Hell of a Life

Theodore Charles Finch Thirty-two • Actor ❝ And at once I knew, I was not magnificent ❞

[teddyfinch]

Hi, my loves! Work is absolutely kicking my butt at the moment which is why I’ve been replying at a glacial pace (v v sorry :( ) but as always, I’m up for plots if anyone wants to slide into my IMs 💕

[teddyfinch]

📍 Hollywood Hills, Los Angeles

@teddyfinch Look at this ray of sunshine 🌻 @clarissa-evans

♥ 4.3 M LIKES, 18.2 K COMMENTS

[balkavanozum-deactivated2022032]

[clarissa--evans]

@clarissa-evans​: I don’t know what has @teddyfinch‘s attention but he’s definitely up to something. 🤔 Whatcha doing there, handsome?

♥ 503 LIKES, 672 COMMENTS

[teddyfinch]

@teddyfinch You’ll have to wait and see, @clarissa-evans 😘

[teddyfinch]

clarissa-evans‌:

It was the question they had been working to get to all night. The one topic of conversation that had been underlying their entire catharsis of the evening… and their tumultuous shared time. It had always been leading them up to this point of their relationship, a point Clarissa had steadily been losing faith they’d ever reach. Theodore’s gaze upon her, tender and fond made her stomach tightened. Nervous and excited at the ray of emotions that flitted through his bright blue eyes, the same baby blues that had captivated her that fateful night on the side of the road. Clarissa waited with bated breath, completely unsure of how this was going to unravel but as he kissed her knuckles, she slowly began to relax. But the relaxation didn’t last long; Theodore finally said the words she had been longing to hear for months now. Clarissa’s heart stuttered in her chest and her dark eyes searched the ocean depths of his, trying to see if he was being genuine on this…if there was any hint of doubt in him. But all she found was sincerity and love. He really wanted this, A real relationship. It stunned her to hear those words from Theodore. It wasn’t something she ever thought that Theodore would want, too haunted and hurt by his past. But before she could fully process what he said to her or even respond, anxiety crossed her love’s features as he spoke again. The question did grow a moment of thought, of hesitancy in Clarissa. Did she still want to be in a relationship with Theodore? After all that they had been through?

Had he asked her this question a week beforehand or even upon her landing in LAX, Clarissa might have said no. Not because it wasn’t something she wanted with Theodore but because she had been so convinced that she wasn’t any good for him. They had been too incompatible, too at odds and too unwilling to let their guards down otherwise. The estranged lovers have been too toxic. But things were different now. Theodore had opened up to her in ways she never thought he would, an act that may seem small to others but Clarissa was well aware of how hard and significant that was for her love. It had softened her own heart, pushed her defenses down. Theodore asking her if a relationship was something she wanted was another sign that told Clarissa they could work things out. It showed there was and would be a consideration for now. No longer would he make all the decisions of their relationship, leaving her in the dark.  If they entered this, they would be a team now. Truly a team. The smile on her face grew and she let go of his hand in order to cup his cheek, her thumb tracing over his cheekbone. “It’s what I’ve always wanted, Teddy.” For the months they had been together, it was all she had yearned for but she had been patient with him, knowing his reservations. “I’ve always wanted to be yours.” Elation ran through her veins, with every beat of her heart filling her up with the happiness she was feeling. It was surreal. It was almost impossible to believe that after so much heartache, they were finally taking this step together. “Took you long enough, Theodore Finch.” Clarissa huffed out a laugh before the hand on his cheek lowered until she held his chin between her thumb and forefinger. Their eyes met and Clarissa’s heart beat erratically in her chest. “I love you.” She whispered softly, leaning up to meet his lips in a soft and tender kiss. She was no longer chilled by the bitter air around them but warmed entirely by his love. 

His nerves began to ebb away as he watched the smile upon Clarissa’s face double in size. In their place returned the sparks of excitement, equally overwhelming but all the more welcomed. His own smile stretched his cheeks beneath the palm of her hand, hardly able to hide his elation at what he was almost certain would be her confirmation. And when those words finally did come, the actor all but melted against his love’s touch. A real relationship. It was all he’d never known he’d wanted. All he’d never thought he could have had until very recently. But Clarissa had fought hard enough for the both of them, she’d seen beyond his irrational fears and trepidation. She’d known, seemingly from the beginning, that theirs was a love that could break the mold. Of course, there would be many trials to come – some that Theodore was rife with anxiety about. But all that mattered for now was that they were together, really together. He was rendered breathless by her devotion, sealing the deal on their relationship, the words binding them together in a way they’d never been tied before. It was dizzying, especially considering how broken they’d been when he’d picked her up from the airport this morning. “So this is it, then. This is us.” He jittered with excitement, warmth flooding through him as he watched Clarissa. His hand fell to her side, squeezing it softly as she teased him and he chuckled along with her. But their laughter subsided rather quickly, the pair of lovers drawn back into the overwhelming notion that, for the first time in their tumultuous relationship, they were truly together. His heart thudded in his chest at her profession of love, unable to breathe out his own before her lips grazed against his. Theodore welcomed their warmth eagerly, their mouths moving together in a way that was so deeply familiar, yet so new and exciting all at once. No longer did he have to wonder which kiss might be their last or count down the days until their relationships end. “I love you too, Riss.” He whispered against her lips once they’d broken apart, his hand in her hair holding her close to him, her warm breath tickling his face. “And I’m so grateful you’ve been so patient with me. I know I’ve tested it and taken it for granted at times. But I want you to know how much I appreciate it.” He hummed softly, closing the small space between them as he brushed his lips against hers. With a gentle sigh he laid back further on the lounge and tugged Clarissa closer to him. Throes of both exhaustion and contentment washed over the actor, who felt so wonderfully warm with his love in his arms. He held her snugly, his fingertips slowly tracing along her skin as he pressed gentle kisses to whatever part of her he could reach. But soon, he could keep his eyes open no longer. And with the comfort of a new and promising beginning between the lovers, Theodore drifted off to sleep. It was the soundest he’d slept in weeks.  

The sound of his phone ringing cut through the early morning serenity and stirred the pair of lovers from their sleep. It took Theodore a moment to discern where he was and remind himself of the conversation that he and Clarissa had shared last night, of the commitment they’d made to one another before they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms. A soft smile played across his lips as his eyes flickered down to his girlfriend, comforting her with a gentle squeeze before he went in search of his phone. Finding it stashed beneath a cushion, he fished it out and blinked slowly at the ID that flashed over the screen. His mum. Had it been almost anybody else, he might have silenced the call but instead he answered it with a fond smile. “Hi mum.” He greeted warmly, though his voice was still thick with sleep. The familiar voice on the other end chirped back an overly enthusiastic birthday greeting, to which he laughed – having almost forgotten that today he turned thirty-two – and thanked her. He shifted his weight against Clarissa, holding her closer to his body and tracing his fingers up and down along her arm as he conversed with his mother. Questions about the drive, the car, the festival flooded through the line and they breezed through each topic with a familiar ease and joviality. “And what are you up to now?” He glanced down at Clarissa, unable to hide the grin that stretched across his lips, before answering rather nonchalantly. “Oh, I’m just hanging out with my girlfriend. We’ll probably have some breakfast and then head back home?” Theodore cocked his head to the side, speaking now to Clarissa as well as he offered her the suggestion. But then came a screech from the end of the line, the sound almost deafening Theodore who could not hide his laughter. “Your girlfriend! You worked it out?!” “We did.” He grinned, still running his fingertips across his love’s soft skin. His mother continued to gush loudly down the phone line, to which Teddy laughed and smiled about as he peppered soft kisses through Clarissa’s hair. Answering questions as they came and reiterating – several times – that, yes, he really was in a relationship, until at last he managed to part ways from the call. And when he did, his cheeks were flushed a healthy shade of pink and a coy smile played across his lips. “So, that was my mum.” He chuckled and pressed another kiss to Clarissa’s forehead, not having needed to clarify that fact at all. “She wants to know if you’d like to come to dinner tonight? I know meeting the parents is a bit much for day one of a relationship. But she’s so excited to meet you, Riss.” He nodded with a warm smile, reaffirming his mother’s enthusiasm to meet his first girlfriend in nearly a decade. “Plus, you’re totally ready. Trust me.” He added cheekily, patting her thigh with his hand and throwing her a wink.

[teddyfinch]

winterflores‌:

         her eyes shifted to the hand being extended in her direction, not bothering to do more than look back up towards him. reconciliation between the two was a concept that no longer seemed to be an option to winter and the thought of being cordial ? hardly likely.  there mere thought of it was enough to have the brunette scoff, arms folding underneath her chest as brown eyes glanced back up to the man’s face, “ i love clarissa and everything, but you’re a joke and i’m not going to pretend otherwise. i don’t like you, never will, and i’m not going to act friendly just because you’re dating my friend.”

Theodore hardly found surprising that Winter hadn’t warmed to his suggestion. It had been a long shot and the actor had realised as much even before the words had left his lips. It was beginning to irk him that she was so hellbent on hating him. Yes, he had made a mistake. A big one at that. But he tried to remind himself that, at the end of the day, it was only really Clarissa’s opinion that mattered. “A joke?” He repeated, his brows slightly drawn as he folded his arms across his chest, mirroring the brunette’s posture. “Alright, Winter, noted.” His voice dripped with sarcasm as he tapped a finger against the lid of his coffee cup. “But unfortunately for you, I think we’re going to be running into each other a lot more in the future.” 

[teddyfinch]

anichkaiv‌:

Anichka could see his disapproval. It was practically radiating off of him. What was it to him anyway? She was alive. She hadn’t starved to death or collapsed from lack of sleep so why was it an issue? Sometimes, even doing that was too much of an effort. Everything felt like too much of an effort. Nothing had meaning and the things that did were the worst things. People said it was better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. Anichka disagreed with that. All the years she spent before Yakov were nothing compared to this. back then, she didn’t know what she was missing out on. Now, she did. She was so painfully aware of the empty spot in her life and in her heart. Trauma she had never dealt with was simply amplified by losing him, the one thing that kept her going despite all of it.

She looked away, shifting under his soft gaze. It was like he was looking right into her, right into whatever heart she had left. Now, it was her turn to scoff. “There’s none of that left.” Old times? How could it be like old times? Yakov was dead and they were in some small town she hadn’t even known the name of when she turned up. Never again was Yakov going to spend weeks planning an elaborate prank to pull on Teddy on his arrival home. Never again would she snap a photo of the pair passed out on the couch after an attempt at a Marvel marathon. Never again would… There was no point continuing. She crossed her arms over her chest, closing herself off from him. “Not a good idea.”  At his little line, the corner of her mouth quirked up, just slightly. “Still doing that then?”

Anichka might have been right, but Theodore refused to believe it. They may be thousands of miles from home and many lengths from the people they’d been back then. And gone was such an integral piece of their unit -- Theodore’s eyes began to water again at the thought of Yakov. But somewhere deep within, he knew that woman that had taken him under her wing all those many years ago was still there. Despite everything that had shaped Anichka, everything that had built her up and torn her down, he knew that was an inherent part of her. And it warmed him so wholly to see a small slice of that in the way her lips twitched upward. His own smile widened ever so slightly at the sight. This was a good idea, and he would convince her of that. 

“Look, I’ve learned a lot being here...” He began, reminiscing with a bittersweet smile upon all that Clarissa had taught him in the time they’d spent living together. And then all that she had tried to teach him. “But I still haven’t mastered that.” The smallest of chuckles left the actor, just a breath and then it was gone. His face fell back into solemnity. “Please don’t push me away, Anichka.” The plead was almost a whisper as it left his lips, his voice low and soft. “We need to stick together.” He had been lost before he’d found Anichka, wandering the streets of Hollywood with no purpose or direction. And though he was no longer that young and scrawny young man, he still needed her. And now she needed him. “He wouldn’t have wanted us to fall apart.”

[teddyfinch]

catalina--vargas‌:

Catalina watched the recognition slowly enter his stream of consciousness as he pieced together the night they met and the smile on her face turned even more sympathetic at that. She could only imagine how hard reliving that must be and she felt a bit bad to have brought it up. “Hard work should be recognized and you’ve obviously been working hard.” It was evident in everything about him and loved seeing it. She had a couple of people she met through the years, arrests she saw turn their life around and she really enjoyed seeing that. It made what she did have a purpose. 

Catalina chuckled lightly, her fingers drumming mindlessly against the bar top as she nodded her head at his claims. “I know. You were going through a rough patch. We all have them but, like I said, I’m happy to see you turn it around. A chance to meet the real you is nice.” Her words were spoken with compassion, having been exposed to stories like his many times over during her tenure. The subject was changed and she followed his lead but unable to heave a heavy sigh. “You can say that again. I find myself missing LA more and more with each passing day.” The brunette figured if anyone could understand it would be the Hollywood actor next to her. LA was home to both of them. “But I’m here following a lead for a case. I have a witness in town so I’m temporarily partnering with Crownsville PD.” It then it dawned on her how odd it was that he was here as well. “What about you? You’re pretty far away from home too.”

It was almost unnerving how warm the woman was. This meeting was such a stark contrast from the evening she’d arrested him. She was sweet and kind, traits he knew that would have swum beneath her professionalism that evening. He now realised how lucky he was that she was the one that had been sent to apprehend him. “Well, thank you.” Theodore said, relishing her praise. “Strangely, it’s also really nice to meet you properly too.” A chuckle left him as he ran his fingers through his hair, offering the brunette a soft smile.

“You’re telling me.” He hummed in agreement with her, almost able to feel the sticky LA sunshine upon him as his mind travelled to his hometown. He missed it desperately, though sated himself with the short trips back and the new home he’d found in Crownsville, in Clarissa. “A case?” He repeated with arched brows. Finding himself relieved of the earlier tension with every passing minute. “That’s probably one of the most interesting things this town has seen in months.” He mused before reflecting on the town’s recent accident and the sticky web of connections that seemed to entrap all of its residents, including him, within it. “Well, actually... I take that back. It’s pretty surprising how much drama a little town like this can hold. I’m sure you’ll find that out for yourself soon, Cat.” He said with a laugh before waving over the bartender to order a beer, both intrigued by and settled enough with the detective to want to stick around. Her drink looking rather lonely before them. “It’s kind of a long story.” He began with a chuckle, offering the bartender his cash and a smile before taking a sip of his beer and turning back to face Cat. “But I was shooting a film just out of town. And much to my surprise -- and, I’ll admit, my initial dismay -- I fell in love with a woman that had just moved here.” Theodore shrugged, relishing how freeing it felt to be so candid about Clarissa. And how odd it was that Cat, of all people, was the person he was divulging this to. “And, in ways, the town and all the people in it. So be careful, Cat. You might find yourself here for longer than you’d hoped.”

[teddyfinch]

ashbarncs‌:

A warm smile crept on Ash’s lips at the sight of his friend, instantly moving his feet so he could take a sit a seat as well. “You have no idea but you what would make it better though?” He smirked placing kicking off his shoes and placing his feet on Teddy’s lap. “A foot massage.” He teased wiggling his toes and feet. Ash’s smile faded a little and sat straight at the mention of his little brother. “He’s good, it’s not as worse as it sounds you know? They just have him there to check on him because well you never now with cancer right? But everything seems alright so far, so hopefully they’ll discharge him soon….but what about you?” He said turning to face his friend with a concerned look on his face. “What’s going on with you? And don’t say nothing cause I noticed the look on your face when you walked in.”

Theodore’s nose crinkled up at the ribbing suggestion, a chuckle broke from him for the first time in several days and he relished the tension it brought to his cheeks. “Definitely not.” He laughed, whacking his friends feet as he stretched back against the couch. Theodore’s mouth twisted thoughtfully as he cast his eyes over Ash’s solemn expression, a deep pang of sympathy for his friend and his family filled the actor.  “Yeah, of course. That’s such shit luck though, he’s the last person that needs to be back in there.” Theodore sighed with a shake of his head. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do anything for you guys, yeah? I’ve got plenty of time on my hands at the moment.” The actor stiffened for a moment at Ash’s question, ready to gloss over how truly terrible he’d felt as of late until his friend nipped that notion in the bud. Theodore snorted softly despite himself. “I don’t even know where to start.” He began, rubbing roughly at his face before leaning his head against the couch, turning it to face Ash. “Clarissa doesn’t want a bar of me, man. All we seem to do is fight whenever we see each other.” He shook his head again, twisting his mouth to one side as he tried to ward off the ache in his heart. “This is exactly why I don’t do relationships. They’re too fucking painful. I’m starting to think I should’ve just stayed in LA.” 

[teddyfinch]

So I only got half done with replies but I am so super zapped from a busy week (which is why I’ve been pretty MIA), so I’m gonna head to bed loves. Should have the others up tomorrow 💕

[teddyfinch]

gydalance‌:

Gyda’s brows pulled together and she jerked her head back at him coming out with it. She shook her head, biting down on her lip before raising a hand to stop him from going any further. “What happened between me and Clarissa is our business. I appreciate you caring about her though. You’re slowly redeeming yourself.” Her brows pulled together, “if I remember right you broke her heart, but everyone deserves a second chance, right?” She shook her head, “I don’t take back how I felt and my reaction to what I felt. I did apologize to Clarissa though and we’re working on it.” She cleared her throat not really wanting to discuss it much more because she was trying and talking about it just brought up the loss of trust she had in Clarissa.

Theodore’s brows drew together questioningly, shifting his weight from one leg to the other and then back again. Their business? He couldn’t helped the scoff that left him, after all the grief he’d gotten from Gyda prying into he and Clarissa’s relationship. “That’s a bit rich coming from you, isn’t it?” He prodded, the incredulity plain on his features. “You never gave me that liberty, anything that ever happened between Clarissa and I somehow concerned you too.” Theodore shook his head, reaching a hand up to rub at the stubble that dusted his cheek. “Look, Gyda. I’m glad you’re trying to fix things. And you’re not wrong, ok? I know I’m not perfect. But I expected more from you.” The actor gave a shrug of his shoulders, his expression softening slightly as he did so. “She expected more from you. She was having a tough time, more than she let on, more than she ever lets on.”

[teddyfinch]

rose-harmon‌:

The shock that rang through Rosemarie was mirrored by her parents at the sharp and growled words that came from the man standing at the entrance of the apartment. “Excuse me?” Stacey’s voice cut through the silence that had taken over the space between the four adults and Rose had to blink back her shock. What was Theodore doing? Why was he here, defending, her? She had been so sure of where Theodore stood and for the first time since the day at the hospital, she was starting to doubt the conclusion she had come to. But before she could dwell much longer on it, her mother’s voice cut through them. “I don’t believe this concerns you, Mr. Finch. This is between us and Rosemarie.” Before she could continue her irade, the once sweet tone now as chilling as it had been when direct to Rose, was interrupted by Matthew. “Stacey, enough. Let’s go; it’s clear we are not needed here and it’s best we take off. We have more important things to take care of.” The slight wasn’t directed right at Rose but its implication had once again been a dagger right into her heart. A painful reminder of how much her parents really disliked her and wished she had never been part of their lives. 

Rose’s hazel hues stayed low to the ground, gripping fiercely at the handlebars of her crutches and she didn’t raise the gaze until she heard the click of her apartment door. The sharp sound allowing Rose to breathe a little more freely, even if the weight of her parents’ visit still hung heavily on her shoulders. Slowly, she collected her bearings and shifted her weight before glancing up to Theodore. She bit her lip, confusion swirling inside of her at the bittersweet reality of having her former best friend standing here before her. Still, she swallowed her pride and slowly made her way towards her couch to sit down before speaking up. “Thank you… for standing up to them. You really didn’t have to do that.” But she was so glad that he had. The red-head would have probably still been suffering through their assault if he hadn’t shown up when he did. But that brought a bigger question to the forefront of her mind. What was he doing here? Though it pained her, Rose had made it abundantly clear that their ties had been severed. She couldn’t risk leaning on someone who had so easily abandoned her… especially someone she loved as much as she loved Theodore. He had been her brother but, like all of her family, he had turned his back to her too. “Teddy… what are you doing here?” There was no venom to her words, only exhaustion because Rose was so tired. The last few weeks had drained the life from her, the spark that had once been so prominent in her nature snuffed out to the point even Rose didn’t recognize herself anymore. “What do you want?”

Theodore stiffened as the older woman’s icy tone sliced through the tension that had been building between the four of them – each trying to discern where the others stood. His arms folded tightly across his chest at her words, which did nothing to quiet his dogged defence of his best friend. Their professional relationship was severed in that moment, but Theodore hardly cared. They had been damn good lawyers but he’d no immediate intention of growing so wayward again. And even if he did, he would sooner be thrown a heftier sentence then return to the people who had more or less thrown Rose out onto the kerb. A retort was stewing silently within him, almost steaming from his ears as he stared down Stacey Harmon, his jaw set into place. But the tense exchange was cut short by her husband, who at least had the sense to know when to back down. Theodore’s eyes followed them, but his mind laid with Rose who stood behind his line of sight. There was not even a goodbye. Just a word of something more important and then they’d swept out of the room, out of the apartment and the door had clicked shut behind them. What could possibly be more important than Rose, than their own daughter? 

Though the Harmons had left, Theodore was still very much tense in their wake. His jaw still clenched, his shoulders still squared and as he turned to Rose, he could see that it was the very same case for Rose. They did not speak as she made her way to the couch, he only watched her intently with half the mind to reach for her and help her with her crutches, though – like almost everything in his life as of late – he worried that he would only make things worse. He managed to mask most of his winces as he watched her settle herself down on the couch, but was still filled with an insatiable urge to help despite how she’d insisted she didn’t want any of it. He hated seeing her this way. His bright and bubbly best friend buried beneath the weight of first her relapse, then the accident in town, and now this? Surely there was only so much more she could take. “Of course, Rose. I wasn’t going to stand there and let them continue to have at you like that.” He huffed, shaking his head as he moved to perch opposite her upon the coffee table. He was thankful at least that she’d managed to go a sentence without exiling him from her apartment as she had her hospital room. But as she spoke again, he wondered if that was only because she lacked the energy to do so. “What do you think I want?” The question obviously rhetorical as he posed it to her with a soft shake of his head and a furrowed brow, the frustration he felt ebbing slowly to the surface. “I miss you, Rose.” His affect softened for a moment and he had to resist the urge to reach out and touch her for the fear that she would bolt away from him, and with her the opportunity to rekindle their friendship. “And I’ve had a long time to think about how fucking stupid this is.” He almost laughed, but the sound caught in his throat, strangling his voice with emotion. The actor rubbed roughly at his face before settling his gaze upon her. What if he’d lost her in that accident? Or in her relapse? What if she’d met the same fate as Yakov? This all seemed so menial in comparison. “I fucked up, ok? I realise that – now more than ever.” He said as he gestured towards the door that her parents had disappeared through. “But I never meant to abandon you, Rose. I would never do that intentionally.”

[teddyfinch]

clarissa-evans‌:

The soft murmur of Theodore’s best friend’s name had Clarissa’s face twisting into a look of confusion. The familiar name was not spoken with the normal thread of fondness that touched his time but rather a tone of unease and guilt. The same tone he’d started to use around her as of late. “Most of it?” She questioned softly, arching a brow in his direction. It was easy to tell that something wasn’t right and Clarissa wondered what had happened between Theodore and Rose. “Hey,” She started, shifting to face Theodore a little more fully, concern swimming in her dark hues. “Are things okay between the two of you?” From the shifting of his weight and the tightening of his arm, Clarissa could deduce the answer to her question but she hoped he’d talk to her about it. She’d hate to know that there had been a falling out between the two friends. From personal experience with Gyda, she knew how painful a loss of a close friend could be. 

The harshness of his tone, sudden and jarring, caused Clarissa to stiffen in his embrace, her defenses automatically starting to build right back around her. How could he be upset with her for having doubts? Theodore had done little to nothing as of late to warrant any trust in him and the picture had not exactly been innocent. Even without the tabloids exploiting the image, she would have been insecure over it. At his apology, Clarissa softened slowly and chose to listen to him rather react in her own form of self-defense, knowing from past experience that it would only cause a fight to break out between the lovers, something they might not survive considering how fragile the ground they were standing on was. There was hardly anything that could have stopped the way Clarissa’s eyes rolled at the mention of them taking Molly because she was positive Avalyn had supplied them in another obvious show of her selfishness and carelessness. There was never any consideration for Theodore and with every bit, she learned of the starlet, Clarissa found she disliked her more and more. If she ever ran into Avalyn, there would be hell to pay. But despite how much she hated to hear that they had gotten high together, she was a bit relieved to learn the nature of their meeting and while there was a side of her that remained insecure and doubtful, she understood for the most part. It just angered her that, once again, Avalyn was to blame for inflicting so much damage to this man rather than being honest with him. Her act had left him blocked away from happiness, terrified to let anyone in - their relationship almost at its end because of the way she had heartlessly broken him eight years ago. “It does. You needed the closure.” He had needed to know that love could be enough from the person that had made him believe that it wasn’t. “I know you’re frustrated with me for believing it, but you have to understand how unsettling it was to see that image. It’s not that I believed the stories, but it’s hard to fight against evidence of a very chummy reunion with the woman you loved so much and who was such a big part of your story.” Clarissa sighed, meeting his gaze hesitantly. “It’d be like you seeing a picture of  Christian and me.” She raised her hand to stop the protest she knew was coming, continuing on to show that she understood his point of view too. “I know it’s different to you, because, despite the fact that I hadn’t loved him for the last couple of years of our relationship, I had been engaged with him a month or so before we met but the sentiments of seeing us together are exactly the same” She tried to explain her side of the story and why she would even have these types of doubts. Their relationship had terse to start with and had it been any other woman, Clarissa might have waved it off, hurt but she wouldn’t have thought much of it. This hadn’t been a random woman, however. It had been Avalyn and she could only imagine the reaction Theodore would have had if the image had been of her and Christian being as chummy. They probably wouldn’t have had a relationship to try and save if that had been the case. 

The pair of jilted lovers continued in that fashion for the majority of the night. Talking and relating until the last hours of the evening. They touched a variety of topics, some soft and others that proved a bit more difficult to talk about. Slowly but surely, they unearthed some of their deeper issues, issues that Clarissa knew they had needed to discuss to even think about moving forward. Though some of the subjects had been uncomfortable, through tender touches and loving kisses, they had found the strength within one another to discuss them. Clarissa told Theodore everything that had happened the last few weeks in her life and he had done the same until finally, it seemed they had run out of things to talk about and a comfortable silence fell over them. They basked in it, taking a break from the rawness they had been sharing all evening. Clarissa curled herself deeper into him, tugging the blanket a little higher over them to shield them against the semi-bitter night air. The palm of her hand lay flat against the strong planes of his chest, rubbing soft, soothing circles. They had touched everything but one very important topic and it was probably the one topic that she was most anxious about. Though there had been plenty of implications of where they wanted to go from this point forward, carved by the big promises they made to each other, Clarissa had learned to never assume anything when it came to Theodore. She wasn’t sure what he wanted from her or for them. If he wanted to keep things similarly to how they were before he left for LA, Clarissa wasn’t sure she could give him that because she wanted so much more. She always had. “Teddy,” she started, lacing their fingers together before she glanced up at her love. “So, where does this leave us?” The question was tentative as it was breathed into the space between them, as Clarissa shifted her weight against him.

The night grew steadily bitter as Clarissa and Theodore delved deep into the fractures of their relationship. The cool air might have been a good excuse for them to huddle closer together, but it seemed the recently estranged lovers needn’t use excuses any longer. They sought comfort in one another for other reasons, as if they pressed close enough together through their conversation then nothing could serve to drive a wedge between them. And the longer they spoke without breaking out into a fight – the minutes quickly melding into hours – the easier their discussions seemed to flow. His heart still ached terribly. Both for all his wrong doings and for his losses outside of their relationship: Rose, Anichka, Yakov… But it all seemed easier with Clarissa by his side. And just as she soothed him, he comforted her. Their discussions peppered with soft kisses and warm embraces. They talked and talked and talked. Talked until Theodore felt his eyelids begin to grow heavy with exhaustion, the catharsis having drawn out not only the poison within him but his energy with it too. With his legs now stretched out along the length of the couch, he cradled Clarissa to his side. He’d not let go of her since she’d first curled into him. He welcomed her search for closeness though, and let his arms wind tighter around her shoulders and her waist as she buried deeper into his frame. His fingers mimicked the pattern of her palms against his chest, tracing soft circles into her side as they soaked in the silence that had befallen them. “Mmm?” He hummed as she called his name out, sensing the air of uncertainty that clouded Clarissa as she laced their fingers together. He squeezed her hand in encouragement, no longer anxious about what was to follow, the edge having been taken off him throughout the evening. What more could they possibly have to discuss?

The question begged a doting kind of warmth from Theodore, who looked down upon his love fondly and felt his stomach flip over at the sight of her. It seemed as if they’d been barrelling towards this point all evening, this one final question – where did this all leave the two of them? “Clarissa, I want to be with you.” He breathed out as his gaze flickered across her beautiful face. With their hands still joined, he lifted her knuckles to his mouth and pressed his lips against them. “I know I’ve said that before and I know I’ve meant it in many different ways. But this time I mean it, Riss. Really mean it.” He pressed, reaching his free hand up to thread through her soft locks of hair. “I want a real relationship with you.” Even as the words fell from his lips, Theodore felt as if they were being spoken by another person. It was surreal. It had been so long since he’d had any semblance of an adult relationship. And though he was terrified he’d forgotten how to be in one, he knew Clarissa would be patient and kind with him. Or at least, he hoped she would. “Is that… Is that what you want too?” The butterflies in his stomach returned and Theodore, upon reminding himself that he was not the only one that made decisions in this relationship, chewed down anxiously upon his lower lip. Once upon a time, he had been so certain of what she’d wanted and he had held her at arm’s length because of it. But now, he couldn’t be so sure. He had put Clarissa through the wringer and since his arrival back in Crownsville, she hadn’t been as forthcoming. Even with the turn of their conversation this evening, there was still a niggling doubt that began to fester within him.

[cailans]

Visit Original Link

[teddyfinch]

But I swear, I thought I dreamed her She never asked me once about the wrong I did

@clarissa-evans

[teddyfinch]

gydalance‌:

Gyda shrugged and not, “yeah about as happy as I could be to see you I guess. Means you and Clarissa survived Coachella.” She took a deep breath and pursed her lips, “it’s going. I got everything done, just finalizing.” She had missed having Clarissa’s help and organization in this but she was handling it the best she could. “How’s your life going?”

Theodore nodded along with the blonde’s words, a warm smile spreading across his lips at the mention of his now girlfriend. They had more than survived Coachella — it had shaped them, it had healed them. And while there was still a ways to go, they finally seemed to be on the right path. Together. “Good. A lot better now that Clarissa’s back in it.” He said pointedly, letting the words hang in the air between them for a few heavy seconds before heaving a sigh. “Gyda, she told me what happened between the two of you.” His tone was cooler, his expression hardened as he drew his arms tighter across the planes of his chest. “Don’t you think you were a bit harsh on her?”

[teddyfinch]

catalina–vargas‌:

In the cerulean hues of the Hollywood star’s eyes was deep scrutiny and Catalina could see that he had realized she was familiar to him but couldn’t seem to place her. It was hardly a shock for the detective when the question was thrown her way. She took a second to cast her eyes over him, noticing the many ways in which he looked better than he had that fateful night their paths crossed. He wasn’t quite as pale, his skin now holding a healthier glow. He wasn’t as gaunt looking – his body now shaped and better-taken care of. And while she wasn’t one to assume that all his troubles had gone away, Cat would admit she was glad he seemed to be doing better. Whenever she arrested people like him – lost and strayed from their paths – she always made it a point to pray for them and she was so thankful, as she always way, when she saw someone come back from that.

“We have.” She affirmed, trying to figure out how to broach the topic lightly. It was obvious that bringing up such a dark night in his past might not be a pleasant thing and in retrospective, she probably shouldn’t have said anything at all. Not wanting to bring up how awfully messed up he had been the night of his arrest – no doubt the reason why he didn’t remember her – Cat brought the attention onto herself. “I think I look a bit different now, but we met about eight or so years ago.” When there was still no recognition, Catalina sighed and held out her hand for him to shake. “I’m Detective Vargas from LAPD…but back then, I met you as an officer.” She pressed him a warm smile, her eyes searching for any sign of recollection in him. “But please, call me Cat.” A small chuckle pushed from her chest and she shook her head, her hand falling back to her side after he had shaken it. “I know, it’s probably not the greatest thing to see the person who arrested you but I’m glad to see that you’re doing better. I just had to say hello.”

Theodore arched a brow as the brunette woman inched closer and closer to revealing her identity to him. Feeding him small pieces of information, none of which seemed to click with the actor who was growing more anxious with every sweep of his gaze across her face. Eight years ago. Even for a man who had barely passed fourth grade math, Theodore knew almost instantly the period of his life that she was referring to. The man she would have met almost a decade ago a far cry even from now. He knew her, he was sure he did — just as she’d confirmed. But the memory floated somewhere in the deep, shadowed recesses of his mind. A place he didn’t allow himself to revisit all that often. It unnerved Theodore greatly, and her sheer presence next to him had him on edge, at odds with her kindness.

The moment she mentioned LAPD, he stilled like a deer in the headlights as his wild blue eyes flickered between the woman’s warm affect and her outstretched hand. Piece by piece he began to recollect her — her name, the flash of her badge, the undercurrent of sympathy he’d sworn he’d heard beneath her cool voice and her even firmer grip. He remembered how she’d apprehended him in a shadowed corner of LA, his knuckles swollen and his ego bruised almost as badly as that asshole’s nose. Theodore had not even put up a fight, to high to do so even if he’d wanted to. The actor pressed his lips together, urging himself from his unsolicited trip down memory lane and finally reached out to shake the woman’s hand. “Cat...” He breathed out, still shellshocked by her presence and, admittedly, rather ashamed of the person he’d been when he’d last met her. Still she did much to quell the tension between them with her warm smile and  her outstretched hand, which he shook rather dazedly.  A nervous chuckle broke from Theodore as she mentioned his arrest and he coursed a hand through his hair. “Yeah, it’s a little strange.” He laughed, still strung with nerves but forcing himself to press through them. After all, how many people in jail had  gotten to shake hands with the person that had arrested them. “But thank you, that’s very gracious of you to say.” A warmer smile pulled at the corners of his lips then, encouraged by the woman’s compassionate nature. "That wasn’t, uh -- That wasn’t really me that night, y’know?” He smiled through gritted teeth, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck. Truth be told, he didn’t really remember the night at all -- so fuelled by drugs, alcohol and a heavy dose of heartache. “Anyway, you’re a long way from LA, Detective.” He offered, changing the subject with a curious smile as he began to grow itchy with nerves. “What brings you to Crownsville?”

[teddyfinch]

clarissa-evans‌:

The smallest of nods and the tender kiss to her forehead was the silent confirmation Clarissa had been searching for. It seemed that, finally, Theodore was starting to realize that she wasn’t one to scare of easily and that when she had said over and over again that she wanted to be by his side, she had meant every word of it. Warmth began to percolate throughout her being under the kiss he pressed her and the gentle caresses of his fingers through her dark locks. With every pass of his fingers, Theodore slowly ebbed away more and more of her walls, allowing Clarissa to fall back into the comfort of his embrace and not doubt his words. Clarissa nodded her head against his chest at the sighed words. The future remained hazy for the estranged couple – their present still as undefined as ever- but now it finally appeared that they were both on the same page again. It was a start. The future might turn out a little hard to navigate but they didn’t need all the answers right now.  They didn’t need perfection.  They just needed each other and everything else they would through it together. However, at the last of Theodore’s words, it was Clarissa’s turn to sigh, rubbing her hand soothingly along his side. “You’re not an idiot.” She tutted him with a roll of her eyes, “You just – like you said – needed some time and that’s okay. It’s okay to need space. I just need you to communicate that with me, Teddy, because –“Clarissa paused, overcome by the acute ache that formed in her heart. The ache that Teddy had instilled in her heart one too many times. Every time he ran from her. “I’m petrified, Theodore. I’m absolutely terrified that you’ll run away, and I can’t … I don’t think I could handle you running from me again. I can’t chase you anymore and every day I’m scared that the tiniest thing will make you bolt.” With closed eyes, Clarissa inhaled deeply and finally exhaled through her nostrils. “So, if you need to go, just give me a heads up that you need space and that’s okay. At least that way, I’ll know you’ll come back once you’ve had time to breathe and deal with whatever it was that you need to”

Listening in silence, Clarissa tucked her head underneath Theodore’s chin once more as he began to tell her about his past a bit more, trying to offer what consolation she could to his anxious state.  Avalyn. The name was spoken into the space between the two estranged lovers and Clarissa’s body instantly became stiff in his embrace. There was so much disdain tied to that name, for Clarissa. The root of so much hurt and hardship for the man holding her close. The reason he bared so many scars.  But Clarissa didn’t stiffen because he had simply mentioned his ex-girlfriend – it was the context in which she had entered the story. It should have been obvious and while Clarissa had grown her own suspicions regarding Avalyn and her involvement with Theodore’s addiction, to hear it confirmed caused her blood to boil. Avalyn had been the start of it all for Theodore and it utterly baffled Clarissa to no end how someone could lead the person they love down such a dangerous road. There was no way she hadn’t seen how dependent he became on the substances throughout the years. They had been together for half a decade and if Clarissa was a betting woman, she would hazard a gamble that Avalyn had seen it but had found no care or responsibility in helping him sort it out. Manipulative. It was the only word that came to Clarissa’s mind when describing the Hollywood starlet. Selfish, fit nicely too. For the first time in her life, Clarissa could feel hate beginning to fester within her, all of it directed to his ex. Still, Clarissa tried to calm herself down, not wanting to give Theodore the wrong impression of what had riled her up so much. When he pressed her the sympathetic smile, Clarissa returned it, allowing the comparison of their teen years to distract her. Clarissa had grown up preparing for that type of role and though, still overwhelming, she had always known what was expected of her. Theodore had been thrown into it overnight, so it was no surprise he had struggled. The woman squeezed him affectionately to her, trying to pass as much love and support as she could through the gesture. She was all too eager to offer any comfort Teddy sought out as he embarked on his tale, holding him close to her. It made sense to her know why he developed an addiction. He had not had it easy and the one person who was supposed to help him adjust and guide him during those overwhelming moments had led him on a destructive path and left him to fend, essentially, by himself. It wasn’t that Avalyn hadn’t seen; Avalyn had chosen to ignore it. To ignore Theodore’s cries for help. She had been his first dealer and his enabler for years. Avalyn might have loved Theodore during the start of their relationship, but it was becoming abundantly clear to Clarissa that Avalyn either fell out of with him rather quickly or had never known how to properly love. Either way, she had left Theodore to suffer, wounded so badly that even after a decade, he still wasn’t whole. But the brunette understood now, even if only a little more and she was so thankful for that window he had given her.  “Does Rose know all about this?” She asked curiously, hoping that he had someone on his side that knew about this and was able to help him during his current struggle. “Your past and what you’re going through now?” Even knowing what she did now, Rose would always be a better resource for him because she could understand Teddy in a way Clarissa couldn’t. She was thankful he had that in someone, even if it wasn’t with her.  

When Theodore pulled his head back, Clarissa shifted as well, allowing her compassionate eyes to find his raw bright blues. Unable to stop herself, the woman leaned forward and pressed her mouth softly against his, barely a brush of their lips, before she settled back into his embrace. “Thank you for telling me.” The words were breathed, barely above a whisper as her eyes made sure to keep in contact with his. “I know how hard it is for you to do that, to open up and let me in like that.” She murmured, sighing softly before a small smile started to spread on her lips. “But I want you to know that it means the absolute world to me. Even if it’s only snippets you give me.” The arm that was laid over his waist was brought up to rest against his chest, the tips of her fingers playing with the collar of his shirt. “It shows me you love me.” And once more, her gaze dropped from his eyes, glittering with the reflection of the pool lights, to his mouth and she gave in to the urge once more and pressed a kiss to him, hoping it served as some comfort after having told her so much of the past he tried so desperately to keep locked away. Settling back into his embrace, Clarissa let her eyes close while her fingertips continued to mindlessly play with the collar of his shirt. The flesh of her lower lip was suddenly pinched between her teeth, chewed anxiously as she debated on asking the question that had crawled into her mind. It was a question that could lead to another fight, she feared, but Clarissa needed to know for her sanity and for her own insecurity. “Theodore,” She began, voice low and anxious. “Do you…do you still love Avalyn? Or have something with her?” It was a loaded question; one Clarissa wasn’t sure she wanted the answer. “What happened in LA?” Before Theodore had left her and all they had to go back to LA, before the image of him and Avalyn had gone viral, Clarissa would have never asked the question. There never would have been a doubt in her mind but now, the woman couldn’t erase the image from her mind. It was seared in there and how quickly he had turned to Avalyn once leaving her behind in Crownsville. Avalyn was his first real love, a love that manipulated him. A love that used him. A love that is so deeply interwoven with a very large part of who he was.  A love that had once held such a strong grip on all that he was and, in some ways, still did. It made her sick to think that the starlet could still have any hold on her Theodore. On her love. Clarissa didn’t want to take a step or discuss anything more if there were still ties to that woman. Receiving another broken heart, especially another one from Theodore, wasn’t something she could withstand.

Theodore felt how his love stiffened beneath his arm, the ache of tension building with every sentence he spoke. His pulse raced in his neck, betraying the calm affect he was attempting to put upon. Entirely unsure whether it was the mention of Avalyn or the revelation of his past that had put her on defense, Theodore felt as though he was treading about eggshells. Desperately attempting to avoid another fight between them – one he wasn’t sure they could survive – and yet, trying to remain as honest and as open as he could. But her comforting touch soothed him, hushing his trepidation and encouraging his honesty with every squeeze of her fingertips at his side. Rose’s name fell from Clarissa’s lips and where it would have normally brought familiarity and fondness, now it only dredged up a lonely ache and a deep reservoir of guilt. “Rose…” He murmured, realising in that moment how much he’d missed speaking her name out loud. Theodore flushed hot with shame, recalling how he’d lied to Clarissa about her relapse – a subject he still felt rather touchy about even given their current openness. “Yeah, she knows.” He hummed, flicking his eyes across the pool. It had been so easy with Rose, she’d known almost everything there was to know about him in such a short window of time. If only it had been that easy with Clarissa. “Most of it anyway.” He added before clearing his throat and shifting his weight. Rose didn’t know anything of his time in LA, nothing of his relapse, or of his return to Crownsville and the tiresome fights between the estranged couple. What he wouldn’t give just to have her throw a grape at him, to hear her complain about how much of an idiot he was. His arm wrapped tighter around Clarissa, seeking her soft comfort to fill the hole Rose had left in his heart. 

The brush of her lips against his was so soft, so tender. Nothing like how they’d crashed their mouths against one another’s at the festival or up against the front door of the villa. But much in the same way, it left him breathless. And it left his lips tingling in the absence of hers. And as he looked down at her as she pulled away – his tongue tracing across his lower lip, the smallest of smiles warming his face – Theodore felt as though this was truly the beginning for them. The actor’s smile, if still small, only grew warmer with Clarissa’s words of appreciation. He nodded along with them, encouraged with every syllable, every inflect and of course, the smile that inched across her lips. It was such a contrast from the predicament they’d found themselves in on more than one occasion since his return to Crownsville. Hardened by their desperate plight to protect their own hearts. In retrospect, they – mostly he – needn’t have been so spiky with one another. They were on the same team. It was what Clarissa had been trying to tell him all along. As her fingers tickled the skin that lay beneath his collar, her gentle words washed over the little space between them and soaked into Theodore as she leaned up to graze her lips against his again. There were plenty of ways that he had sought to show Clarissa that he loved her but taking the time and the effort to talk things through with her had not historically been one of them. And as he kissed her back, softly and slowly, his fingertips tracing along the line of her jaw, he made a promise to himself to show her in this way more often. “You’re right.” He sighed as they broke away from each other’s lips. “I do find it... difficult. But you...” He began, running his thumb across her cheek as his bright eyes found the dark hues of hers. “You make it easier, Riss. You really do.” A warm smile played across his lips as he let his hand fall away from her face. Because although, of course, telling Rose had been a cake walk in comparison, he had let Clarissa in far more than he ever thought he would have. And, much to his surprise, it wasn’t quite as painstaking as he’d fretted it to be.

It was only minute, but Theodore could feel the tension begin to build up again within his love. His eyes were still upon her, watching the way in which she chewed at her lip, knowing there was a touchy subject she wanted to broach. And although he tried to keep himself from stiffening in return, the question -- when it finally came to light -- was not one he found he could address calmly. “Clarissa, no.” He began, his tone more urgent and short with her than it had been all evening. He couldn’t help it, the idea that he was still in love with Avalyn was so absurd to Theodore and the longer it was touted across tabloids and social media platforms, the more impatient he grew with the topic. But he consciously stopped himself from spiralling into his defenses, pausing to close his eyes and draw in a long, deep breath. Reminding himself of how bad the photo had looked and how he not exactly done a lot to warrant Clarissa’s trust in him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap… But I don’t still love her. I haven’t in a long time.” He sighed, pulling Clarissa closer to him and setting a kiss in her hair. “Nothing happened between us, Riss. Nothing like that.” He forced himself to be patient with her, to kept his voice level and gentle in face of the incredulity that boiled up within him. “I am – I was – a master at avoiding her. I told you that, right?” There was a lick of a smile on his face as he looked down at his love, recalling having boasted to her about it before. “But when I left Crownsville, I think was so preoccupied by everything that went on between us that I just forgot to be as vigilant as I normally would’ve been. The one time I let my guard down and I wind up at the same party as her.” Theodore snorted softly, shaking his head at himself before a sombre look crossed his expression. His stormy eyes bore down into where he had tangled his hand with Clarissa’s, his stomach twisting with shame. “We, uh– we took some Molly. And I guess… We reconnected? But not like that. I know how that photo looks, Riss. I nearly died when I saw it. I’m not saying we didn’t get chummy because obviously we did. But nothing happened. It wasn’t of that nature, at all.” He pinched his lip between his teeth, levelling his gaze with hers. Only noticing now how his muscles had stiffened, still not relaxed after his hackles had come up. “We just talked. We really hashed out what happened with our relationship and why she broke up with me. And it wasn’t because of long distance, not because love wasn’t enough. She just… fell out of love with me. And I never knew that.” He breathed, taking in the lights of the pool and the gentle ripples in the water as he felt himself deflate with the words and relax further into Clarissa’s embrace. The realisation still stung a little, but not nearly as much as the gaping wound that she had let him walk around with for the past eight years. The actor pressed his lips together before finding Clarissa’s gaze once more. “Like I said before… I needed perspective. And in a way, Ava was the only one that could give me that. I came back because I wanted to come back. Because I wanted to be with you, Clarissa. But Avalyn… She sort of opened that door for me by finally – finally –closing the one on our past relationship. Does that… Does that make sense?” Theodore’s gaze flickered anxiously between their joined hands and his lover’s eyes as his trepidation returned, hoping -- praying -- that he had said the right thing this time. But at the very least, he figured that this time he wasn’t yelling it across the hallway at her.