UPDATE: now includes au characters!

too many au characters maybe (go follow my main @salemruinseverything)

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

haley: sex is something that happens to other people. i am willingly uninvolved.

cassidee: sex isn't real. it's propaganda from the catholic church.

pete: the catholic church?

cassidee: it's like the birds.

haley: birds are also something that happens to other people.

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

vic: you've referenced like three different musicals i still haven't seen in this 20 second conversation.

johnnie: jennifer's body isn't a musical.

vic: jennifer's body isn't a musical?

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

rain: take estrogen. it's good for you :3

martin: sister i believe the problem we're having here is that i have too much estrogen

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

haley: do you and gabe use pet names for each other?

charlie: no. who do you think we are?

haley: just wondering. off topic, do you know what bees make?

charlie: honey?

[a brief silence]

lewis, completely empty handed: hey, i'm doing a crossword. charlie, do you know a five-letter word for "female dog"?

charlie: ...bitch? why is-

gabe, from the other room: YEAH, SHITHEAD?

haley:

haley: never lie to my fucking face again.

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

gabe: oh my god, i'm a whore for myspace pop.

helena: you say you're a whore for everything!

gabe: oh yeah? like what

helena: myspace pop, dan and phil, star wars, juice monsters, edibles, vanilla coolattas, john green books, john green, showbiz pizza, gen 1 monster high....

gabe:

gabe: we need to hang out less

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

marceline: there r real teens out there who think discovering nirvana is a special achievement 

will: isnt that kinda the whole point of buddhism

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

phoenix: the issue being.

phoenix: i do not feel like an ada lovelace.

phoenix: i feel like a charles babbage.

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

dallon: Hello, I'm Dallon. I work at a shop now. Here to help

dallon: Look, they gave me a badge with my name on it in case I forget it

dallon: Very helpful, as that does happen

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

cain: hey op what the fuck does this mean

the things that lie beyond: decay exists as an extant form of life

cain: that's a terrifying answer, have a nice day

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

claudia: we're having sex and you pull out at the end to discover your cock is entirely gone, dissolved (ive digested it like a pitcher plant). bye!

claudia: You'd unfollow me for my pitcher plant pussy post? After the beautiful night we shared???

gabe: WASNT A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. PESIS IS GONE.

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

awsten: the opposite of mwah is hawm. fucking bite you.

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

penny: i want a baby evelyn: oh my god evelyn: steal one

helena: i want a baby sam: i'm gay helena: you weren't gay last night

grace: i want a baby brendon: good for tax returns

martin: no martin: do not text me i want a baby jamie: I WASNT GOING TO martin: SURE YOU WERENT jamie: I WASNT

joan: i want a baby pansy: give me a week pansy: what color

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

evelyn: either that's some spicy incense, or i just lit a sparkler.

rain: same difference.

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

jamie: martin, i’m so happy, i could kiss you!

martin, panicking: haha! neat!

martin, two hours later: i can't believe i said neat, evelyn. neat. nobody says neat anymore! it's not neat to say neat! you would never say neat!

evelyn: don’t beat yourself up, martin! not everyone can be as suave as me.

martin: didn’t you say "crikey" the first time penny kissed you?

evelyn, staring blankly into the distance:

evelyn: i did say crikey.

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

jamie: i'm never gonna forget it it was the most embarrassing moment of my life

evelyn: wait, what happened?

rain: he was all sick and congested and shit and he was drinking monster energy but he coughed up some mucus and-

jamie: it was a white monster and it was like VISCOUS and-

rain: and the kid next to him said "damn girl did you just fucking spawn cum"

jamie: DID I SPAWN CUM

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

rain: break out the l word.

jamie: lesbian??

rain: the other l word.

jamie: lesbians????

[terribleocincorrectquotes]

martin: jamie, you work with the greek pantheon, yes?

jamie: occasionally

martin: who do i need to pray to to get me out of gym class