I think I have the rest. I know you have a few things left to do before we go.”
“Okay,” he stepped back and started to make his way out of the kitchen and towards what he had been about to do before. He looked back briefly before walking out the doorway, sure there was something, some undercurrent to the conversation that he hadn’t really understood. She didn’t look at him and simply worked on finishing the meal without looking at him, as if they hadn’t stopped to talk at all.
Maybe he was wrong, he told himself, as he walked off. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’s missed something.
“Alex,” She called, as she came near to the doc where they were sitting with San, watching the ripples on the water of the lake.
“Oh hey,” they greeted. Beside them San turned to offer her a bright smile. “Time to go already?”
“Almost,” She replied sadly as she came to stand behind the pair. “The packing is almost done but mom made some food for everyone. It's a couple of hours drive so a meal before we go is a good idea.”
“I guess this means it's time to say goodbye then,” they turned to San, feeling the lump grow in their throat.
“Come and have a bite with us,” she interrupted. “There’s enough for everyone and I know you and your folks will be leaving a few hours after us. But I’m glad they decided to stay the extra week here so that we all had more time with you.”
“You’re sure I won’t be in the way?” They asked, eager to go, but concerned about intruding.
“Nah, come on,” she smiled. “No need for farewells just yet.”
The pair stood up and followed her back to the cabin where everyone else had already gathered, piling their plates with the leftovers of the food. Her mother had told everyone to take what they wanted as she wasn’t planning on packing up any of the leftovers. San and Alex both grabbed plates and piled some of the various foods onto them. San mostly took sausages and potato salad, his two favorite things, while Alex grabbed pasta salad, pickles, mixed greens, and some chips. They grabbed those as they liked them well enough and it seemed to be what was mostly being left behind by everyone else.
San took a seat at the kitchen table for nearly the first and the last time in his visit to the cabin with the family. He pulled the seat next to him out and gestured to Alex, indicating to them that they should sit down beside him. They obliged, setting their plate on the table and taking the offered chair. San reached out and patted their leg as they sat down beside him.
“Is that enough,” he asked, looking at the lighter fare on their plate.
“Yeah, it will be fine,” they agreed, taking a bite of the food.
“Okay,” San nodded and shoveled a big bite into his mouth before putting his silverware down so that he could hold their hand as he slowly chewed the food. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of them. The time they had together now was fleeting and San wanted to drink in every moment he could with them. He wanted to remember how their hair stuck out a little at their brow line, that freckle they had below their left ear, and the way their shoulders hunched just a little less when they listened to the friendly chatter of the trio of friends that were the whole reason they had met at all. He was so lucky to have them all in his life.
After they left, he promised himself, he would remember to thank Chipmunk again. She always seemed to be improving his life without ever realizing that she was. He owed her so much more than he could have ever hoped for. He definitely owed her more than he would ever be able to repay.
“What’s that serious look you have there,” they asked him, having been watching his face since they sat down beside him.
“Just thinking about how lucky I happen to be,” He gave them an enigmatic smile and reached out to run a thumb over the line of their high cheekbone.
“It’s easy to forget the good things we have sometimes,” they agreed before taking another bite.
“And sometimes so many good things happen all at once, you can’t help but feel like you’ve been hit in the face with it all,” San laughed, casting a glance at the people he now called family.
“That sounds… painful,” they finally settled on the word after a second or two of searching for it.
“You know,” he admitted with a scoff. “It kind of is.”
Alex reached out and took his hand. They leaned in to give his cheek a light kiss. It was meant to be nothing more than a gentle reassurance, but San caught them, cupping their face as he pressed his forehead against them.
“I won’t let this be goodbye,” he promised.
“I believe you,” they nodded against him.
She sat in the back corner of the large van in the seat behind Yunho. Much as she would have loved to sit between her two boys, she and Jacob were the only ones who could fit in the seat behind them comfortably. So rather than wedging herself in between her two favorite people, she had been banished to the back corner. It was for the best, she laughed to herself. She didn’t need that sort of temptation while she was around her family.
The van rocked as first Jacob, then San climbed in to join her in the back seat. Jacob settled into his seat and pulled out his switch and headphones, happily absorbing himself back into the game he had been playing earlier in the day. San settled down in between them in the middle spot of the long connected bench seat at the back. He clicked the seatbelt over his hips and then turned to gaze out the window at Alex who was still standing off to the side, waiting and watching them leave.
He couldn’t help it, his eyes locked on them, watching and continuing to take them in as long as he could. They looked pretty and sad and resigned as they stood there. He wanted to get out and grab them, take them in his arms and hold them there. It was so unfair that he had to leave them alone with their parents. The van doors closed in a series of dull thuds and still, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from them.
The engine roared to life and half a moment later gravel crunched under the wheels as the van started to pull away. Alex waved and stepped into the driveway to watch them for as long as possible as it slowly pulled away. San turned in his seat and kept his eyes on them as they slowly got smaller and then finally disappeared as they turned down the first kink in the road home. Even after they were no longer in view, he kept himself turned, as if sheer will would keep her in view.
He finally gave up when they hit the main road and the sound of the wheels quieted to a scraping buzz as they gripped the asphalt road. A hand moved to hold his, offering a comforting squeeze and a warm confidence as it gripped his. She didn’t say anything, and there was nothing she could have said to make him feel any better. San could feel the churning pain twisting his heart as he thought about going back home and going back to school…being alone again.
This summer break had been a sort of double-edged sword for him. He felt closer to Chipmunk, the boys, and even her father and mother than he had to anyone in a while. They were his people, they were his family. He had gained a sense of belonging and being wanted he hadn’t quite known he was missing. This was the time in his life he was supposed to be gaining independence and self-reliance, he was feeling more reliant on the people around him right now than he could remember.
“It’s not fair,” he muttered to himself, lacing his fingers with hers as he let his head lul forward.
“Hmm?” She asked from beside him.
“Does it ever get easier,” he asked quietly, leaning closer to keep others from hearing.
“What?” She pressed, listening but averting her gaze to give him space.
“Being in love,” he barely managed to hiss out past the tightness in his chest.
“Never,” she admitted with a quiet but harsh laugh. “But it does get better. It somehow seems to always get better.”
“Okay,” was all he could manage. Her hand came up to cradle the back of his head to encourage him to rest his head on his shoulder. San gave up and let the longing and loneliness rise and flow out of him as she gently soothed him. A quiet, warm tear escaped his eye and seeped into the cotton of her shirt where he rested his head on her shoulder. It would be okay, her gentle touch assured him, but it was also okay to hurt when it felt so painful to say farewell.
