Need some help? :)

This is my advice/ (sometimes) personal blog. Need some advice on any topic? Just write in my ask/submissions box, I'm not judgemental and I do try to answer as honestly as I can. Go on what are you waiting for? Is something bothering you? I can help :) NOTE: I generally do not reply to messages sent through messenger. Please send me an ask. DISCLAIMER: I'm NOT a professional counsellor, I just do this to help people you. If you need any urgent help, please use resources available to you in your local area. If you want to read asks I've already answered on different topics, please use the tag topics link above.

[tashadvice]

On hiatus

[tashadvice]

Hi tash, I sent a instagram follow to someone I work with last week but they still haven’t accepted or rejected it, I thought I got on well with this person, they have accepted other people’s requests since, should I take back the request as I don’t want things to be weird with this person when I see them later this week?

hey lovely <3

I wouldn’t worry too much for now, have they accepted your follow yet? Maybe this person doesn’t really use instagram that much or that actively and they simply haven’t checked their account to see that you’ve sent a friend request? or maybe they saw your notification and they forgot to do anything about it? if you feel comfortable enough, you could mention that you sent them an instagram follow but if that’s awkward, maybe just leave the request for now and then go on acting as normal unless you notice that person acting weird around you themselves :) there could be a simple explanation so I would try not to worry or let it affect you and your relationship at work for now..! 

xx Tash  

[tashadvice]

How do you feel about enlightening people and changing their minds for the better? It's one specific gift and admirable act to advise someone who doesnt have an answer, but is it even possible to change what someone thinks? Not in a controlling way but like as an interven when someone has toxic thinking. I'm asking because I wonder if i should dedicate more of my life to sharing helpful thoughts with more people.

Hey anon

That’s an interesting question! The older I’ve become, the more I’ve started to realise some people don’t really want specific advice or my opinion, they just want someone to listen to them when they are going through a tough time or are in a toxic situation. It’s something I’ve reflected on a lot because I’m someone who has always been open to sharing my opinions and advice, and will just openly offer advice to my friends. But it’s important to just listen too sometimes and offer support and a shoulder to lean on.

Is it possible to change how someone thinks? Yes I would say it’s possible; but I think you shouldn’t ever force your advice or opinion on someone because we all have our own different perspectives and ideas. I’ve also learnt over time that sometimes I don’t have all the information I need to form an opinion either, that’s when I’ll do further research or investigation on that topic. And when someone is in a toxic situation, in my own experience, most people need to realise this on their own rather than be told they are in an toxic situation, because it can actually push that person away.

I think it’s admirable that you would like to share helpful thoughts with others and I definitely would encourage it because you could really help someone too! And there’s probably a number of ways you could achieve that goal too. I think it’s ok to challenge negative statements and thoughts in an effort to make someone see a different perspective or to cheer them up. And make sure you look after yourself at the same time...!

Good luck

Xx Tash

Posted: 6 March 2021

[tashadvice]

Please Help !!! My boyfriend’s family is quite wealthy but his mother happens to be permanently legally blind, this means he qualifies for youth allowance which he is currently applying for and his older brother already accesses.

My family is very not wealthy and even apart from this I find it incredibly selfish, rude and disrespectful that he and his parents want him to use this system as they happen to be in a minority that have access to government aid but don’t need it. I love him so much but this decision makes me incredibly angry and hurt. I have lost all respect for his parents and lost some respect for him.

What do I do to either convince him to not do it or to stop being angry. I don’t want to break up with him but I feel sick to my stomach with anger when I think about it. I just hate that he is getting free money for doing nothing when he doesn’t even live away from home and is going to a regularly inexpensive uni.

hey anon <3

I’m sorry I’ve taken awhile to get back to you, how are you feeling about it now?

I hate to play devil’s advocate but the other side to this is that if your boyfriend is entitled and eligible for youth allowance, I don’t think he is really doing anything wrong by claiming it even if he doesn’t specifically need that money to live off?  From my understanding, (at least in my country!) to qualify for youth allowance you need to be earning under a certain salary per year and meet other criteria, otherwise you can’t access it. 

I could understand your anger if the family was somehow exploiting the system (say by faking an illness/disability or lying about their yearly income to the tax department), but if they are entitled to that money and it helps your boyfriend support himself, why not claim it?    I mean, if you put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes and you were eligible for youth allowance, would you claim it even if you didn’t specifically need it to live off? Extra income can go a long way with supporting daily life and paying the bills, especially if you don’t have a high income job and you’re studying.  

Anyway that’s just me considering the other side to the story and hopefully that brings a bit of a new perspective :)  I think you’d have every right to be angry if your boyfriend wasn’t eligible or entitled to that youth allowance but for now, maybe it’s worth taking a breather and letting this go.  And if you and your boyfriend are quite serious and looking towards the future you never know, that additional income might end up supporting you in the long run as well. 

Good luck!

xx Tash 

Posted: 4 March 2021 

[tashadvice]

Hello my lovelies, as you may have figured out I’m currently on hiatus. I hope I’ll be back maybe in another few weeks - I just have to prioritise myself at the moment and once I’m back in a better mental space to answer questions I’ll get to the backlog in my inbox 💜 thank you for your patience and please take care of yourself xx

Posted 19 February 2021

[tashadvice]

What do you think of dating an ex after years has passed? Do you think it could work or just move on? Will reaching out to an ex after years passed a good idea? Say if the breakup ended on good terms.

hey anon <3

I think if the breakup ended on good terms I don’t have anything against dating and re-connecting with an ex after years have passed myself...! 

I think you would have to consider why you broke up in the first place and then whether you have both changed as people, whether you still have strong feelings for each other upon re-connecting and can move forward and past the reason why you broke up.  I’ve seen it happen with friends sometimes too, but definitely not if the relationship was toxic, ended badly or they were simply incompatible with one another.  

I think you’d also have to ask yourself what are your own intentions to reaching out to your ex? Do you genuinely miss and care about them and want to try again? Or are you feeling lonely after another relationship didn’t work out? It’s ok if you are feeling lonely...! Just that Loneliness is maybe not the best reason to re-connect with an ex either. 

Reaching out probably wouldn’t be harmful unless you think if your ex isn’t interested in meeting up or ignores you that you would be really hurt by it.  I think you would need to keep an open mind and be prepared that it might not necessarily go how you could expect or predict, but if you’re ok with that and you believe you could deal with the emotional side of things effectively then I say why not try and reach out?   If reaching out is going to cause you more potential harm than good, then re-assess. 

good luck <3

xx Tash

[tashadvice]

I feel like nobody will ever love me, and I don’t deserve to be loved or be happy, the fear of rejection has completely crippled me

Hey anon <3

I’m so sorry to hear that you feel this way. I hope it helps a little bit if I say to you that you 100% deserve to be loved and to be happy - I know it can be so hard to be kind to yourself sometimes. It’s a real journey to go on to learn to love yourself, with plenty of ups and downs.

If you are feeling sad and down and this is something you have been struggling with for some time, please don’t be afraid to seek some professional advice, or even start off by talking to someone you trust about your struggles. It can really take a load off your chest just to talk about it, or if you don’t feel comfortable talking, writing down your feelings.

Try to practise positive self talk as much as possible and be gentle on yourself. Having little affirmations that you tell yourself over and over can help for example “I deserve to be loved” and “I am beautiful just the way I am” or any others you might like to come up with. You might find it helps to think of a few things you’re grateful for everyday. If you find yourself thinking negatively try to use all your will power to stop yourself or find an activity to distract yourself and lift your mood.

In terms of rejection in love and dating, in my own life experience, I truly believe that most of the time, rejection isn’t to be taken personally. Rather than look at it as rejection, it’s probably more to do with an incompatibility issue or a timing issue where one or both of you isn’t emotionally available. In fact, if you look back, sometimes being ‘rejected’ is that person doing you a favour and leaving you available to the right person. If you’re dating, remember that dating is a process for you to decide whether that person is compatible with you, not only for you both to decide if you like each other. I know it’s scary to put your heart on the line but what I like to always tell myself is that I was ok before that person, and I will be ok if that person leaves even if it’s hard at first. Love is not without risk unfortunately, but you can choose to put yourself first and to try and be as comfortable as you can on your own in case something does go wrong.

I hope that helps a little bit! There are plenty of books and mindfulness activities you might want to look into in terms of the journey to loving yourself and practising self care.

Good luck <3

Xx Tash

[tashadvice]

Hello my lovelies. I’m so sorry if you have an ask waiting to be answered. Life and other things have been getting in the way a lot lately of me getting online to answer questions, and I really don’t like answering messages unless I’m in a very good mindset myself. I hope you can all understand 💖

I am going away for awhile for Christmas so I do apologise if I don’t get to all my messages before then! I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season. I know this time of the year can induce feelings of stress, loneliness and other difficult emotions for many. With the added stress of covid this year, it’s more important now more than ever to take care of your physical, emotional and mental health. Practice self care and if you need support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional.

Feel free to send me a question in the interim though and I will get around to answering it as soon as I can.

Take care and look after yourselves :)

Xx Tash

[tashadvice]

Please tell me I’m not overreacting :(

I have this on going problem with my boyfriend where he’ll go out with his friends or buddies after work and I have no problem with this, I always encourage him to go out with his friends because I don’t wanna be that nagging girlfriend, but he tends to always stay gone longer than he says he’ll be. like I get it you get caught up in the fun but after like 2 hours he’ll tell me “I’ll be coming home in about 15 minutes” and he’ll end up showing up 2/3 hours later maybe even later, and I always tell him I have a problem with that and he acts like he won’t do it again. but the next time he’s out it happens all over again we’ve been together for 6 years and he’s always done this but it hurts more now because we also have a baby who’s a year and a half..

you’re not overreacting :) 

In fact I would totally react the same way if I were in your shoes.  Your boyfriend shouldn’t be making promises to you that he can’t keep.  If he’s going to be another few hours, he should be honest and say so in my opinion.  Also, The worry is what is he getting up too in those hours when he’s not showing up when he says he will.   

If you’ve spoken to him about this time and time again, and he knows it’s hurting you, but yet he keeps behaving this way, it shows a lack of respect and care imo.  If you are the same anon I answered another question from before, this might be another factor to take into consideration as to whether this relationship is worth fighting for anymore.   You deserve to be loved and respected. 

xx Tash 

[tashadvice]

I’ve been with my bf for 6-7 years now (and he’s been my only bf ever) and we had a baby a year and a half ago but I’m not happy and I haven’t been for years and I feel like I’ll ruin my daughters life if I don’t stay with her father it’s hard because he’s cheated on me continuously during the years like a lot it started even before we were officially dating, (I know I should’ve left a long time ago), but I felt like if I did then all the other girls won idk I know that’s a bad way of looking at it. I’ve never really dealt with the pain of it all nor have I processed it but I always feel like I don’t want him to end up being with someone else. We’ve talked about this subject many times but I still feel lost and unhappy idk what to do... there’s way more problems to us but this is the main one.

If you have any advice I’d love to here it you’re a good person for letting people vent to you when they have no one ♡︎

hey anon <3

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through! I hope you have the support of family and friends to lean on when you’re not feeling happy <3  

I can’t say I’m experienced in this area at all as I don’t have any children myself, but I’m definitely an advocate for being happy single than being miserable in a relationship that doesn’t serve you anymore.   It can take time to reach a strong mindset to be able to walk away though, and you may even want to consider getting some professional advice, therapy or counselling to help you through this tough situation.  

Children can be raised by successful co-parenting, so even if you and your bf were hypothetically not together anymore, it doesn’t mean that your daughter’s life would be ruined at all.  In fact, all three of you may end up being happier once you are out of this situation.   If you and your partner can remain respectful and act amicably towards each other and put into place a parenting plan, your bf can still remain a big part of your daughter’s life even if you weren’t together anymore.  

Also, something to keep in mind is that the cheating is nothing to do with you and all to do with him.  If you leave him, it’s not because the other girls won, you’re right that’s not the best way to look at it.   Instead, you can be strong and walk away from something that no longer serves you, which can be your own kind of winning.  I know it also sucks to think about him with someone else, but on the other side, can you picture yourself in the future being in a happy relationship where you don’t have to worry about cheating or being unhappy anymore?  

If you are thinking of leaving, I can imagine you would need to put a plan in place and make sure you are well supported.  Take your time and do your research.  It can be so hard to walk away from someone you have so much history with, but having history with someone is also not a reason to stay.  

Sending you much love and I hope everything turns around for you!

xx Tash 

[tashadvice]

Why would she restrict me on instagram but yet still follow me and still watch my stories, why not just unfollow me, what sort of head games is she playing with me?

hey anon <3

I don’t really know the full context behind your question but maybe she still follows you because she doesn’t have any hard feelings and watches your stories to see how you are doing? Or purely out of curiosity?  Maybe she’s restricted you to help with the moving on or healing process but again she can’t help herself and likes to check in by watching your stories?  Maybe she is watching your stories because she knows you will see that she’s watching and is trying to get your attention?  It’s so hard to say, and social media can literally be the worst thing ever when it comes to interpreting what is behind the message or an action.  Probably the best thing you can do is just let it be and ignore it if you don’t want to play games.  You can always unfollow her or block her from your stories yourself if seeing her name pop up is doing more harm than good. 

Good luck!

xx Tash

[tashadvice]

Hi Tash I was wondering if you have any advice on online friends and the age gaps that can be found? When I was in middle school I would play online games with some mostly older players. They really helped me as I had few IRL friends then. Now that I'm in college I'm reconnecting and I'm in some online circles with younger fans and a young HS friend in a bad homelife. I saw ppl saying that having online younger friends is creepy but I dont mean it that way at all. Should I avoid talking to them?

hey anon <3

That’s an interesting question as lots of online games can have a range of different age groups?  I think it’s definitely important for parents of young children or teenagers to monitor younger players for online safety purposes.. but I wouldn’t say it’s creepy to interact with online younger fans if you are acting in an appropriate manner and your friendships with these younger people are purely platonic or to play the game together.  It would be creepy if you actively sought out younger people, but if you’re randomly meeting them online because of the game, I personally don’t think that’s weird.  

Hope that helps!

xx Tash 

[tashadvice]

How much of an age gap is too much for a relationship, I’ve developed a crush on my team leader in work, I’m new here and he’s 10 years older, he’s super nice and really funny he noticed I had a security sticker on my back today somebody put it there, he told me they should of put the high end tag on me for the more valuable items eek 🥰 we spent about 15 mins today talking about our dogs, he’s just so easy to talk to and he asks every day how my online lectures are going, 1/2

hey anon I think I’m missing part 2 of your ask!

Nevertheless, I find a good way to determine whether an age gap is going to be seen as too large (and in particular by other people) is to use the age gap equation/formula.   The equation is half of your age, plus 7 = the minimum age you should be dating.  So what you would do is take your crushes age, halve it and then add 7.  If the minimum age calculated is older than your current age, other people might see your age gap as too big. 

But that being said, if you are a legal adult it’s totally up to you at the end of the day as to whether 10 years older is too much.  There are couples out there with significant age gaps who definitely don’t have any problems.  I think as long as you care about each other, can communicate properly, have the same level of maturity and can see each other growing together and building a future that age might not necessarily matter too much.  

Obviously it is very different if you are not a legal adult, then I would definitely avoid dating someone 10 years older than you! 

I hope that helps!

xx Tash 

[tashadvice]

In regards of the holding of the door , the girl who was in front of me held for me and I in return held for the next person coming with turned out was angry woman still would of held it open for a man, it’s just polite manners that’s the way I was raised you also offer a woman your seat on a crowded bus or train, men walk on the sidewalk side, when did chivalry become sexist?

I found some interesting articles that express a different viewpoint on chivalry as being sexist, you might want to take a look at these:

- https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/the-problem-with-chivalry-is-that-its-a-ruse-for-sexism/

https://feminisminindia.com/2019/03/11/benevolent-sexism-chivalry/

https://feminisminindia.com/2017/09/20/chivalry-subtle-sexism/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/06/28/is-chivalry-sexist/?sh=18973365ef54

https://msmagazine.com/2020/07/30/tools-of-the-patriarchy-should-chivalry-be-dead/

Whether you agree with this or not, I think these articles raise some interesting points and are better expressed than what I could ever write myself!  What I think is the most interesting point in one of these articles is would you ever offer up your seat to say a cis-male on a crowded bus? The answer is probably no, therefore why would you offer your seat to woman?  Women don’t want to be viewed as incompetent or as damsels in distress compared to men.  

That being said, I think a balance can be drawn between chivalry and sexism by having mutual respect from women.   For example, if you see a pregnant or elderly lady standing up on a busy bus it’s respectful to offer her your seat whether you are male or female.  Or another example say If you see a lady who looks uncomfortable in high heels standing up on the bus you could say something like ‘do you want my seat? I feel like standing in those heels could be uncomfortable’.    The intent behind those words is that you noticed she looks uncomfortable so you want to help her out. 

It’s an interesting debate! I think it could go either way tbh.  

Feel free anons or followers to leave your comments below if you have anything else to add <3 

xx Tash 

[tashadvice]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 and a half years. We live together and honestly i see a future with him. He has never given me any reason to ever suspect he would ever cheat on me and consistantly places a lot of trust in me as well. This is so much so we both have our fingerprints on each other's phones and are able to unlock it with ease.

It was pretty late at night and my boyfriend was asleep so after two years curiosity got the better of me. I went through his phone, looking for nothing in particular. I found an app called "private screenshots" on his main page in a folder and wondered what could he possibly have in there. I was able to get in with my fingerprint and found quite a few screenshots that looked like snapchat. A lot of them were from the same girl, a girl he has known since college and still keeps in contact with (has a 900+ streak on snap). Some were nude and some were just suggestive selfies.

On top of that he had screenshotted private photos that i had sent him in the past. I have explicitly told him i did not want those photos screenshotted. Needless to say i was shocked and pissed. I couldn't stop there so i also went through his messages with this girl and found he also pays ($9+) to have access to her onlyfans.

This girl lives hours away and i dont suspect things have gone further than pictures but i am still hurt and angry about this. I deleted all the pictures with me in them since he had no right to have them. I also found general nudes of pornstars and other onlyfans junk but honestly thats what i was expecting in the first place. How do i confront him on this? Is this something that can be worked past? Or is this a red flag that he is not satisfied with only me?

hey anon <3

I’m sorry to hear what’s happened! I think whether this can be something that can be worked past depends on whether you can ever trust him or look at him the same way again after this.   I think deal breakers in relationships can also be quite personal and vary from individual to individual.  Some couples might be ok with their significant other looking at certain images online or using only fans because they’ve talked about it and established those boundaries. But seeing as your reaction is hurt and anger, I think that speaks volumes that he’s crossed boundaries that he shouldn’t have crossed.  I think it’s also a very different situation when this is a girl he knows, as opposed to a random model he has never met online. 

What I would like to know is whether these pictures he’s saved have been saved while you two have been together (or before)?  If the date was before you got together, and maybe this was an old folder he simply forgot he had in his phone, maybe it’s something you can work past because he’s been loyal to you throughout your relationship? However, if he’s been interacting with this girl throughout your two year relationship or recently screens hotting nude and explicit photos, in my own personal opinion (and feel free to disagree of course!) that is a form of emotional cheating and not the grounds for continuing to build a long term future.  

The only thing I think you can do is be honest and confront him on what you’ve found and talk about it.  Find out why he’s been doing this. Even ask him directly if he’s still happy in your relationship.  But if he’s been doing this behind your back and you are feeling hurt, you may want to consider taking a break from the relationship or even breaking up after you’ve had the conversation with him.   I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but once trust is broken it can be extremely difficult to ever repair.   I think his reaction to confronting him will also speak volumes. If he’s angry and defensive and tries to throw this back on you (especially because you looked in his phone), that could speak to a guilty conscience. 

I hope it all turns out ok!

xx Tash 

[tashadvice]

my best friend has confided in me about their relationship, especially as they think about moving in with their partner next year. my friend suspects that their partner snoops through their phone, or outright demands to see their old texts/DMs. they accuse my friend of having the potential to cheat on them even though they have been sheltering in place together. their partner also wants them to unfollow their ex from six years ago, and asks them to unfollow other people... (1/2)

worst of all, their partner does not have any friends and clings onto my best friend like a life jacket. i love my best friend but i cannot stand to see them wasting their time with someone who is toxic, controlling, possessive, and emotionally manipulative. how can i tell them how i feel about their relationship? should i let them just experience life on their own even though their partner is extremely toxic? (2/2) p.s. fellow aussie here, thank you so much in advance for your advice!

hey anon and fellow aussie! <3

I’m sorry to hear what your friend is going through, it’s hard to see a friend be in a toxic relationship.   It’s lovely that you are her best friend and that she feels comfortable confiding in you.   Unfortunately if your best friend has her rosy coloured glasses on when it comes to her partner, she might not realise her situation is toxic until she comes to terms with that on her own.  I know it’s hard to stand by and watch your friend go through this, but what you can do is be her biggest support. Let her know how much you care about her and that you’ll always support and listen to her when she needs someone. 

When she does confide in you, try to listen without judgement and be gentle. If she asks for your advice or for your opinion that’s when you can tell her honestly how you feel. However, I would avoid saying anything too direct like “I think you should break up with him” and instead say something like “I know this isn’t my place but I am concerned about the way he is behaving, and I know this is making you unhappy.”   After you’ve aired your concerns, you might find yourself having similar conversations with her until she realises in her own time what’s going on.    It can take time to break away from a toxic relationship, particularly if he is being controlling and manipulative and you might have to be very patient with her.  It might also help to remind your friend that the way her partner is behaving is all to do with him, and nothing to do with her, this situation isn’t her fault.  

Make sure you take care of yourself as well and establish healthy boundaries for the sake of your own wellbeing. You are also not responsible for your friend’s personal life and you have your own life to deal with as well.  Take a step back when you need if this situation starts to affect you negatively.   

If you’re not sure what advice you can give, that’s ok too. Your friend and even her partner may need some professional advice in her situation.  What can do is listen and be there for her and let her know she always has you as a friend. 

I hope that helps <3

xx Tash 

[tashadvice]

•Need friendship advice •

I’ve been friends with this guys for years and we’ve talked on and off for years and we’re just friends but sometimes we text all day everyday for weeks but when he gets a girlfriend he’ll up and ghost me but I usually understand like I’ll know he’s talking to a girl and I’ll hype him up and tell him to go for it so like I understand why you know but this most recent gf he has I didn’t know about until he posted her and they had be together for a while now. I’ve been texting this guy since December of 2019 as friends like we have for years and I barely find out he’s been interested and talking to this girl and obviously I don’t have a problem because he’s my friend it just bugs me that he never mentioned her or told me they were dating even when I talked about girls he always said he didn’t have a gf and I found out they’ve been talking since may.. all of a sudden ghosted me like I don’t care that he has a gf I just feel kinda hurt lol should I talk to him about it or say fuck it and not talk to him anymore??

Hey lovely <3

It can be a tricky situation sometimes when friends get a new partner, they kind of get caught up in the excitement of it all and can neglect their other friendships. I have a few thoughts about your situation that I hope helps...!

I think it’s a good idea to look at your friendship dynamic as a whole, like how close were you before the gf came on the scene? If you were super close and talked about literally anything and everything, it does seem a little odd he didn’t mention this girl. If you aren’t that close, he maybe didn’t think who he’s currently dating is worth mentioning. What is your history too? Have you ever dated or crushed on each other? Maybe he didn’t want to tell you about this girl to spare you you’re feelings, or to keep his options open? I know you’ve said you don’t care about her, but does he know that too? Is your relationship purely texting and you’ve never met in person? maybe he’s just a private person who doesn’t like to talk about his love life at all? Or it could have just totally slipped his mind or didn’t think it was worth mentioning, some guys just don’t talk about their love lives at all, maybe not until it becomes more serious. Maybe he didn’t want to talk about her or share he was dating her until it was more official, maybe they actually had some relationship problems and that’s why she wasn’t mentioned?

All of the above are just a few reasons I’ve thought of! It could be none of these are true.

If he’s been a friend of yours for years and you value his friendship, I would just give him some time and space until his relationship cools off a bit. I also wouldn’t make a big deal of him ghosting you, maybe just reach out and try to talk to him as normal occasionally? It’s possible he’s not talking to you as much as well if his gf is jealous of other girls. So I would just play it cool, talk to him as normal and see if he reciprocates? You could confront him if you wanted to and ask him why he’s disappeared, but the problem with that is it could possibly push him away. I think being chill and acting calm is a less risky approach! And if he still doesn’t want to chat, give him time. A good friend will always come back to you :)

I hope that helps!

Xx Tash