taia 'n' peaches

just a place for me to vent my thoughts

[mohtz]

to be small even just for a while

[taianpeaches]

is it better to let people know how you truly feel about their decisions? is it worth the energy and awkwardness it takes? of course i’m aware that hiding your feelings all the time won’t help in creating true connections, but sometimes i’d rather keep my thoughts inside my head than to take the risk of sharing them. because who knows, maybe after a few hours or days i’ll feel totally different about the whole thing. maybe my perception of the situation is wrong because i can’t see the whole picture. maybe i’d cause more damage than good... i could hurt them or myself if i share. but the truth is, it really bothers me right now, to the point where i might say, it hurts. i wish people could prioritize me like how i prioritize them. perhaps the fact that i can’t even share how i’m feeling with the people who are the closest to me is a bad sign.

these negative feelings may be connected with my recent realization of how few friends i can still regularly meet with or can reach out to anytime. for a while, i used to not be bothered to have to do things by myself, but once this became the default option, it started to trouble me. connecting with new people and maintaining old connections just takes a lot of energy for me, and it’s becoming harder and harder to do so. do i have to change my approach and perspective? perhaps i shouldn’t care so much about how to approach people, what they think of me, how i should talk/act... i hate feeling like i have to adjust myself in order to be a better fit for people. but if i don’t do so, i can’t help but think that most people won’t really be interested/like me. at the same time, i don’t wanna just wait for the right person to come by, that may very well never happen.

i just wish there was an easier route, someone who could tell me the right path to take, or at the very least, an indicator of whether what i’m doing is wrong.

[taianpeaches]

god, life fucking sucks sometimes.

just had to drop this somewhere, sorry.

[blackpyrefly]

today im thinking about the huge buff bread guy from kikis delivery service. highly underrated guy

[uzmashroom]

Genuinely just a good man. Wife adopts teenage witch that needs a place to stay in the city? Sure. Even though you got a kid on the way? That’s fine. Cat too? Love cats. 

[furrama]

My favorite moment with him is when he goes to get some prepped baking sheets and he does this fancy twirl with them in front of Jiji. Like, there’s no other people in the room, he does this to impress a cat.

I don’t think he ever says more than a whole word the entire movie, and I still love him more than most Disney princes based on this one moment alone.

[fujiwaradivebar]

And the part where he wanted to surprise Kiki by making that beautiful elaborate sign OUT OF BREAD to advertise her business and he was all anxious for her to get home and see it

But then when he sees her coming he gets all bashful and runs away 😭

[judas-jpg]

the most underrated thing about the ghibli movies is how deeply they are love stories to working people, to the small folk, to moments of love and kindness. its not just about magic, many movies are about magic and fairytales. Its not only about the people in the stories, but about stories in the people. And they are just loveable.

[metamorphesque]

[nobrashfestivity]

Imai Hisamaro This sun (1930) (cover) (Kono taiyō) colour offset lithograph 26.3 x 19.0 cm (image and sheet) National Gallery of Victoria, Melbourne

[synqra]

Liu Wen ph by Leslie Zhang

[taianpeaches]

not gonna lie, but i’m feeling really conflicted right now. finding out one thing probably wouldn’t have swayed me too much, but three... three is looking a bit rough. it’s hard to know whether to bring it up or not since other people would very likely not care about it. maybe even you wouldn’t think too much of it or feel like i’m making a big deal out of something insignificant. but then again, if it’s something that genuinely concerns me or affects me... perhaps it’s worth mentioning it.

it’s so hard. we had a really great day and i don’t wanna ruin it with this, but i can’t get it out of my head. it’s so easy for me right now to think about how this could lead to one thing, and another thing, and another. our differences of beliefs and world views have been both a blessing and a curse. we’ve usually found compromises and have met each other at halfway points but maybe one day you’ll begin to question my strictness and firm resolution on my beliefs. and i’ll wonder whether i’m starting to gradually trade-off values and settle for things i wouldn’t have in the beginning.

i don’t know. i’m sorry if i’m freaking out a little. but this really concerns me. and i’m sorry for venting here, i didn’t know what to do with so much overthinking and anguish.

[silver-frog]

Je crois que je m’égare en réflexions.

[weltenwellen]

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke, 1892-1910

[weltenwellen]

Rebecca Solnit, Hope In The Dark

[seu-bobo-da-corte]

[weltenwellen]

Fernando Pessoa, A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe: Selected Poems

[taianpeaches]

02/01/2021

made myself some elderflower lemon tea and now im here to say that i feel like garbage. absolute garbage.

im only taking three classes but i have no power to face this semester. maybe i burned all the leftover energy for college i had last semester. now i wake up every day exhausted, i struggle getting out of bed, i have no interest in any of my classes, i force myself to cook something so i can eat, i stare blankly at my phone for hours, and i go to bed wide awake. 

(i am listening to some good-feel songs and honestly its hard to concentrate on what im writing, but i also dont wanna listen to anything sad and feel worse)

my mind is filled with negative and self destructive thoughts and that upsets me to the uttermost because i know ill think of myself as silly after this shitwreck of emotions is over and will wonder why i am so dramatic.

i am so tired of myself, so angry at myself, so ready for it to be over. i look behind me and start questioning why i havent grown out of this, because i know better. i thought all that i went through, all the advice, support, and love that i’ve received were going to make me a better, stronger person, but i have never felt so weak before, so vulnerable, so broken.

somebody please tell me what is wrong with me. why the emotions i felt as a 13 year old stayed with the 15 year old, the 17 year old, and now the 22 year old. when am i going to stop carrying this heavy heart. 

[ophanic]

phantom thread (2017) 

[butterflypeaflowertea]

i hope this email finds you flat on your back. helpless, tender, open with only me to help

[frogndtoad]

that night, frog and toad were both happy