These past few days (lol more like weeks/months) I have been overwhelmed with confusion and emotions of all kind. I’ve felt so lost; like I have no direction at all. I’ve had waves of joy and waves of crippling sadness. I’ve been stressed, overwhelmed, and completely out of sorts.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to school? Is my major right for me? Will I do a bikini competition again? Should I go back to riding consistently? Where is the future taking me?
While I don’t have all the answers, hell I don’t even have half, I can say that I feel strings pulling on my heart and I strongly believe that I need to follow that direction.
The other day I had rice krispies cereal and put real sugar in it. Not zero calorie artificial sweetener, but real, sweet sugar. It sounds dumb but that moment was very eye opening for me.
When I was younger I used to eat rice krispies with sugar alllll the time. I didn’t even think twice about sugar having carbs. I’ve realized that while competing, counting macros, and focusing on bodybuilding has been an incredible journey for me, it’s also taken so much from me.
Having knowledge about food is wonderful, but it’s made my life very… different. Every time I put something in my mouth I am acutely aware of its macronutrients and even if I’m not plugging it in MFP, I’m subconsciously tallying in my head. It’s often taken away the joys of eating with other people in my life or going out in fear that I won’t be able to track what I’m eating or drinking.
Getting back on my horse yesterday made me remember what it was like to focus on goals other than what I look like. To want to be strong to improve my riding and not to look aesthetically pleasing. I’m realizing more and more that solely focusing on how I look is exhausting and frankly it’s making me miserable at times.
I’m excited to get back into riding and to compete (in a horse show) in two weeks. My heart will always be with horses and I’m wondering what direction my life, interests & goals will head towards in the future. For now, I’m going to take a step back from bodybuilding so strictly and start working out for fun again. Maybe i’ll count macros on some days but honestly I just want to enjoy my life and focus on something more than my body.
I’ll still be in the gym & I’ll still be trying to make progress with my lifts, but I’m not gonna sweat it if I miss a few days or if I want to go out for dinner and drinks with friends or my mom. Life should be spent doing things that make you happy, not stressing about every little thing.
I truly hope that this is my “balance” and I feel comfortable and excited about this decision. Just wanted to share.
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