I need to find out who I really am. I need to figure out exactly who I want to be. I don’t want to be nasty about anything just for the sake of it or for selfish reasons ever again because everybody makes mistakes. I want to learn more about and have a genuine opinion on politics and things that actually matter. I want to travel to places that enrich my life with healthy doses of happiness and musical opportunities. I want to learn to act sufficiently and in order to do this, I need to learn how to let go of myself and be free on stage while performing. I need to do something like outward bound to help guide my mindset. I don’t want to be famous or anything, I just want to be apart of something that makes me feel like I am living and contributing a bit of my own zest into the world. I want to make genuine friendships with people that are in love with life and don’t care about the things that don’t matter, that don’t enrich them. I want them to be based on mutual love and respect, and not convenience or circumstance. I want to figure out what makes me, me. I want to stop being so sporadic in that I want to stop talking about myself and my problems so much, I want to make other people feel good about themselves and the things they are achieving without having to unload my own baggage onto them. I want to travel somewhere and everywhere where there are people who have nothing so I appreciate what I do have; a loving and supportive family, a love for music which I haven’t been able to indulge in this year, a functioning body and brain, a life. I want to become the best person I can be and I don’t want to be “run off” bits of anybody else. I want to be honest with myself and everybody around me, I want to do good for the world and I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to learn how to sit still and stop moving for a while. I never want to feel stressed or burdened with anything ever again because I am only here once, and for a short time so I may as well live my life to the absolute fullest and take risks at every turn. I am going to master the art of guitar so that I can sing along and make music that actually means something. I want to feel like a person that has something to write about. I want to give myself time to become immersed in things. I want to have favourite bands that I stick to my walls because they mean something to ME. I want my own style, I want to learn how to paint. I want to get tattoos that embody and channel ME. I want to start looking after my body and my mind and my heart. I want to stop being afraid of getting work experience and just DO it. I want to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone because I know that’s the only way I am going to change for the better. I hope I meet people in the future with the same ideals and goals. I don’t want to be a fly on the wall and I don’t want to be just another cakey, semi-good looking, semi-talented, semi-well known promiscuous white girl from Wellington. I want to make myself proud by achieving things that make me, AND others feel incredible. I want to stop basing the majority of my self worth on whether or not I do well at university and which boys like me or don’t like me (I never admit this to myself, but I have a hard time being alone). I want to stop worrying that I don’t have many likeminded friends, I know that once I accept who I am and start working towards the person that I want to be, I am going to find my people. I want to learn how to be alone, and love it. I want to go to counselling, let go of every single tiny thought in my head and hope that but by bit, I start to piece together the person that deep down, I’ve always known I can be. I want to let go of everything stressful and negative in my life, I want to accept who I was as a child and my circumstances growing up, the things that happened to me, and I want to be completely, and unapologetically, me.
22/10/16, 2:47am, step by step ❤️