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Zico Chain - Case #44PQ_110807

Zico Chain - Evasion

About one year after having moved to a new city, and given the luxury of a pretty much clean start among new people, I'd figured out my approach to all of this wasn't exactly doing me any favours: Fucking things up deliberately just to make sure nothing went wrong by accident, holing myself up or forcing myself to do shit I felt I needed to but never got to enjoy, or just very caustically so holding on to old habits or beliefs, almost elevated to superstitions (but in the fact probably just rationales for my mishappenings, or worse, actual superstitions, barely disguised) - I was fucking miserable. Some of the shit I'd learned at university (Bourdieu moreso than anything) also tipped me off that I was carrying around some major unhealthy baggage, but that was moreso as to the implications of the stuff that was bugging me, as, for the most part, I just felt that I was trapped on a chess board, with the inability to justify a step in ANY direction, and thus simply paralyzed (and pissed off by that fact).

So yeah, shit wasn't working out. During the summer break, I was back in my hometown, and during a chance party, an old colleague of mine, drunk as shit, suddenly talked to me about super personal stuff. It felt super weird to be let in on all these things by somebody I was never too close with, but it was also extremely pleasant to be considered and asked as a person, not as an expert on some subject, or due to being opiniated or "smart". During the walk home from that party, I pretty much decided that I'd need to allow myself to just be human once in a while, lose the fear of making mistakes and/or being punished for it, and for fuck's sake, refresh my concepts of "giving in" to those applicable for somebody in their mid 20s. I read a lot of Scott Pilgrim during those days, too, and I also listened to this album a ton, which was newly out and which I'd discovered by chance (I was familiar with the band, but just happened to stumble upon it in the "new releases"-section). I loved the whole album minus one song, but this was clearly my favorite; most due to the perfect chorus. (I also wrote a track during that time which was probably pretty influenced by the whole shouty vocals/guitar interplay aspect of the track, and which included the - if I dare say so myself - extremely appropriate lyrics of "you think you know me, but we’ve only met / and as a highly functional mess / I've made it a point to let nobody in / on these demons of mine and the shame they bring". I suppose I've come quite a long way ever since.)

By fall, I'd managed to re-adjust my approach to things enough to make some awesome new friends. Maybe we would've become friends either way, but I sure am glad I had at least some of that shit figured out by the time I first met them.

#zico chain #the devil in your heart #evasion #personal