RIP talesofblog 2009-2018
Weird to think I started this tumblr nearly a decade ago. At first I used it as a kind of creative space. I really admired the concept of microblogging - humans are complex and some ideas can afford to be expressed with more brevity. It seemed appropriately versatile for me in a post-livejournal world. I didn’t like the trend of tumblr being used as a visual scrapbook and favoured more personal tumblrs where people could express something genuine about themselves, and accordingly I tried to make mine a personal place that others were invited to. Mileage varied depending on how interesting people found either me or the things I was expressing. As time passed a lot of people dropped off the platform. Those who stuck around were using it for more detached & aesthetic purposes. What I was doing felt like a relic, and in the midst of the trend of people gradually revealing less of themselves here, it was kinda uncomfortable (for all of us, I know lol). If I were wiser and more stable I might have done any number of things: left tumblr, made a private tumblr, or better curated my self expression. Then I had a major life shift (you remember the one) and my self restraint here took an absolute nosedive. I was processing a lot of hurt and confusion and sadness and just, I dunno, coping with change. This became a sounding board for all the stuff I couldn’t instead internalise. And don’t think I wasn’t talking to people about it. My friends, my family, my psych, I exhausted all those outlets and still found myself exorcising my demons here in a way that was uncomfortable for others and not particularly productive for myself. Between my embarrassment about that content, and the fact that the person involved has now apologised to me, talesofblog seems obsolete. And stuff is way worse now. In 2017 I was basically liveblogging an abusive relationship and the aftermath. Something even worse happened that I can’t even speak about here. Last year was an experience so horrid that I found myself thinking about suicide a lot. Not wanting to do it, not how I’d do it, just the concept of not existing anymore. I felt like I’d given life my best try and it hadn’t worked out. I felt like I went in one end and came out the other end a completely new person. But to my pleasant surprise, after hitting utter rock bottom, experiencing a complete ego death, and no longer having access to my old life or even my old hopes and dreams, I was actually a better person. Stronger, wiser, more accepting, more thoughtful and empathetic. Resigned, but in a positive way. The combination of post-traumatic growth and a long overdue prescription of Ritalin has helped me enthuiastically become my best and most important self, and I’m excited to keep following this path, even though I am still stuck actively dealing with the things that made life a deeply negative experience only six months ago. So in line with the housekeeping I’m doing with my life, this blog has gotta go. I don’t relate to the author and I don’t want to remember what it was like to be him. It wasn’t working. I’m starting a new tumblr and it’s going to be primarily for pieces of writing. I want it to be thoughtful and prosaic and genuinely enjoyable to engage with, for both me and anyone who joins me. RIP talesofblo(r)g. Long live @nextsimulation
