[tearstainsonrepeat]

i’m so lost

[tearstainsonrepeat]

I’m hurt again and beginning to wonder if I subconsciously attach myself to people and situations that I know will hurt me. Maybe I get off by the hurt. Maybe I like it. I’ve always mixed pain and pleasure. Maybe it goes deeper than I’ve realized.

[tearstainsonrepeat]

It’s been six plus months since I’ve last posted on this blog. So much of my life has changed. I’ve lost friends, moved out of my home, and have had to learn how to like myself. Things aren’t the best right now, but they really are starting to look up. And it makes me just think. Think about all the times people told me, “it gets better” and I didn’t believe them. And It sucks. Because even though life isn’t good right now, it’s better. Better than it used to be and better than it ever will be up to this point. Life is absolutely insane. And I still don’t know how I feel about that. But I guess it’s a blessing in disguise.

[ruanv]

[tearstainsonrepeat]

Basically had one of the best days of my life today. But now I can't sleep and my nerves are through the roof. lol I wish I could just bask in the glory of contentment for a second, but nope. Anxiety always kicks in right when I need 'em.

[tearstainsonrepeat]

I feel so anxious and paranoid right now and I have no idea why. I just need it all to stop.

[tearstainsonrepeat]

Now all I can think about is running my hands through his hair and kissing his neck while his hands caress my body. I hope this works out. I know I probably shouldn’t do this because these kind of situations never turn out right for me, but damn. I want him so bad. I want him in me so bad. It’s a risk I’m willing to take because let’s face it. No one will ever really love me.

[block]

[tearstainsonrepeat]

I constantly end up back at this same place. In my room. Laying down. Crying. Why can't I ever leave a guy as heartbroken as they always leave me. It's like no matter what approach I take or how much of myself I give to someone, I'm just not enough and even worse I'm forgettable. Idk. I know it sounds stupid to be effected by this but I can't help it. I've honestly never felt more disgusting than I do in this vey moment.

[tearstainsonrepeat]

While it's nice to have people in my life who satisfy my physical needs, it's still sad when I think about my love life. I'm ready for something real, something more with someone who genuinely wants more. But tbh idk if it'll ever happen for me. And that sucks to know.

[pigmenting]

sometimes i forget how many times i’ve picked myself off the floor, how many times i’ve washed away smudgy makeup and put myself to bed. how many times i’ve said no to something unhealthy. said yes to something good. how many times i’ve treated myself with kindness and patience. i forget how many times i’ve tended to wounds and made peace with my own anger. if i was taking care of a body that was not my own, i’d believe i was doing everything i could. so here’s to remembering that i’m doing the best i can.

[tearstainsonrepeat]

I've been drowning for months and no one's noticed. I haven't spoken a word. I'm distant. I'm cold. I can't be around crowds for more than 15 mins. Yet know one has noticed. They don't even seem to realize when I stop breathing. It feels like I'm constantly grasping for air, yet know one notices. But I guess that's okay because if someone does notice, I have to suffer under surveillance. Under a microscope. In an office with a random ass doctor that will pretend to know me and what I'm thinking and or feeling. I don't want that. I'd rather cry myself to sleep every night. I'd rather have bad thoughts about myself. I'd rather stop breathing from time to time. Because at least then I can still suffer privately in public.

[tearstainsonrepeat]

I'm not inspired anymore. I've lost passion. I've lost intensity. I've lost love. Maybe if I find a way to gain that back, I'll find myself. At least I hope.

[tearstainsonrepeat]

I truly don’t know if i believe that happiness exists. I mean, of course I’ve come close to achieving said happiness. I have felt internal peace and gratitude. But at what point does that content state transform into pure bliss. I want to feel stupid, drunk, wild, intense, extreme happiness. 

The question is: will I be able to? Does this kind of happiness actually exist? and if it does, am I able to obtain it? 

[tearstainsonrepeat]

I always do this. I invest myself in someone and I let them get my hopes up when I know the reality of the situation: People get bored of me. I don’t know why I even try anymore because I’m well aware that no one will ever truly love me the way I love them. It’s an unfortunate, inevitable, reoccurring situation. It’s a loop that I can’t stop.