naturally

Tatum O'Niell. Eighteen. Slytherin. -- And I wasn't all the things I tried to make believe I was.

[addisonmonroe]

Hi, baby. That was encouraging, and Addison perked up, smiling hesitantly back at Tatum. “Do you wanna sit down?” she said, scooting over to make room on the couch for Tatum. In Addison’s mind there was little point in beating around the bush though, and she kept going, getting her words out before Tatum even had a chance to sit down. “I’m really sorry, Tatum. I know how important doing this on your own terms is for you,” she said, and then after another moment, she asked the question she’d been worrying over in her mind all afternoon – “Do you think any of them realized what happened?” That would be the end of them if so, she was almost positive. Tatum sat down beside her throughout the course of her rambling, and Addison narrowly resisted the urge to take the other girl’s hand or worse, curl up against her side entirely. She was too used to automatic contact between them clearly, and that had been the exact problem today.

[tatumoh-blog]

The brunette sighed inaudibly, listening intently as Addison rambled off her worries and apologies. She walked towards her girlfriend silently, allowing the red haired girl to get everything out before talking herself. As she did this, Tatum’s guilt grew and grew before it took over her entire body. The girl took a place beside Addison, referring back to old habits and reaching out for her smaller partner. First, the brunette tucked a few strands of red hair behind Addison’s ear, leaning forward to press a short kiss to her forehead. “It’s ok,” she spoke against the other girl’s pale skin. “I didn’t... I didn’t have to be so rude.” she shook her head. “No one noticed, love,” she then said, trying to convince Addison and even herself. No one had mentioned anything, so no news was good news in her book. Tatum could feel herself becoming lighter in Addison’s presence. The red haired girl had a way of doing that to her, making her feel as though nothing was wrong in the world-- especially when she was with her. Reaching out once more, Tatum wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, allowing her familiar scent to fill her nostrils and wash the pain away. “It won’t be like this for much longer, OK? I fucking promise.” Tatum nodded along with her words. “I just... need some time, to like, figure out how to say everything, y’know? I’m just, I’m so sorry, Ad.” 

[addisonmonroe]

Addison Monroe’s least favorite emotion was guilt. While she did her best to avoid most negative emotions, at least she could deal with the rest of them when they came up. She wasn’t afraid to feel bad, but guilt wasn’t one of those things you could process alone. It meant you had wronged someone else, and the only way to get through it was to hope that they could forgive you. She bit down on her lower lip for a moment, staring at the wall that would turn into the Room of Requirement, and hoped Tatum would be able to forgive her. She hadn’t meant to nearly out Tatum in the hallway, but…Addison knew that didn’t matter. Not when she’d promised her girlfriend she’d keep the very fact that they were girlfriends a secret. Addison took a deep breath and paced, thinking very hard of their secret hideout, accessible to only Addison and Tatum, until the door appeared in front of her. It was empty at the moment, meaning Tatum wasn’t here yet, or that she’d changed her mind about coming, and Addison settled down on one of the couches to wait. It wasn’t nearly as cozy or comforting here without Tatum beside her, and Addison’s chin dropped into her hand, as she stared at the door and waited.

[tatumoh-blog]

Tatum was teetering between fear and shame as she made her way to meet with Addison. Fear was because of what had happened earlier that day, when her girlfriend decided to rush up to her in the hallway; fear was because she didn’t know what people would think, or how they would react, especially know Tatum. She wasn’t even that touchy-feely with her friends, let alone a random girl in her herbology class. Shame was because of how she treated Addison, the girl she was most definitely falling in love with. Tatum loved her sweet scent, how soft her lips were, how smooth her skin was under her touch; loved how innocent her laugh was, but how dirty her smirk could be. She was ashamed how how she handled the situation, and that was why she asked Addison to meet her in the Room of Requirement. Tatum passed back and forth, and back and forth again, allowing her mind to only revolve around their room-- which was hard, because all she could think about was Addison. Once the door finally appeared she hurried her way inside, and when spotting her girlfriend seated upon the couch she signed with relief. “Hi, baby.” she offered up with a small smile. 

[tatumoh-blog]

addisonmonroe:

Addison realized her mistake a second too late, and her good mood came crashing down as Tatum tore her arm back and away from Addison’s reach. She froze for a moment, ten thousand thoughts and feelings rushing through her mind. The most prevalent feeling was guilt though. She’d promised Tatum that she would keep this a secret, and Addison had meant that promise. She knew how important it was to come out on your terms, and she would never try to take that away from her girlfriend. It was just that she’d…momentarily forgotten they were a secret in her excitement. Her gut instinct had been to reach out to Tatum and share that excitement with her, and normally that wouldn’t be a bad thing, but timing was everything clearly. 

Good intentions or no this was enough to ruin things for Tatum though, and Addison bit her lip, trying not to panic, even as her eyes prickled uncomfortably and her throat closed up. Aside from the fear that Tatum would be hurt, there was the underlying anxiety that Tatum would hate her now. She certainly seemed mad enough at the moment. The butterflies she usually felt around Tatum were different right now, making her feel nauseous rather than light-hearted, and Addison needed to fix this.

“Sorry, I just…I’m used to being really touchy feel-y with my friends. I didn’t realize you didn’t like it,” she said, landing on a hopefully adequate lie and saying it loud enough for anyone around them to hear. It was hard to speak up when she felt like whispering, as she normally did when feeling this mixed up, but she wanted to make sure anyone nearby would hear her excuse. It wasn’t fully a lie either: she actually was used to holding her friends hands and cuddling them, expressing her affection through any tactile means she could. But Tatum wasn’t just a friend, and Addison had to admit to herself that it stung to pretend she didn’t feel the way she did for Tatum.

Tatum wasn’t used to feeling guilty, seeing as she was fairly confident in herself and her actions. Now that Addison had made her way into her life, that seemed to change. Now Tatum’s gut twisted uncomfortably, unable to escape the knowledge that she was at fault for Addison’s seemingly broken expression. She never considered herself a bully, but she seemed to be beating down her girlfriend’s attitude as if she were. 

She had to push through this, though; that was the only thing she could tell herself to make the pain go away. Tatum knew the pain would be worth it in the end, as if living two different lives was the current goal. Eventually she wouldn’t have to, she reminded herself; soon she’d have the confidence and the power to come out and love Addison reasonably in public. That was where this was headed. Just, not right now. 

“Whatever, freak.” she spit through her teeth, averting her eyes from the smaller girl to anything else around her. People didn’t really seem to care about either of them, but if there was something Tatum was sure of it was that someone had seen them, and someone was watching them oddly because why would Addison Monroe and Tatum O’Niell be friends? The brunette locked her eyes on a certain spot on the wall just above the top of Addison’s head to get through this. 

Almost as easily as she she made everything seem, Tatum turned her back to the other girl, swallowing the lump in her throat as she drove herself forward. Now, even more than before, that nap seemed like a blessing. 

[tatumoh-blog]

addisonmonroe:

During crowded passing periods like this one Addison normally walked through the hallways carefully, trying to stay out of everyone else’s way and avoiding bumping into anyone or having anyone bump into her. She couldn’t help but move faster than normal today though, more than just a slight skip in her step as she headed back towards her common room. It was times like this that she missed cell phones and other muggle ways of communication. It would be so easy to just text Sera and tell her that Hermione Granger was going to be a guest lecturer for the school’s Muggle Studies class, but she’d have to settle for face to face communication for now.

Being a Muggleborn, Addison might not actively take the class, but she often helped the teacher keep up with the more current and nuanced aspects of muggle culture, and that meant she could come see the lecture. And more to the point, the Hermione Granger that both she and Sera looked up to and yes, had a bit of a crush on, would be at Hogwarts again. And they could see her speak, and maybe even meet her. Addison couldn’t wait to see Sera’s face when she told her.

As Addison passed by one of the classrooms though, she saw another familiar face. Addison immediately decided to take a brief detour, and changed directions in order to share the news with her girlfriend. Tatum would probably be excited to hear the news too  — Hermione Granger was, after all, practically a legend in the wizarding world for working with Harry Potter to stop Voldemort. “Tatum!” Addison called as she approached the other girl, briefly forgetting in her excitement that they weren’t supposed to do anything to call attention to themselves in public. “Guess what?” she said, slowing to a stop and reaching for Tatum’s hand to tug on excitedly, a way to underscore her good mood.

During times like these Tatum found herself fantasizing about what she would be doing if she were in the exact place she wanted to be. Most of these occurrences were slightly more romantic, but in this case, Tatum daydreamed of her bed and air that wasn’t shared with hundreds of other annoying Hogwarts students. She still had the desire to track down the Gryffindor who dared to step too close to her, and yet, she was sure they darted down the hallway after getting a glance at her expression. Call her aggressive, but Tatum was just... Tatum.

But now, her name squealed out in public brought her back to reality again. Tatum felt her body go cold, a shiver running down her spine, because she knew that voice all too well; it was Addison. She looked just as beautiful as usual, and especially adorable in this very moment. She was visibly excited about something, but the brunette’s mood made it hard to melt like she usually would. Instead, she was overwhelmed with annoyance, and anger. They’d agreed to play it cool in public, rarely bringing attention to themselves. What was she thinking?

Hurriedly, Tatum twisted her arm out of Addison’s grasp, looking around the halls to see if anyone had noticed. Most people were just walking by them, but she swore there were eyes boring into her skull. “Ugh, what do you think you’re doing?” she replied, cocking a brow and tilting her head to the side. Her tone was rough and emotionless, very different from the tune she was singing just the day before. 

[tatumoh-blog]

Tatum silently wished that she could have gotten a little more sleep last night as she sat her her History of Magic class. Her study session with Addison had gone on longer than she thought, which was really her own fault in the end. Though she’d had a great time, although a little sore the day after, she could feel her eyelids become heavier and heavier as the lesson continued. She desperately hoped that class would end early-- and oddly enough, her wish was granted. Suddenly Tatum sprang to life, jumping out of her chair and collecting her books before her professor could change his mind. Although she was just about to fall asleep only a few moments ago the raven haired girl was the first to walk out the door, finally greeted by a hallways filled with students, and hopefully her bed soon enough. As she weaved in and out through Hogwarts students her eyes still scanned the halls for Addison. It was practically muscle memory now, spotting her girlfriend and giving her a sly and cheeky smile before rushing off in the opposite direction. Before she knew it a smaller Gryffindor student lightly pushed past her shoulder, thus drawing her back to reality. The girl crinkled her nose angrily, and she knew that she had to get to her common room fast. A quick nap could solve just about anything, right? 

[addisonmonroe]

It was hard to resist Tatum’s pout, and Addison had to admit, even she was starting to get bored of reading the same spells over and over again. Usually she could study for hours without faltering, but now there was Tatum, flicking her hair back over her shoulder and staring at Addison without any pretense about what she wanted to do with her. Plus, it wasn’t like Tatum was doing any studying now. It might even be more productive if Addison went along with her game, at least for a few questions until they inevitably ended up distracted by each other. And more importantly, knowing that Tatum’s eyes were on her, knowing what Tatum was thinking of…it made it hard to focus on anything else anyway. “But you orgasmed twice last time, so it almost counts for double,” she said, letting Tatum think for a moment that she wasn’t going to cave. Then, after a moment, she spoke again, selecting a question that was almost always relevant to the practical portion of the Defense Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.Ts.. “…if you face a boggart down alone, what should you to?” She raised her eyebrows at Tatum, hands hovering over the buttons of her top to make it clear that yes she agreed to the terms of the game.

[tatumoh-blog]

Tatum scrunched up her nose a little. She knew this, because she’d gone over it yesterday. She just needed a minute or two to shift through her thoughts and the knowledge she’d crammed into her skull the past few days. “Boggart, okay,” she started. “Thats the one you picture turning into something funny, right?” she didn’t need any conciliation, Tatum was on a roll. “You close your eyes and think about them turning into something ridiculous. Then, you use the spell ‘riddikulus’. It will turn and when you laugh it’ll be defeated.” Some sense of pride ran through Tatum, and one could tell by the smug expression on her face. She was learning. Better yet, Addison was teaching her, and it was working. “I guess that means your shirt comes off, right?” Tatum questioned, unable to bite back the smirk that pulled at her pink lips. “Can’t we just, like, skip to your skirt or something...?” Her orbs trailed their way down to Addison’s skirt, which landed just above the kneecap. Her pale skin looked soft and inviting, and Tatum could practically see herself kissing her way up to what was underneath that damn skirt. So long as Addison was closer to be naked Tatum didn’t really mind. Instead, she found her girlfriend’s eyes once again. “Give me another.” 

[addisonmonroe]

Aparecium,  Arania Exumai,  Prior Incantato, Ventus  — or wait, is it ventas? Addison flipped back a page in her textbook, only to happily note that she’d had the spell correct the first time around. While she doubted that all of these spells would show up on the Charms N.E.W.T, it was better to be safe than sorry, right? For her at least. She turned the page again, studiously scanning each and every spell and committing them to memory. Her studying was interrupted by a loud bang coming from Tatum’s direction, and Addison’s head shot up from her book, trying to figure out what was wrong. As Tatum started talking though, it quickly became clear that nothing was wrong per se. Tatum was just bored. “Oh,” Addison said, her mind abruptly switching gears. Letting Tatum take her shirt off would certainly be more entertaining than reading, and for all their flirting while studying, Addison had yet to actually eat Tatum out on a desk. It was a tempting thought. Their Hogwarts skirts allowed for easy access, and Addison definitely wanted to see if she could overwhelm Tatum enough that the other girl struggled to stay quiet…but there was a reason they hadn’t done this yet. They had tests coming up, a lot of them, and they needed to study. “I mean, no, sorry. Clothes stay on,” Addison stated, sounding more resolved than she’d expected. “We have to study.”

[tatumoh-blog]

Tatum thought she’d convinced Addison enough thus far, and yet, when she stated that their clothes were most definitely staying on she frowned. The two had been studying nonstop, and if Tatum read one more word in her book she might just scream. “Ad, it’s been like, forty-eight hours since my last orgasm,” the brunette complained. “You’re killing me here.” The last part was mostly to herself, flicking a few curls over her shoulder and reopening her textbook once again. “Can’t we make this a little more interesting?” she whined once again. Her eyes trailed from the off white page to the porcelain skin of Addison’s neck. There were two dim marks left behind from where her lips had sucked and her teeth had nipped. They looked beautiful along her throat, and she knew there were a few more beneath Addison’s button down shirt. Tatum squeezed her legs together, trying to give herself the friction she so desperately craved. “Ask me anything-- seriously. Ask me a question and if I get it right, I get something. If I don’t, then I’ll study more. I swear.” She wasn’t sure if her girlfriend was actually listening, but it was worth a shot. “That way we’re studying, but it’s still fun. Come on, babe.” she pouted. “Please?”

[tatumoh-blog]

While with Addison, the last thing on Tatum’s mind was checking over her shoulder to see who was watching. Mostly she just enjoyed spending time with her girlfriend; but after the incident in the hallway Tatum was being cautious. Her lifestyle and choices were no ones business except her’s-- and Addison’s, of course. She rejected her red haired girlfriend’s ideas on most public ways to spend time together recently, and although Tatum was starting to feel guilty she was sure Addison could understand. Also, they had to study for N.E.W.T.s. Tatum didn’t think she could study as hard as she was now, going over spells again and again until she was quite literally having dreams about them. But that wasn’t enough, and any excuse she could use to trap Addison in an empty classroom with her was good enough for the brunette. Flipping through another page in her book Tatum eyed her girlfriend at the other side of the table. She looked cute with her furrowed brows and red hair falling in front of her face. Tatum pursed her lips, then smirked as she shut her book with a loud thud. “You know,” she stated aloud. “We are alone in here-- and your shirt is buttoned up all the way. That’s weird. Let me help you with that...” 

[addisonmonroe]

Addison waited patiently for Tatum to complete the spell, expecting to see a fairly innocuous object. She’d practiced by summoning stuffed animals personally — ultimately a bad idea, since she’d kept half of them, and now had to figure out what to do with them all. When an inanimate object appeared in front of them, her first instinct was to congratulate Tatum. “You did it!” she said, before realizing what exactly Tatum had conjured. “Hey, that looks just like —” Oh. That didn’t look just like her bra, it was her bra. Or rather a perfect copy of it, one that Tatum had created. Which meant she’d been thinking of it right then, or more likely, the last time Addison had worn it around her. That was a distracting thought, and Addison cleared her throat, trying to focus on her textbooks, and not on the fact that they were both probably thinking about sex right now. Addison couldn’t help but blush though, and she quickly collected the bra and shoved it in her bag, just in case anyone else happened to enter the abandoned classroom. “Tulips,” she echoed, nodding as if she believed it. “Well, I guess they’re both colorful?” Addison offered. And then, after a moment: “It’s too bad you weren’t thinking about me shirtless, because that was a near perfect copy of my bra. It would’ve been impressive work.” 

[tatumoh-blog]

Addison was normally cheeky when it came to discussions of this sort. Tatum could usually dish it back, but she was so embarrassed that she’d forgotten that the spell actually worked. Not only had a replica of Addison’s bra appear out of thin air, Addison had seen it-- picked it up even. Tatum was mortified. The smaller girl was only trying to help and here she was making it about sex. Truth be told Tatum was always in the mood to see Addison shirtless; to feel her soft skin and smell her sweet scent-- and there she was, making it about sex again. “Very funny,” Tatum commented, blatantly bashful by the turn of events. “If this were any other circumstance I’d totally rip that shirt off of you, but babe I really, really need to get this down.” The brunette was starting to get worried. NEWTS were coming up quickly, and Tatum was worried sick she’d do awful. It kept her up at night, lying in bed thinking about the possibility of completely letting everyone down. Her mom, Addison, herself... it was starting to get the best of her. “Can we go over it one more time? I swear it’ll be a tulip this time.” 

[addisonmonroe]

Of course! So basically, Inanimatus Conjurus conjures inanimate objects. You’ve got that part down, yeah? I think the reason the actual spell is giving you difficulty is because you’re not holding your wand right. It’s more of a…stab in the air at the end than a flick. I mean, that’s not completely necessary of course, but it’ll make things easier. 

Uhm…wanna try it again? Think of any object you’d like, really. 

[tatumoh-blog]

“Okay, so, stab in the air instead of a flick... um...” Tatum paused for a moment, trying to focus on one specific object to project the spell onto. As she shut her eyes all she could think about was Addison in that lace bra she was wearing yesterday. Not exactly what she should be concentrating on, but being alone in a room with Addison usually leaned towards more scandalous things than practicing spells. The brunette tried her hardest to think of something far less sexual, and decided a flower might work. But once she opened her eyes it wasn’t the yellow tulip she imagined that caught her eye. It was the bra.

“Wow, what?” Tatum made sure she seemed over exaggerated. “I have no idea how that got there. I-- I swear I was thinking of tulips.”

[tatumoh-blog]

Wait-- can we go over that again, please?

[addisonmonroe]

They are awesome. And Harry Potter would be your boss. Wow. 

But hey, that’s not the right attitude! Here —  I think we’ll both get O’s in all our classes, and it’ll be the best thing ever. Are you going to tell me I’m wrong?

[tatumoh-blog]

Harry Shmarry, I’d get to kick ass. That’s what matters, right? Wouldn’t it be great if I was fighting crime and stuff? That’s so awesome!

No, I wasn’t going to tell you that. Actually, I was going to tell you that I’ve been wanting to kiss you since we got here.

[addisonmonroe]

Oh, jeez. Thank you! I hope you’re right about that.

An auror? Wow, that’s like…really cool. Why do you call it a fantasy world though? It could totally happen. I believe in you, and you should too. Besides, the recommended classes are Potions, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, Herbology, and Charms, right? Those are all the same N.E.W.T.S I have to take! It’s perfect. 

[tatumoh-blog]

I know I’m right, duh.

I know, right? They’re so awesome! Well, I mean, I’m not... there’s no way I’d get an E or an O in any of those classes, so, it’s a little far fetched. But wow, yeah, it’s a good thing we’re studying together.

[addisonmonroe]

Yeah, of course! I like spending time with you too. And I don’t mind a little extra studying time.

And uhm…I guess I was kind of thinking medi-witch? A Healer. I always wanted to be a doctor and they’re like, the muggle version of that. You need at least five E’s though, so if that doesn’t work out, I think I’d be happy as a teacher too. What about you?

[tatumoh-blog]

Awesome, me too. 

You’re brilliant, love. Like, absolutely fucking brilliant! I’m sure you’ll get five E’s-- probably five O’s, actually. And, um, in a fantasy world where I get all E’s and O’s I’d, like, wanna be an auror. But that’s obviously not gonna happen.

[addisonmonroe]

Aw, babe! You don’t have to know yet. We haven’t even graduated! Besides, we haven’t taken the N.E.W.T.S yet either, and they’re the most important things. Don’t feel shitty about yourself. You’ll do fine!

[tatumoh-blog]

Would you, like, mind helping me study a little? I know you have your own to worry about but, I’d really like to spend the time with you. You’re just... you make it easier, Ad.

Do you know what you wanna do? Like, if you could do anything afters the N.E.W.T.S what would you do?

[addisonmonroe]

Oh, no! What happened?

[tatumoh-blog]

I just... I don't even know what I'm gonna do after Hogwarts. I haven't done shit here, and like, what I have done is shit. What's even the point anymore, right?

Sorry, this is me feeling like, all shitty about myself. We can, um, we can talk about something else if you'd like.

[tatumoh-blog]

☯ + 'blab'~

☯: likes/dislikes headcanon

I like to read— but not, like, everything. There are some things that are just really fucking boring, okay? I like being in Slytherin. That probably sounds stupid but I like my house, honestly. And, well, I like Addison. She’s great, y’know? 

I don’t like these stupid classes, though. They’re so fucking boring! I mean why do I need to know herbology. I don’t really care about plants. I don’t like my dad— y’know, whoever he is. Like, fuck you for leaving me. I’m pretty great, so he’s just missing out. And I don’t like him for that. And I don’t like mouse pops. They’re just… they’re fucking weird, okay? 

Blab: Three secrets I’m keeping

1. Tatum is gay. This might be obvious to Addison, but to everyone else it’s the last thing on their minds. Tatum harsh attitude ensures that people won’t look too far below the surface, because if they did they’d realize after years of trying to find boys sexually appealing she’d had a really rough time. 

2. Tatum fears rejection. After being left by her father before she was even born Tatum is scared that if she lets people in they’ll leave. Keeping Addison at arms length is difficult because all she wants to do is have her all to herself. She wishes to be emotionally bare at some point, but keeping her girlfriend away from her friends ensures that she gets everything she wants: Addison, and her friendships. 

3. Tatum misses her father. Although she’s never met the man, or even know who he is, the girl still feels an empty hole in her life where he should be. She tells everyone she doesn’t care; that he never mattered and never will. But secretly she hopes he might come around one day to meet her, and that void will be gone.