zen and friends
My whole life I had wished for a proper friend group. I wanted to be apart of one of those big popular groups. I always wanted a best friend. Someone who would read my mind and laugh with me. Who would make me feel wanted and not like an after thought. When second semester of senior year I got just that. We would eat lunch together everyday in our classroom, we’d joke, and sing crazy bad accapella cover togethers. My whole life I didn’t think this was actually possible. It seemed like something reserved for movies and people more lucky than i had been. Yet there I was living my dream. Then senior year came to a close and we all went to separate universities.
I was always an extroverted person but for some reason when i got to university I completely closed myself off. I became nervous and insecure. Second guessing myself every time I opened my mouth. I did make a couple good friends but it wasnt like before. Which just made me miss my old friends even more. I hated that feeling because it felt like I peaked in high school.
Presently its the summer after my first year of university and I’m stocking the shelves at my summer job when the random memory of my high school philosophy teacher runs back into my mind. Maybe I had such a hard time socially in university because I was holding on to something so hard that I didn’t allowing myself to move on. I was never fully present, comparing new friends to old ones and thinking about how they didnt know me as well as my high school but ofcourse they didn’t when I never gave them to fair chance to know me. If i keep holding on to the past then ill never make something new. But if i can let go I can make something even better. Time doesn’t stop. and learning that is a really annoying lesson. But i want so much more for my future. I want girls night outs in the city, late night study sessions, and to be understood again. Which i wont get that unless i work for it.
So I vow to this year I AM MAKING AN EFFORT!! I am shedding that shy girl personality and becoming the true girl I am!! I will get what I want because I am taking my life in my own hands. I am letting go of the past to make room for something equally as amazing because I am worthy of it. Just because i am moving on doesnt mean I don’t cherish those people and that time but it means I am growing.
- tari tazi