I keep getting notifications from some pictures that I was tagged in on Facebook from graduation. They kept showing up on my iPod, interrupting my music, so I was getting a little bit miffed. I finally work up the motivation go on Facebook to turn the notifications off. And then it really hits me, I'm not going to see many of these people ever again.
Now, a few days ago, I said I was glad about this, to see the back of everyone. And yet... it feels lonely. Aside from two people, maybe a few more, I'm not going to talk to these people again. During the days, there'd always be people that I knew and recognized, even said hi to occasionally. I'd like to think I was on good terms with everyone, because I didn't have any specific grip with any one person. And now that we've graduated, everyone is gone.
When I was up to receive my (fake) diploma, I only really heard a scattering of applause. I think it was just some people being polite, rather than actually clapping for me. By comparison, my two best friends got much more applause than me. I guess I really didn't make an impact on people. Or people didn't regard me high enough. Or something like that. Adding that to the previous problem, and it makes me feel even more lonely and isolated than before.
And it's funny, because my parents said when I was younger, I used to be the life of the group. I was always the one to start plans for group activities, I'd go up and talk to everyone, just one of the most charismatic little kids they had ever seen. Where the fuck did that go? Why the hell am I just an introvert now? Why can't I be one of the "popular" kids who got 15,000 pictures on the "Class of 2012" video that was shown at grad? How come I didn't get any extra awards for anything? How come my life has become the epitome of monotonous?
The only way I can get past this is to be more charismatic. But is that really me anymore? I think nowadays I'm more reluctant to plop myself down on the computer and talk with all of the friends I made over the Internet. But even that is just... I'm not sure if I feel really, really close to anyone. Like I've said before, I think it can translate from not having a sibling or anything. I've never been really close to my family at all, or anyone in fact. And I believe that because of that, I want someone, or even a few people that I can be really close to, because I never had anyone to. Now, a lot of people with siblings say that they're not really close to them at all. Even still, it seems like everyone around me has siblings. My two best friends, a whole bunch of my friends on the Internet... hell, even both my parents and grandparents has 2 or 3 siblings. It's just... I guess it would be nice to have someone similar enough to you (even in blood) that you could talk to. I have to "force" that on my friends because there's nobody else.
Because I don't want to "force" it on them, I don't talk about it. And then I get lonely. And it starts all over again.
There's times, just like right now, where I seriously don't give a crap about anyone or anything. But really, the truth is that I do care about everyone and everything. It's just I'm not sure how much they care about me anymore.
So, goodbye graduating class of 2012. It's been fun working with you. I guess I'm off to a fresh start.
...you know what, I think I'm just desperate to be in a relationship that I know I'll screw up eventually. God damn it.
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