Find your freedom

Dancer | Future Doctor | NJ

[tashakristynbee]

You know what’s crazy.

Is how I never lied about what happened right before we even started dating. Before I even considered dating again. You have all the friends. Matter of fact you have all the support. I lost people in my life, people I was friends with. Friends I knew before I even knew you. It’s almost like everyone forgot you forced me and mentally hurt me when I was so vulnerable, fresh after a breakup, and I’m just a girl who cried wolf.

I think that’s what pains me the most.

That I forgave you and fell in love you. That I cared and still care about you so much. I’m the one who stayed silent and now suffers the result because I look like the bad guy for breaking up with you. No one even knew the fact you didn’t support me for leaving NJ when all I wanted was to achieve my dreams of getting my Doctorate. I lost friendships and you win all the praise.

[tashakristynbee]

I am by no means completely healed, and I probably never will be. Pieces of me will always be missing. I still think about you—more than I want to. Some nights, I can’t even sleep. My stomach drops for a split second whenever I hear your name. You’ll always be a part of me, and there will always be a piece of me that loves you.

I hope you know that no one will ever replace the love you gave me. Even now, I’m realizing that I still continue to find myself, give myself grace, and that’s okay. This was the first time in a long time I truly put myself first, doing what would make me happy. I was absolutely in love with you, but I was also so hurt from the pain that I didn’t realize I was settling for comfort instead of being true to myself. I’ve learned that there will be new people to love, and I’m grateful for what life brings my way and who it introduces to me. But it’s still okay to think about you and hope you’re doing okay.

I hope you’re well. Sometimes, I wish we could speak again, but I know that’s probably never going to happen so here’s me rambling through text.

[what-iz-life]

“what’s yours will be yours. No need to rush. No need to feel anxious. All good things take time. And when it does come, your heart will be so grateful. Give it time. Rest your mind. And enjoy the present moments..”

[tashakristynbee]

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if it didn’t go the way that it did. It’s interesting to think about what could’ve been my life if I never left. Would I still be masking the pain you caused me? Would I still be lying to myself that I was truly happy? Feel diminished or traumatized by the fact I couldn’t let the pain go even after years loving you? Would I have been wondering what life be like if I chose me? I was happy, I knew I was happy with you. I thought I was able to get through it and forget it. But yet, I felt like I was missing a huge part of myself. Almost like I didn’t recognize myself after you took a part of me away. Was forgiving you what caused me more loss?

[neckkiss]

Milk and honey “Outlook”

[tashakristynbee]

Appreciating life differently compared to before

[tashakristynbee]

I survived then and I can survive now. It’s all good and better things here on out

[perfectfeelings]

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.”

— Unknown

[tashakristynbee]

I’m full on bawling my eyes out right now.

Change is such a heavy feeling. Following the change, you don’t know if you’re even in the right place. I just gotta trust in the universe and in the path God set for me. I’m on a roller coaster of emotions. Unsure about where I am, yet excited for what’s to come. It just hurts knowing how different my life was over half a year ago. I should be happy I’m at a good place. I’ve been able to prioritize myself, but I can’t help but look back at the times before I moved out on my own. I didn’t expect my life to be the way it is now

[thepersonalquotes]

““Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.” - C.S. Lewis”

—

[thepersonalquotes]

[tashakristynbee]

It’s crazy how people can switch up so quickly. Getting older really does give you the time to realize who really cares about you and is willing to go through thick and thin. Then life lets you understand that people aren’t always genuine and can be fake towards you too.

I need to stop trying to please everyone, but it’s honestly just my genuine desire to make people happy. Unfortunately, now I simply reciprocate what I receive or I barely try in making new friends because I’m over it. I’m done trying

[neckkiss]

[insight-jd]

[tashakristynbee]

Not me crying realizing today is the day of the show and I’m now processing the fact that I’ll be moving to Massachusetts alone for grad school in a month. I’m not ok.

[tashakristynbee]

Is it crazy that nights I stay up or can’t sleep at all I end up just think of the past again?

Oh.. probably just me haha

[tashakristynbee]

I am deeply sorry to the person I was a few years ago. finding myself has been a tough ride, but she’s gradually glowing again.

I hope you’ve been good, truly.

[tashakristynbee]

Itching for more tattoos 😭😭😭

[tashakristynbee]

The amount of women Ive discussed issues of SA and trauma with have been an eye-opening experience for me. I hope for women so be empowered. Hoping that eventually both men and women have a clearer understanding of what it is to be aware, and therefore, finding your friends at the most uncomfortable times to make sure they’re in a safe place. Mostly, to avoid further experiences of sexual harassment, and sexual assault. But also, to have women stop feeling guilty, ashamed, or afraid to speak up. Especially me