I lasted approximately 9 months in the bible belt. I made plans for my hasty exit after about 3 months. WKU's campus in beautiful Bowling Green, Kentucky was like stepping into a history book. And as a woman, history books are never a place you want to visit. Sci-fi, maybe. Fiction, definitely. History, not so kind to the ladies. To be fair, the religious "culture" is not the only reason I needed to leave. But it solidified my step away from my already wavering Catholic faith.
Although my mother was kind enough to pull me from private school at the youngest stage possible compared to my siblings (I only attended private Kindergarten, half day-you don't even wear a uniform then!), I was still enrolled in CCD classes. To this day, I'm not certain what the acronym stands for, and I don't care enough to Google it. For the record, I fulfilled the traditional Catholic sacraments from Baptism to Confirmation. My understanding at this point is so long as I ask for forgiveness, I'm solid; heaven-bound regardless of my intent, my actions, my anything. But that wasn't enough for me.
My freshmen year of high school, our English classes had to prepare poems and short stories for a grade. A collection of the "best" ones were printed as a party favor for parents that showed up to Parent Night. I wasn't aware two of mine were printed. One was titled, "How do They Know?". I basically questioned gods, heaven, hell, the whole shebang. My devout father was not pleased. At all. I felt bad for publicly disappointing him, but not bad enough to apologize or to stop pointing out my disgust with the church. I was particularly disturbed by the political propaganda that littered the church parking lot during the Bush campaign. I remember looking at the ground and thinking, "Why the hell is this here? We're supposed to be at church." The entire mass was a fucking political campaign commercial sprinkled with Catholic guilt. This was also about the same time the church was forced to sell local properties to pay off sexual assault settlements. Neat. Nothing screams moral high-ground for political gain like child sexual assault and cover-up. Unfortunately, since I was still a minor, my parents had us attend mass every Sunday regardless how we felt about it.
I lost all of my respect for the church during those back to back scandals but mentally cut all ties when an entire mass was turned into a fundraiser, on top of the newly implemented contracted "giving" campaign (think watered down Scientology contract). We were forced to sit through a video and discussion on how badly 16 and 17 year olds from the private school needed money to go abroad and convert some heathens. I don't think they used that word, but it was implied. A lot. At 16 I recall wondering why in the hell would American teenagers with zero life experience think they know better than grown men and women in another country and why in the hell is the school pushing to fund this nonsense?! The students wrote papers on it and the best one read her ENTIRE piece to us. At mass. It was poorly written, unpersuasive, extremely pretentious and missed the mark completely on cultural nuances. (Side note, did you know public school teachers in Kentucky are required to obtain a master’s degree but private school teachers are not? I learned this fun fact when I asked my mother why the the student's paper we were forced to listen to was so atrocious.)
Since graduating high school and no longer having the requirement to attend mass, I stopped going except in the case of weddings and funerals. Mass, though, is like riding a bike; once you step back into that church, your body automatically sits, stands, and says the right response at the right times. I still freak my husband out with this fun party trick!
I've been asked numerous times by friends and families to join their church or find their religion. Everyone means well, but it's not a matter of branding. I just don't need the religion. Period. I don't need the extra guilt. I don't need the book as my guide. I don't need a priest or pastor telling me I'm on the wrong path. I find no comfort or healing or fixes from prayer. I know the difference between being "good" and being "bad". I was raised right by my parents, I have a great support system, I read, I research and I give back to my community. I don't use my lack of religion as a weapon politically, morally, or ethically. I respect others and choose not to judge someone lest I be judged or whatever...but mostly because I'm not the gatekeeper to shit.
One of the definitions of heathen is "an unenlightened person; a person regarded as lacking culture or moral principles". I find this definition interesting as I often find religious zealots to lack both culture and moral principles in their uncompromising religious beliefs. I'm not a heathen because I don't have religion. I would argue I'm more accepting of other's cultural and moral experiences because I don't have to fight a religion voice in my head telling me to ignore someone else's experience. So, rather than try to convert me or tell me you'll pray for my soul, consider that secular or atheist individuals are simply indifferent to answering to a higher power and instead answer to themselves and those they care about.
There are many ways to traverse this life, and they can all be right.
