atoms

me n you

[tantalumtellurium]

i’m so happy!!!!!!!!

i got a girlfriend named stevie and it’s really seeming like a great start to our relationship. i feel so comfortable and light when im with her. she is so beautiful and smart and cool. and she thinks the same about me! and i’m so excited to be dating a woman, but specifically this woman. and it’s going to be a new and exciting chapter in my life!!!

i’m almost 3 years sober from cocaine, and altho i’ve been drinking i am moderating and my goal is to drink even less. im on medication that will help.

stevie is 5 years sober and it is very inspiring to me 😍🤩

i keep wanting to call her “my love” but that will have to wait.

[tantalumtellurium]

things are okay. my mom finally asked me to take her to urgent care and i’m nervous but very happy about it. she needs help and it has been so hard to watch her basically waste away the last couple months. i honestly kept thinking she was gonna die and jesus, i know id be okay but it would destroy me at the same time.

other than that tho, i’m kinda finally dating someone ☺️ and it’s my coworker!! that part freaks me out but honestly the more i’ve gotten to know stevie, i really like her.

i was questioning if i was really gay enough. i know that’s crazy but sometimes you feel like an imposter being a bi person. i’ve dated mostly men so i thought maybe i liked them more but i don’t think that’s true. i think i’ve just been scared. but i’m excited about dating her. i’m planning things for us to do in the future.

i’m still about shy about sex tho. not cos she’s a woman i don’t think, just cos doing it sober is still so foreign to me. i had sec with jeremy but even that got strange and then the only other sex i’ve had in 3 years was drunk again.

anyway. things are looking up for now. not with the world at large, but in this moment in my micro life, i am excited.

[tantalumtellurium]

feeling so anxious today, feeling dread. i think it’s cos of alcohol so i shouldn’t put too much stock in it buts its a very uncomfortable feeling. i was having fun tho and that’s okay and i don’t feel like complete shit. the anxiety is tough tho. it’s my upset stomach really, feels like a nauseous pit. queasy. i hate it.

i’m waiting for my sister and she’s always late and it drives me insane.

[tantalumtellurium]

i feel so alone. did i feel less alone when i was sober? honestly i think so. it was still hard tho but in a different way.

i think i need to quit again but im scared again. it’s so silly.

[tantalumtellurium]

having to put my dog down is bringing up so many dark feelings and realizations.

my mothers lack of ability to care for herself and other creatures is so blatantly apparent and it’s so fucking sad and rage inducing to witness as a product of that same maternal care. or lack there of.

she struggles to comfort others and i know it’s because of how she shuts of her emotions. but it is so hurtful when im crying in front of her and there is no validation or comfort or anything. it’s the same wound i’ve had my whole life, laid bare before me and it’s excruciatingly painful to sit with. and have no escape from.

i know i have to leave but i a feel so unprepared for a life on my own at 33. it feels so pathetic but it’s true.

anyway, i just need to stay in the moment for now and deal with today. just have to get through it

[tantalumtellurium]

i started drinking again. it’s been bad and good.

bad: making me feel like shit, spending too much money, being unsafe, makes me want to do drugs

good: i’ve had some fun and talked to and seen some people

when i put it like that the bad of course outweighs the good but here i am on my third drink when i should’ve gone home.

c’est la vie

[tantalumtellurium]

well i went 29 months. pretty good id say

[tantalumtellurium]

i think i’m fooling myself with this little experiment. but i also think im bored. im feeling stuck in sobriety and i don’t think the answer is drinking but hey, it is AN answer i suppose.

i don’t feel compelled necessarily, and i have a much lower limit and it’s been ok. a little wine after work, one tequila soda. but i may have one tonight too and there’s no reason but that i may want to.

even tho the “restrictions” i have, have been put on myself, i still feel this anarchist desire to rebel. even tho it’s something to keep me alive. and it’s REALLY rebelling if i’m sober cos capitalism and blah blah blah.

but does it feel honest? not always. alcohol is such a welcome addition to the constant pain of existence and to abstain seems insane. same with weed. and the fact that they may hurt me? for some reason that doesn’t matter so much to me. what’s wrong with me? why do i seem to crave self destruction? are some people just like this? questions that will probably remain unanswered.

i know i need to start writing again. and singing and playing music again. i know it will help save me and yet i feel so fucking mentally constipated when i think about it. like there is a legitimate blockage or stoppage somewhere inside of me and i cant fucking crack it. i think alcohol helped crack it tbh.

perhaps i can be normal again. use alcohol as a tool, not have it use me. but it’s that slippery slope. gravity has the habit of bringing you back down to the ground and there doesn’t seem to be any footholds to stop it.

maybe there are. or maybe i’m just lying to myself.

[tantalumtellurium]

i’m feeling so anxious and depressed again in a way i haven’t felt in a while and it’s really distressing. it’s hard to feel hopeful. i don’t know who to trust. i feel sort of crazy but still in control on some level it’s weird. i have cut back dramatically on weed the last two days and maybe it’s that. that scares me. i feel i should quit but i couldn’t control my emotions so much at work today that i had to leave not long after i got there and while i know im only human, it makes me feel like others will think im less than. not reliable. a liability. i’ve been in a bad place but the last two days seemed better actually. i thought i was coming out of the down swing. god it would be fucking nice not to have these constant swings. BLAHHHHHHH

i feel anxiety about work and my coworkers and it’s so hard to deal with. my social anxiety shit is still here and i’m so sick of it. maybe i can just hope that people accept me and try to hope for the best in people. it’s so fucking hard tho. i’m realizing i don’t really trust anyone. i am so scared to be vulnerable. it all just sucks and im overwhelmed by it in an intense way. it makes me want to do drugs.

it’s such an escape from the world, but also from my own internal world. all the doubt and confusion and pain can be altered. i can take control in my own weird way. if only it actually worked like that. i do really want to drink. i want to throw it all away because i feel so wrong in some way. it’s hard to accept myself because i don’t like my brain and i don’t like my body. they both cause me so much pain.

[tantalumtellurium]

ugh i feel like doodoo

i’m so unfulfilled by my current life but even so it’s stressful. what’s the point?

gotta change something

[tantalumtellurium]

fucking ugh. i feel so scared and overwhelmed again.

but the theory is i have better tools to deal with those feelings…im not so sure.

sometimes everything feels too hard, does it feel like that for everyone? am i just weak? am i so self centered that i must make every problem about myself?

it’s hard to tell.

i know just recently i was feeling better about myself. but yea the last week has been a long one… i feel unmoored again but i can’t let that feeling win.

i think maybe i’m lazy. man i’m feeling negative about myself atm. im unsure if it’s earned. blah blah blah. i’m doing absolutely nothing to improve the world and it fucking bothers me but i’m still not doing it and why????? i don’t know. i think maybe im all talk, fake.

ugh. sometimes i just can’t help but be human.

[tantalumtellurium]

questioning what my life really is without posting it on the internet🤔

i deleted all social media from my phone cos it was sucking my time and energy. but i loved posting, been doin it since the internet first started! and of course, it’s a way to express yourself and possibly have it seen and heard. what we all look for. i just need a different venue.

[tantalumtellurium]

damn. feeling very sad of course about how the election seems to be going. i don’t feel as hopeless as 2016 but damn. the men in this country truly hate women. i don’t understand trumps appeal at all and i feel so confused honestly. i have been all this time.

i just know i need to use any scared or angry or anxious feelings i have, i need to transfer them into trying to help make a change. i need to figure out how to truly commit to shit.

tonight i’m getting stoned and playing video games however.

im scared for the people of the world tho. i hope i can survive and help others.

[tantalumtellurium]

i feel depressed and i want to get out of it so bad!! why does it feel so impossible

[tantalumtellurium]

i need to break it off with this guy i think. i just can’t commit to dating someone when i can’t feel like i trust them. and i think maybe im still feeling traumatized from the past and it is so hard to trust anyone. especially romantically.

i just want to be friends again. idk. i’m gonna tell him and then we wont be friends. whatever. i can’t tell if im so doom and gloom becos im seeing red flags or cos im just scared.

i just don’t think he’s emotionally mature enough. i can’t date someone who hasn’t been to therapy. especially a cis man in my circumstance. i just don’t trust them

[tantalumtellurium]

i hate my new job. nothing could live up to my old one but goddamn. i’m just not sure this is right for me. i am exhausted and it’s only been 2 weeks.

i’m feeling stupid for not just cooling my jets a bit after the fire, but i just thought wow a other great italian restaurant where people are cool and idk man. it’s just a lot. no great job everybody either at the end of the night. it’s grueling and not even fun at all. if it’s gonna be physically hard it has to be mentally less taxing idk.

maybe i don’t know what im talking about. i had never worked in a restaurant before mingo. and i think im really good at the job but maybe the environment is not longer good for me. unfortunately im not sure what else id do. going back to school is a lot. man it all just sucks. i wish i could say fuck it and get fucked up and fuck shit up and get angry! but it only hurts me in the end.

maybe it’s sposed to hurt tho. sometimes it feels like it’s what i should be doing. i’m not sure what that feeling is about.

i’m really fucking sad and tired. i hate how i feel. i want to feel numb again, except im not sure it’ll even work anymore. i know too much. i don’t want it to make me sick. i don’t have time to lose.

anyway we’ll see about the job. if tomorrow goes okay hopefully i can get a better idea of how it’ll be working 4 days instead of 5. it’s all been a lot for me.

[tantalumtellurium]

i feel like shit today. my body hurts, altho it’s my own doing in certain ways, and my brain really hurts

i hate feeling like this. i feel like a victim of my own bullshit. i don’t want to feel like this

cos it’s not even that bad!!! i have a lot to give and i spend it all not doing anything at all and i don’t know why i can’t make myself do the things. what is wrong with me???