Regret. Regrets for past decisions... for not picking up the phone and calling, for not giving him one more hug before saying goodbye, and for not prioritizing visiting him in Burundi. But also, regret for all the futures that are lost to us now without him. We'll never again cheers over a booster, or send goofy happy birthday messages back and forth, we'll never watch another survivalist youtube video, we won't have any more late night conversations about the meaning of the universe while looking for constellations, we'll never go back to Santa to visit our host families together or share a moto ride. There are so many things I assumed we would get to do together someday and I've just felt all the cords to those futures slip out of my hands.
I know someday I won't feel the regret so strongly. I know I will feel the joy from all the light he brought to the world. But I'm not there yet. I'm still sitting here futilely grasping at threads to the future I can never get back.













