i&#x27;m on a train but there&#x27;s no one at the helm

@tateatkinson

"tate..." andrew had shouted when he had seen the figure coming out of some store. "wait up a second." he said as he picked up the pace just a little to catch up with the man. "i have been meaning to stop by to talk." he admitted. "i really just didnt know where to find you, but i wanted to thank you for coming by a couple weeks ago.. you didnt have to but you did and it was nice to get some feedback on the bullshit i was going through."

#( conversations. )#( m; tate )#( c; tate )

All Tate really knew is he needed something called throw pillows. Four of them, in spite of his preference for odd numbers. And the four of them, according to Melli, need to match without being too matchy.

So basically, he knew fuck all and he was sure that frustration was carrying over into his general demeanor, even when Tate stopped him as he came out of the store. What store? He didn't know.

"Here and now is fine," he said by way of greeting. "I should get you my number so you can text me if you want to do it again, though." He cast a slightly dirty look at the store. "Don't think I'll be frequenting this one." He sighed and directed his attention to his friend, question mark included. Friend? He didn't know.

"You're welcome. Things any better, or still working through it?"

joaquinn loved food there wasn't really much that he came across that he didnt like. he gave the man a nod, "i could go for some oysters." he confessed as he looked at the direction the man had been focusing. turning into the parking lot and parking. "you know what i never understood...they say that oysters are a aphrodisiac but i do not feel sexy after eating like twenty of them." he chuckled. "i must be doing something wrong."

#( conversations. )#( m; joaquinn )#( c; joaquinn )

Tate chuckled, ready to concede the point but actually also having really weird insight into this. "You know, I actually looked into this at some point because I feel the same way. There's all kinds of nutritional information that's really boring, but there's also a rumor that Casanova ate like fifty oysters a day or something. That was a little more interesting to me, because I don't know how you chuck down fifty oysters without getting bored. Or throwing up."

evangelinemorris

Evie drew back ever so slightly at his question and her brow quirked. "Sometimes. I usually do photosynthesis. You don't do that?" she joked. She gave him one more peck and pulled back altogether.

Of course there was a bangers and mash joke in there, but fatigue and hunger clouded her mind.

"I don't think you'd ever deny me the opportunity to make a sex joke...literally ever," she pointed out. "But forgive me while I learn how to manage my time properly so I can actually give you the attention you need. Nay, deserve."

#( conversations. )#( m; evie )#( c; evie )

Knowing her the way he did, Tate should've been prepared for her off-hand comment in some way. He wasn't, though, and he stuttered out a surprised little laugh at her. "You have to be green to do photosynthesis," he fumbled. He'd put his brain through a lot since he'd taken any kind of a biology class, but he was at least partly sure that was correct. "So no, that's not my go-to. It would be handy, though."

He rubbed his hands over her arms, just a brief up-down-up-down, soaking in the warmth and her he could get before he had to go back to the stove. "I mean I won't, but now it's the low-hanging fruit because I pointed it out." He smiled. "Take your shoes off, sip on your whiskey, and tell me about your day. Unless you want a shower or something before you eat."

andrew wasn't even sure why he had been so open and honest with tate. something about him sitting in front of him just reminded him how easy it once way to talk to him, to be close to him. for a brief moment he had even forgotten what had happened once upon a time and why he had harbored such a grudge all over the years. the man hadnt even admitted it to more than maybe three people thus far and here he was just confessing it to a man he hadnt seen in years.

things had been hell for them over the years. tate had known about a little of it when they were younger adults. andrew had really fucked up when he had gotten so close to aly's father and did everything the man had asked of him. he had put his wife last and it damaged her and them over the years. when she had slept with tate it wasnt like he was the only one she was sleeping with. she had numerous lovers and right in front of drew's face. he had just went with it over the years. regardless he knew why she did what she did and he blamed no one but himself. it was his fault after all.

it had only gotten worse over the years and suddenly drew assumed he could just fix it by moving them away from everything. it didn't work like that and it had only blew up in his face and caused his wife to leave him. of course they werent telling people openly. she still needed her money and he needed her by his side for events while he was trying to take on office.

"i spent half of my life with her. half of my life..." he repeated. "i have no idea who andrew even is without aly." it was the truth. he had never felt so lost before in his life. when he asked him how he was coping all andrew could do was let out a laugh. cope. drew hadnt even began to try to cope with losing such an important person in his life. "acting like i am 21 again.." he had admitted softly as he shook his head. "drinking..sleeping around. you know for like 17 years i hadnt fucked anyone asides aly." he confessed, though he wasnt really sure if the timeline was completely right but he did know he was like 16 or 17 when he had met his wife and began dating her. "i am not coping like a hayes should." he admitted.

#divorce tw #grief tw #addiction tw #( conversastions. )#( m; drew )#( c; drew )

It was safe to say this was the last thing Tate had expected when he'd set the appointment and come to Drew's office. He didn't know how to react or what to say. The questions he'd asked had come straight from a therapist in what now felt like another life, and only when he'd gotten to the point he'd even mentioned a breakup. It had taken a while to get to that point when he was in rehab. He'd never had to process anything quite the way Drew was being forced to do it now. And it sounded to him like Drew wasn't processing it in any kind of a constructive way.

Especially when Drew laughed at the question. Tate had to actively try not to bristle or roll his eyes.

"Well, the thing about being 'a Hayes' is bullshit coming from your dad," he pointed out, front-loading it with irritation. "Right? Drinking and sleeping around is probably part of the process. And no one can tell you what the entire process should look like. There's no one-size-fits-all for this." Although there were obviously a lot of differences, it was relatable. "Maybe, you know, sometime soon you could consider adding something else to the process. But right now it sounds to me like you're still grieving. And half your life is a long time, so it might be this way for a while. But it won't be this way forever. All you have to do is hold on, one hour at a time, until you get through a day. And then one day at a time until you get through two days. You'll find bits and pieces of yourself along the way. And I only know any of this because I fumbled like shit through a similar process and I definitely didn't stick the landing. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm still floating."

evangelinemorris

Time was seemingly on their side for the first time ever. There wasn't a limit, such as her school or her visa, it was a matter of time management by now. Once her largest project was finished, Evie was now the proud owner of a few more hours in a day.

Being around Tate was easy. Falling into that --falling into him-- still felt natural. The years spent apart turned them into a different person and he was still the most intimate stranger. She still knew so much but she still had so much to learn.

Admittedly, Evie hadn't eaten since 10AM after working through lunch and her snack had been a handful of dark chocolate-covered pretzels. The smell of dinner cooking made her stomach snarl with hunger. "I really don't care what you're making, but it does smell good. I'll make the Boston Tea Party jokes later," she informed him and reached up to peck him again. "Thank you."

#( conversations. )#( m; evie )#( c; evie )

He narrowly curbed the urge to turn the second kiss, the one she started, into something more. They were pressed together enough he could feel her stomach against his and he raised an eyebrow at her. While he definitely wasn't going to try to distract her from eating if she was that hungry, he still had to point something out.

"Do you ever actually take a lunch break?" He asked. "Because you survived for a long time without me here to cook for you, but sometimes I'm not sure how." He leaned in and stole another kiss, but this one was his lips and her cheek.

"Make all the jokes you want," he teased. "But you missed your opportunity to make bangers sound dirty. Or mash."

lenakaplan

The perks of owning two places in separate cities meant Lena always had a chance to come and go as she pleased. With her home in South Coast, Lena again had the impulsive desire to make it more inviting, but the way it was used it may as well have been a hotel. Too livable and she'd stay. And with that her mood shifted to hunger in a desperate need for a croissant and a cappuccino. Locking her door, Lena had been entirely focused on her phone when a voice snapped her out of her trance, face to face with someone from her own past. "Wha--" At a momentary loss for words from the overall what a small world! shock, Lena rolled her eyes and laughed when Tate continued.

"Shut up, Tater Tot and c'mere!" Without giving him the option to resist, she wrapped her arms around him in a tight squeeze. A second ticked by and Lena gasped and pulled herself away to stare at him in scandalous shock. "Am I catching you on a walk of shame?" The immediate thought, no other scenarios. "Wanna make a second one?" is asked with a flirtatious tone and a waggle of brows. Lighthearted and open to the idea but more than fine if he declined.

#( conversations. )#( m; lena )#( c; lena )#// let's pretend that was a hug instead of a kiss.#// my hugging gifs with him are surprisingly limited

Once he really saw her face, heard her voice, and heard the nickname only she'd ever used (by some small miracle), it was easy enough to place Lena. The context where they were both sober was a little disorienting. Then again, he didn't really know she was sober. He just knew, as he hugged her, she didn't smell like she'd been somewhere unsobering.

He stepped back, just a little, and gave a small laugh. "No," he argued. He looked down at himself, dressed in the best business casual he could manage, but just because it was required. "These are not last night's clothes. I guess going to work is a walk of dread or something, though." He waggled his eyebrows back at her, an echo of her gesture. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm... uh... seeing someone. This is her place. I could be persuaded to blow off a staff meeting though. They're wildly boring and you, if memory serves, are not."

joaquinn laughed at the man's answer, "as long as i dont have to worry about trying to rush you to safety or whatever because i dont have the slightest idea how to do cpr." he confessed. "yeah those bigger cities give you a lot more choices, this town seems a little smaller.. ok a lot smaller and im not so sure we are going to find greek. if we dont do you have a preference maybe something more common?"

#( conversations. )#( m; joaquinn )#( c; joaquinn )

Tate shook his head. "No, nothing like that." His eyes darted around, and only found agreement. "True. I like that it's smaller though. Easier to stay out of trouble, for sure." He shrugged. He was really not a picky eater. He fumbled a bit until his eyes landed on Sea n Sips. "How do you feel about oysters?"

#( headphones. )

joaquinn shook his head when the man asked if he had any allergies. "not that i have came across in the last 37 years." he said with a little laugh, "how about yourself? anything we should avoid while heading into town looking for some grub? i am sure there is a lot of nice places around here. i have been really wanting some greek food though."

#( conversations. )#( m; joaquinn )#( c; joaquinn )

Tate chuckled. "Um, nothing that's a formal allergy, really, but there are probably plenty of things that mess me up and a couple that have tried to kill me. I should stay far, far away from those." He slid his hands over his legs, a slightly nervous gesture he wasn't sure he could explain when he wasn't feeling that nervous. "I could go for Greek food. It's not a staple or anything, but I'm not that picky. I grew up in Los Angeles so I swear there was one of everything available somewhere close by."

this was strange for andrew. asides the charity event he wasn't even sure the last time he had seen tate face to face. both of the men were grown now into respectable adults. it was much different than when they were kids and andrew needed to understand that things changed and people grew up. hell aly had left him anyways did it really matter that when they were stupid kids his best friend had slept with her? it all seemed fairly silly to have held on to a grudge that long. it all felt pretty silly when he actually sat and thought about it now.

andrew couldn't help but let out a soft laugh, their little group of friends always had a great and wild time together. it was memories he would never forget or regret. some of the best times in his life happened when he was in college with his friends. they were his true family. sure they all had took it a bit overboard towards the end and his brother in law had even lost his life. though that was no ones fault but michael's and drew couldnt blame anyone for that. addition was a real thing and people made very irresponsible choices on them. lord knows he had his own fair share before.

when tate had asked him how he was feeling now all drew could do was let out a soft sigh as he scratched the side of his head. "i don't know." he had admitted. he hadn't really came to terms with his wife leaving him. it was harder than he had expected and telling someone he had been so upset with for so many years felt so wrong. though all he wanted to do was tell tate. having him sit in front of him only brought back the memories of how close to two boys once were before everything. "i think my wife life... for good." he pointed out. he knew tate knew all about how aly would sleep around and the two had their fair share of issues but at the end of the day his wife and him were always on each others side when it came down to it.. now she was gone. "i-" he paused and shook his head. "i don't know how i am anymore, tate." he confessed a little softer. "i don't know what i even am without her. "

#( conversations. )#( m; drew )#( c; drew )

Tate wasn't fully expecting Drew's admissions, both to not knowing how he was doing and second to the idea that Aly had left him. It hadn't been that long since he'd seen Aly, had it? She'd been just as cantankerous as ever, but she hadn't seemed restless or miserable in any kind of out of character sort of way.

On second thought, though, it had been months. Tate knew as well as anyone that it only took a moment or two for everything to change. That usually only applied to things changing for the worse, though. It seemed to take forever for anything to get better.

"You were with her for a long time," he quipped, trying to stay neutral. What was he going to do, offer advice? He had no idea what that would be like. He'd absolutely tanked things with Evie, sure, but they'd been together a fraction of the time and he hadn't been in his right mind for any of it.

"What are you doing to try to cope? Like, I mean, how are you spending your time?"

who: closed | @lenakaplan where: outside evie and lena's homes when: wednesday morning

It wasn't the first or last time Tate tried to close the door quietly as he left. And, for not the first or last time, he realized how stupid it was. Evie had already left for work. Marlo had claimed the one spot she wasn't supposed to be laying in and, since they were getting along okay, he let her. There was absolutely no reason for him not to just pull the door closed and lock it. And yet, he guided it so the only sound was the snick of the lock when he twisted it.

He retrieved his travel mug from the windowsill and turned, only then to realize he wasn't alone as he reached what he could only hope was the height of his dumbassery for the day.

"Hi, let me get out of your....." he trailed, studying her face and trying to place it for a moment before giving up. He could recognize the fact his memory was a little shittier after all he'd put his brain through. "Sorry, do I know you from somewhere? You look really familiar."

#( conversations. )#( m; lena )#( c; lena )

who: closed | @evangelinemorris when: monday night where: tate's place

Being patient wasn't the worst thing he'd ever done, honestly. It had given him plenty of time, both on his own and in his biweekly therapy sessions, to reflect on exactly what he was doing and describe what he wanted. There had been a lot of self-evaluation, accountability, and all the other buzzwords mental health professionals tended to use that would discourage leaping before looking. He actually, at this stage of time and the game and his life, appreciated it.

So it was easy to change out of his work clothes and cook a simple meal (recipe tonight courtesy of his dad, who might've been Evie's second biggest fan.)

"Bangers and Mash," he explained as she entered with the key he had given her at some point. He diverted from his stirring to gesture to the glass of whiskey he'd poured for her already. "Mostly just so I could watch you try to withhold the obvious comment and then eventually fail." The words were said with a smile and punctuated with a kiss, though, so that had to count for something, right?

#( conversations. )#( m; evie )#( c; evie )

@tateatkinson cont on new blog

oddly enough being in cars with strangers seem to be something common for joaquinn. then again he liked to believe that he didn't know a stranger. he preferred to get to know as many people as he could for his business. with a soft chuckle he shook his head. "it's alright.. i have been here for months myself and i still seem to get myself lost." he confessed. "since we clearly arent finding this place do you have any recommendations of some lunch that we may find?"

#( conversations. )#( m; joaquinn )#( c; joaquinn )

Tate chuckled a little, eyes sweeping around as soon as the question was posed. This was the kind of financial advising he liked the best, informal and practical with someone who was an everyday sort of guy.

“Um. Whatever the next place we see on this side of the road is. Any allergies or major aversions I should be aware of?”

andrew wasn't so sure why he was making such a big deal in his head over all of this. it was just tate. one man that once upon a time he would have even called the many one of his closest friends. it had been years since the two had their falling out and drew figured it was about time to talk about it. the man didn't want to live each day concerned that his whole day would be ruined if he had seen tate. they were young and they were stupid and what happened surely had to be a mistake, or at least drew hoped so.

andrew had finally made the choice to sit as he folded his arms over his desk and did his best to try to look relex. however relaxing came hard for andrew to begin with. it was something he had always struggled with but he was doing his best to pretend, something he was good at.

before andrew could even open his mouth to say something tate had beat him to it. a confession he wasn;t expecting to hear but thankful that he did. maybe this conversation would go a lot smoother than how he had expected it to. letting the words sink in. it was something he had thought about for a long time and although when he was younger he had thought of cruel things to say back.. to tell him he didn't want his apologize and that it wasnt okay. however as he listened to the man's words none of those things felt right.

instead drew nodded, "Thank you..." was all he said at first though it was a heartfelt thank you. "i have to admit i have seem far longer than i want to tell you thinking of you saying that.. and meaning it." he shook his head and rubbed his hands over his face. "that means a lot. i have held a lot of emotions with me through my adulthood over it and it wasnt even all your fault." he pointed out. "we were young and stupid and made plenty of mistakes didnt we?"

#( conversations. )#( m; drew )#( c; drew )

It wasn’t as hard as Tate would’ve thought to keep his face neutral as he looked at Drew. It had been years since they’d been friends and, even before, there had been buffers in both Aly and Michael. Their specific friendship had been a little more peripheral. That distance alone kept him from having to work much just to listen.

He wasn’t so sure Drew understood the difference in weights of mistakes, though. Because Tate had also had to uncover the things he had done while he was out of his mind, a painful process of discovery that was a unique torture and came with a specific kind of disbelief and regret. It made those things that weren’t active, conscious choices even more difficult to apologize for.

“Yeah, we certainly did,” he agreed, bypassing all his baggage. “Most of the time I’m pretty sure I’ll never completely recover.” And that was just speaking emotionally, not even including ongoing physical challenges he’d have from being so hard on his body. He sighed. “Honestly, most of the time I’m pretty sure I’ll never know or remember everything and it’ll just keep coming back to haunt me. I did more than my fair share of stupid shit, and there’s no excuse.” He eyed Drew for a moment, a hesitation, but he wound up asking anyway. “How are you now?”

santiagosarto

open cap at 3

joaquinn sighed as he looked around at the road signs before finally pulling over in a parking lot of a grocery store. "look not to say i told you so but- maybe not using our gps to find this place was a terrible idea." he admitted. "i am fairly sure we are lost.. no i KNOW we are lost."

#( conversations. )#( m; joaquinn )#( c; joaquinn )

Tate wasn't entirely sure how he'd even found himself in the car with someone he barely knew, but he could confirm it wasn't part of a bad drug deal. That's all he really needed to know to continue. "You're right, mate. My apologies. I thought I'd be able to find it because I've lived here for months without getting lost. What's next then?"

andrew had been so caught up in his work over the past month that nothing else had filled his mind. the issues with his wife were far from his mind with how busy he had been. he hadn't even thought about the event where he had gotten drunk, ran into tate and made a fool of himself. though his mind had came right back to the man and all the memories that came with him when his assistant had told him that he had a meeting friday with someone named tate. of course the man had considered canceling or pretending like he was sick or some other way to get out of it.. though he knew if the two were living in the same town they would be unavoidable. it made more sense for the men to hash out their issues from the past and move forward.

drew had been doing his best to try to move on from his past anyways. he was trying to start over in his life and marriage. the move to half moon by though didnt bring him the peace in that as he had once hoped. it seemed like things had only gotten more complicated since he had moved in the small town. it was nice to be around people who he could grow close to and trust but it came with it's own new set of problems.

his morning at work had been scattered, all he could think about was the man coming to his office. drew really didnt think that tate would take the step to set up a appointment with him. it was just a way for drew to be a dick to him that night at the party. they could have met anywhere really though when his assistant came in to let him know his client was there he had gave her a smile and a nod letting her know to bring him back.

andrew had scooted away from his desk and stood but then felt like maybe that would seem a little intimidating or aggressive and that wasnt what he wanted. however when he went to sit he had thought that maybe that came off as too asshole-ish. he was sitting and standing when the woman had let tate into the office and paused as he looked up. god he really had to have looked like a dumbass. instead he sighed and took a seat finally. "tate.. hey come on in and shut the door if you dont mind."