Take Your Memories

[takeyourmemories]

Please don't leave me

May 10, 2017 0237 Tonight as I sit here awake all I can think about is how my mom and step father are moving to the middle of the country. They are leaving my family behind to be with his and I am heartbroken. I don't want them to leave but I can't keep them here. I'd do anything to keep them here. But how can I be selfish when he's been away from his family for almost 20 years. I can't. I am just going to miss my mom so much. It break my heart into pieces. We are going to be 16 hours away instead of 20 minutes. I would give anything for her to stay here. I just wish I could go but it's not stable enough and I can't live with them because of their habits. I am so torn. My kids are going to miss them so much. I know they will it all really breaks my heart. I AM HEART BROKEN! This last month I actually have my mom here I just want her to be attached to my hip. If there was a way I didn't have to do anything but be at her side I would do it. I love her so much and this kills me. I have to be strong for my children and that is so hard. I am almost 30 years old and I feel abandoned. This is ridiculous. People do this all the time, why is it so hard for me? I know they are going to be well takin care of and if I have to I will bring them back here. I just really hate this and I know she will probably be happier out there but I am so selfish. I am always giving myself pep talks but it doesn't always work. I break down in tears all the time. I blame myself for them leaving but that's an inner fight. Maybe I waa asnr a good enough daughter. Maybe I didn't do enough bit seriouslybi tried so hard, it's just overwhelming. I work full time, I have two children and I go to school almost full time. We just moved and are down car. I know it's not my fault she's leaving but I'm really good at blaming myself. SHE IS MY MOM. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE ONLY MY MOM. I will forever cherish her and I am going to do my best to go and see her. I am going to build my credit up just to see her. I will always love you mom whether your here or 16 hours away.

[takeyourmemories]

Songs of the moment

March 11, 2017

--And I will sallow my pride, your the one that I love, now Im saying goodbye.

---------she finally drank her pain away a little at a time but she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind  (he will always have a large part of my heart)

------------------------There is no way to disguise, we will never make it. Should I hold on to what we got, will we never make it. 

</3 </3 Hes getting over someone too, kinda like me and you. He talks about her every once in a while, and I just nod my head an' smile, because I know exactly what he’s going through, I've been there too. When the conversation turns to you, I get caught in a "you were the only one for me", Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see. I know I can't go back when I still go back.

--IM THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS IVE LEFT UNSAID. STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CANT CHANGE.  IN MY HEART I KNOW YOUR GONE BUT IN MY HEAD YOUR THE ONLY ONE FOR ME.

--->--->--((O)) 

If I could ever feel the way I felt I'll take a chance with someone else And if my heart takes chances too Someday I might get over you

</3------</3 I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control.

 --- LET ME LET GO! you put us behind no matter how hard I try I cant do the same. I tired to find the bright side baby but everywhere I look your all I see.  

[takeyourmemories]

Edge of a mental breakdown

March 11, 2017

00:10

Ive been so bad at updating this blog but things have been so busy.  I am enrolled in college fulltime now.  I work fulltime and I am a mommy.  My husband and I are still together.  we made it through marriage counseling.  I was suppose to follow up with the therapist and I have tons of excuses why havent.  My husband and I have our good and bad days.  More good than bad though we both have so much to work on.  My mom is officially moving really soon.  Its killing me inside.  Shes leaving the state and it really hurts.  Shes been my rock and now shes gone.  I know I can call her but its not the same PLUS what am I suppose to tell my kids.  Its like she is abandoning them.  Shes moving to the middle of the country on her own free will.  Its really sad for me.  I love her so much and shes just leaving.  Lately I have been much more distant from her probably because I know shes leaving and it hurts so much and I dont want to be more destroyed after she leaves.  She wants us to go with her but I just cant.  We would be going out there without jobs and a place to stay and we cant stay with them.  I need to be smart for my family.  I need to do whats best for my family.  I cant control her choices and I cant make her stay.  I will miss her so dearly.  My brother is finally went back to rehab and was in a half way house but now he’s living with someone else about 3 hours away.  I miss him also but he needs to do whats best for him.  I really feel more and more alone in this world and its really really hard.  I do my best to keep my confidence for my kids and stay positive for them but in my head I just want to have a mental breakdown and crawl into a hole and Never ever come out!  On the upside we are going to be buying two cars real soon and we are looking for an apartment.  I cant wait to move.  I just want out of this apartment we live in.  These are all positive things which are very good for myself and my husband.  

[takeyourmemories]

Its all a show.

January 15, 2017

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So we came home this morning and of course he got totally drunk the night before.  I knew that was going to happen, no surprise there.  I figured out why he opened his own back account and the reasoning is he thinks I'm bad with money and he's worried about me leaving.  First off I'm not bad with money I just don't make enough of it and like I said in the last post I am the only one paying bills.  Next he should be worried about us leaving and he should save his money because honestly I am leaving.  I cant live like this.  He wont stop drinking and I don't trust him.  That's enough of a reason to leave also because I AM NOT HAPPY.  I want to be happy in the worst way (it doesn't matter if its with him or not) and I want to feel loved more than ever and even when him and I split I have a lot to work on before I end up with someone else. I am a mess.  I am depressed and sad.  I've gained so much weight because I don't want to do anything.  Its all a mess and I need to straighten myself out!  I really need to move on with my life.  Without a doubt.  He’s never going to be the one for me again.  I don't think ill ever love him the way I did. It all makes me sad but at the end of the day I need to do what is best for me and the kids.  They love him but how can I teach them to be happy and follow their dreams if IM not happy.  I need to lead by example and honestly I don't want our daughter growing up with a husband like I have and I want Gavin to find a girl who wont put up with his bullshit and to care about him the way I use to care about my husband before we fell apart.

[takeyourmemories]

Here we go again.

January 14, 2017

I'm sitting here in my husbands living room with my children in the room sleeping.  Hopefully they are having sweet dreams and not nightmares of the bad things that I try my hardest to shield them from.  My husband and I are really rocky still.  Some days are better than others but last night was proof that he comes before our marriage.  I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but yesterday he opened his own bank account when Ive been suggesting for weeks we open one together.  I am the bread winner (so to speak) in our family and he has a part time job.  He doesn't help me with the bills or anything.  I wanted him to save money for a car because we desperately need one and he has been saving but honestly I think he’s saving that money incase I decide to leave which is smart on his end.  I am deeply upset however that he doesn't think our money is our and he only thinks his money is his.  It all makes me really sad because I really feel this is the end of the road.  We have counseling on Monday and I think I need to really step and be honest that I want this to be over.  It just scares the crap out of me because I am going to have figure out how to handle everything WITHOUT losing my job. I might just have to go part time and go full time working with my mom until I have babysitting available for me which could be months.  I need to find a place that takes pet also because there is no way I am leaving my puppy with him.  Also, what really irritated me is that he decided he needed to drink last night.  I was already upset with him and expressed that I didn't want him to drink and he didn't care he started popping those beers.  I think I'm going to tell him on Monday that its over.  I just really need to move on from all of this.  I need to make myself better.  Our therapist told me last session that I am in charge of my own life and I cant control him and this is really, really true and I never thought of it this way because I feel I lost a lot of control of my life sometime in this relationship.  I need my life back and its time to start planning my leave from this life.  Good thing I will be coming into a bunch of money before I know it to help me a long.  I just want what's best of my children and myself.  I really just hope my kids father will want to remain in their lives after its all over at least I Know his family will!

YOU DONT CONTROL ME, I CONTROL MY OWN LIFE

I CANT CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS BUT WHAT I CAN CONTROL IS HOW I REACT TO YOUR ACTIONS.

I REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE AND FIGHT AROUND OUR CHILDREN ANYMORE AND I REFUSE TO BE AROUND YOU WHEN YOU DRINK.

I REFUSE TO BE UNHAPPY. ITS TIME I WORRY ABOUT MYSELF AND MOVE ON FROM THIS MISERY. 

IS IT FEBRUARY YET?

[takeyourmemories]

Better Man

January 4, 2017

This song makes me think about my husband.  Though we are still together I just wish he was a better man so I can love him the way I want to.  We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and we don't make love.  Its really not a relationship.  I just wish he was a better man so it could be.

Little Big Town

I know I’m probably better off on my own Than lovin' a man who didn’t know What he had when he had it And I see the permanent damage you did to me Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic I wish it wasn’t four am, standing in the mirror Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know The bravest thing I ever did was run Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man And I know why we had to say goodbye Like the back of my hand And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man A better man I know I’m probably better off all alone Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute And it’s always on your terms I’m hanging on every careless word Hoping it might turn sweet again Like it was in the beginning But your jealousy, I can hear it now You’re talking down to me like I’ll always be around You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun Boy, you never thought I’d run Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man And I know why we had to say goodbye Like the back of my hand And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man A better man Better man I hold onto this pride because these days it’s all I have And I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that You can’t say that I wish you were a better man I wonder what we would’ve become If you were a better man We might still be in love If you were a better man You would’ve been the one If you were a better man Yeah, yeah Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man And I know why we had to say goodbye Like the back of my hand And I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man We might still be in love, if you were a better man Better man

[takeyourmemories]

Holidays are over

January 3, 2017

I'm done with the count down because my kids broke my laptop and I haven't been able to blog.  So Christmas eve was good except of course when we were done with all the houses.  I feel I had to babysit my husband which just drives me crazy.  Then New Years eve I worked (Thank god) because of course my husband drank.  I found an almost empty bottle of Fireball whiskey under the sink when I was clean before the new years and then I found out he bought two small bottles of Honey whiskey and Jonny Walker blue for New Years PLUS Beer.  I was really truly upset but he didn't drink all the liquor or the beer so I was impressed, but now that I think about it I'm sure there was plenty of booze at the party he went to.  Then like a dumb ass I believe he’s controlling his booze and we went to wegmans and he bought a 6 pk and I bought one.  Well tonight he drank way to much tho he swears he didn't and he swore he wasn't drunk tonight but I know he was.  I'm so annoyed with everything and want this to be over.  He’s a liar and a manipulator and an addict.  We had to reschedule marriage counseling because I had to work but honestly I cant wait until  marriage counseling on Monday because that's when I'm going to tell him I'm done.  I'm done with the lies and hurtful words and I'm tired of the way he treats my kids.  Tonight he wouldn't let our five year old lay with him because I'm pissed at him.  Well that's fucked up.  The poor kids are going to be so fucked up.  I want to start them on counseling because their father is a jerk.  I'm tired of fighting in front of the kids and in general.  I just am done,  I wrote a whole list as to why I'm done with him and here it is::

1.Im not happy with him 2. I don't trust him 3. I'm scared of him and his temper. 4. I feel he will never love me 5. I feel we are more like roommates and better off as friends 6. I feel we will never see past the past 7. I feel we both want different things in life and we are in different stages of our lives. 8. I don't feel respected 9. I feel you only care about yourself  10. Fighting around the kids is ruining our children 11. He is afraid of you and She  feels neglected.  12. I feel I have fallin out of love. 13.  I feel you will never try to make things better because your addiction and selfishness.  14.  You have excuses for everything

this is such a long list and if this was someone else writing this I would tell them to leave this person.  I need to follow my own advice.  

[takeyourmemories]

Day 23

December 18, 2016

0207

So things of course are not good. We got into a huge fight on the 16th and he threw something at me which did hit me.  I don’t understand how he thinks its okay.  I am so emotionally a mess because of him.  He says he loves me, I dont believe him.  I dont want to be with him.  Currently I am just trying to keep the peace until christmas is over which is in a week.  He thinks Im crazy but honestly I just want to be loved, wanted, respected and cared for.  I dont ask much in a husband but maybe I do either way Im not changing my expectations.  Tonight we were laying next to eachother and I just had to get up and move.  He hurt me so badly (mental) that I dont want to lay next to him.  It makes me so sad because this is not what I want.  I want to be happy and to make someone happy.  We havent had sex in over a month because I cant bring myself to be any kind of sexual with him.  I just want to live my life without him at this point I just hope we can find a better way.  We go to counselling again on Monday which I hope goes well but I know I need to keep my mouth shut until Christmas is over because I dont ever want my kids to associate holidays with something bad. After my grandparents passed away and my mom remarried she and my stepfather would fight every single holiday like clock work.  We never had a smooth holiday and I dont want that for my kids.  I want the holidays to be fun and filled with Joy.  I know divorcing my husband is going to be really hard for my kids but I cant live like this. They will always have a father but I dont need a husband I need someone who loves me and I want my kids to see that as they get older.  I need to set a good example for them.

[takeyourmemories]

Day Nineteen

December 14, 2017

00:14

Today went well not the worst and not the best so Ill take it.  I wish he would give up his video games or at least play them when the kids are in bed.  I also wish he would listen to me and I don’t mean follow direction I mean just hear what I am saying. He never hears me or the kids it makes me sad when they are trying to get his attention and he doesn't pay any attention to him.  He loves them dearly but I don’t think fatherhood is his thing.  I don’t think being a husband is his thing.  I really think he needs to be in a relationship without any responsibilities except taking care of himself.  We did all watch Elf together well kind of we ate then he sat on his phone and the kids ran around.  I guess its better than him playing video games.  I really wish I loved him but everything he does annoys me.  I just wish he’d be more active and want to do more things.  I wish we had more things in common and these days we have nothing in common and he makes excuses as to why we don’t do anything. I really wish I had friends to talk to and to do things with.  Its really sad that I have no one except my mom and stepsister (who is states away)  I just want a life because with my husband I dont have one. 

[takeyourmemories]

I really cant do this anymore, I don’t love him anymore.  There is nothing there.  He will always be the father of my children and hes a great father just not the right husband for me.  He doesn’t love me anymore (you can tell) and I don’t love him anymore.  Something has to give.

[takeyourmemories]

You were my first love. You were my everything. I haven’t found anyone who has made me feel the way I did when I was with you.  You completed me. We fit together perfectly.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love you and thank you for being the one guy I will compare every guy too.  It brings tears to my eyes because we ended up growing apart but I really wish I could thank you for giving me expectations of others. I will forever love you! 

[takeyourmemories]

Day Seventeen

December 12 

0323

I haven’t been able to write because I was hospitalized.  During the hospitalization my husband came twice and he brought my puppy (who isnt really a puppy anymore).  Since Ive been home I havent been able to rest because he thinks he needed a break because of all the running around and hours he had to work.  It makes me so upset because hes very selfish and instead of letting me get better he had to full fill his own comfort.  Do this make me selfish tho?  Should I have been running around after I got out of the hospital to make him more comfortable. I really just don’t think I love him anymore.  I really don’t and I don’t think I want to make this work.  He’s just so really selfish.  He’s way to into his video games instead of spending time with his family.  He doesn't seem to love me either.  It all just makes me so sad to have to admit I don’t love my husband.  I care about him but love isn’t there.

I was in love once.  I mean head over heels in love and sadly that love wasn’t ever with my husband, that love was with this guy from my past.  He was amazing and if he didn’t love me at least he made me feel like he did.  He was there for me through so much.  I could call him anytime.  We dated on and off for years sadly we just weren’t meant to be.  I don’t know if I will ever find anyone like him again.  We fit perfectly.  It might have been lust but it was the happiest I had been ever. He made me smile, cry and laugh.  I hated him and loved him at the same time.  He was my best friend but he’s not even in my life anymore and hes engaged.  I’m jealous of her.  He was suppose to be the guy I married. But everything happens for a reason. 

I just need to get through the holidays with him and my kids and then I need to move on.  I need someone who loves me. I need someone who will not be selfish who wants to do things as a family.  Who isn’t worried about their “me” time.  I need someone who loves romance and doesn't have so much emotional baggage. 

Out of all of this I just want someone to love me and truly love me.

[takeyourmemories]

Day Two

November 27 

0015

Day two of this new blog.  Last night I was so emotional.  I am not sure whats coming over me.  I cried and cried and cried some more. Today I spent time with my sister.  She has such a strong personality but she is also so caring.  The goal is to move and live in the same house.  I really hope it happens but who knows, things change quickly.  Tonight we went to the movies without my husband.  It was so great being without him and I know I shouldn’t have felt that way. He wasn’t holding me back and I didn’t have to worry about feeling embarrassed by him.  Today I also realized I really want to get the sleeve done on my stomach.  I have gained so much weight its ridiculous and its to the point that I don’t want any pictures taken of me and I don’t even want to go out in public.  I just have to get through something and hopefully by June I will be looking at surgery and a new life.

[takeyourmemories]

Please help me off of this thing.

November 26, 2016

0314

So blog I didn’t even get through night one without having a melt down.  Everything is falling apart in my life.  My husband and I talked and things need to get better.  I can’t keep falling apart.  We are going to try marriage counselling but thats all we can do.  My world is falling apart.  I thought I was going to be able to move in with my stepsister and parents but thats not the case because I realized she is to judgmental and our personalities clash and shes making so much money that now she thinks her shit don’t stink and in reality all she does is gloat about how good she looks and how much money she has. she got surgery to make herself look better but in reality she has such low selfesteem because her husband has cheated on her multiple times. This whole thing is a mess. My mind is spinning out of control and I have no clue where to go with it.  I am such a mess and I am alone.  I am so alone it and I just cant move on from how alone I actually am.  I have my kids and dog.  Those are they only people I can count on not to judge me or make me feel worthless or to turn their backs on me.  I am on an emotional rollercoaster that i cant get off of.  

[takeyourmemories]

Day One Of The Idea

November 25, 2016

So tonight is night one of trying to live with the idea of divorce and separation. My whole life I pictured the person I married was going to be the person I die with.  I swore I was never going to be the mother who has to split custody with someone.  I swore I wasn’t going to have children who had to go to separate houses and yet this has been the discussion (more like fighting) my husband and I have come to. I just cant keep living in misery.  My husband and I have become different people.  We live separate lives under the same roof.  We have nothing in common anymore.  He enjoys drinking, smoking and playing video games and I enjoy spending time with our children, being active and doing things with my family.  I pay all the bills which I have since day one because he always had an excuse for not working until now.  He finally has a job but he still doesn’t want to pay for anything.  He’s a very selfish man.  I swear he only thinks about himself and how things will positively affect him.  The whole situation is terrible.  I know I’m not perfect but I do what I can every day for this family.  I have my own flaws but they are nothing compared to all the shit he puts me threw.  This relationship is so bad I feel sometimes I wish i could just go out with someone else to feel loved or at least wanted and appreciated because I don’t get any of that from my husband.  The only thing we haven’t tried is marriage counselling and honestly I don’t think its going to work in my heart I don’t think I want it to get better.  I don’t think I want this.  I am so tired of fighting.  I am so tired of trying.  It has be a 6 year battle.  Do I love him of course, am I IN love with his? I’m not.  How can I be?  I don’t expect him to still be in love with me.  I just want whats best for me and our children who I will never ever take from him. I have no one to talk to, no one to go to.  Its just this blog and my thoughts.  I need this blog more than I ever thought.