Ask The Team (Currently Archived)

Ask Blog: Closed • Number of Current Questions: Normal Welcome to Ask The Team! Ms. Pauling here! Please feel free to drop an ask into the inbox. The boys will appreciate it. Oh, and me too! But this is mostly for them, I think. I’m not really that interesting.

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Medic, Did you know you have Simps, as in-

People who are genuinely Attracted to you

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Hello! I've never seen your page before. Perhaps this is a stupid question, but are you a system or a roleplay blog? I am part of a very small system and curious to meet or learn about others.

Spy: System?

Medic: I believe zhey mean a DID system. In other vords, vhat used to be referred to as “split personlities” are now known by zhe less outdated term of “system,” which are made up of separate “alters.”

Spy: I…see.

Medic: Don’t vurry, I understand your reluctance. Movies and books make having DID, or dissociative personality disorder, seem like a condition only murderous criminals have. Believe me, as a murderous criminal, I can tell you zhat isn’t zhe case.

Spy: How does it happen, then?

Medic: Vell, not everything is known about DID, but it seems to be caused by trauma in early childhood. Since zhat is vhen our personality and identity develops zhe most, zhe trauma can cause a fracture, developing alters to support or carry zhe pain.

Spy: Can’t the alters be…dangerous? [quietly] Like Quartz?

[silence]

Medic: Vhat happened to you vas…similar, but not entirely zhe same. Your Jekyll vas zhe vurst parts of yourself, fully realized. An alter can be aggressive, sure, but not nearly as often as TV has led you to believe. In fact, those with DID and other mental conditions are more likely to be a victim of a violent crime or abusive relationship, especially if vun of their alters is a child or non-human.

Spy: Ah. [clears throat] I…apologize.

Medic: All zhat to say, to answer your qvestion, ve are not a system. Ve are completely separate in mind and body.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Are you going okay Heavy? I know this is a lot of... Everything. Right now

Heavy: да. Heavy is okay. Tired, maybe.

[plastic clicking]

Heavy: Checkmate.

Medic Duck: [frustrated quacking]

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Y'all are Nice Folk :)

Sniper: I think…blimey, this is complicated… ‘old on…

Scout: The light’s on!

Sniper: Yeah? Oh, bloody hell, it’s on…

Pyro: [excited mumbling]

Sniper: Er…it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Scout: What’d they ask us?

Sniper: They said…aw, they said we’re nice folk. Not too bad yourself, mate. I mean, we kill guys for a living, so…I dunno exactly where that puts you. Hopefully a bit ‘igher, eh?

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Its my birthday today!! :D turned 16

Could the mercs tell me happy birthday? I'd love that

Medic: Ah, Herzlichen Glückwunsch! I believe zhat vas zhe age vhere I dissected my first large mammal…vhat vas it? A cow? Or perhaps a deer. Vhatever it vas, it vas on zhe side of the road, and I figured, vhy vaste it?

Spy: Disgusting.

Medic: [chuckling] You weren’t doing much better at that age, Schnuckel.

[silence]

Medic: I’m sure zhey vant to hear from more zhan just zhe two of us. And you do seem to be recovering smoothly…

Spy: …

Medic: It is your decision, but you are going to have to face zhem sooner or later.

Spy: Non. I mean…I’ll…meet them outside. I don’t want them to see me like this. Just…let me get dressed.

Pocket Mama: [trilling]

Spy: Merci.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

@sniper-but-gayer

[talk-to-the-mercs]

would spy be receptive of hugs,,? he seems like he needs a shoulder to cry on right now,,, poor spy needs love and affection,,, ;-;

Spy: Non. Absolutely not. Even if I weren’t bedridden, hugging is one of the most common betrayal tactics on the field. It leaves your chest, abdomen, and back vulnerable, and it gives you little chance to defend yourself. So, no, in case I wasn’t clear.

Medic: You know, it is estimated zhat vun needs four to eight hugs a day to have a healthy mental state. Perhaps zhat is vhy you’re so cranky.

Spy: It is also estimated that not dying is the best for your overall health.

Medic: …touché.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

as a stem student, im currently debating on taking either medicine or engineering for college. can i please ask either medic or engie about their opinions on the matter? i need some words of enlightenment

Medic: Ah, yes, zhe age old qvestion. I find zhat zhe best vay to discern vhich to choose is a simple set of qvestions. Vhich interests you more, zhe human body, or machinery? Are you interested in more interpersonal connections, or do you prefer vurking in your own space? Do you vurk vell in a team? Are you sqveamish about certain bodily fluids? Do you have medications or disabilities zhat vould make it hard to vurk around electricity or moving parts?

[silence]

Medic: Ach, perhaps it isn’t so simple. It really depends on vhich branches your interested in and vhat your goals are. For example, I thought I vanted to be a doctor, but it turns out zhat zhe path of moral ambiguity vas more fitting.

Spy: [mumbling] I wouldn’t call it ambiguity - we all know where your interests lie…

Medic: Back to your old pessimistic vays, I see. [chuckling] I suppose zhat means you’re on zhe mend.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Y'all have problems. Drink some water and go to sleep. Also, Medic, how many times have you replaced Spy's lungs/ Demo's liver? My guess is a little over 500 each

Spy: I am…aware.

Pocket Mama: [soft giggling]

Spy: Gah-! Stop that!

Medic: Vhen I vas new to zhe team, I did replace qvite a few organs, ligaments, skin grafts, and bones. But, after a few upgrades, I only need to change out zheir respective parts about…vunce a year? If zhat?

Spy: Upgrades?

Medic: Ach, never mind! Just a bit of routine gene splicing and organ transplants.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Medic, what's the most interesting thing you've dissected or found while dissecting something?

Medic: Vhere do I begin? For any average, practicing doctor, zhe strangest thing you vould find is a small toy or a shampoo bottle. But for a band of accident-prone mercenaries in vhat amounts to a desert wasteland? Zhe stories I could tell! I vunce found a live bomb in Demo’s stomach, a checkerboard in Heavy’s chest cavity, a still-vurking portable gaming system in Scout, and, my crowning achievement, a nanobot army crawling inside of Engineer zhat I had to pick out vis tveezers! [whispering] And zhose are zhe inanimate objects.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

I have a question for the good Doctor. (I hope that's alright.)

Let's say you've got this experiment -just for arguments sake - and you just can't crack it.

You feel defeated, aimless, at a loss.

What do you do?

Medic: I have recently begun using…other methods besides a cocktail of pharmaceuticals to motivate progress. Zhe last time I experimented vis such things, it didn’t go vell, so I’ve decided to look at options. Perhaps vhen Engie comes back, he can give me a bit of advice.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Medic, you have the exact same energy as a girl I knew in middle school who kept praying mantises for the sole purpose of watching the females kill the males

Medic: Ah, vhat memories! Your classmate reminds me of my own juvenile experiments. Ants under my glasses, lizards kept on a hot plate, frogs with mein Vater’s jumper cables…how could I have guessed zhat those playtime fantasies would lead me to!

Spy: [chuckling] You are a sick man.

[excited trilling, cooing]

Spy: Wh-wha-? What are you -

Pocket Mama: [soft humming]

Spy: Oh.

[silence]

Spy: Is that…?

Medic: A smaller version of Scout’s mozer? Ja, it appears so. She and a few other miniatures were zhe last things to be delivered by zhe ducks, according to Engineer.

Spy: …I don’t know how I feel about this.

Pocket Mama: [cooing]

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Spy, can you explain the shenanigans that went down in the video introducing you to us? Like, that was some real crazy stuff

Spy: [clearing throat] I must say, that was some of my best work. The drama, the monologuing, the B-roll of murder, the final kill…it was even worth donning Scout’s persona.

Medic: [distant] Alright, Alle mein Entchen, zhis von’t hurt a bit.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Aw, are the ducks okay? they sound tired. I think they deserve a nice relaxation in a little pond with some bread to monch on. Just keep the bread away from any teleporters ;)

Engineer: [laughing] I’m not surprised that that whole fiasco made it past Mann Co. walls. Miss Pauling tried t’keep it quiet, but not even a cloaking sheet could hide the smoke comin’ from the wreckage.

[Sparking of electricity]

Engineer: As for the ducks, they’d been gone for the past few days before they showed up here. I’m not real sure where they went, but from the scorch marks on their feathers, it’s no place I wanna be. Hopefully those pocket people can give ‘em a hand.

[Hum of machinery]

Engineer: Oh, speakin’ a’ which, you should be hearin’ from Medic soon. I gave a duck one of the new recorders I’ve been workin’ on to take to him. It should work…all the tests went through just fine…

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

@noivoom

[talk-to-the-mercs]

*Sets the Pocket Pauling, Pocket Heavy, Pocket Medic, Pocket Pyro, Pocket Medic, Pocket Pardner, Lil' Snaggletooth, and (sigh felt through the universe) Pocket Momma dolls in front of the ducks* You little guys know who these are for.

[Tired quacking and slapping of flippers]

Engineer: Well, I’ll be! Hello, y’all. Haven’t seen you in a hot minute. [quietly] Don’t look too good, either…

[Rustling of paper]

Heavy Duck: [hoarse quacking]

Engineer: Aw, bless your heart. Here, I’ll send a message t’ Medic so he can heal you up-

[Shrill squeaks, murmuring, trills]

Miss Pauling Duck: [exhausted clicking]

Engineer: What ‘n Sam Hill…?

Miss Pauling Duck: [startled quacking]

Engineer: Well, howdy, lil’ fellas! Where’d y’all come from?

[Rustling, squeaking, trilling]

Engineer: [mumbling] ‘You little guys know who these are for.’ Huh. Well, thank ya, whoever you are. With how these ducks are lookin’, they could sure use some help. Now, I don’t suppose y’all could take these ducks to Medic, could ya?

[Happy trills, clicking footsteps]

Engineer: Oh! Hold on a sec! I got somethin’ else for ‘em, too…

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

Oh boy, if you're surprised at the fact people think Engie is hot, you should see what people think of Medic and Sniper. Spoiler alert: people think they're hot. Actually, pretty much everyone of you guys have a sizable fanbase (who think they're hot). Have fun with that information!

Engineer: Well, it wasn’t a surprise, really…doesn’t mean I get it. Have y’all ever been in a cramped storage room with eight other sweaty guys with another man’s guts all over ‘em? It ain’t as attractive as you’d think.

[Whirring and squeaking]

Engineer: Miss Pauling’s already had to put a warning in our summary ‘bout things like that. A lot of us don’t mind too much - just some harmless flirtin’. But…well, it ain’t that way for everybody.

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

@noivoom

[talk-to-the-mercs]

i am here to ask: engineer. do you like trains. very VERY important question

Engineer: [chuckling] Let’s just say that if I had the room, I’d rebuild that run-down train out front from scratch. It’s a beauty, but it’s covered ‘n blood and rust and god knows what else…but it’d take six or seven workshops worth ‘a room to even bring it in here…

[END OF TRANSMISSION]

[talk-to-the-mercs]

You like robbing banks?

Engineer: I’ve robbed a few banks, sure. I’ve been on the other end of a lotta wires - bein’ on the field ain’t exactly my strong suit. That’s more Spy’s department. [low] I wonder how he’s holdin’ up.