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[tashamacmiller]

In the spirit of Halloween (though I hate the shit, but again, we LOVE SHENANIGANS lol), here is a photo dump of my week and weekend. Spirit week, Halloween party at work and Halloween party on the weekend. We were a sloth (my favorite and spirit animal), an apple, a ring master and a mad scientist this week! Had so much fun with my coworkers and My Everything!! I think this is the most fun I've had for a week straight. Thank you boo for being an apple with me! Thank you My Everything for coming with me to the party, I wouldn't want to party with anyone else! 💙💙 (Sidebar, this is the first year I felt......ok about losing Khalil 7 years ago. For some reason, he wouldn't allow me to be sad. Though there was a point where it hit me at work and I fucked up, but for the most part, I was ok. I even skipped out on putting purple in my hair this year. I felt so weird for so many reasons. But as mommy said, I gotta let him rest. He knows I love him and he just wants me to be happy! 💜💙) Also ya girl was feeling SEXYYYYY in her skin this weekend!!! Y'all seeeee that fine assssss?!??!?!?!?! Lol have a SAFE and fun Halloween Y'all! See Y'all in a few months lol 🥰🥰😍😍😘😘😘 https://www.instagram.com/p/CkXzEzFuUfxTQxbS7hv4iIso2J6_Gach1JKxIw0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[tashamacmiller]

This time last year I was in a TOTALLY different mindset! I didn't want to be alive and I felt so guilty about feeling that way because so many people had lost their loved ones. And George Floyd had JUST been murdered. I was in a really dark place and needed time to go out. There are some times when friends and family can help but others when it's just you and God. That's where I was last year. I am grateful for those friends and family who respected me and my boundaries enough to give me the space that I needed. This year I am just so content!!! I woke up in a great ass mood! I am genuinely happy today. I have everything I need. Sure, I could use a house and a million dollars. But I have my necessities. I have gas in my car. I just had lunch so I have food in my belly! I have a job where I feel like I can genuinely grow and it will help me to pursue my career goal of being a medical examiner. (Though I met some amazing people at my previous job, whom I see being in my life for a long time, I didn't feel like there was much growing to be done and that's ok). I ALSO PASSED MY EXAM! I have a mom who bought me breakfast this morning and who just makes my whole life better!! I have a grandma who STAY TRYNA PLAY ME but I would stop a moving train for!! I have siblings who I wanna throw out the window but I'd run downstairs to catch them before they fall lol I have friends who, although some may be far, have my back and my best interests at heart!! They always make sure I'm good. And they are patient with me when I mess up like when I don't communicate like I should! And yes my depression is still there lurking in the back of mind, telling me that I have all these problems so I shouldn't be happy. But idk something about this year that just feels different!! I'm in a different space mentally and emotionally. I'm learning to take care of me. I started doing my own hair. Gonna learn makeup next. Reading more again and gonna start coloring again!! I say all this to say "Tasha, I am proud of how far you've come and though you're terrified about the future, for today we're content! Happy Tasha Appreciation Day" 🥰🥰🥰💙💙💙 #WeHadToWearTheDoryScrubsToday #Happy27thToMe https://www.instagram.com/p/CP_3bwgn2hbukj2Qkadf8rs3gMbJl01nRsDdsg0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[tashamacmiller]

@lwiselqew @livingontheinsidewithdemons @sayed-yaqoob @quochaphihanna @crazycoffeetalk-blog 

Ray-Ban Sunglasses

[tashamacmiller]

@lwiselqew @livingontheinsidewithdemons @sayed-yaqoob @quochaphihanna @crazycoffeetalk-blog 

Ray-Ban Sunglasses

[tashamacmiller]

When your best friends are just about done with your shit 😂😂 #FreeTheCheeks #FreeTheCheeks2021 #ImHappyCuzIGotThat2G #GotThatJohnsonAndJohnson #SoItsNotFully5Glol #IDidMyPartLol #WhenAmIGettingMySuperpowerstho? #ImFreeingThemCheeks #WhyIAmLikeThis 😂😂😂😂😅😅😅 #WeNEVERGrowingUp #hashtags 😂😂😂😂 ok I'm done now lol https://www.instagram.com/p/CPEo9X7n_dRB9yU-lvy2KJcMC-tEDheno7NwyU0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[tashamacmiller]

When your lovely lady comes back after going home for like a month and now you don't know how to act lol but nah for real!! These past few weeks were hell without her 😢🥺 I really am a momma's girl! 😁😁😁 I missed her sooooo much!! (Don't tell her though lol) idk how ima survive when I finally leave the nest. I'd probably be at her house everyday lol but excuse me while I go tear up some beef patties and banana chips and big foot and mango sweetie lol 😆😂😅🤣😋 https://www.instagram.com/p/CNlKF84Hkor6LByDY9-X3s12qHh14zKYcvDs7I0/?igshid=f7s6yz24k5a3

[tashamacmiller]

This one kinda hit WAAAYYYY too close to home 🥺😔 #3amfeels #IShouldTryGoingBackToSleep https://www.instagram.com/p/CNJ46MknSuVnPaWsyN908s5osK2bldkaspeXcg0/?igshid=1jk5nllhlvpi5

[tashamacmiller]

So I'm in a pissy mood ever since I left work, right? And I had to stop at Family Dollar to get some stuff. While I was in there I saw these bunnies on sale for $5 so I decided you know what?? We gonna buy it! I told the cashier that's why I'm buying it and she laughed and said that she's gonna try that when she's in a bad mood. Then I asked her to name him. Say hello to Bengie everyone 😁😁 (I gave away almost half of my teddy bear collection last year so I need to reup lol that's what I'm telling myself 😂😂) https://www.instagram.com/p/CMBHYMmnn6iogr0AoAWfQNnQ2im5FMvvzX_HkQ0/?igshid=1anfem9x4duvs

[tashamacmiller]

50 years around the sun, and wishing you 50 more!!! Happy birthday Mom!!!! We love you soooooo much!!!! You are the anchor for this crazy family! As your only daughter (and eldest child nearby) I was told that I had to give you a party, but that's impossible in this Covid era. So maybe when it's been 3/4 of a century instead 1/2 lol so ONLY 25 years!! 😂😂 but on a real though!! You are the best mom that a child could ever ask for!! You are my rock and my biggest supporter!! That smile on my face is because I have a wonderful mom like you in my life!! I love you with all my heart and I pray God continues to bless you like he blessed me by giving me you. #MyPainInTheButtPisces #MyLovelyLady 💙💙💙🎊🎊🎊🥰🥰🥰 (Sidenote: y'all see all those personality pics though?? 😂😂😂 I freaking love my family!! We're so silly. And grandma is just COMPLETELY over it 😂😂😂) https://www.instagram.com/p/CL2jLL7nI_gFf7UqSa5Q3xyY0fzHIbplRZxIUg0/?igshid=10xuo6khgd0g7

[tashamacmiller]

So I decided i wanted to bake a cake right? Why?? No fucking clue lol but long story short, I ended up with 2 two layer cakes. So I'm like that's too much cake for my family!! So then I remembered that we can share stuff at work. So I brought one to work. I made a lil note to explain what's inside and stuff. Now tell me why one of my coworkers came up to me and said "hey Tasha, your cake was delicious but I did a lil modification to your recipe" and hands me a note of what ingredients I should put in each layer 😂😂😂🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ Bruhhh!!!! This is what happens when you work at a toxicology lab and all your coworkers are crazy lmao the things they come up with?? Fucking priceless 😂😂😂 also he asked me if I "spiked" the cake and that he wouldn't tell anyone if I did!! 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤣🤣🤣 NO I DIDN'T SPIKE THE CAKE!!! 😂🤣😭😫😅 https://www.instagram.com/p/CK-KSdFnXd-DlNqxyxTdDyJwpsXPBnxhABAEN80/?igshid=1678nccl8f4fh

[emotionalwords]

[tashamacmiller]

Sigh

[tashamacmiller]

Did my hair myself for the first time and I. Am. In. Love. Nothing to see here, just your very own Storm 🤍🤍 I like this Tasha that I'm becoming. Independent. Daring. More confident. I love me. I'm beautiful. I've come to that conclusion because every colour I've tried I've looked great in. An ugly person couldn't do that so 🤷🏾‍♀️ All this time I thought I was ugly but doing this for myself BY MYSELF has done a number on my self esteem. It may seem small but this was HUGE to ME. Sidenote: it's SUPPOSED to be grey but it doesn't look fully grey. I like the hint of whatever color is tryna come through lol #morestormafterthewinterstorm #cornyiknow #lol https://www.instagram.com/p/CJEnOA5HIm6Jnb1RocJ-G6PgGytU9Kg9Nj6j1I0/?igshid=1if6zsoidy340

[tashamacmiller]

What 2020 has thought me.....Happy Monday. Be kind to one another this week 💜 https://www.instagram.com/p/CJDX7mnHqCDIcsF8jnZjsTCK4QxV259rpYLTwU0/?igshid=1v15hen82xao3

[tashamacmiller]

This just made my WWWHHHHOOOOOLLLLLLEEEE night!!! But on a real though, y'all see all this hating???? A COOKIE???? A COOKIE MOM??? REALLY???????? then she's gonna talk about not going on any corner to send me to medical school????!!! Like what????!!! 😂😂😂😂 excuse me young lady???!!! But seriously, thank you for being my rock, my biggest fan, my cheerleader, my late night doing homework buddy, my motivator, my shoulder to cry on, the voice in my ear telling me to go on when I was ready to give up. If you look closely you'll see your name too! Thank you my lovely lady!! 😍 (sidenote: hopefully those dreams where it seems like I didn't graduate will FINALLY stop 😫😫 I'm proud of us, Tasha!! WE DDDIIIIIIDDDD IIITTTT!!!! 😁😁💜💜💙💙 and now we have PROOF!!!!) https://www.instagram.com/p/CH31JzVH5KwMHSM36CJzSaQg82HAGK_0wxiBXM0/?igshid=vwg6nfpkpybu

[tashamacmiller]

So about a week ago I asked my mommy for a simple favor and she MORE THAN EXCEEDED my expectations!!! She is NOT, I repeat, NOT!!! A hairdresser! But idk man, I'm convinced that mothers are superhuman!! I keep asking them what school or classes they attend when they become mothers but they keep hiding their secret! Like they wear many hats! They are doctors, chefs, hairdressers, teachers, nurses, therapists, managers, just about every title you can think of! They're superhuman, I'm telling you!! And I am so grateful for my lovely lady!! Like you don't understand man! I am in love with this hair and have even more love for my lovely lady (didn't think it was possible to gain more love than I already have for her but here we are lol). I was also told not to tell anyone who did my hair cuz she isn't doing anyone else's lol but I just couldn't hide the appreciation I have for it!! So sorry guys, her baby girl is her only client! But yeah I just wanted to publicly thank her and show my love and adoration for her! I love you mommy! Thank you again 💓 💖 😍😘 https://www.instagram.com/p/CHm61gqHDyIytOrEZSDqjHzP_hR1shhvjnVHPk0/?igshid=nrlq4q87ywfc

[tashamacmiller]

My forever voting buddy! Polling site was open at 6am, we were in the line since 5:55am! Our voices counted! (at Far Rockaway, Queens) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHIOw7SnuA5pA6pmj1mKZv0dv10mMpSpy_-e-A0/?igshid=wpymc3l6lz3a

[tashamacmiller]

Exactly five years ago today at 1:42 pm, my heart was shattered in a million pieces. Since then I have not been able to love as deeply as I did before. My heart was taken by this little trooper that I was not able to meet. 5 years later and it still hurts like hell. Five years later and I sometimes still wish that I had died with you that day. Five years later and most days I have to actively remind myself that others love me so I shouldn't end it all. 5 years later and I can still feel your presence at times. Five years later and I still wish I could feel you moving around in my womb. I still feel as if I failed you because my body couldn't keep you safe. The very same thing that was supposed to keep you safe was the very same thing killing you. But through it all you were still there. You came at a time when i DESPERATELY needed you. Even though you were not planned, you were wanted. There were so many plans being made by everyone. Even though your parents were completely terrified, our village was ready. Your aunts, uncles, grandparents and great grandparents were waiting patiently to meet you on April 04, 2016. But you were only meant to grow in me for 17 weeks. The world didn't get the privilege of seeing those beautiful eyes. Of hearing that joyful laugh. Of watching you grow into the amazing human I know you would have been. I don't know why but it's hitting me really hard this year. It's been 5 years and one would think that the pain eases as the years go by. Some would even say that I should get over it by now. That therapy should have "fixed" me by now. I agree. And there are days where I seem to forget. But only for a brief moment. Then something or someone reminds me of the fact that i lost out on being a mom. I'm still your mom but I never got the chance to actually put you to sleep or change your diapers or read you bedtime stories or take you to preschool. I was terrified, but I was ready. But as always, God had His own plans. And even though I don't know if I will ever bear children, I'll keep going on because I have you (Khalil Alexander Turner Carroll) to make proud. I'll do everything in my powers to do just that. Mommy loves you 💜 https://www.instagram.com/p/CG4JvzKnlwj6SalmlKTfSV3yGpJRMua0ExXGRI0/?igshid=tcx4e02cipbx