Everyday Feels More Like A Year @tearingme-apart - Tumblr Blog

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I told myself not to fall for you, but I couldn’t help it. I told myself that you were different, and that maybe you did actually like me, but maybe you are the same like everyone else. Every other day is a question of whether you still like me or not. It sucks.

I want to trust him. I really do, but I should be putting myself first. I’m scared to trust him. It can’t end up like how all the other ones ended.

I look the best in the photos when I’m with you because I am happiest when I’m with you. (<3 TB)

Grandma passed away almost two months ago and I miss her more than ever. Sometimes I wake up wanting to give her a call and ask her out for sushi, forgetting that she's not here anymore. I think about her and talk to her everyday, so that she can keep up with my life. Some days I’m more emotionally than others, and sometimes I still bawl my eyes out about her. It all happened so quickly; I remember going out for lunch with her on remembrance day because that was the only day I didn’t have school. She was 100% fine at that time and we both really enjoyed our time together.. little did we know that was our last sushi date. Fast forward a couple weeks, I was studying for my chemistry quiz when I was waiting with her at the hospital. I translated what she was feeling to the doctor, but we didn’t think it was anything too serious.. she had trouble breathing and lost breath really quickly while going up the stairs. A couple months later, after too many blood tests, they found that she had lung cancer. I cried so much, that I had no more tears to cry. The doctors said the cancer had started at her lungs and has spread everywhere else except her brain, and that they were expecting her to have 3-18 months left. I visited her as often as I could. She lived in the hospital for about 6 weeks. After the 6 weeks the doctors have given up on her and told her to go home. She went home, lived for about 3 or 4 weeks and went back to the hospital 2 days before she passed away (Feb 24) .. During those.. almost 3 months I watched everything deteriorate so quickly. It hurt. She lost her ability to walk on her own, within a week or so after being diagnosed with cancer. She reacted to everything slower and slower day by day.. until the last couple weeks, she was speaking non sense at times.

I remember visiting her at the hospital a week or so before christmas. We sat at the lounge/lobby area of the hospital and I told her stories. She listened so attentively and was so happy that I was sharing some of my life with her. We’ve never done that before, but I will always remember that genuine and sweet smile on her face with her cheeks rosy red.

I guess this taught me to love and appreciate life more. You’ll never know what you have till its gone. Do whatever makes you happy. Tell the people you love that you love them before its too late, because you don’t know when you’ll never get to tell them ever again. I would do anything to tell my grandma that I love her and that I really appreciate everything that she has done for me.

I miss her so much.

FUCK CANCER.

Please don't come in and out of my life as you wish, because i will probably let you in every time and let you hurt me every time.

I should have seen it coming when he said he can’t commit to people. I should’ve backed away right at that moment and I should’ve known that he would leave me. I think I’ll always wonder what he wanted from me, and I’ll wonder why he left me. I miss him, I miss him a lot, but he doesn’t put in the effort that he used to and this just seems like such a familiar story. Oh right, the exact same thing happened with TS.. Except last time, I knew TS would be toxic in my life, and I knew I shouldn’t be around him, so him leaving my life was probably a good thing. This time, it was worse. I knew at first I didn’t like RB, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was exactly what I wanted. Even if things didn’t happen between us, I knew for a fact that I liked his presence, and I liked hanging around him.

I don't know how to keep this from happening again. How do I keep boys away from me? How do I meet a boy who won’t leave me?

My mind is hard wired to hate myself; my heart is hard wired to care about people who couldn’t care less about me.

This year was full of rejection, letting people into my life and having them disappear, depression, and my family problems surfaced. It was actually a pretty fucking bad year. I want to leave this all behind but I don't know if I can. I feel like I’m mentally attached to all this negativity.

I let TS into my life. I didn’t realize how big of a part he was in my life this year. He first messaged me in March and we kept talking all throughout the year until he left me in November. We hung out in July then we hooked up at the end of August. He left in the middle of November. I miss him a lot, but I don’t think he belongs in my life.

I let E into my life this year as well. We became super close. Summer nights hanging out late at night. Him picking me up almost everyday. We don’t talk anymore and when we do, its just not the same. I miss it but theres nothing I can do about it.

I somehow became really close to NT this year. He’s a cool guy, but he also left me when the school year started.

I met so many people and let so many people in, but so many people have also decided to not stay. To the people who left, it was fun while it lasted. To the people who are staying, I’m so grateful to have you in my life and I hope that you stay for a little while. I promise to try to make it the best year I can for both of us.

This year, I got rejected for a job offer, I got rejected from a university program, I failed so many quizzes and tests, I got fired from a job, my mom went missing for 11 days and I found out my grandma has lung cancer. I hooked up with guys for the first time this year, I travelled on my own, I hitchhiked. I hurt myself for the first time since grade 10, I cried (a lot), I thought about suicide again, I hated myself. I was challenged this year, but the most important thing is that I’m alive, I’m here and I’m still breathing.

Fuck 2015.

Im trying so hard to be okay, but I can’t. It’s not real. It’s not how I feel inside. Help me. Please.

just-another-psych0tic

http://just-another-psych0tic.tumblr.com/

just-another-psych0tic

http://just-another-psych0tic.tumblr.com/

I’m laughing at myself because I miss you and I really shouldn't be.

Sometimes I get these random moments when I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss your hugs, your kisses, your presence and I hate it because you probably don’t feel the same way.

Whenever I get a text, I still hope that its you. Whenever I get a new message on Facebook, I still hope that its you. Maybe one day, you will miss me too and maybe one day, it will actually be you.

I never put my happiness before the happiness of anyone I truly care about. Except this time.. I did it once and I fucked everything up and I now I feel like shit.

I guess what I learned from this is to never put your happiness before anyone else’s. When they feel shitty I feel even shittier so I guess I’ll just always leave it as just letting myself feel shitty.

Debating whether I should cook or just starve myself..

justafan12501-blog

The problem is I exist and I’m sorry.

(via im-a-mixed-emotional-girl)

broken-cynosure

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Everyday Feels More Like A Year