personal

despite everything, its still you. tags to watch out for: #sh tw, #ed tw, #tw sui implied, #relapse tag (and both #tw self harm and #self harm tw in the past) мяне завуць Лёва ! Часам тут я паспрабую карыстацца АДК (Альтэрнатыўная і Дадатковая Комунікацыя - або AAC у англіскую мову.)

[talkorsomething]

Why feel so bad? Am i dying? Did i get cyclospora ? (I wld know)

*looks at calendar*

...oh.

[talkorsomething]

hope this isn't weird but i can help you with your lamp clone if you'd like. i can explain some things like the smart punctuation and show you all of the pages if you need them still

👀 i would be VERY interested!!!

The one thing is that due to unforseen events w/ work/family i'm ehmmmmmm not very able to Computer for a little bit 😅 ik asterics *can* be edited on a phone but computer way more comfortable for me lol

[talkorsomething]

Thinking. Maybe i will cut up one of my leggings for arm warmers

[talkorsomething]

Im not necessarily going to *feel* better if i change my sleep schedule to align with wrk again but at this point its like. Why stay up so long anyways.

[talkorsomething]

Decided to minspeak(/lamp) my weavechat by moving verbs inside each other. You do have to be careful though because if you're not on the "default scrolling" board you can accidentally disappear words almost completely

One problem is that certain folders and words just arent set up the same way but as far as verbs go im just picking whichever verb the main category leads to. Good idea? Idk.

Am considering moving "feelings" from my main board in2 "feel (verb)" folder... unclear just what i would put on the board in it's place. Yet.

[talkorsomething]

Everything wants to go numb & i am #Not comfortable

[talkorsomething]

Modified profanity folder incl. more polite variations

Fascinating that they have profanity folder allowable by default but not demeaning terms for women* (see, bitch, cunt, etc)

Not very "allow words" of them...

*(??)

[talkorsomething]

My problem is that i'm really into exactly one (1) niche coding language so when i get a thought like "i can create aac keyboard app for android" the problem is i do not know python or c or javascript or whatever would actually help me.

But i bet i could figure out how to build *some* sort of aac in the coding language i know. It just wouldn't be very good. Lol.

[talkorsomething]

[Cropped screenshot of typingtalk board "sfx" showing buttons "pikmin", "pikmin die", "pikmin explode", and "throw pikmin".]

Shoutout to typingtalk for letting u add sound clips FROM DEVICE so now i can pikmin emote w/o having 2 worry abt internet or the youtube videos getting deleted

[talkorsomething]

OKAY i did more dishes

And parent went out & got a little groceries cause its getting dire. And brought back oreos.

So even though the last ~40m have been hungry + overstimulated and So Much Noise Hell i at least had oreo reward.

And making egg now. So then when i am done i will get my *own* groceries.

[talkorsomething]

Lol i forgot to flip it around

So reasons to not:

- different (have not lived w/o in a long time)

- what if i live very long & change my mind (??)

- ...?

[talkorsomething]

i SHOULD be living my own life & i know you're not "supposed"(..?) to isolate & wait Until (always until) starting to *live* but . It's so hard ...

I guess also that. I Had to keep saving i Had to not go anywhere extra (gas every week sometimes ... (ﾒ﹏ﾒ) )

And that's almost over and i can try again.

But i don't know ... how hard it'll be.

Or how i'll feel.

I'm feeling like I did so much work to think about it when i thought i could schedule the same year and now it's been forever and i haven't been able to think about it because there's just no *time*

And my time is always occupied by work and now House work too. In avoidance constantly.

🧙‍♂️: [plan do dishes after eat but on phone little long]

👨‍💻: [in office Early, make noise]

🧙‍♂️:

🧙‍♂️: well now i do not want to

I need to get these dishes done though because i think i will not be able to do them for at least 2 weeks longer.

There is so much i have to avoid rather than explain

If she would just understand... or accept that i can do what i want to... i don't know. It's not *really* her. I just avoid hard conversations.

And it is hard, because i don't know how to explain...?

- it is not about feeling "fat"

- it is not that i don't want to look like you. (I love you! I love that we are the same!)

- it is not about feeling "objectified", because really i have not even felt that Ever.

(So what *is* it about...?)

I've been wondering about being bigender sometimes but i don't really "feel" like anything. Which i understand can be a normal thing, insofar as cis people can also not "feel" like anything, *while being cis*.

I'm just myself, and how I feel in myself is that. I don't like the shape of my chest now. I don't feel like it "fits" with the rest of me. And could I live like this forever, well, sure, but I would not be happy.

I wouldnt like to swim & i have not been swimming in a very, very long time.

I wouldnt like to run, and running is fun, sometimes. You run when you play.

And in the sensory aspect i just. Hate feeling them. It's weird. I don't think it's overwhelming (which i wish it did, in a way, since that would help my point), but i actively don't like it. Not neutral, not don't notice it.

That's *it*, that's *all*, and as a justification to other people it feels incomplete. (Maybe it's not everything).

... but i shouldn't really have to argue it, should i?

This proves I've thought about it.

I mean, i have for a while.

Something I've been trying to keep in mind is that this will not change much of anything. I will still be me, obviously, just only a little different. It's not going to wildly change my life; i will still do pretty much the same things after.

. . .

The timing's a little bad still. Or... the "how to explain it" timing. But the way it is I don't think it would ever be good.

So soon....

[talkorsomething]

Really fucking hungry Constantly all week. Not great.

[talkorsomething]

Okay on reflection the mental block is probably that someone put Dishes In The Sink again

[talkorsomething]

Really fucking hungry Constantly all week. Not great.

[talkorsomething]

I have Got to figure out what early imagine dragons influences were

[talkorsomething]

Body needs nutrients to fight off Suspicious Illness Symptoms but nothing have that can make/sound good.

[talkorsomething]

🧙‍♂️: moves

🧑: do u want to feel ur little side hairs prickling

🧙‍♂️:

🧑 :

🧙‍♂️:

🧑: :)