i think its because at a deep level i always had too little confidence in myself to accept that what i was feeling was real. i know imposter syndrome isnt uncommon for trans people but i was just so used to making masks in order to feel like i was anyone but myself that i kind of started to rationalize that transness was one of those masks too. and i think in many ways it became one regardless. i was so desperate to feel adequate and memorable and intimidating that i exploited my main vector for exploring transfemininity just to give myself stronger credentials in tumblr performative outrage pissing contests and it poisoned it. it poisoned the whole thing. i spent so much time comparing myself to cis women and other trans women that i was driving myself crazy because i wasnt able to accept that i was still suppressing my actual self just as much. i cant feel affirmed in my gender when the person transitioning isn’t really me either. and for a time i thought the answer to that was to give up on her but thats not it. i didnt know who i was as any gender because i didnt want to come to terms with the fact that i didnt already know. that carefully constructing personas to control how other people viewed me was not the same thing as having an actual sense of self.
i could tell i had built a million layers of masks but i had no idea what even lied beneath them all and only very, very recently (like, within the past year or so) do i actually feel like ive lost enough use for those masks to start getting in touch with who i actually am. and right after that the specter of transitioning started popping up again. its always been there, little moments where i look at trans women and feel happy for them but just as much sad, this feeling of longing that says “i wish i could do that, but I can’t”. and even as ive been trying to be kinder to myself and less afraid of imperfection and vulnerability in general ive been for the most part ignoring those feelings, they sit with me but i always rationalize them as “well if you go out of your way to tell yourself something like that every time you see a trans woman you’re just tricking yourself into it” but does anyone even do things like that? why is it ive convinced myself so deeply that any feelings ive had must be an attempt to manipulate someone else, so much so that i start thinking they’re attempts to manipulate me? and once i start unpacking that then all the other little things start popping up. the realization that yes, always hating every part of my body while finding those same traits attractive in men is probably not unrelated to gender dysphoria. the fact that i basically never have interest in imagining myself as an actual participant in sexual fantasies is probably not unrelated to gender dysphoria. and so on and so forth. there’s too much to count right now and i don’t want to but its scary. its all very scary to come up at once and realize that something you thought wasn’t really that important one way or another because you got along “fine” presenting as your agab may in fact be the very thing keeping you from actually feeling like a living human until it gets addressed
gummygunk
prguitarman
annaxmalina
kaledo-art
stormborns
