this shit got me in my feelings

[taylornock]

this shit got me in my feelings turned 1 today! woooo cheers to another year of late night rants about the parts of life i cant handle alone

[taylornock]

how cell phones made our lives better while simultaneously ruining them

hi fam!! it’s me, again. are you tired of hearing from me? me too. that’s why I’m here to rant about social media / phone / technology. bc i hate it… but in a loving way???

everyone remembers when they got their first iPhone. seriously. why is that such a monumental moment in our lives? i can hardly remember what i felt like freshman year of high school but can pinpoint the feeling of sheer glee unwrapping my iPhone 6 in eighth grade. i have this thing that is attached to me 24/7 - when I go anywhere (even downstairs) without my phone i feel weird. that is f***ing SAD! PATHETIC. i hate feeling that dependent on what is essentially a pocket robot.

for what it’s worth - phones have done INCREDIBLE things for the world as we know it. for example, this quarantine shit has been testing all of us; and our phones are helping us get through it in so many ways. our phones let us see the faces of those loved ones we are missing, our phones provide us with stupid tik tok content to keep everything light hearted, and our phones let us check in on each other. all amazing things! when we are at school, we have instant access to our lives at home . being able to call my mom whenever i want is something i definitely abuse. “mom, I’m on my way home from Thompson right now and i think i have a brain aneurysm but my bio final is at 11am tomorrow will i make it” … an actual conversation i had with my mom at the end of freshman year. needless to say i was medicated shortly after THAT meltdown. I am such a brat that i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t text my dad and have him immediately get me the password again to our Uverse account…… god forbid i miss an episode of the bachelor. i have this phone, and that’s what i do with it? abuse its powers to ask my parents for medical advice or a password i forgot? have we lost sight of everything here?

throughout life and especially throughout quarantine… my phone is the definition of a possession that is a blessing and a curse. I’m so grateful to have the ability to bother my friends - whenever i want! the options are endless! i love keeping in touch with people i thought id never hear from again, and being able to talk to so many people in my life and make my heart swell. now, when a conversation with someone other than my two roommates (shoutout parents) is so rare ⎯ that phone is my weapon and i use it to help flatten the curve: flatten the curve of covid19 and flatten the curve of my mental illness 🙃 [humor is a coping mechanism okay let me live] but like, i KNOW i’m not the only one that looks at my screen time and immediately wants to die. how can i honestly be looking at my phone for that long? picking it up THAT many times?????? my phone is the best distraction and also the most toxic - it makes me feel better but has a tendency to bring up all my issues and blast them into the reflection of my blue light glasses...... its called fashion look it up.

to give some examples - let’s open up my most used app: snapchat. I go on snapchat with the best of intentions - to see a memory from a year ago that makes me smile. to respond to my friends and see what their mood today is based on the look on their face. to creep on snap stories and see what everyone’s cooking and doing with their lives. somehow, tho, after spending a few minutes on the app.. i end up with a pit in my stomach most of the time. the person i want to respond hasn’t responded in 4 hours. oh god lets overthink this- they don’t like me anymore and are no longer interested in speaking to me and only respond every once in a while out of pity or because they are uncomfortable. everyone hates you. oh and GOD FORBID someone leaves me on open??! I am not funny nor interesting nor worth a reply - suddenly, i have equated my value to receiving or not receiving a photo of someone’s blank stare. this is extreme, and this is dramatic. but trust me —— this is the hamster wheel always turning in my head. I’m not even going to touch on snap maps; that feature is pandoras box and someone better fucking shut it.

second most used app is instagram. i scroll for hours, i have time limits set for the app acting like i’m actually going to listen to them and get off. lmaooooooooo. i love looking at aesthetic stuff and dogs and food and recipes and my friends’ beautiful faces. but you know what i don’t like? constant nudges to compare myself to others. oh look at her having a party with all of her friends even though we aren’t supposed to be. am i a loser for trying to be safe? oh look at her washboard abs, i’m never going to look like that and will never live up to the standard of beauty society has set for me. look at all of these people in their happy relationships. why can’t i have that? it goes over and over and over. its not like i sit there and think of these things just like that, its a precedent in my mind when i stare at everybody else that i am going to size my own life up against theirs. for years i followed every single elite model / VS angel on instagram to motivate me to do better - to start being psycho about what i did to my body so i could be as gorgeous as them. what kind of fucked up mindset is that? i would literally watch their footage of them eating rice and vegetables once a day and try to copy it. i would watch their runway walks obsessively trying to recreate them in heels alone in my house - like that was all i could imagine doing with my life. did i ever stop for a second to look at that photoshoot of gigi hadid and wonder if she was happy? wonder if the constant pictures she saw of herself ever made her insecure? what was i doing? the day i unfollowed those girls was a monumental day in my journey to a better self image. i didn’t realize the people i thought were my “motivators” were actually my triggers. i have grown to a point in life now that i would much rather eat a stack of chocolate chip pancakes that make me dance in my chair like an infant than practice my runway walk and shame my body in the mirror. and i am so freakin happy! 

i could go app by app for hours. but moving on to the next thing i hate about cell phones - how they have destroyed our biological methods of communication. you hear about those psychos who think the world is destroyed by technology and we are going to be overrun by robots. but hey, I’m with the psychos on this one. i have this amazing friend, Trevor Wright, who without fail at EVERY dinner announces “phones off friends on” and collects our phones into the center of the table. yes, we are 20 year old adults. yes, we hand our phones over to Trevor and let him yell at us for trying to see if ~that person~ snap chatted us back. i have so much respect for him because of this. there is nothing worse than staring at your phones when you could be having a good conversation about life, about love, about laughter + memories, about “do you think hellen keller is real?” anything, bro, anything. anything but snapchat messaging your hoe of the week or mindlessly playing tetris to twiddle your thumbs. we all need to start loving a little harder, and the first step to doing that is to communicate better. communicate smarter. I’m guilty of alllll of the above, don’t get me wrong. and I am ADD asf and constantly playing mindless games just to stimulate my brain. but i need to stop that! even writing this is taking some time away from the dumb shit on my phone - and encouraging me to communicate how i     r e a l l y   feel to my homies that will read this. communication - especially body language - is fascinating. I’ve studied it in  psych, I’ve learned the neurological bases of behavior and why we do what we do. I’ve learned how much our life experience impacts who we are as a whole...and it! is! fascinating! i also think that’s why i love film so much. because it can capture the raw moments of your friends just being your friends, of you just being the person you are, and the world around you just existing as it exists. i love the raw moments; and not just because indy blue posted one youtube video of her slow mo laughing and now thats the only footage i find myself shooting. 😚

im not quite sure what this post is, lol. but - just a rant on technology. so listen to me:

take advantage of technology + social media! it CAN BE GREAT. for so many reasons. but, don’t let technology + social media TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. stay true to you - know how to communicate with yourself and your loved ones without the use of a robot. remember that feeling when you setup up your first iPhone? imagine if you could feel that again, with your phone nowhere in sight. if you don’t know how to communicate with yourself yet, start by journaling. WRITE! TYPE! SPEAK! do what you want. getting your thoughts down even without an audience is so crucial to understanding yourself and others. if you don’t like to write, reflect. breathe. meditate. make art. do what makes you feel at peace, and do whatever makes you feel like the world makes a little bit more sense than it does. 

IF YOU ARE READING DOWN TO HERE, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, SAY IT BACK! LIFE IS A FUCKING HIGHWAY. AND IM SO GLAD YOU’RE ON MY INTERSTATE. <3

xoxoxoxo

gossip girl

[taylornock]

sadness + a pandemic

its march 18th, 2020. the nation is in a state of emergency due to the spread of coronavirus; a viral infection with flu-like symptoms that can be severe [potentially fatal] for the immunosuppressed, elderly, and very young. as a result of this horseshit - everything on the calendar is cancelled. everything including classes for the rest of the semester. so Ohio State has kindly asked us to move out of our current campus housing and say goodbye to this year from the quarantine of our own homes.

-

i keep trying to remind myself of how blessed i am; something that has been a common theme in my life. “people always have it worse” “in the grand scheme of things” etc. but this is so hard to have that mindset. I am trying to check myself and be grateful for what i have, i am in no way suffering more than those who are going to lose meals, family members, shelter, or jobs due to this fucking virus. but my feelings are still heavy, + threatening a downward spiral in my mental health. also cough syrup just came on so like, now im really unstable and my room is pitch black i do not feel well

in the past week i have been forced to accept the end of so many things. A) my experience living in my sorority house, B) my college friends until fall, C) the seniors graduating and moving on, and D) half a semester in college that I can’t get back.

To start with A - the sorority house. my heart is WRENCHING over this. i cant even begin to put into words how much that damn house means to me as stupid as it sounds. In that house, I didn’t just make friends. I didn’t just go to school and come home to eat or sleep. It completely changed who I am as a person, and brought me further out of the shell that I didn’t realize was still covering me. I have been blessed with amazing people in my life and I was fortunate enough to meet even more of them in that house. over 7 months, i met girls who made me feel validated and loved in a way that only a few people had shown me before. Without them I would not have the confidence to do so many things I did this school year, and i cannot thank them enough for their support through it all. I could talk about my sorority until my mouth gets dry, but its all because i feel so passionately about what it has done for me. Im not ‘paying for my friends’ or for frats or for free t shirts (that aren’t even free might i mention)…. these people mean the world to me. seeing their faces everyday in the house brought me so much joy and peace of mind that i am terrified for what i am going to do without it. i am a people person to my death, and living somewhere where i could walk down the hall and pop my head into people’s rooms to bother them was the best thing that has ever happened to me. my anxiety chilled the f out in this house; because i was forced into conversations i didnt want to have and forced to socialize with girls at dinner when all i wanted to do was go eat by myself and cry about food like i used to do in high school. this experience was truly     once    in     a    lifetime,     and i had the best memories with all of those people. i never felt so at home like i did in the chee as we call it - that place gave me the same sense of shelter that id cry about leaving behind in cleveland. because of these strong memories associated with that house, my chest is physically tightening when i remember i have to leave it behind tomorrow morning,,,, tomorrow morning! its just not fair to have something that great and that makes you so happy ripped away from you without warning - and again i know this happens all the time in life but it doesn’t suck any less when it does!! you know what else sucks about the house? i actually didnt want to live in it, at all. I thought my life was perfect last year and i wasn’t willing to change it for the world - but i took a leap (or was kind of forced to jump) and it is the best decision i have ever made. i didnt want to do it, i did it, and now im so happy —— so naturally life comes in with the “let it go now before you’re ready”. you’re joking? the best things in my life come out of what i think are going to be the worst things, and now i am so sad that i didn’t have that attitude 7 months ago and wasted even a minute questioning what was right in front of me.

to my college friends; i love you so so much. thank you for being a part of the family i have at OSU… a school I thought was going to be too big for me. I will miss your smiling faces every day. I will miss the different conversations and the little run ins and the squadding up at bars that have been my entire college experience. stay healthy and well i love you all and cant wait to see you again (also come visit me please im sad and its not long before im going to start punching walls)

to my seniors. my freaking seniors!!! this is so unfair to you — and i honestly think that the only thing keeping me sane throughout the whole thing is knowing that if you can have a positive attitude about all of this ending so quickly than i fucking better have one too. im not ready to let you go even a little. i couldn’t even TYPE that sentence without starting to feel a lump in my throat. there are so many people i unfortunately just got to know this year that have given me an example of the person i want to be. you all have been great role models for me (even when you think you haven’t) and i am so grateful for the memories we did get to have together. at our preference round of recruitment, hearing the seniors speak made me start crying immediately. i hate change. i hate people leaving. even though you are doing great things in your young adult lives i just don’t want you to go!!! is that fair just to have your face around all the time?? I am so so sad that i didnt get a proper goodbye —— that you didnt get a proper goodbye to your school like you’ve dreamt of. this is all too sudden and unfair and i want to squeeze you all to pieces and tell you i love you 100 times and not to forget me. please dont forget me because i will never forget you. (crying again) THANK YOU for showing me kindness, hard work, fun, and true love for your friends. THANK YOU for showing me what its like to have an unmatchable energy level and be excited about waking up every day… everyone can use that mindset. THANK YOU ALL, please dont go. i want nothing more than to take this virus away from you just so you can have a second to look around and breathe.

half a semester in college i cant get back. its true what they say ~the years get faster as you get older~ and i really wish it wasn’t. I already feel like im growing up too fast, like my parents are growing older too fast, or my younger cousins growing up too fast (and not just because of tik tok). i feel like time is moving so much faster than i can handle. i feel like i am spiraling into my dark hole of losing everything - and the feeling of not being able to stop your life from slipping through your own fingers. i want to make it stop; i want to freeze time and relive all of the amazing memories and laughter fits i have had this school year. i only get 4 real years of college, and to think that im losing some of one breaks my heart. i feel like i never truly value a moment until after it happens, and you really don’t know what you have until its gone. i am so FUCKING sad to have to say goodbye to sophomore year like this; and i pray that i can make up for it in some other way and that things dont change. i am so fucking scared of things changing - and i was so happy 2 weeks ago with life that im not okay with anything fucking with it. im sad, im trying to cope, and trying to process everything that’s happening. but i really just wish it all wasn’t. i dont want to feel like im always running out of time.

tell everyone you love them & stop to smell the flowers. appreciate what you have now because you never know when a virus is going to take over the globe and destroy the idea that you have everything planned out. im sad, i havent felt like this in a minute. and it goes up from here, i know it does! but the light at the end of that tunnel is a little dim right now. i think my flashlight needs a few more batteries (metaphorically! ha ha! now im not sure if it makes sense and is deep or im just jet lagged) 

okay goodnight! 

xoxo sad taylor hours 

[taylornock]

the little things

“so i fall in love just a little oh a little bit everyday with someone new” - Hozier

a few weeks ago, one of my ~sisters~ in my sorority said something to me that has me feeling inspired on this fine sunday night. we were trying hard to rally after a long day of block and go out that night; and my tired ass was all like “we STILL have two and a half years to go out. im staying in” and she responded with:

“yeah but we ONLY have two and half more years”

Its the little things like that that flip your perspective, make you think. Oh sh*t! Glass half full just got fuller.

ever heard the expression, stop and smell the roses? overused as f*ck, but like seriously true. its so so crucial to slow yourself down and notice the little things in life; the simple pleasures + the moments you cant get back no matter how bad you want to. life moves faster than any of us can control. so stop and smell the damn roses! I am extremely guilty of always being onto the next thing, unconsciously worrying about whatever is coming next. today for example i spent the whole morning in anxiety about the traffic getting downtown for a browns game. girl, chill. like what seriously is going to happen if there is traffic?*the world still turns.

and no one ever said that when you stop and smell the roses they are all going to be alive. sometimes you stop - and the roses are dead.

things are dark, times are tough, and the last thing you want to do is look for the little things when it seems like the cloud over you is going to shade any possible light you find. but thats life - thats okay. its ok to look back and say, “wow that was one of the best moments of my life” but also be able to say “ok wow that F*CKING sucked…. thank u, next”. i learned very well when i came to college and especially through a lot of my best friends to laugh at things you shouldn’t. erika dropped her laptop from the top of her bed freshman year? HA! idiot! after she had to pay for the repairs on that, not so funny. but in the moment - instead of going worst case holy crap you are screwed and will never be able to pay your loans and will be broke forever because your dumbass dropped that freaking laptop…. slow tf down and laugh. yes there’s a time where it isn’t appropriate and you should be taking things seriously bc life comes with a lot of hard shit. but, when you can, take the little things and don’t make them bigger than they are; laugh it off and keep on swimming, baby.

smell the damn flowers. look at the little things. you think you don’t have enough time to chill out in the kitchen and bake cookies with your loved ones in the kitchen? trust me, you do. what’s gonna happen if you have one less hour of study time? you miss a few extra questions, okay. but things change so freaking quick and i am one hundred percent confident you would rather have those moments in the kitchen than you will that perfect exam score. im frankly very irresponsible, so that advice doesn’t go far for some people. but im serious - its good to have priorities but its also good to give your mind and soul a break. you deserve it queens! you can turn a “damn it its raining” mindset into a “let me watch the rain through my window and have an SVU marathon with my mom / best friend before our planet dies”. ok slightly negative ending, but you get my drift.

nostalgia is a beautiful feeling,,,, but its also sickening. it drives me mad thinking about how great things were; i so often lose focus of how great things are. again, im not over here trying to act like i wake up every morning and just EXUDE positivity and happiness. life is constantly kicking my (and everyone elses) ass but im doing what i can to keep myself sane. take in the purest moments of happiness + even the rawest moments of emotion and remember exactly how you are feeling right now because you might not ever repeat that.

“i fall in love with a stranger, the stranger the better.”

fall in love with something new; or fall in love with whats right in front of you. first off, let me say Hozier live this summer was a spiritual experience that made me feel more things than any church service i have ever attended did. the range of that man’s voice is unbelievable, and makes his songwriting resonate with you so much more. that song reminds me even more to pay attention to those little things. me having enough (barely) funds to buy myself an iced coffee this morning? that’s a little thing. waking up WITHOUT a headache, thats a little thing! walking downstairs and being greeted by someone who you love; thats a HUGE thing. but that HUGE thing is something we let ourselves get used to — and you don’t f*cking know what you have until its f*cking gone. my heart hurts for a million reasons on most days, but it also beats a trillion times with the little things i let bring the light in. and let me acknowledge when i write this stuff a lot of you probably think im just a ray of sunshine or im doing some hard drugs. i really need to start taking my own damn advice, and when i talk about this stuff it makes me realize that what’s coming out of my own ass is true! if you’re reading this; there’s a good chance i love you. i don’t believe anything happens by chance and i hope that if you came across this it brought some new thoughts up in yo mind.

i love you i love you i love you: thank u for sticking around in my life and following along in the irresponsible mess that it is. if you’re reading this, think about the small things that happened today that made you laugh or cry for a sec. think about how you won’t ever relive that EXACT second again and let that sink in. let the little things keep your soul happy. i love writing and i love writing down the little memories — that’s something i will never regret doing in years and years when i can remember that one time this this AND THIS happened. start writing more, start looking around more.

smell the damn flowers.

peace out babes

xoxoxoxo little gossip girlllllllllllllllll

[taylornock]

I waited 19 years for lollapalooza

its wednesday, and three nights ago - on sunday august 4th, the last performance of the lollapalooza festival weekend had just wrapped up; a beautiful concert by the female pop queen Miss Ariana Grande.

music has basically always been a HUGE part of my life; ever since my cousins showed me the fateful X factor videos of one direction that they had no idea would spiral into an unhealthy obsession of many years with 5 british boys who will never know my name or face. but that story deserves a whole nuther post!

i simply cannot imagine what the world would be like without the power of music. it is on literally everywhere, in every store + restaurant, in every car you step into, and playing in the streets of crowded cities with every breath of air you take outside. music is so common and so present in life that the mere idea of silence drives me up a wall; i have no appreciation for silence and almost always need music at least in the background so that silence is not so haunting as i make it out to be. i am blessed to live in a generation where if i want to hear a song, its not like i need to haul my ass over to the jukebox and dig for coins to hear it; i can crack open my AirPods…. (soft flex) case and queue it up on spotify in like, 20 seconds. sorry, i cant hear you was that someone poor speaking? (kidding)  as i said, i hate silence so much even cleaning my room is too much for me without some track playing even if i have heard it 300 times over.

the trend and infatuation with celebrities that plays a huge role in our generation also plays into the concept of music, as now just hearing our favorite artists / records is not enough; we now have access to unlimited media about their lives and who they are as people. not only can we hear their story through the music, but through all that they are willing to share outside of the studio. the ease and accessibility i have today is something i try not to take for granted.

theres something about music that makes you feel connected… connected to something, for lack of better word. the release of serotonin (science fuck ya) that is initiated when u hear your favorite song or your favorite voice is literally a chemical release triggered by something that you love. your body functions and emotions are connected when it comes to music! i think its cool, if i am even explaining this concept right. but, aside from science; nothing beats the feeling in your stomach when your favorite song is blaring. for me, when i hear the intro to Freaky Friday or Mona Lisa i feel like a new woman and am ready to go absolutely apeshit. when i hear the intro to cough syrup or the climb, my heart drops so low and i feel emotions i didnt know i needed to feel. when Feeling Whitney by post malone comes on, the ex i never had runs through my mind; and even though i relate to about 5% of what Post sings about in that song, it feels so so undeniably real to me and like i can sympathize with him through his heartache. im rambling clearly, but the main point here is MUSIC! IS POWeRFUL! TO THE SOUL BAYBEEE

so, furthermore, to explain the title. this past weekend i attended the lollapalooza festival in chicago with my mf sisters, my best friends.  + thousands of more people willing to pay over $400 for the music - or the instagram - either resonates with me. i talk about the connection you can feel with music, and literally NOTHING can surpass the feeling of that connection LIVE; when the artists that you have been screaming in the car to work everyday are there with you on stage, singing the same lyrics you feel like you may as well have written yourself at this point. concerts are one of my favorite things to do, as few things can make me as happy as i am when the band emerges onto the stage to start the set and that first beat hits to make you feel at home. this sounds cheesy and dumb but i promise its JUST HOW I FEEL I MEAN CMON youre telling me you wouldnt get chills hearing the first note of Redbone by Childish Gambino live? youre wrong. ~and not only do you feel that connection with the artist. but the people who are watching and singing beside you. i LOVE the concept of being able to talk to the homies around me who are all here for the exact same reason; to see the artist up on that stage. literally they could be anywhere in the world; but they are at the same damn festival and sweating it out in the same damn heat, dehydrated for the same damn reason you are…… to connect with the voice behind the albums they have on repeat. it will never not amaze me that 100,000+ people all come to the same place to hear hundreds of artists for four days. thats a fuck ton! i met lots of cool people this weekend, and even if i only talked to them for 20 seconds EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION mattered to me. its the little things. i will take my brand of being a people person to my grave and i love talking to people…. even if its an awkward interaction that makes me pee of laughter on Halstead Ln on the sidewalk (thats a story for the books).

the best best best best thing about this trip is that i got to experience it with my MOFO BUDDIES!!!!! i love these girls so much and i know i don’t say it enough - but they truly do mean the world to me and i have no doubt that without them there is no way the experience would have been the same. these are the girls that can make me laugh, that can make fun of things we shouldn’t make fun of together, that can turn a bike ride home into a 15 minute rave, and can make something like braiding hair so much fun. getting ready together every morning was so much fun, and i wish i could wake up and pour glitter in my friends hair every day. id be the happiest person alive!! i am not kidding you when i say i laughed harder on this trip than i have in MONTHS! everything was so funny, and maybe that was the exhaustion or maybe its because we are all (self declared) crackheads at heart. either way, i love these people so much because they can make the most basic things into crazy fun memories that i will never forget about. that dunkin donuts on the corner of diversey + halstead? i will forever associate with the foolery that elisa and i got into with the employees who didnt speak english and our dumbasses who couldn’t hear well enough to communicate through the accents. every time i get in an uber ill probably have a flashback to one of the weird drivers we had who either 1) hated us or 2) offered to take us to a dispensary for weed bc she thought we were cool. THERE IS REALLY NO IN BETWEEN lol. there are a million and 1 memories about the dumbest shit that will only be funny to the 5+ of us. so im not gonna put them here, just know that if u ever ask me to grab you a slim jim theres a 90% chance i will collapse in laughter because of a dumb 2 minute interaction in an Indiana rest stop that sent us all into hysterics.

i feel like these words are a little all over the place, but after a summer full of a stress + a year full of college stress and building anxiety, i didnt know how much i needed lollapalooza. i didnt know that wristband would make me so happy and have as much of an impact on my life as it did. i didnt know when i bought the ticket that this may have been the best weekend of my life, in 19 years. i waited 19 years for this experience and i didnt even know that it was waiting on me. and thats one of the most beautiful parts of life - you never know what the next day brings so you might as well say fuck it and do what you want or it will never come.

see you next year lollapalooza, shoutout to my parents for trusting me to navigate chicago by myself and have a weekend that ill tell your grandkids about some day. thanks for trusting me enough not to take street molly at the EDM stage! even though the offer was tempting, i listened to what you and D.A.R.E taught me about taking questionable narcotics from strangers.

“if someone offered me molly right now id honestly take it”

elisa, abby, julia, + chloe: id do a n y t h i n g to go back to last wednesday when we began all this. i love u all so mucho xx

xoxoxoxoxooxoxo

sad tender gossip girl; currently listening to sweet music by HOZIER wus good ????

[taylornock]

moments + feelings.

life is weird. its fucking weird!

there are so many things that happen in your life for a reason. so. damn. many. and the people, the people in your life. i am a firm believer and lover of the power of people to change you - i can not even begin to explain the impact that different people have had on my life as i have grown. good or bad, big or small, simple or major big picture, the people i am surrounded by are constantly shaping the person that i am.

i am so incredibly blessed with the life i have, and although there are days i curse the heavens for whatever is thrown at me or my loved ones, i am so unbelievably grateful. when i look at the people i love and whose name pops up on my phone throughout the day it leaves me speechless.

its so hard to recognize and appreciate that all these people care about me and acknowledge my thoughts and feelings and interests. connections are so special, and i value them more than anything.

i don’t care what anyone tells you, money means nothing. in the grand scheme of things if i have $15 to my name but have the best people to spend that $15 on, everything makes sense. this is how it’s supposed to be.

i could write for hours on the impact of random people on my life. the impact of my parents. the impact of the family in cleveland and all over the world who have raised me. the impact of my friends who have taught me more about maturity, growth, and who i am myself than i could even begin to think of on my own.

its a wednesday night in july around 10:13 pm and im writing this because i don’t know why? i am feeling extra #tender tonight and want to start writing out feelings like this so i can remember them.

this year, i have had some of the best “feelings”; those type of feelings i know i should write down immediately.

i remember the feeling of looking at my roommate, my best friend, the sister i never had, as we woke up on a sunday morning and realized that we were both going to receive bids from the sororities we wanted; that after a 2 week period of self conscious judging and overanalyzing we found places that we could call home inside the school we had already made ours. i love you, E. i remember the feeling of watching my favorite band light up a stage in columbus with beautiful graphics of malibu skies, and leaning my head on the shoulder of one of my best friends who loves music in her soul just as much as me, feeling so connected and happy at one of the greatest nights ive ever had. i love you, C. i remember the feeling of the first stupid drive around the suburbs in my best friend’s white subaru, just like it was summer 2018 again and we were just graduating high school sobbing about leaving each other for schools 74 miles away from each other. i love you,E. i remember the feeling of venting to my best friend about anxiety and how much of a struggle is to tell everyone you are okay and let your parents know that maybe it isn’t just you and you need someone to tell you that you are gonna be okay. i remember talking to each other and realizing that just taking a pill for the serotonin in our bodies that doesn’t quite add up doesnt make us science experiments; it makes us just as human and struggling as the rest of the whole god damn planet. i love you, J.

at school, i remember the feeling of telling one of my best friends that i didnt know if i was okay and i thought i was going crazy. i remember her telling me to never apologize and to stop fucking saying sorry. saying sorry for what? being sad? i remember her feeding my tissues as i laid in her bed and telling me she would take me to as many appointments that i needed to tell me that i was gonna be okay. i love you, R.

i remember the feeling of leaving behind my dorm, that number 7 2 7, that i had called my own home and the first sign of independence id had for the past year. i loved that little tiny box and every soul that flew in and out of it so much, my heart still hurts. i remember walking across the hall to say goodbye to the sister i had developed over the past semester, and hugging her into my chest as we both sobbed refusing to believe that all the fun was over. i love you, J.

its so hard for me to accept change, and when things are different, i hate facing the truth of the matter in that life goes on keeping steady moving no matter how fucking hard you try and stop it.

all of these feelings are in my mind and make up every inch of my being - i am feeling especially overwhelmed in this moment with all these times that ive had.

the inner demons in me are telling me that writing this is stupid and i need to stop having epiphanies when im alone - but for the first time in a long time im telling myself to shut up. being alone makes me sad and think extra hard but right now i am going to cherish the feeling of my hot laptop on my legs and the sound of the fan running in my room as i write this in the silence of my house. i am going to miss this moment more than i can understand in years from now, when things are so so much different and never as simple as they are now.

i hate how much time i take for granted and i hate how much i complain about the things that dont even matter. i love everyone and everything in my life so much, even the days and things i HATE have made me the person i am. i love people, i love music i love quotes i love things i love places . i love living and i love writing. i love writing about this moment and all the moments to come - im going to make this page a journal of moments. follow along with me for alllllll the feelings of life baby. imma do me and i want everyone to feel it with me. lets connect  

xoxoxox

gossiP GIRL