“There’s a dead human in our house!”
“Oh, hey, how did you get here?”
“Me? Hey- I didn’t do this.”
“Explain what happened!”
“I’ve never seen him before in my life!”
“Why did you kill this person!”
“I do not kill people- that is, that is my least favorite thing to do.”
“Tell me exactly what you were doing before i got home.”
“So I was upstairs, I was, ah,uh sitting in my room, reading a book, and this guy walked in…”
“…So I went up to him, and I stabbed him thirty-seven ties in the chest!”
“Dude, that kills people!”
“Oh, wow, haha, I didn’t know that would kill him.”
“How could you not know that it would kill him?!”
“Yeah, I’m in the wrong here. I suck.”
“What happened to his hands…? Why are they missing?”
“I ah, kind of cooked them up… and ate them!”
“Look, I was hungry, and when you crave for something, well,”
“My stomach was making the rumblies…. that only ____ could satisfy.”
“What is wrong with you?”
“What on Earth was all that?!”
“I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.”
“You sunk an entire cruise ship!”
“Are you sure that was me? I think I would’ve remembered doing something like that.”
“I SAW you fire a harpoon into the captain’s face!”
“That sounds dangerous.”
“You were shoving children off the side of the ship!”
“That must have been horrifying to watch.”
“Then you started making out with the ice sculptures!”
“Thank God the children were not there to see it.”
“Why is the floor all red and sticky?”
“Would you believe it’s not blood on the floor? That it’s strawberry milkshake? Melted gumdrops? Some of God’s Tears?”
“Tell me the truth!”
“It was the lovely elderly couple from room 2B.”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”
“They were taking all the crescent rolls.”
“I will not apologize for art.”
“Where is everyone else?”
“Whoa, you won the prize! I didn’t even notice that!”
“Looking at the trajectory of the moon and sun, the rest of the people are probably at the bottom of the ocean. I put holes in the lifeboats.”
“Okay, okay, I have a problem, I have a seriously problem.”
“You are just terrible today.”
“Shh, do you hear that? It’s the sound of forgiveness.”
“That’s the sound of people drowning, you idiot.”
“Ah yes, the sound of forgiveness: screaming and then silence.”
