i wonder sometimes whether i even believe, fundamentally, that i'm worth taking the time to focus on and help heal. i don't think i do believe it, actually. because it's always easier for me to focus on other people. for me to have /everything/ focused on other people, as if they're the only ones that matter. as if things being Perfect with them (note: this perfection does not actually and can never actually exist) will automatically heal me and i'll be freed from everything. and /that/ is what drives me a lot of the time. that's the thing in my head, turning the wheels of fear, of reaction, of anger.
i try to think of myself and i panic, because i fear losing the chance for that non-existent perfection. i fear letting go of it because i guess, if i try to, if i do, that means i have to live with myself. and i really try to do anything to avoid that, in all honestly.
my self-hate, my contempt for myself and my history and every single thing about my being, runs so deep that i would rather fixate on other people and try to merge with them - causing myself intense pain in the process because it's not healthy and it's not even possible.
everything scares me. or rather i'm afraid of the possibility of everything hurting me. things i react to, things that hurt me, are rarely the things that are being said or done in that moment. it's how something could possibly hurt me in the future. it's about how something /has/ hurt me in the past.
and i'm exhausted, and i hate it, but i can't just shut it off. i've been able to some extent to tone it down in the past year and some months, but then bad days happen (and pms happens lol) and it's a landslide all over again.
and ultimately, i don't think i believe that it's worth trying to stop. because i'm not worth saving. because i'm too terrified of the unfamiliar. because at least staying here i know what i have to deal with. if i move towards the fear and try to meet it anyway, try to stop the unhealthy thought cycles and daily life cycles, i don't know what will happen.
what if it hurts. what if it hurts more than it already does. what if i lose everything i want to keep, what if i lose the people that matter. what if, etc. etc. etc.
and probably, scariest of them all, what if i /could/ survive without the maladaptive coping mechanisms. what if it could be better than this.
