Entry #4
I'M' FeelinG VerY TireD. MorE TireD ThaN I UsuallY FeeL...
In fact, I'm too tired to even bother with my quirk right now. My eyes are sore and no matter how hard I try to sleep, I just can't. I can't even seem to focus enough on keeping my eyes shut. I've just been staring up at the ceiling for the past few hours. I wonder if I even blinked once during that time.
So, in an attempt to distract my mind from its thoughts, I've decided to update my journal. Currently Lairen is asleep and I don't feel as if I have enough drive to work on any mech designs. I'm too tired to even go for a swim. My mind just keeps flashing back to a few nights ago.
My custodian hadn't returned to greet me when the sun had set, which was very odd. I sat outside waiting but after some time I decided I needed to search for him. It isn't odd for him to get injured somehow while he's out swimming, so I figured perhaps he had gotten stuck on something. It wasn't very long before I did finally come across him by the river.
It looked like... like someone had just torn through his neck. He was covered in blood. I don't like remembering and I don't like imagining what could have possibly caused this or what fear my lusus must have been feeling at the moment but... I can't stop! My mind won't stop imagining all of the possible scenarios! It's torturous, this mind of mine. I want it to stop, I just want, for once, to be able to not think about anything. I want my mind to be silent but it just never is. And that's why I'm having such a hard time trying to sleep. No matter how exhausted I get, no matter how much I tire myself out, my mind seems to have no limit. I can't rest until my body simply collapses. It's so difficult for me to cope with. I'm so unsure of what to do.
At least I have Lairen here with me. He and I are moirails now, and it's the one positive thing to come out of this entire endeavor. I can't remember how long ago it was when I realized I felt such a protectiveness for him, but I do know it's been a very long time. I would have never realized he felt the same. Or perhaps, it was just spontaneous due to the events as of late. Either way, it's a huge relief to know I have him as my moirail. He's always been able to bring out the best in me and to help ease my anxiety greatly. I hope that our moiraillegiance lasts, although I can't really foresee any situations that might cause us to separate.
Well... I guess those are pretty much the most important things that have occurred in the last few nights. I don't really want to go into anymore detail on my custodian...
So I am going to continue to try and sleep some more, although I doubt it will work. When was the last time I slept? I'm so very tired.