replace fear of the unknown with curiosity.

'96 / Capricorn / ENFJ

[taruhideki]

I know this feeling will probably dissipate when I wake up in the morning but it’s 1:42AM and I’m laying in bed in the dark crying and wondering when (or more like if) I will finally stop hating myself and wishing I just didn’t exist to begin with.

[taruhideki]

The only thing keeping me alive right now is the effect it would have on my family, boyfriend, and friends if I committed suicide.

I’m so tired of living this life.

[taruhideki]

I broke down today.

My boyfriend has seen me break down like this one other time, but I’ve never done it in front of my friends. I’ve cried in front of my friends, yes, but never for any reason like this.

These past few months, I’ve told myself that I want to disappear so many times. More than I ever have before. I haven’t felt so strongly about the words “I want to die” in a long time.

I have a good life. I have the most loving parents and an amazing family in general. I have the most understanding and supportive boyfriend. I have great friends that I get along with so well and we make such funny memories. I’ve never went through a day starving and I have yet to encounter any real financial problems. I’m blessed with all these circumstances yet I find myself sad. I find myself feeling dreadful of each day, where I don’t want to do anything and I barely want to see anyone. I have yet to really love myself and I feel unworthy of all the beautiful people around me. I feel immense guilt for being a burden and feeling this way when I’m blessed with so much. I know I have it good but I don’t feel good.

Is this depression? It takes so much for me to admit these feelings to myself, and even more so to voice it out of my own thoughts because I’m scared that that’s what it is.

I’d like to think that I’ve progressed a bit from my emotional state back then, but moments like this make me feel like I’m still stuck and nothing has really improved.

[taruhideki]

I think my ultimate goal in life is near the end of it, to be able to look back and feel content with what I’ve done. I don’t mind having regrets. I don’t mind regretting having done this one thing or not doing this one other thing. I know I’m gonna have those feelings. But overall, I just want to feel like I’ve done enough. I’ve done enough good. Done enough for my family, for my friends, for people in general. And of course, for myself. 

I have my moments. My days, my weeks, and sometimes my months. During these times sometimes I feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Stress, pain, regret, hatred, and a whole bunch of other negative feelings. I fall into a pit of negativity so often where I don’t want to do anything. But the thing is, these feelings are most of the time towards myself. I have these feelings for myself because of myself. This leads me to believe that I have control over how I feel. Shouldn’t I? It’s my own feelings. Yeah, outside factors may affect it somehow but in the end, the ultimate feeling is up to me and how I react to whatever outside force is affecting my life. 

My thoughts are always scrambled and I always begin writing with a number of different feelings and ideas I want to portray, but as I write I forget all the different thoughts I had. It’s just a jumbled mess lol. 

To sum it up, I’m just trying to have a more positive mindset when it comes to looking at life. I have the tendency to feel shitty and negative really easily, but I don’t want that to be the ultimate definitions of how I lived my life. I’m learning, and sometimes I’m really just hanging in there by a thread, but I’d like to tell myself that I’m trying a little more each day.

[taruhideki]

I’m very scared of feeling like I haven't amounted to anything and feeling like a complete failure. The future is such a scary thought sometimes.

[taruhideki]

I've spent the past few days in my room crying. Barely leaving my bed. I don't have any specific reasons as to why I feel this way. Do I have to? It's not like I want to feel upset and empty either. I want to be happy. I want to go outside and socialize with others, but for some reason I just don't. The few times I've left my room and talked to someone, I felt so fake. I felt like I was showing them this fake side of me where I was perfectly fine and normal as always. But I'm really not. I really don't feel fine. I don't feel like my normal self. I'm just really sad and I don't know why. I can't find anyone I can comfortably talk to without trying to make it seem like I feel better than I really do. I just feel very lonely. Not physically, but very much emotionally.

[taruhideki]

Sometimes I just feel like shit and I want to die but I can't directly admit it to anyone or it'll feel too real.

[taruhideki]

A Reflection

I feel like at the end of every year, everyone talks about how the year was a “special” one. I’m part of everyone, so here’s mine I guess lol.

2016, like every other year of my life, was filled with some pretty interesting events. At the end of 2015, I got myself into a relationship that I wasn’t ready for. Actually, it’s more like he wasn’t ready for it. I pushed things too much and we got together when we shouldn’t have. I don’t know if we should have waited a bit and got together a bit later or if we just shouldn’t have gotten together at all. Anyways, it seemed like a good relationship at first, but I honestly knew it wasn’t too healthy for me quite quickly. It was clear that I had much more feelings than he had for me, but despite knowing that, I kept myself in the relationship with the wishful thinking and blind fate that we would last. Well, we didn’t. Things didn’t really end too well. Throughout the relationship, although it was only about a short five months, I was constantly let down and felt ignored. I didn’t feel loved... or at least enough. I constantly felt, or more like knew, that I tried so much more in the relationship than he did. When we broke up, I had a breakdown and actually sobbed so loudly in my suite that when I think back on it, I feel so embarrassed. It’s honestly sad thinking about it.

I know it was his first relationship. I felt ready, but he wasn’t. We weren’t ready to become anything but I pushed it forward. If I were to be truthful... I felt played. I don’t blame him; I know he didn’t do it on purpose. I definitely would blame him if his intentions were ill, but I know they weren’t. He was just not ready. I slightly blame myself for not being able to see it before I got myself into that relationship. I should’ve seen how hard I was pushing him. I shouldn’t have been so foolish.

One of the hardest parts of ending the relationship was the fact that we shared the same friends in college. We hung around the same people. It made things awkward. Although I know we’re always going to be a little awkward, I know we both try to brush that feeling away and just understand that we’re gonna have to deal with hanging around each other but feeling a little uncomfortable.

Okay, enough of that whole bit. Fast forward just a little... but barely, lol. One of the friendships I had with a friend will never feel the same to me because we fucked up. Both of us, I guess. I hate to think about it but I feel both sad and irritated, in an angry way. I try not to regret things but this is one of the few, because things would have felt so much better if the falling out of our friendship didn’t happen. I act cold and seem like I don’t care anymore, but I think most of the people close to me know I do, lol. I honestly can’t be that heartless.

With the falling out of that friendship, a new relationship began. I met, or well not really met, my current boyfriend. I somewhat like to believe in “fate”, but I also know not to be such a dreamer sometimes. But whenever I look back on us getting together, it makes me incredibly happy and hope that if “fate” does exist, that this relationship was it. We’ve only been together for about four months, so not long at all, but I’m so incredibly happy. People probably always say that in the beginning of their relationship, but I really do feel so happy. If I can be a little less realistic and more of a “dreamer” right now, I would say that honestly, when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about two years ago, I thought I had let go of “the one”, but now that I’m with someone that makes me as happy as Johnson does, I feel like he’s actually “the one”. It’s so cheesy and I don’t want to sound like I’m stupid in love because I know myself and I know I jump into things too quickly a lot of the times, but right now, that’s truly how I feel. I can’t grasp the words to express how grateful I am for him, and how much I feel for him, and that’s what is so great. I’m beyond excited and hopeful for what’s in store for us in this new year and the many years to come.

Looking a few years back, I’m in a much better emotional state now. Unlike then, I don’t completely hate myself now; I don’t feel like such a bad person and I don’t feel that I deserve a million bad things to happen to me. I feel a lot more optimistic in myself and the future than I did before.

In 2017 and all the years to come, I hope that all the amazing people around me can make a million happy memories. Of course there will be sad ones, some that may feel completely unbearable for some people, but I hope that they’ll have the strength to overcome whatever sad event may happen to them and be happy with their life and themselves. I’m starting 2017 on a very positive note and I hope I end the year feeling the same. I love my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and I’m on the road to really loving myself.

[taruhideki]

I’ve been quite stressed this past week because of school. I’ve constantly said this: college makes me feel dumb. Being surrounded by such smart individuals – yeah sure, I feel inspired at times, but most of the times, I just feel dumb. I can’t help but compare myself to those that are smarter than me. No, I’m not the hardest worker and I’m very aware of that. I often procrastinate and don’t always try my hardest in school. I know that’s my fault. But when I do try my hardest and still don’t understand and accomplish what I want, I feel so defeated.

Just a couple hours of ago I broke down crying after building up my frustration for quite a while. I punched the wall out of frustration and just started crying, feeling sorry for myself and feeling stupid. I felt so stressed.

I just wanted to express how grateful I am that my boyfriend was there with me. He dealt with me being easily irritated, unreasonably snappy, and just overall in a really bad mood. He dealt with my crying and feeling of helplessness. I probably would have just cried in bed until I fell asleep, only to wake up and hate myself for not doing any work the previous night. But thanks to him, I was able to stop crying and get back into a good enough mood to work.

It’s November, the month of Thanksgiving, and right now I’m very thankful for my caring and supportive boyfriend.

[taruhideki]

It's either I feel like a really bad person or I feel constantly uneasy and jealous. They're both shitty feelings.

[taruhideki]

That moment when your boyfriend's ex is feeling the same exact way as how I felt about my ex at one point. I know exactly how she feels and I definitely feel for her but at the same time I can't help but wish she would just go away because she makes me feel uneasy. Do I get to feel this way or do I have to feel guilty for having these thoughts? Idk.

[empathysuggestion]

one day you will be happy. not constantly, but it will become a theme in your life. you will have days where you feel sad and that’s normal. but eventually you can wake up with a smile on your face even if there isn’t a reason. you’ll see yourself through a clearer lens. you’ll think of the best case scenarios. you’ll find people who you can share your happiness with. you’ll settle into your own body and mind with a sense of security.

[wnq-writers]

Please don’t hold back on me. Tell me that you miss me. Tell me that you stayed up late cause you couldn’t stop thinking about me, about us. Tell me about the dreams you have with me. Tell me about the way I make you happy. Don’t pretend to have no feelings. Love is not a weakness, and if it is, let’s all be weak, let’s all tell people why they mean so much to us.

falling-apartt (via wnq-writers)

[satanss-mistress]

One day I’ll wake up and be glad I did

Something I have to keep reminding myself (via satanss-mistress)

[taruhideki]

I’ve been so unproductive these past few days, a lot more unproductive than I normally am. I immediately grabbed my sketchbook, a pencil, and just started writing and drawing away. My hands felt as if they needed to do something or they would’ve gone crazy. Maybe this is my body telling me that summer break is too long. I can’t say I’m not excited to go back to school and actually do something.

[nudea]

[danthehumanboy]

You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.

Daniel Krascsenits // An advice from myself to myself.  (via cloudkiddo)