Part 1 - Where I have been in a little while.
I’m 28. Turning the bend on 30.
I went on a family vacation in March. It was a baptism. I was essentially dreading the trip leading up to it. I just tend to cloak upcoming things that potentially cause me anxiety with shimmer of potential disappoint, so I don’t actually get disappointed. Sometimes it works. This time, for whatever reason, nothing really triggered my anxiety. If anything, it was an absolutely rejuvenating trip. I flew out on a Thursday and came back on a Wednesday, right to work. I felt quite proud of myself, because my anxiety is always sort of lurking in the back of my mind.
From March to mid-May, I felt content. The days drained down the sink and I was just coasting.
I have had bouts of limerence before. But it’s never been this... present.
I was tasked to work on a 2 week intensive project with people outside of my department. One of them was P. I had met P before in some reoccurring update meetings. Insert thought: It’s not that interesting, but I often think about the time before... before I knew him. How I never thought about him. How a radar for him in my mind didn’t exist. And now it does and I wonder when it will go away.
Anyway, I nominated P to be the lead. In our previous meetings, he had expressed interest in leading one of these projects. I guess, like most of the things in life that tend to rock me in some capacity, it was all of my own devising. I’m a bit of a mastermind.
The first day or two, I simply, hmm, he’s kind of tall. And has a good head of hair. But more importantly, he was smart. There was an air of domineerance to him. Maybe it is all imaginary, but it stuck with me. Maybe it’s how he gave security the hardest time as he was trying to get thru. Maybe it was his mannerisms. I honestly don’t know.
The first meeting was when it really started. We presented our project scope with the stakeholders. I was sort of guiding him and his co-lead, but I vividly remember one of the stakeholders questioning us on something. I started somewhat confidently responding to his question, and I looked at P, the lead, for some reassurance, and he just immediately looked down at his lap. I then further elaborated and answered the question, satisfying the stakeholder.
I was so stunned. I mean, OK OK, breaking eye contact can mean a million different things. Other men don’t often break eye contact with me, with maybe exception of another coworker... Maybe he was on drugs. Maybe he was tired. He was nervous.. this engineer who clearly knows a thing or two about a thing or two. Why the fuck would he be?
And then the thought popped into my head.. what if he finds me attractive?
I’m a short, skinny brunette with long hair and doe-eye brown eyes. I guess, of course he would be?
But more importantly, who cares if he finds me attractive? It’s such an un-interesting thought...
Anyway, I went home that day and started daydreaming about him. It was intense. I was at a game night and all I could think about was him, what if he was here, sitting next to me, instead of J.